If a soldier pulls back, what is the best strategy to support him from afar?

July 9, 2016

Met this American guy online. Seriously the smartest, most insightful, empathetic, generous and chivalrous guy I've ever met.

In a matter of 10 days, talking non-stop on the phone for hours, we figured that this is it - neither of us has never met someone they've been so compatible with ever before.

__

We met in my town and had a seriously mind-blowing weekend with lots of deep conversations, amazing sex (which left him continuously uttering "Oh god. Oh my god, European girls really ARE better" haha) nice dinners, cozy walks around the historical parts of town, kissing, holding hands acting like newlyweds and then he uttered while kissing me "Oh god. I love you."

Yes, of course it's too early and everything kinda skyrocketed but it just feels right.

__

Now, what confuses me is, that he has completely pulled away after the WE. The 50+ messages a day turned to 1 short one in barely two days. But the same day he returned he told me that he wants me near him and just lay around and make that emptiness inside go away. Next day another message around evening "I miss you." but barely responds when I message back.

He may have depression & I think he might have other internal issues due to his abusive birth mom (who still tries to manipulate him through his aunt)

& bad childhood (different foster families etc) but still managed to become a commissioned officer in the US military. His past and achievements show contradictory patterns because he seems confident and insecure at the same time, sometimes.

He told me that the work week after our WE was completely demotivating regarding his dreams & aspirations in the military.

How can I show support without making him pull away even more? I feel like if I leave him alone, he'll forget about me. About us.

Sent him a long message on FB making a list of all his amazing qualities and what makes him the man he's today but asked him not to respond and just take it as positive vibes to counter his demons (insecurities). I really really believe in his potential & his dream to go Special Forces and hope to be a source of encouragement throughout this journey.

Anyway, his answer was "Hey, I just read your message on FB. I won't respond as you asked but I want to say, I love you and thank you"

I didn't answer since it's obvious that I care about him, too and want to give him space to take care of his business but now there's this radio silence since 3 days and even though I'd say I am fairly secure and busy myself, the absence of his calls and texts are noticeable sometimes and those few seconds DO sting.

I would appreciate some male insight as to the way he might be feeling right now and how to proceed to not end up forgotten.

July 9, 2016

Ah, to be young again.... welcome to LS

Others will be along with a more concise analysis but here's my 02 as the cynical old guy but one who's known males for a lifetime.

Guys who disappear after sex and are not ill or deceased were there for the sex. They liked the sex box where and when it happened. If they were married, well, they had a wife and family to go back to.

Military people, especially young ones, can be prone to wanderlust. That applies to single ones, attached ones and, yup, married ones.

People who want to be someone else can create that, in depth.

I'll conclude with a line that Ronald Reagan, our commander in chief for most of the 80's, popularized:

"Trust, but verify"

I'd write this off as a good time, one of many in life, and enjoy the rest to come. If the guy is all that and a bag of chips, it'll become clear over time.

July 9, 2016

Welcome OP,

Is this guy still in your town? Is he stationed there? I'm not sure from your post.

People tend to join the armed forces for different reasons. Quite a few of them come from dysfunctional families and troubled backgrounds. They are also tend to be very good at compartmentalising - or at least trying to - because they know they will be stationed in different parts of the world, meaning it's impossible for them to form long term relationships until they leave the forces.

There is also the concept of their having a restricted life. Not as much as civilians sometimes think but certainly fewer options in terms of location, absences, being able to actually leave the job, etc. This often results in a certain resistance to being tied down even further in their private life and get serious with a girl.

I'd say if you are looking for a serious, stable, long term relationship, don't pick a military guy OP.

Good luck.

July 9, 2016

Ah, to be young again.... welcome to LS

Others will be along with a more concise analysis but here's my 02 as the cynical old guy but one who's known males for a lifetime.

Guys who disappear after sex and are not ill or deceased were there for the sex. They liked the sex box where and when it happened. If they were married, well, they had a wife and family to go back to.

Military people, especially young ones, can be prone to wanderlust. That applies to single ones, attached ones and, yup, married ones.

People who want to be someone else can create that, in depth.

I'll conclude with a line that Ronald Reagan, our commander in chief for most of the 80's, popularized:

"Trust, but verify"

I'd write this off as a good time, one of many in life, and enjoy the rest to come. If the guy is all that and a bag of chips, it'll become clear over time.

As a woman who spent 15 years living on military bases surrounded by young army men I can confirm Carhill is spot on.

He enjoyed the chase, the sex, now he's working on his next conquest.

July 10, 2016

Met this American guy online. Seriously the smartest, most insightful, empathetic, generous and chivalrous guy I've ever met.

In a matter of 10 days, talking non-stop on the phone for hours, we figured that this is it - neither of us has never met someone they've been so compatible with ever before.

Agree with Carhill.

This above was your red flag, way too much too soon, overwhelm you, love bomb you, then pump and dump. Next time be more wary of this kind of "instant compatibility" and non stop communication (assuming you want more than a ONS)

July 10, 2016

he returned he told me that he wants me near him and just lay around and make that emptiness inside go away.

Not focusing on anything else but this. I think this is a huge thing no one's touched on.

He's in the military currently. He openly admitted he has an "emptiness" inside of him. Did he say what that is from?

He could be dealing with PTSD. This is a very common reaction with PTSD. They go periods of time completely shut down and icing out those who love them. Could be days, weeks, months. You need to leave them alone and not bombard them with texts, calls, emails.

This is why marriage and relationships to those in the military is very hard, especially when they go through trauma. They wind up bringing that stuff home with them. You'll find this exact thing on many PTSD sites, from spouses, girlfriends, friends, etc. They just get iced out. Poof. Gone.

The sufferer retreats and there is nothing you can do to bring them back out.

This is all speculation though. You've only known him a month.

July 10, 2016

The military isn't very good at teaching soldiers how to deal with emotions on any scale, let alone trauma. It takes an exceptionally mentally strong person not to turn out to be for the worse because of it.

July 10, 2016

You want someone special in your life....find someone who doesn't need to be rescued or fixed. Unless you have years of experience in dealing with such matters....don't go there.

July 10, 2016

Not focusing on anything else but this. I think this is a huge thing no one's touched on.

He's in the military currently. He openly admitted he has an "emptiness" inside of him. Did he say what that is from?

He could be dealing with PTSD. This is a very common reaction with PTSD. They go periods of time completely shut down and icing out those who love them. Could be days, weeks, months. You need to leave them alone and not bombard them with texts, calls, emails.

Nah, it's just a line he is feeding her.

Men affected by their mission don't talk about it especially not to girls they've know for a short time.

Something else is that he is an officer, not a soldier. He's a pen pusher and gives order. He is nowhere near the front line.

July 10, 2016

I'm skeptical about his past affecting your whirlwind romance.... I'm going to guess that he has decided this (and you) aren't what he wants. Ten days of closeness, and sex, is not the same thing as two people in love. He could be pulling back, realizing he allowed the relationship to become more intimate than he was ready for in such a short period of time. That's happened to me in the past, and I pulled away too because I really didn't know this person enough to be making any type of commitment to.

I remember dating this one girl once, and after a few dates we slept together and I noticed she was looking at me differently afterward. It was a look I think showed she was bonding with me. I wanted to feel the same but I didn't, and had to end things with her fast, just because I felt it wasn't fair to either of us to continue. She deserved someone into her, and I knew I wasn't. Could be the same with your young Lieutenant - or maybe it could be as others have mentioned, you were a conquest.

July 10, 2016

Nah, it's just a line he is feeding her.

Men affected by their mission don't talk about it especially not to girls they've know for a short time.

Something else is that he is an officer, not a soldier. He's a pen pusher and gives order. He is nowhere near the front line.

That depends on whether he is staff or combat, not whether he is an officer or enlisted.

July 11, 2016

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to comment.

I know my words will be coming from a place of hope and am probably naive at this point, too, but I think that some of the judgement about him is way too harsh, especially considering that people judge him by a version that forms in their heads with the very little info gathered from my initial post.

I had some time to reflect and my common sense tells me that it's normal for men to pull away after intimacy.

He has told me so much about his past and I could feel that it was genuine vulnerability he was comfortable enough sharing with me and it didn't surprise me because almost anyone I ever take the time to talk to ends up telling me more (especially intimate) details than they used to telling many others (or so they claim). Maybe opening up that much in very little time scared him, too, as soon as he was home and had the space to recollect his thoughts.

Additional info about him to paint a clearer picture: He romanticizes the notion of being a warrior. A very traditional and masculine guy in that sense. During our correspondences, everything he does, the fire in his eyes, the determination in his movements and touches, everything about him screams 'warrior' and 'leader' even though he's very young. He is serious and respectful and the way everyone seems to think about him on here (just based on the early intimacy and the sudden radio silence), makes me sad because it just doesn't fit my observations of him (and I am very very observant).

And then, sometimes, when he talks, little bits of insecurities arise from deep down. I can see the battle of his former, insecure, emotionally as well as physically abused and neglected self (thanks to his mother) with a self he created and actually is dying to become. During our weekend together, he wanted me to watch "Good Will Hunting" with him (his absolute favorite movie). At some point he mumbled under his breath that I remind him of Skylar (Will's love interest) and at the end of the movie he told me he has always felt like he could identify with Will Hunting.

However, he is very driven, very smart and has so much love to give. Please refrain from judging him (or us) so harshly and cynically because reading that seriously broke my heart (in a figurative sense of course).

Plus, he DOES have a lot of things going on at the same time these days. He just moved to my country 3 weeks ago (lives 2h away from my town), just moved into his own apartment which is still pretty much empty (and he mentioned that he bought a new TV few days ago just to drown out the silence and not feel empty anymore), he is still waiting to be assigned to a platoon and apparently got some info on his dream to go Special Forces that demotivated him and that's a VERY big deal for him so all that adds up to quite some stressing factors and like I said, after reflecting on everything, I can see how he withdraws because honestly, isn't that what every man does when they have too much on their plate?

So, I think I am doing the right (and healthy) thing by giving him space and just doing my own thing until he feels comfortable enough to reach out again.

However, I am eternally grateful for all the varying insight and interesting commentary, it's nice to know the community is strong and active enough to make a confused soul feel heard. Thanks a lot, guys. I feel very serene at the moment.

July 11, 2016

OP, all you can do is see if his actions line up with his words.

Don't overthink it right now, as you don't really know him very well at this point. He might indeed have demons that will make a relationship very difficult. Or, he just might not be very interested anymore.

If you haven't heard from him within a few days, you'll have your answer.

July 11, 2016

Trust, but verify is people questioning how much of a soldier this man is. Is he really in the military, etc.

You say he's very young and he's spent time in the foster care system.

To be an officer in the U.S. Military, you MUST have a college degree. This is not something that is ever waived. There are many colleges that have a ROTC program where college students are cadets and their college is paid for or partially paid for by the government. Then, they must serve a set number of years in the military. I don't remember if it is four, six or eight years. It may depend on the job they choose in the military.

Now, this man should be at least 22 years old. Depending on how long he's been on active duty, he should be at least 24 years old if he is saying that he's an officer and already done a combat tour.

There is the chance he took college classes in high school and graduated at 17. There's a chance he made it through college in 3 years and then joined the military as an officer. Best guess he had 5-12 months of training and then was sent to a combat zone. He could be 21, but that is really, REALLY pushing it. I hate to say this, but if someone is a foster child and they have that kind of grit, determination and brains the military is NOT going to be their first choice for a job.

There's a difference between officers and enlisted. Officers make more money and have a lot more responsibility. If he is an officer, even if he is an O-1 (the lowest rank) his apartment shouldn't be empty and he shouldn't be without a car for long if he doesn't have one. He might be waiting for his household goods to be sent from the U.S.

I'm leaning toward the belief that he is enlisted and has been feeding you some stories.

July 11, 2016

He added me on Facebook and yes, I do see all of his pictures during his college graduation (went to military academy), then his commission as an officer and all his friends and family (especially his father he's feeling very close to) are tagged and merrily communicate with him publicly (only visible for friends though).

He let me look into his old journals because I got curious when he packed his rucksack and they were filled with entries when he was in the field.

He has been very very transparent and honest about anything I asked him about and all of that could be later confirmed on his Facebook.

I might be hopeful but not completely gullible. I do not understand where all the cynicism and mistrust people seem to display here comes from.

Every comment here so far seemed so negative and anti that I appreciate in some way (because a diverse POV is always interesting and enlightening) but I can't stop wondering if the majority of time, people are just projecting their negative experiences onto this situation and just can't see anything positive because not everything is black and white.

I'm thankful for everyone's opinion (and again, thanks for taking the time out of your days to try help me out here) but dishonesty never seemed to be an issue even if we don't know each other long enough.

July 11, 2016

I'm speaking as a former soldier. Fakers are upsetting to me and I wanted to make sure you had your eyes wide open.

Did he go to West Point? I'm not sure if other military schools in the U.S. give commissions or not.

July 11, 2016

He added me on Facebook and yes, I do see all of his pictures during his college graduation (went to military academy), then his commission as an officer and all his friends and family (especially his father he's feeling very close to) are tagged and merrily communicate with him publicly (only visible for friends though).

He let me look into his old journals because I got curious when he packed his rucksack and they were filled with entries when he was in the field.

He has been very very transparent and honest about anything I asked him about and all of that could be later confirmed on his Facebook.

I might be hopeful but not completely gullible. I do not understand where all the cynicism and mistrust people seem to display here comes from.

Every comment here so far seemed so negative and anti that I appreciate in some way (because a diverse POV is always interesting and enlightening) but I can't stop wondering if the majority of time, people are just projecting their negative experiences onto this situation and just can't see anything positive because not everything is black and white.

I'm thankful for everyone's opinion (and again, thanks for taking the time out of your days to try help me out here) but dishonesty never seemed to be an issue even if we don't know each other long enough.

OP, I have never been in your situation as I have never met a man online. I am not minimizing the experience of online dating, mind you. I just haven't personally used it before.

So, I cannot project my experience onto yours because I simply haven't had one to project.

Just be careful that you don't get too attached too quickly, I think is what most folks here are trying to communicate to you. Even if he has been 100% honest about himself, it's still never wise to get hooked too early. Let him show you who he is in terms of being a candidate for a relationship. That is why I would recommend you let him come to you now.

Sometimes people are good, honest people - but still struggle with relationships and attachment. And that's something we usually don't see right away, as it tends to unfold over some time. That may or may not be the case here. If he continues to blow hot and cold, it is a warning sign. You would then need to evaluate if you want to be with someone who engages in a push-pull cycle.

July 11, 2016

He added me on Facebook and yes, I do see all of his pictures during his college graduation (went to military academy), then his commission as an officer

Would you know the difference between a man graduating as an officer and an enlisted man graduating training?

July 11, 2016

I really appreciate that, I really do.

It's just a tad upsetting to see how negative everyone seems to be and even believe he was feeding me lies, while in my head, he's the person he is: Kind, generous, exceptionally smart. He is an officer, his FB and all his comrades (also officers from what I can tell) do confirm that on every picture he's tagged in and every military related me meme humorously shared on his wall - but that is not the issue here at all and has nothing to do with my concerns.

I feel like just because his withdrawal confuses me, everyone assumes the absolute worst (about us and him as a person in general).

To sum up:

He is honest, no lies (that I'm aware of, except maybe for the little white ones regarding not being hungry etc pp), he has a lot on his plate and after a weekend full of emotional striptease and delays at work that frustrate him (you probably know how things work in the military, I am an outsider), I am not surprised anymore that communicating with me fails to be a top priority for him - not at the moment. I am not very different, reflecting made me realize that I do the same when I am very very stressed.

July 11, 2016

Would you know the difference between a man graduating as an officer and an enlisted man graduating training?

After checking his FC, I can.

All these comments saying congrats on your commission or the huge banner by his father that says "Welcome home *****"

But again, it's not about his profession here, I feel like everyone on here looks for flaws where there's none. While I am looking for a strategy to support him without suffocating him, everyone here tries to downplay his achievements or his credibility overall.

Please think about the course this is taking.

Edited July 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 11, 2016

Thank you, ExpatInItaly, I appreciate the concerns and see where the majority of the concern is coming from.

Like I said, I am feeling very serene and kinda got used to the radio silence. If he wants to reach out again after leaving his man cave, I'll be open for it but if not, that's fine by me, too.

What just irks me is the negativity. I don't understand why it bothers me so much when anybody says anything negatively about him (without even knowing him). But that's probably my own fault for not being able to provide good enough information.

Again, thank you

July 11, 2016

We can only go with what you tell us. There are a lot of fakes out there and sadly, there are a lot of players in the military.

You like him, you're fond of him. You're probably enamored of him. As Internet strangers we are not.

July 11, 2016

Plus I've had the opportunity to observe him, communicate with him, learn more about him unlike everyone else here - there's that. It's not all due to affections, I just thought it didn't sit well to see people focusing on something entirely off-topic (in this case his credibility/career) and judge him harshly based on my poorly written post (I get that it's my fault)

July 11, 2016

One point I didn't see covered in the posts: how long have you known him? I mean, when did you first start communicating?

As I understand it, you've only met in person one time. Is that correct?

July 11, 2016

Plus I've had the opportunity to observe him, communicate with him, learn more about him unlike everyone else here - there's that. It's not all due to affections, I just thought it didn't sit well to see people focusing on something entirely off-topic (in this case his credibility/career) and judge him harshly based on my poorly written post (I get that it's my fault)

Lady, You chitchatted for 10 days and spent ONE weekend together and you think he's the most honest and amazing man in the world. You need to come back from lala-land.

We are negative because some of us have experience with military, some of us have experience, some of us have seen this over and over and over again.

We are telling you something is off.

You can ignore us and put your pink glasses and update us in 1 month. Not even 1 month, give us an update in 2 weeks.

I am standing by.

Lets see.

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If a soldier pulls back, what is the best strategy to support him from afar?

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