LifeGoesOn777 Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Thank you for stopping by to read my message here. First, sorry for my English, which is not my native language, so I might make some mistakes here or there. I have been reading what people are writing here for a while, and I finally made my mind to write mine today. My real first love was in my early 20's with a guy from another country. We had been together over 2years, but he broke up with me suddenly. I didn't see it was coming to be honest, but I understand he had to do that, and ironically I think it was the right choice for him and maybe for myself too. I was simply a jerk at that time, so I probably pushed him so hard to the point he didn't want to be with me anymore. Everything was my fault. I think I didn't care much about his feelings, but just pushed my way anytime. We were always apart from each other geographically, but he visited me as much as he could. He called/texted me as much as he could. I didn't see anyone behind this breakup, and I still think he just left me because he simply didn't want to be with me anymore. I just took him for granted. I just wished I could realize how bad/mean/selfish I was at that time, then I might not have to lose him. Sounds so stupid, but it happened about 10years ago. He started dating someone right after he broke up with me, and they became a couple 2 months after the breakup. I was devastated. I was still talking to him then (my fault! I didn't even know "NC" rule then). But again, I deserved all of these hard times considering my behaviors when I was with him. I didn't even question whether I was wrong when I was with him. I visited his family with him, and that was the last time I saw him. I had to move to somewhere else for a few months for study. We were talking about living near each other, but he changed his mind while I was studying. I agreed with that, because I wanted him to do that what he wanted, and I wanted to do what I wanted, but I wasn't thinking of breaking up. I might have said something like I wanted to break up when I was mad (my fault), but I just didn't know what losing him means at that time. It's too late now though. I couldn't find a purpose in my life for a while, but here I am. I am alive and have a job to feed myself. I just couldn't find a love after that. I feel much better now, and I don't cry anymore. The breakup changed my life. I always didn't have a confidence in myself, but it got worse even after that. I simply have no confidence in anything. It actually affects my love life. I simply haven't find any love after that. For the past 10 years, I had some guys who wanted to be in a relationship with me. I got to close with a few of them, but I ended up refusing going any further. I know how bad it sounds, but I think I am comparing them with him. Even though he left me. I can't forgive myself not to realize how important and special he was to me. I think after all I deserve to be alone. I didn't deserve such a wonderful guy in my life. I was just too lucky, it was like something happens once in a lifetime. However, I want to be happy too. I still want to find a love in my life. I want to be married and have some kids. I know what I did, which I regret more than anything in my life. I don't want to use anyone to be happy (or forget him completely), but I want to be happy with THE new person. I have blamed myself for a long time, so I hope to hear something positive for me to move on completely. Sorry for being selfish here again! Thank you for taking the time to read this long one! I really appreciate it.
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 10 years is a long time. It is already so far in the past that you have no point pondering over. I don't know if during that time you had connection and break NC all the time, watched some pictures or went on dates again with this guy but it's not worth it anymore. Too much time has passed already you are living in the past and a memory of a person that does not exist anymore. He is entirely different human being right now as you are. He moved on you moved on why are you still thinking about it. Forget the memory and start living with us in the present... You must be afraid of starting a new relationship when other guys were close to you. Allow your heart to accept them not just push them away immediately. Also stop saying you don't deserve this, you don't deserve that, or how you deserve the bad stuff happening in your life. This is ultimately bad thinking all around and messes you up for good. Remember that the life is how you make it to be. If you constantly think you should feel bad, want to feel bad, and want to experience bad things all around then that's what you'll get. Instead get out more and enjoy what life is offering you. Don't close yourself to emotion and new person interactions. Start listening to what other people has to tell you, listen to their stories, be a part of something good in your life and stop clinging to the emotional baggage you had 10 years ago... it's in the past. Its over! Accept it and continue with a wide smile, sun shining on your face and good mood because that's how you will attract positive things in your life that guess what - you will enjoy and want in the end! 1
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