Sexless relationship

[senna14]

Hello,

I am new to this site and I am in desperate need of some advice.

 

I am from the UK. I moved to France 7 1/2 years ago after meeting a 'wonderful' man. We fell in love very quickly and within three months of meeting I had quit my job, family and friends in the UK and moved to France to be with him.

 

The first couple of months were great until I had been in France for two weeks! He had previously explained how bad his break up was with his ex was and that he hated her and had zero contact (She lied about having cancer, then got married behind his back! Shocking I know). Whist he was at work his MSN was open on his computer and I seen a contact of his with the name of his ex! Without even thinking I clicked onto their message history.

 

There were pages of messages between them both, even up to the week or so before I moved to France! They even spoke about his 'new girlfriend' which was me. There were many times he had sent her an invitation to use webcam. He said he wanted to see her baby bump. Who does that? She got married behind his back then was pregnant with her new husbands baby! I would imagine that would be the last thing he wanted to see! At the end of their messages they would end it with 'Love you darling'! The room started spinning and I couldn't believe what I was reading!

 

All that went through my mind was how hurt I was and how stupid I would look going back home to the UK now after gushing about this 'perfect man'! When confronted, he said it was nothing and he was just keeping the peace with her and the 'love you's' were just being friendly! I knew this wasn't the case but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because maybe he regretted it now I had arrived in France and maybe it was me he loved after all.

 

He whisked me off the Paris on a 5 star break and proposed. I fell pregnant that weekend. Everything was good, he was affectionate and loving and we were happy, until I seen his ex's name on the search engine of our computer. I was 9 months pregnant and I freaked out. I went into labor with our son that evening. The birth was traumatic. I had no family or friends to support me and I was still fully aware of how stupid I had been to stay with my fiance after this second blow. At a time I should have felt completely supported I felt so vulnerable! He said he searched for her out of curiosity, and nothing more. I ended up getting very ill with postnatal depression.

 

After our son was born that was the last time I remember my fiance asking me when we could have sex again (It takes time to heal after having a baby and all that). That was 6.5 years ago. Since then things have gone from bad to worse! He stopped being affectionate to me, didn't want to have sex with me, he was sometimes violent in arguments, he completely stonewalled me! I tried to leave many times but I was scared of starting afresh on my own with a baby to care for and I hoped that things would improve.

 

I got better from the PND. Started my own business which ended up being the making of me but things remained the same between me and my partner. He ended up buying a house which he demolished and is currently rebuilding a 'better' one in it's place We are living in a static caravan in his back garden. He refused to put my name on the mortgage because he said I had threatened to leave so many times and he didn't want to risk having to pay me money from the sale of the house if I left.

 

I have tried EVERYTHING to make things better, being patient, changing myself, therapy (which he refuses) but to no avail. He said he doesn't like my charachter and that's why he doesn't want to be intimate with me and that he feels blocked towards me. He only see's the bad in me. He says I'm a really good woman and he loves me but he hates traits of my personality! He never tells me he loves me, I have to ask him if he does. My friends in th UK have asked if he is cheating but I really don't know. I have never found any evidence to suggest this.

 

I asked some questions about his past, which I later discovered that he had lied to me about some of the things he had done before he met me. Because of this, I started to not trust him. I recently had a burn out because I have been working so hard to provide for my family. I have nothing to show for it. He has his house, a brand new car, his family and friends and a good job. He never supports me. When I cry, he just sits there. He doesn't make eye contact when I speak to him, keeps his head turned away from me. I have decided to leave him!

 

My self esteem is on the floor, I feel unattractive and worthless. I have to move back to the UK with nothing. He will tell me this weekend weather he will try for full custody of our 6 year old son. I feel so lost and broken. I have started to suffer with anxiety. I have spent the last 6 1/2 years in a bubble of confusion and rejection. I'm 31 years old but I feel 80! If he loves me then why is he like this with me? He says he feels trapped. I have asked weather he stays with me for the sake of our son and he denies this.

 

He also denies ever cheating on me. I feel paranoid now. He doesn't open up to me but he said recently that he feels trapped. It was his idea to move over an hour away from his home town where his friends live. He acts jealous when other men look at me, but if he's that bothered then why is he the way that he is? I'm sorry for the long post but I really need some fresh perspectives on this stagnant situation. What do you think when you read this?

 

Am I crazy for staying this long? I feel so hopeless and a shell of the person that I used to be. Is there life after separation? Am I making the right decision to leave him?

Kind regards, Clair x

Edited July 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Traceycprc]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to say when my partner (now ex) stopped having sex with me, giving me excuses, I then found out it was because he was sleeping with someone else, who he is now in a relationship with. At the time he claimed they were just friends! I will also add, he never told me he loved me anymore and the affection went to zero! You need to try and put yourself first, it's never easy walking away but you have to think what is best for you in the long run.

[bummer]

1. He acts jealous when other men look at me, but if he's that bothered then why is he the way that he is?

2. What do you think when you read this?

3. Am I crazy for staying this long?

4. Is there life after separation?

5. Am I making the right decision to leave him?

Kind regards, Clair x

 

1. Manipulative technique. He's insecure about you and many things. Maybe he knows he's not worthy. Maybe he knows you have the right to leave and should but he's scared you will. He's a child.

2. He stole your heart and innocence to get back at his ex. You and your child are the victim of a childish rebound.

3. Honestly yes. That and rushing into it.

4. Of course. A beautiful wonderful fulfilling life free of guilt and anxiety and full of sex and reciprocated love. This life starts the minute you leave.

5. Waited 7.5 years to ask strangers if its right to leave? Where are your friends and family? Surely someone saw this coming? Yeah, you're making the best decision for your self and likely your child. No one wants to grow up in a caravan in their backyard. Your now ex (I'm going to call him your ex) stunted his development over his ex at the expense of your freedom and happiness. Don't let him rob your child also. Gtfo.

 

Oh if you're married, look into a solicitor and ways of confirming if he's been cheating so he cant have custody. Prove he is the ball-less dickbag he is and take your son with you.

Edited July 9, 2016 by bummer

[ExpatInItaly]

You ask why he treats you this way if he loves you. The answer is that he doesn't love you, and hasn't for a long time. He loves the power he has over you, but he doesn't love you.

 

You need to get away from immediately, particularly if there is violence in the home. if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. Your son deserve a stable and loving environment, which you won't get with your boyfriend.

 

And I'm sorry to say, but he very likely is cheating. Most men won't go 6.5 years with no sex at all. He's not doing it with you, so my money is on the fact that he is doing it with other women. (If I understand the timeline correctly)

 

I would consult an attorney regarding child custody. Ideally, your son will be with you and away from a man living in a freakin' caravan in a yard. But you need to make sure you go about separating in a such a way that courts will look as favorably as possible on you. Find out if there are ramifications for taking a minor child out of the country without the express consent of his father. I understand you are all EU citizens, but before you actually leave France I would make sure you aren't going to be inadvertently creating any legal issues by taking your son to the UK. Make sure your bases are covered, so to speak.

 

In the meantime, is there anyone you can stay with temporarily in France, to get out of the toxic environment at home?

[elaine567]

What you have chronicled here is abuse.

YOU need to get you and your child away from this man.

He is making you crazy.

Get yourself home asap.

[senna14]

Thank you so much for your responses. I feel like an idiot I ignored my inner voice which told me that he wouldn't change and to get out. He hasn't been physically violent for a few years and never in front of our son and when he was is was more a grabbing and pushing type of aggresssion. I asked him why did he want a child with me if he didn't want to spend his life with me and he said that when he met me he did want to make it work with me but things have changed. He said he loves me but can't deal with me. I'm not that bad lol! I get pissed off from time to time like most people. Nothing that deservess me being treated this way. The funny thing is, he says I'm free to do what I want, he doesn't come across as controlling or power hungry at all and said if I want to leave then I can. I've said to him so many times, if you don't love me then tell me and we can end it, but he never does?! I stayed with him thinking he loved me, why else would he stay? We're not married. If he's cheating then being here is a disadvantage to me because I don't know anyone who would come and tell me. When I have explained all this to my friends and family they say I deserve better and said he must be cheating. He doesn't go out very often so I wonder if he has time to cheat? It's illegal for me to leave France with our son without his permission, its classed as child abduction.

[elaine567]

The trouble with controlling abusive men is that some will often do so much "groundwork" at the beginning, that they do not then need to be aggressive or violent, or appear "controlling" later on, as they have you exactly where they want you. THEY are in control.

They set the "rules" early doors, so you know not to step out of line.

You are like a trained animal. Once trained, the trainer doesn't need to keep hitting the animal with the whip - just the sound of it, the threat of it or the sound of his voice or his body language and it knows exactly what it has to do.

 

He "broke" you, with violence, stonewalling and lack of attention, so you now dance to his tune and you accept just about anything from him.

[senna14]

I am not scared of him at all. He knows that. I can stand up for myself to him. I would say that because he's proven to me before, that he's not afraid to throw his weight around and if he wanted to he would grab me or shove me in an argument. It's difficult to explain. He has no say over what I think or do at all. That's why I find it hard to understand weather this is about control, he has said many a times if I want to leave then just leave. This whole situation is weird! I've never seen anything like it. He has ground me down though. I'm trying to understand that if he doesn't love me then why stay with me for so long? Would you say that he absolutely does not love me? Thank you.

[bummer]

...That's why I find it hard to understand weather this is about control, he has said many a times if I want to leave then just leave. This whole situation is weird! I've never seen anything like it. He has ground me down though. I'm trying to understand that if he doesn't love me then why stay with me for so long? Would you say that he absolutely does not love me? Thank you.

 

This is about control. He tells you to leave to test you. You haven't left, so he knows he's still in control.

 

He stays out of comfort, consistency, and for your son. Who knows, you have to ask him honestly in a few years.

 

It doesn't matter if he SAYS he loves you. His ACTIONS of avoiding you and not BEING loving means he doesn't really love you.

[Mr_Fox]

Hi Senna - I wish I could PM you because I also live in France and can fully understand how isolated you feel here. It can be a very lonely place!

 

He has got you away from your UK support network and then treats you so badly. He is trying to force you out without actually saying it himself so he can then blame you.

 

He has cut you off physically, ignores you and will not even make eye contact.

 

To be honest, I think you need to get away from him ASAP but do understand you have a child together. So it is not so straightforward.

 

There is a group called SOS Helpline for English Expats in France and they may be able to help you...

SOS Help: English Language Confidential Listening Line in France

 

I live in NW France myself and if I can be of any assistance to you just ask.

[asphyxis]

I stopped having sex with pne of my ex's because I assumed he was having an affair with me. For me, it was a tool to disengage from the relationship. He took notice after a while, and my instincts were right. He's getting it from somewhere else.