luuucca Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Hello everybody...i need your advice...i met one guy maybe 4 months ago, we live in different countries and he is devorced..from that day when we met he was chatting with me like every day, later i visited him, met his kids...spent nice time and etc..But like i see he tries to avoid all realationship with women...it means no love..But he still writting to me by mssng...And the problem is that i know that can't be just friends with him...Now we will meet in the same party next month..don't know how to act with him...maybe i need just to stop answering??i am first time in this forum..
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Welcome to the forum! Glad you started a new thread with that post but you might want to delete the same post you made in that other thread. First off this guy sounds a bit depressed and paranoid of bad relationships. He may need time, he may have emotional baggage with him and don't want to engage in something new to transfer it to the other person. Writing to you could mean he wants to keep you on a leash as you are showing him affection or indeed he is interested in you but afraid to make a move given his past. When you meet with him don't engage a topic of where your relationship is going. Let the conversation flow, talk about different things, eventually it may lead to that point but don't over-dramatize it. Just try to understand him and if it really bugs you then make sure that you show him you are a person he can feel at ease talking to and open himself to his fears. Don't extend it though.. if he is not willing to jump into a new relationship you still need to progress with your life right?
Author luuucca Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) I got very upset when he wrote to me about that meeting next month...(i will go with my friend). He said "no love for him" but he hope that we all will have nice dinner...It was the last drop and understood that nothing will work, but why then he was chatting with me all months...? Why he invited to come to visit his city and even joined kids...i invited him to come to my city too...and he said that for now just saving money and no trips more etc...but if he will chat with me in the same way i don't know if i can because i like him not just liked friend...i am very angry on myself now...had ilusion..sorry for my posts before i need to learn how to use everything here...(he is devorced 3 years) Edited July 9, 2016 by luuucca
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) Listen the man is obviously suffering from his past but likes you. He may either be unsure if he wants to be with you or just enjoys your company as a friend and nothing more. He may also wish that you show to him that you are loyal and won't go away - you know.. like a test. So you need to clear this out with him. If by actions he doesn't understand try explaining to him how you feel. Edited July 9, 2016 by Heart..PLS STAHP
Author luuucca Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 So you think i need to write back till next meeting? Maybe i am not patient..but guess now i became more cold too...like step back...he devorced because his wife cheated...so it seems he will be alone for long time....
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 So you think i need to write back till next meeting? Maybe i am not patient..but guess now i became more cold too...like step back...he devorced because his wife cheated...so it seems he will be alone for long time.... It doesn't matter what you do if he doesn't want it. I would say that since a party is coming and you will inevitably meet don't contact him until then. Leave him alone for awhile. If he needs to he will contact you. Nothing major happened yet. He didn't offend you as far as I see nor said anything that he can't take back so give him some space. When you meet up then you can discuss a possible future. Furthermore you are both adults and just playing games trying to show the other affection and wanting are stuff no longer applicable for you. Especially what he lived through and you too. Just be open with him. That's my advise.
Cherryz Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 So its seem like he is not into you for relationship. What about you being clear to him from day one if it was true dating-site , that you are looking for love,. So no one would waste time and have feeling for each-other. You can only let him know you like him or that you are looking for boyfriend, and ask him what he is looking for. If its not what you looking for then move on. No need to keep run around assuming, be straight up so you dont have to imagine things that aren't.
Author luuucca Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 Yes i think you are right...he avoids of any reliationship and when we met i remember he said that last year he tried with another person and like he said "it was totaly disaster"...so he failed 2 times...But to be online friend i don't know if i want...Because he writting every single day about everything, send pic and etc....
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Is it normal if devorced man going with his kids, ex and ex relatives to the trip like "due for kids" and he say that it all only about kids?like to visit zoo and etc....or maybe i don't understand something?
Zahara Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Is it normal if devorced man going with his kids, ex and ex relatives to the trip like "due for kids" and he say that it all only about kids?like to visit zoo and etc....or maybe i don't understand something? It all depends on their boundaries. The thing is, you're in another country and you have no clue as to how he is living his life and what goes on in a daily basis. Besides, you don't have a relationship with him so these questions have no relevancy. And yes, he can chat with you online and keep it going because it gives him attention, excitement, and likely something to distract him for his daily grind. If you want to date and seek a relationship, try dating someone closer to you. 1
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Yes i understand..distance and etc.but he writes me pretty everything and every single day morning/evening...so when i read about that plan...i was just a little bit in shock...of course i understand that this is not real relationship but if you think to take of any steps you need to be 100% sure about this person...i mean i am single and can move to live where ever i want...but this move would be very serious for me...
Zahara Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 (edited) Yes i understand..distance and etc.but he writes me pretty everything and every single day morning/evening...so when i read about that plan...i was just a little bit in shock...of course i understand that this is not real relationship but if you think to take of any steps you need to be 100% sure about this person...i mean i am single and can move to live where ever i want...but this move would be very serious for me... People can write all kinds of things. It's very easy. And with these types of situations you build a virtual fantasy in your head, You're building an image of him in your head with the very little you know about him, rather than investing your time in dates, face to face meets, glimpsing into his day to day -- getting to know him based on in person interaction, not a computer. Don't base any seriousness on this let alone move to another country. He's telling you no relationship. What else do you need? Writing to you doesn't change that fact. Listen to what he is telling you. Edited July 22, 2016 by Zahara 1
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 I know...but it is hard to cut daily chats...maybe i met somebody very different from relationships i had before...so one side (in head understand's what you say) and another side don't want to stop it...so it is like diagram.. up down up...But i feel the same from his side: can't stop but afraid of something serious...his one kid now chating with me too and ask when we will meet...so sad situation...
Zahara Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 I know...but it is hard to cut daily chats...maybe i met somebody very different from relationships i had before You don't know him! You are basing all this over chats on a computer. Building an image in your head. ...so one side (in head understand's what you say) and another side don't want to stop it...so it is like diagram.. up down up...But i feel the same from his side: can't stop but afraid of something serious...his one kid now chating with me too and ask when we will meet...so sad situation... And what kind of parent exposes their child to a stranger. On your first meeting. Someone he's known online. It's a huge red flag. This is why you don't introduce children into a situation that isn't stable or secure because it just causes them added and unnecessary confusion and stress. He doesn't sound healthy nor is this situation in terms of it keeping you stuck. 2
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 We met in real not in internet...we met at my place, then i visited him...now we will meet soon again in friends company..
Zahara Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 We met in real not in internet...we met at my place, then i visited him...now we will meet soon again in friends company.. Hun, you met twice in a span of 4 months. That's nothing. The rest is whatever you've built up in your head over chats online. Again, I'm not sure what else to tell you but 1) he sound emotionally unhealthy 2) it's a huge red flag that he has exposed his children to you and this situation 3) he's telling you no relationship 4) you deserve a relationship with someone that can reciprocate and someone that is in comfortable distance to get to know in-person. At the end of the day, the choice is yours. You'll likely have to do this your way and figure things out on your own. 2
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Well yes i guess there is no way or the only way to stop chat's...
Ijustdon'tgetit Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 I would advise against trying to change or fix someone. You're trying to get him to open up and change for you.. The only thing that usually comes from this is you ending up broken, just like him. Zahara is very wise and respected on this forum, and from my own experience in a LDR I agree that you will learn the hard way that you are creating a fantasy about this man. It's impossible to learn who he really is via online chats.
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 I even respect that i get the answers here from you because joined this forum maybe a week ago...it is really nice...yes, i agree the hardest way is to let go...but it happens only when you like someone..even not long time..I had before 4 years realationship and we broke up more easy then i have this crazy time...maybe sometimes when we don't ecxpect someone just meet one day and like boom...and yes then the only wish to make things in the way you want...
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Besides, you don't have a relationship with him so these questions have no relevancy. Hold on...not so fast. Why are they not in a relationship? They are in an LDR of sorts. Do we discount everyone who is in an LDR as not being in a relationship? Having said that, meeting twice in two months is not very much to really get to know someone. The problem with your situation, and I think this is affecting both of you, is that people who correspond over the internet or on the phone daily in an LDR have a false sense of intimacy and feel they really know each other when in actuality they do find out things about each other but don't actually get to really see their dynamic together until they spend time together for a significant amount of time. In terms of whether it is normal to spend time with ex and doing kids' outings as a family...it depends on the type of rel he has with his ex. Some couples can do that amicably for the sake of kids and have their own respective partners. The thing is, because you are not together, you have no idea what kind of relationship he actually has with his ex. Heck he might be hoping to get back with her some day and that is why he is not open to falling in love with others, and spending time for the "sake of the kids" is his way to rekindle that romance. We/you don't actually know that. You just don't know, because you are living this relationship behind a computer screen. You would be much better off meeting someone close to you for a more realistic relationship. And I know you have feeling for THIS man. The thing about these distance relationships lived on the internet is that they create more fantasies than realties for the people involved and when you do get to be together in real life the fantasies rarely live up to the fantasy. Good luck
Zahara Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Hold on...not so fast. Why are they not in a relationship? They are in an LDR of sorts. Do we discount everyone who is in an LDR as not being in a relationship? It's because he said he does not want a relationship with her. 1
Author luuucca Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Yes maybe he think to get back to ex, but like i know his ex cheated so he moved from home...and later tried with someone else..and failed..well we can only guess...
Zahara Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 I even respect that i get the answers here from you because joined this forum maybe a week ago...it is really nice...yes, i agree the hardest way is to let go...but it happens only when you like someone..even not long time..I had before 4 years realationship and we broke up more easy then i have this crazy time...maybe sometimes when we don't ecxpect someone just meet one day and like boom...and yes then the only wish to make things in the way you want... Yes, it's hard to let go regardless of how long you've been with someone. You build an attachment, an emotional one. Maybe in your 4 year relationship, you had the realization and acceptance at some point that it was ending or had to end and you were able to see it live to it's full potential. This is likely harder because it's new and your feelings are magnified, you're anticipating and wanting more, and the uncertainty creates a level of insecurity and desperation as well -- so generally you're going to feel the intensity of it. But you have to pay attention to what he is telling you. You have to pay attention to those early red flags because it's there to caution you. The right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. We've all been there. 1
Recommended Posts