Me [26 M] with my [24 F] 1 year LDR, broke up a few days ago, trying to make sense of

[W4nderer23]

So my LDR ended a few days ago and I'm reeling. I've spent the last few days running over everything I've done wrong and everything I could have done differently but I've come to a conclusion (that is super convenient because its makes it so it's not entirely my fault, unlike the other scenarios that I've come up with) that I wanted some input on.

 

So I think I should start with when I came home for Christmas. I was home for 2 weeks. At the end of that 2 weeks, I began to feel like she was tired of me, she was distant, cold and it seemed like she didn't have any feelings for me.

 

I left and went back to school a thousand miles away. When I got there, I talked to her about it. That's when she told me about how bad she is about letting herself be in relationships. About how selfish she is and how she doesn't like to think about other people if she doesn't have to. I told her I could deal with that.

 

After that, everything made sense. I thought we would work on it. I was patient enough for it.

Fast forward to this summer. I'm home for about a month. Precisely 2 weeks in, I began to have the same feelings, the same fears ran through my head. I felt like she didn't care that we were in a relationship, that it didn't mean a whole lot to her. I felt like she didn't have any feelings towards me and she was being really cold and distant again. I felt real ****ty. Again. I asked to talk sometime soon. And she ends it the next day. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship, that she needed to grow up and that our personalities didn't mesh (I disagree with that one obviously, but I understand her point of view).

 

It was exactly the same scenario. Two weeks in and she gets scared. This time she runs.

It makes sense now. She's really bad at being in a relationship. She's bad at thinking about that other person, just like she said. She's fine in a long distance relationship. She doesn't have to spend any actual time with that person. But if she feels obligated to spend time with someone, to treat them like a significant other, she begins to resent it. She begins to resent that person.

 

So it was with me. She began to resent me, because she felt obligated to spend a certain amount of time with me. It didn't help that I kept asking to spend time with her. So she gave up.

 

Two weeks seems to be about her limit. After that, she gets tired of being in a real relationship, of feeling like she's being forced to spend time with someone. She needs a lot of alone time, and being in a relationship hinders her ability to get that alone time.

Once at school and after Christmas, we were perfectly fine. That obligation she felt was gone. But that won't happen here. We won't be fine. Because she ended it. I'm not trying to blame her (although reading through this it does sound like that... I'm really not) I'm not angry, just disappointed that we couldn't try to work it out. The breakup was very amicable, with no hard feelings on either side. I have since been doing no contact.

 

Sorry for the rambling. I feel like I'm making a lot of assumptions about how she was feeling, but we didn't really talk in detail about the reasons why the relationship ended. Has anyone had a relationship with someone like this? If so, how did it work out?

 

Anyway, I'm just hoping for some input and also some opinions on whether or not this relationship is ever salvageable, perhaps somewhere down the line, because God do I miss her.

 

tl;dr: 1yr LDR ended a few days ago, trying to make sense of why.

[LD1990]

If she's getting tired of you after two weeks, it sounds like she's just not that into you. You two weren't together that long, it was a long distance relationship for the most part, and she was already getting tired of spending time with you, all of which indicate that she just wasn't into it.

[toastytiger]

Long distance relationships vs. in person on regular basis relationships are different.

Sounds like she either has intimacy issues or is just not quite feeling the same way you feel towards her.

If it is salvageable, it's starts with her and you can decide if you want to try again. Don't hold your breath though.

 

Keeping moving forward with your life and your needs. Find someone who's excited to spend two weeks or more with you! Not someone who feels burdened or tired or scared. That doesn't sound fun.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

I was in a LDR for a year but we dated only 3 months before I left. I had to go study in England by that time and at the airport she was crying so much. She hugged me like she was about to break my bones and she didn't want to let go. I had to remove her arms as she was crying as my flight was about to leave I had to board...

 

We tried to keep LDR for a years since then. We had a conversation over skype once every 1-2 days. We talked over the phone about us about how we feel and love each other. Eventually I found that she grew colder. Obviously she is not seeing me so it was bound to happen. I even wrote her a letter and sent it to her. In a week it arrived so we had a conversation over skype again. She said the letter is here and she started reading it. After about 20 minutes later I asked well ... did you read it.. and she said yes I did that awhile ago. At that point a voice in my mind said wait, she read the letter but she didn't react at all?! There is something going on so I knew she already didn't had feelings for me.

 

She eventually slept with another guy at a party where all my friends were. She contacted me via phone and I was so glad to hear her and she just said "I slept with someone, I wanted you to hear that from me and not from your friends". I was struck like hit with a bat on the head! I didn't believe it and we just stayed on the phone both not saying anything when finally I had the courage mumbling trying to hold my tears to say "ok goodbye". That night was terrible for me...

 

So anyway what I mean is LDR can do that.. not being in contact with a person, a physical contact is really what stops your relationship from progressing. Some people make it work some don't but from my experience I tried to work it out when I came back home. I only found more pain and suffering when I heard her deny me face to face. Don't go there. Live your life and do something better for yourself.

[basil67]

W4anderer, you say that you're trying to make sense of it. But the answer is right here >>That's when she told me about how bad she is about letting herself be in relationships. About how selfish she is and how she doesn't like to think about other people if she doesn't have to.<<

 

Instead of telling her you could deal with it, you should have said "I'm sorry to hear that" and walked away from her.

 

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.