Breakup after 4 years of being together

[eagleowl]

Hello,

 

I ( male ) was in a four year relationship with my girlfriend. We had our moments and we had our fights. But everything was going pretty good. I was always working and studying a lot trying to show to my GF that your have to work for something, we were different but we loved each oher to bits.

 

Here it goes. A year before I lost my job and got really depressed. I was misarable and I had to move to another city to keep working and keep my anxiety/stress controlable. She said its gonna be tough but well make it. We became a little distant. Early spring, I promised her that by the summer I'm coming back to our hometown. And in april she said she says that we should't be togheter, because other people are showing her attention. I accepted that, I said that if you need others attention, I'm ok with that, but I love you and I try to keep my promise to you. We broke up finally on may, after some wild sex. She kissed me so passionately and said that she wont be coming back.

 

I had a ring for her, just kept it a secret. So you can imagine after those words I was a pile of sh*t. Drugs, severe depression, suicidal thoughts and so on. Called her on June, she said give me some time. Called her on July she said nothing has changed, she remains firm that she wants to be apart. But a day before we talked via messages.

 

I offered her to meet up for tea or lunch probably ( because I really apreciate her as a human being she was ). At first she responded with no, later on she said she will think about it.

 

SIDE STORY: I've tried to rebound with a girl couple of weeks after my brake up. Sex was good for her, but I felt like a total animal. Came back for round two next time, sex was good, but I felt even worse.

 

WHAT the hell is wrong with me ? Am I going crazy ? Should I meet up with my ex GF ? Should I give her a poem I wrote just before our brakeup ?

 

Share your thoughs please

[NIGHT1985]

I mean, you probably won't get her back, and she's most likely playing the field and hooking up with different guys that are showing her attention. But at the same time, I know how you feel and wanna make sure you give it everything. Ask her one more time to meet up and let her know the importance, just expect her not to agree.

[juniorrocha]

Ask her one more time to meet up and let her know the importance, just expect her not to agree.

 

Oh please, don't do this.

 

Do you know what you need, OP?

 

TIME FOR YOURSELF. YOURSELF. In all caps, ilatic, bold and underlined.

 

You don't need a rebound. You don't need your ex who doesn't need you in the first place. The only thing you need right now is yourself.

 

You're clearly lost and confused, which is completely normal after a break up, and that's why you have to find the happiness within.

 

And how am I gonna do that?

 

- Working on your career/studies;

- Exercising;

- Hobbies;

- Meeting friends to go outside;

- Partying;

- Meeting new people...

 

Take the break up as a way to start over, now you have so much time for yourself, make it productive.

[SevenCity]

This story f'in sucks because it hit close to home for me. I'm really sad for you dude.

 

She showed you how she feels (and told you as well). Time to move on.

 

Don't give her anything, delete her number, sell the ring and move on with your life.

[toastytiger]

Sorry you are going through this. Hard, I know. You are not going crazy, just going through a break up.

 

Don't send her that poem. I agree with juniorrocha. She has made it very clear she is wanting to be apart right now. She knows you still want her, if she wants to get back together, she knows where to find you. Show her you respect yourself enough by moving on gracefully because you don't want to be with someone who will ditch you when they start getting attention elsewhere.

 

If you continue reaching out to her, you will keep getting disappointed and drag things out. This is a great time to reflect on the relationship and reflect on yourself. Things are naturally emotional, reactive, and shaky right after a break up -- take some space, get some clarity!

 

You don't deserve to wait around for someone to turn around. You want a woman who is ready to be with you and reciprocate your love full-on.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

That's really sad... I am sorry for you but things will get better I am sure.

 

The ring part was so moving it's like your pain was felt in those words. I know what it's like someone who loves you so much to leave you, kissing passionately, doing amazing wild love and such but never experienced the pain to want to spend your life with her and for her to leave anyway.

 

You really need some time for yourself. Stuff like that ring will drag you down and remind you of a pain that will stick to you as long as that object is there with you. I agreed that you should sell the ring. Be NC but in case she comes to you in any way I myself would let her know that once I had a ring ready! This is just me probably a wrong thing to do but if I was so far ahead doing it in the first place I would let that person know. Just because I would love to see the reaction on their face that they left me while I was committing so hard.

 

My advise is to keep visiting the forums. Express your feelings, write about them, help other people and post daily updates how you feel in the coping section. This really helps me out I haven't cried ever since I joined the forums. It helps me a lot I didn't even knew it was possible. But you must exercise, constantly move and not deprive yourself of feeling good as well.

[eagleowl]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the answers. You know theres a strange coincidence. She allways called me an owl, since she said I was very smart. I made tattoo of an owl with numbers 929 under it. They symbolise ending and ending means new begining.

 

I don't know whats going in her head, because I was so into her, she was my best friend, my ultimate lover, my support when things were getting hairy.

 

Also I know that I'm not that guy who she fell in love with anymore. I was outgoing, somewhat fit, allways smiling and allways right beside her. Now im underweight, smoking, tired ( since i was driving up and down from another town to meet her ) and stuff like that.

 

I dont know... Probably I'm stupid, but deep down in my heart I still have a little breadcrumb of hope.

 

Talking bout hobbies and going out, yeah I do try ocasionaly to hang out, but afterwards when I come home I feel extreme depression. And since I work as a receptionist for truck service I allways have to be polite, looking good and allways have to keep my tone sweet for clients to feel good.

 

 

****, I don't know, I need to carry this pain like a baby and let it go after some time

[eagleowl]

update no. 2.

 

I allready sold the ring and during our last eye to eye conversation I told her. She was crying her heart out, asking why I didin't say earlier when she didin't let me go yet.

 

Sometime earlier when we were in NC, her sister reached out to me. Casual talk. I slip and I told them that I love their family and I really care about them. She said we all miss you too. I asked how does she think is there any hope for me and my ex to get back togherer, she said i don't wanna hurt you but probably no. I asked then if she thinks my ex still loves me. She made a pause and said I can't answer that.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

update no. 2.

 

I allready sold the ring and during our last eye to eye conversation I told her. She was crying her heart out, asking why I didin't say earlier when she didin't let me go yet.

 

Sometime earlier when we were in NC, her sister reached out to me. Casual talk. I slip and I told them that I love their family and I really care about them. She said we all miss you too. I asked how does she think is there any hope for me and my ex to get back togherer, she said i don't wanna hurt you but probably no. I asked then if she thinks my ex still loves me. She made a pause and said I can't answer that.

 

She may have feelings for you still if your love was so pure. Don't exclude that from the equation but it may not be enough to get back together. I knew that a similar reaction would come but leave it be now. It's stupid for her to tell you why you didn't say that earlier when she was the one not to give you a chance to do it anyway. Seriously leave it and be happy on your own for awhile. Heal up, exercise and get back in shape. If she is truly the one she will come back for good but she has to prove she is as committed as you are. Don't overthink it however continue alone and don't try to nudge her to come to this realization. She can do that on her own if it is meant to happen otherwise you will just find someone who appreciates you in time.

[eagleowl]

Thanks, Heart, I try to keep calm. But this insane amount of stress is killing me, she has a new friend. She keeps her social media empty, but this new guy has a photo on his IG with her sitting together by his side. This really moved me.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

It is always unbearable to look at our loved one being with someone else. That's why blocking on social media and sites you are able to see her is a thing and not just a metaphor. If you don't want to block her at least unfollow her and make yourself a rule not to open her profile. Don't check pictures as well just continue looking forward to your new life.

 

Feeling of guilt, depression, anger and love can all mix up in a terrible soup. Us men we never cope too well if we really loved our girl. This is because of scientific reasons actually - we just produce a couple of substances in our brain when we lose a loved one equal to actually losing someone as in death. We start loosing shape, we get out of healthy lifestyle and we have destructive thoughts of depression and whatnot. Your job is to keep them at bay because at the end of the day it's all in your head.

 

Constantly checking pictures will only put some salt in the wound. You have to forget and in order to do that you have to stop looking. There's a saying that goes "Far from the eyes, far from the heart". Follow it, embrace it and move on. You are a good person at least from what I am reading and I believe things will get better, things will get together for you in time. Understand you need the alone time to heal, be with yourself and understand your nature. Someone will come who will stay for good and by that time you will no longer feel the need of your current love.

[Lonely Cloud]

I strongly relate to this, I'm going through the same feelings and it's hard. But what Heart has said is calming and helpful, time to grow as a person is needed.

We'll get through this, find someone just as good or not even better.

[eagleowl]

But how one can move on so fast and another ( me ) just keeps on rolling the reel back and forth ?

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

But how one can move on so fast and another ( me ) just keeps on rolling the reel back and forth ?

 

You need to realize that people are different. Some may move on fast others move on slowly. It may not mean she moved on completely but enough to be with someone else. If you love her so much want her to be happy. I know it's a tough call to want her to be happy with someone else beside you but I always tend to look in the bigger picture. I want people to be happy it's who I am. I want the people I loved to be happy and if it means them to be with someone else then so be it. Who am I to stop them?

 

Also it is always hard to look them move on so fast but like I said people move on differently. Stop fixating on that and having these thoughts they are destroying you. Instead focus on the good things in life. Part of being frightened is that you may no longer find a suitable mate. I myself live with that every day. I think after my ex I won't be able to find anyone.. may or may not it's not productive for me to ponder over. I just keep on living because with a healthy lifestyle and a smile on my face I'm sure I can attract the proper person for me You should do the same!

[juniorrocha]

But how one can move on so fast and another ( me ) just keeps on rolling the reel back and forth ?

 

She could've checked out of the relationship way before the actual break up. She may still love you, but deep inside she knows it's not going to work. There are many possibilities. The best you can do is: don't analyse it.

 

Also, people have different reactions towards break ups. You know, everyone is different. Accepting that will make it easier.

 

Sometimes you'll wonder whether they're in a new relationship, or kissing/having sex with randoms, or doing things you thought they never would... but the best you can do is cut off any source of information regarding their lives, so it remains unknown what they're up to, and therefore you won't hurt as much.

 

Let her go. If she really loved you, she would be with you now. But she isn't. Put that in your mind as a way to understand that you need someone who really loves you. And you'll find that someone eventually.

[PracticalGrit617]

Hi Eagleowl,

I read your story and it's good to hear that you're making decisions to move forward. You're grieving, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, now you're wrestling, as you said, with the crumb of hope. That's the trap, the endless cycle of "what if" and "maybe now." You've heard from her sister, and you heard from your ex. Deep down you know what the answer is. But it's tough to accept. Before you can focus on yourself, you need to make peace with this situation. Have you ever written a red letter? Write your ex a letter, being completely honest with how she made you feel. Get all the ugly out. You don't actually send it to her, but it allows you the freedom of addressing her and your pain with the truth. Marriage is a partnership based on commitment, trust, respect and communication (to name a few). "Love" is a feeling, it comes and goes. I've learned to love people for who they are, not who I want them to be. I trust this will serve as a foundation for your next relationship. When you meet someone who you believe is someone you want to marry, I suggest speaking with a counselor. The best part is that you can speak to someone on your own and as a couple. A marriage counselor can help you navigate, avoid and confront hidden pitfalls. Keep going strong! I have no doubt that healing is within your grasp. But do yourself a favor, don't pick the scab. Give yourself a clean break by cleaning house. And know that I'm praying for your heart to heal.