shall i give another chance?

[peanut38]

Hi everyone. Even though i used so many times in the past the forum's advice, this is my very first time posting something. So here is the thing..

First of all, I am not a little girl, I am 35 years old. I ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and i really thought we loved each other. However, we had many problems, regarding our acceptance etc. We don't live in the US (so please forgive my english grammar mistakes, i am not a native speaker). I currently live at his country which is where we met. He has a child and even though my career here is not going great, i decided from the beginning to commit to this relationship and look for better opportunities in this country. I have some friends here so it looked like a good compromise.

I am currently not so happy with my career but i am fighting for a better future. The problems started when he was complaining that he doesnt like the place i live (30 mins away from his home and 45 mins away from the place his kid lives) because it makes him depressed and i keep him so far away from his kid. [Please note that he doesnt have the best relationship with his ex, meaning that she controls when he can (if he can) see the kid etc. when we met she was only allowing him to see the kid 3 hours per week].

I dont wanna get into too many details but basically this destroyed us. I felt he never appreciated my willing to stay here for him and his kid and at the same tim he has an issue that he always feels like downgrading what I am doing. He says it's the "city" i live in but i think it's much bigger than that cos we even have a conflict when i just choose a film to watch together. I dont know if thats a general trust issue (he claims he is not like this with others) or if it's his low self esteem that makes him so difficult.

I am a rather strong and highly educated woman and I must admit i work in a men's world so It's hard for me to accept these behaviors.

So the conflict came very fast and he started having doubts. during the "doubt period he had a burn out, we ve been very bad and we broke up over the phone (whenever we were not fighting).

I decided to cut all contact on his last berak up but we still had to arrange some stuff. Then he realized he is losing me and tried to contact me constantly. We attempted to talk yesterday and we had another fight.

And today, (after he blocked me on his phone yesterday etc), he announced that last night he just slept with another woman. After a very long talk, i asked him to finally meet and discuss things in person and that i cannot really get over this but after 2 years we should be able to give us a chance to finally meet. I tried to be civilized because we were not officially together when he did that. However i dont know if i can get over it.

he said he feels very bad and doesnt wanna meet me in the end. I said that this would be the only indication that he actually has some feelings cos this was the worse that could happen and if he wanted to continue he has to show some regret and slowly start building things up one day. He denied and said he is almost having another burn out and i should respect his peace.

Here is the thing. When i show love, he is behaving like an ******* completely. When i keep distance, he gets into me I dont wanna play those games anymore but thats how things work.

I am old enough, in a complicated career and all i need is some love, stability and perhaps kids even if it's a bit late. He wants kids too but he claims tha place i live is too bad and doesnt want kids here. However, as a foreigner, i only have some friends here (at the moment) and all my family is very far away.

Tomorrow he said we ll meet. I dont know what to do...

[dpass]

No, you are both too immature.

[standtall]

Nope...too much baggage. Get another.

[peanut38]

Why do you think we are both too immature?

[peanut38]

No, you are both too immature.

 

Why do you think so?

[juniorrocha]

Why do you think so?

 

Just read your own post and you'll know. Bad communication seems like a big red flag here.

 

Also, you're both playing many games. Love isn't about games. When you're just getting to know someone, then I suppose letting them come for you and vice versa is a good thing, but once you're in a 2 years relationship, that behavior is just stupid.

[peanut38]

Just read your own post and you'll know. Bad communication seems like a big red flag here.

 

Also, you're both playing many games. Love isn't about games. When you're just getting to know someone, then I suppose letting them come for you and vice versa is a good thing, but once you're in a 2 years relationship, that behavior is just stupid.

 

Thanks for you reply. Yes i understand that. Actually, i dont know about him, but I dont intentionally play games. I just decided to cut contact cos I was too hurt and i needed to move on. The he started looking for me.

I dont think he also doesnt it intentionally. But it's too much ego involved i guess..

[dpass]

Why do you think so?

 

-He wants to be closer to his kid, you are unwilling to move. Kids are extremely important and he needs to be close. Red flag #1: he has a poor relationship with his ex and mother of his child.

 

-He doesn't understand the sacrifice you made to move to another country. Red flag #2: poor communication

 

-You fight over what movie to watch together. Red flag #3: Very common interests. Red flag #4: You fight over small things that don't deserve a fight.

 

-You fought immediately after a break when you resumed contact. Red Flag #5: After distance you aren't back in the "honeymoon phase" you are fighting right off the bat.

 

-He blocked you after fighting, very immature. To add to the immaturity he had sex with another woman AND told you (to get back at you) Red Flag #6: Immaturity on his part.

 

-You cannot get over him having sex with another woman while you were broken up. Red Flag #7: Immature on your part.

 

-He doesn't want to meet with you to talk about it. Another point for immaturity, or just not interested in you.

 

He is playing games by being mean when you are nice and nice when you are mean. Yet another point for immaturity. And you are going along with it, so you get another immature point as well.

 

The meeting tomorrow, if he was even going to show up, cancel. This relationship is bad news. Do you really want HIM and all of his red flags and immaturity being your babies father? Is THAT who you want to rely on?

[peanut38]

-He wants to be closer to his kid, you are unwilling to move. Kids are extremely important and he needs to be close. Red flag #1: he has a poor relationship with his ex and mother of his child.

 

-He doesn't understand the sacrifice you made to move to another country. Red flag #2: poor communication

 

-You fight over what movie to watch together. Red flag #3: Very common interests. Red flag #4: You fight over small things that don't deserve a fight.

 

-You fought immediately after a break when you resumed contact. Red Flag #5: After distance you aren't back in the "honeymoon phase" you are fighting right off the bat.

 

-He blocked you after fighting, very immature. To add to the immaturity he had sex with another woman AND told you (to get back at you) Red Flag #6: Immaturity on his part.

 

-You cannot get over him having sex with another woman while you were broken up. Red Flag #7: Immature on your part.

 

-He doesn't want to meet with you to talk about it. Another point for immaturity, or just not interested in you.

 

He is playing games by being mean when you are nice and nice when you are mean. Yet another point for immaturity. And you are going along with it, so you get another immature point as well.

 

The meeting tomorrow, if he was even going to show up, cancel. This relationship is bad news. Do you really want HIM and all of his red flags and immaturity being your babies father? Is THAT who you want to rely on?

 

Thank you for your insight i agree but it's hard to see those things when you are into the situation.

I will only add that about moving around the place his child lives, i could be open as long as i felt good enough and supported (but i didnt and i felt too lonely to decide that). About me accepting that he slept with someone else, I know, i should get over it (thats why i kept the communication open) but it's hard to accept it when we broke up so short time ago.

Also i dont think it's the common interested (we have plenty of those and we work in the same field). the problem is something related to "control" in my opinion. I feel sometimes he is not happy leaving control on me.

Anyway, Yes, there are many red flags. I know what is the right thing to do but i don't feel that way and I always fall back to this story..

Also to be honest, it's the first man I ve met that actually did want kids. I ve been dating for so long people who made me feel they never saw me seriously enough. As i am very busy, probably i am too demanding and i have poor judgement.

[tomatome]

Poor judgement, maybe. Too demanding？ I don't think so, you've simply asked to be in a stable, loving relationship. It doesn't sound like you have one.

 

He's sounds very immature and emotionally manipulative. He appears to be disrespectful and doesn't value you as your own person. This is unlikely to change. So in terms of judgment, how many years of your life are you willing to risk for something that is not likely to be better than what you have now?

[Giggles666]

Stop thinking with your heart/emotions. He's controlling, move on, he is not going to change and you will just go down the rabbit hole of hell again.

 

Plus he wants kids, that's important to you....so have them in a healthy relationship. Don't have them with a controlling immature guy.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

If you have kids with this guy you will be miserable for the rest of your life!

 

Please.. nobody should be with someone who openly admits he slept with another woman, has so many red flags and doesn't appreciate what you are doing for him. You are 35 and moved to another country for him, doing all that effort he doesn't deserve. At least he has to have decency and respect for what you are doing. This guy is bad news just forget about it and move on. Like that song, don't try to close up a vein with the wrong patch!!!

[peanut38]

Indeed. We contacted today and he said he is not available to meet me and he is with the new woman that he is super enthusiastic about and never felt like this in years.

According to what he said, they only know each other for 1-2 weeks (if thats even true). He rejected any meeting with me as "very stressful" and I give him too much pressure by being "needy" because i insisted to meet, break up in person and also get my stuff back from his place. I also suggested to talk it out and leave all the options open since we were supposed to love each other but we had practical problems. I guess that made me "needy".

He said i am his "family" and he loves me very much but he doesnt want me.

I accept that he doesnt want me. But how can a person who once "loved" you cannot even make some emotional and practical space to properly meet and look at you in the eyes to break up after 2 years?

He has been keeping my belongings at his place all week and canceling one meeting after the other (with mutual friends) cos he wanted to Meet me and talk before he passes them to me (I was emotionally a wreck and needed some time so I didnt wanna meet him in person so soon). Yesterday within tears he asked me to not tell anyone about that other woman, and especially my family cos he felt ashamed. Today he was just happy and things are fantastic with her.

 

I understand that's crazy and i dont deserve this childish behavior nor someone that is not into me or plays games to control me. But it's extremely hard for me. I wish nobody will ever make anyone feel like this in this world.

[Downtown]

Here is the thing. When i show love, he is behaving like an ******* completely. When i keep distance, he gets into me I dont wanna play those games anymore....

Peanut, your exBF may not be playing games with you at all. Instead, he may be reacting constantly to two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Yet, if that really is the case, his abandonment fear almost certainly would be exhibited in the form of irrational jealousy -- which you make no mention of. I therefore ask whether you observed any strong irrational jealousy -- or other lack of trust of you -- during your 2-year relationship?

[peanut38]

I didn't notice any extreme jealousy over other men. I admit he wouldnt be the most relaxed person, and he would be questioning about who could the guys I hang out were but nothing controlling or weird.

However, in a way the "jealousy" seemed to me mostly on putting me down when i had some nice work projects. He would say "i support you" but the bottom line would be that he would avoid talking about my work much with excuses as "it's saturday to today and we shouldnt be talking about work". He wouldnt apply this rule when it comes to his work though so it felt weird.

I had a few signs that he felt not good enough compared to me (absolutely not true for me) in terms of education etc also because we are in same profession. However I tried show and assure him that it wasn't the case.

Another example: During the last 2 months and his "doubt period" that he was depressed etc, he was very busy with work. However, when i denied 1-2 meetings to talk about our relationship because i had to work on some extra projects, he got very angry and basically dumped me the next day. He said he felt like I had to show that i care by canceling my work. I never asked him to do such a thing. So in a way looked like competitive and as if he subconsciously wanted to put me down again.

From my part, that was one of the core problems in the relationship. He could enjoy the same concert if it was HIS choice but if it was MY choice he would be bitter, say sth negative in the end etc. And unfortunately this made me angry many times and we had a fight.. I know, not very mature from my side as well..

[peanut38]

Peanut, your exBF may not be playing games with you at all. Instead, he may be reacting constantly to two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Yet, if that really is the case, his abandonment fear almost certainly would be exhibited in the form of irrational jealousy -- which you make no mention of. I therefore ask whether you observed any strong irrational jealousy -- or other lack of trust of you -- during your 2-year relationship?

 

I didn't notice any extreme jealousy over other men. I admit he wouldnt be the most relaxed person, and he would be questioning about who could the guys I hang out were but nothing controlling or weird.

However, in a way the "jealousy" seemed to me mostly on putting me down when i had some nice work projects. He would say "i support you" but the bottom line would be that he would avoid talking about my work much with excuses as "it's saturday to today and we shouldnt be talking about work". He wouldnt apply this rule when it comes to his work though so it felt weird.

I had a few signs that he felt not good enough compared to me (absolutely not true for me) in terms of education etc also because we are in same profession. However I tried show and assure him that it wasn't the case.

Another example: During the last 2 months and his "doubt period" that he was depressed etc, he was very busy with work. However, when i denied 1-2 meetings to talk about our relationship because i had to work on some extra projects, he got very angry and basically dumped me the next day. He said he felt like I had to show that i care by canceling my work. I never asked him to do such a thing. So in a way looked like competitive and as if he subconsciously wanted to put me down again.

From my part, that was one of the core problems in the relationship. He could enjoy the same concert if it was HIS choice but if it was MY choice he would be bitter, say sth negative in the end etc. And unfortunately this made me angry many times and we had a fight.. I know, not very mature from my side as well..

[peanut38]

Peanut, your exBF may not be playing games with you at all. Instead, he may be reacting constantly to two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Yet, if that really is the case, his abandonment fear almost certainly would be exhibited in the form of irrational jealousy -- which you make no mention of. I therefore ask whether you observed any strong irrational jealousy -- or other lack of trust of you -- during your 2-year relationship?

 

About the lack of trust... Yes, he said he couldnt get close enough to me because he didnt like the place i live and socially we couldnt find common ground. However, he had very similar behavior in other places we visited too, including the country I am from.

I noticed that if he was surrounded by many friend/family of mine, he could even feel too much pressure to have a panic attack (so i helped him with that, comforting him and doing whatever he needed). But when it was just me and him, instead of panic attack he would just be bitter about something I chose so we would either fight or change the plan and go with his choice.

[Downtown]

Peanut, I asked about jealousy because the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior you describe commonly occurs when a person has a great fear of both abandonment and engulfment. This unstable behavior occurs because those two fears lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum -- thus making it impossible for you to avoid triggering one fear without drawing closer to triggering the other.

 

My exW, for example, would feel suffocated and controlled by me whenever I drew close to her to assure her of my love and devotion. She would be so engulfed by that suffocating feeling -- after a few hours or days of intimacy -- that she would create a fight (over absolutely nothing) to push me away. And, because all of this occurred at a subconscious level, she was absolutely convinced that I was the one who had started the fight.

 

But as I backed away to give her breathing room, I unavoidably would start triggering her abandonment fear. The result is that our relationship exhibited a cycle of push-away/pull-back -- sort of like what you are describing.

 

Yet, because your exBF did not exhibit strong irrational jealousy or an inability to trust you, the cycle I describe above does not seem to apply to your situation. I therefore suspect that your exBF is reacting to another set of fears. Whatever they are, they are sufficiently strong to result in him having panic attacks and feeling engulfed when around your friends or family members for very long. Moreover, I agree with you that you seem to be describing warning signs for low self esteem and emotional immaturity.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone. Even though i used so many times in the past the forum's advice, this is my very first time posting something. So here is the thing..

First of all, I am not a little girl, I am 35 years old. I ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and i really thought we loved each other. However, we had many problems, regarding our acceptance etc. We don't live in the US (so please forgive my english grammar mistakes, i am not a native speaker). I currently live at his country which is where we met. He has a child and even though my career here is not going great, i decided from the beginning to commit to this relationship and look for better opportunities in this country. I have some friends here so it looked like a good compromise.

I am currently not so happy with my career but i am fighting for a better future. The problems started when he was complaining that he doesnt like the place i live (30 mins away from his home and 45 mins away from the place his kid lives) because it makes him depressed and i keep him so far away from his kid. [Please note that he doesnt have the best relationship with his ex, meaning that she controls when he can (if he can) see the kid etc. when we met she was only allowing him to see the kid 3 hours per week].

I dont wanna get into too many details but basically this destroyed us. I felt he never appreciated my willing to stay here for him and his kid and at the same tim he has an issue that he always feels like downgrading what I am doing. He says it's the "city" i live in but i think it's much bigger than that cos we even have a conflict when i just choose a film to watch together. I dont know if thats a general trust issue (he claims he is not like this with others) or if it's his low self esteem that makes him so difficult.

I am a rather strong and highly educated woman and I must admit i work in a men's world so It's hard for me to accept these behaviors.

So the conflict came very fast and he started having doubts. during the "doubt period he had a burn out, we ve been very bad and we broke up over the phone (whenever we were not fighting).

I decided to cut all contact on his last berak up but we still had to arrange some stuff. Then he realized he is losing me and tried to contact me constantly. We attempted to talk yesterday and we had another fight.

And today, (after he blocked me on his phone yesterday etc), he announced that last night he just slept with another woman. After a very long talk, i asked him to finally meet and discuss things in person and that i cannot really get over this but after 2 years we should be able to give us a chance to finally meet. I tried to be civilized because we were not officially together when he did that. However i dont know if i can get over it.

he said he feels very bad and doesnt wanna meet me in the end. I said that this would be the only indication that he actually has some feelings cos this was the worse that could happen and if he wanted to continue he has to show some regret and slowly start building things up one day. He denied and said he is almost having another burn out and i should respect his peace.

Here is the thing. When i show love, he is behaving like an ******* completely. When i keep distance, he gets into me I dont wanna play those games anymore but thats how things work.

I am old enough, in a complicated career and all i need is some love, stability and perhaps kids even if it's a bit late. He wants kids too but he claims tha place i live is too bad and doesnt want kids here. However, as a foreigner, i only have some friends here (at the moment) and all my family is very far away.

Tomorrow he said we ll meet. I dont know what to do...

 

When i show love, he is behaving like an ******* completely. When i keep distance, he gets into me -- This wouldn't be a second chance, it will have been a number of chances given the push/pull scenario you've been in. With each push/pull, there has been distance and then it gets closed up for a period of time.

 

You've been doing this for quite a while. Giving another chance would be like doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results -- the definition of insanity.

 

Meet him, tell him you're moving on. Take your phone out and delete his number and then when you get home, block his number through your phone carrier. Done is done. You deserve better, go find it.