Screwed up and now I'm pregnant...

[bubbaganoosh]

I keep thinking that with you keeping this dirty little secret and the day you deliver and your boyfriend notice that this kid isn't half Asian, that's a hell of a way to find out that you cheated.

 

Now not only would it be that you cheated on him, but you gave birth to the other guys baby . More then likely the cops would probably be called and more trouble then you could imagine so why don't you do the right thing, stand up like an adult and let your boyfriend know what happened. It's called "doing the right thing"

 

You said he's been your biggest supporter so the least you can do is be honest with him. He deserves that much and then he has the choice to stay with you or go. Not to mention that if your 8 months clean then what the hell are you doing anywhere near a drug dealer? All that leads to is a step closer to going backwards.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not to mention that if your 8 months clean then what the hell are you doing anywhere near a drug dealer? All that leads to is a step closer to going backwards.

 

***currently I am 7 months clean*** due to the fact I am pregnant.

 

She stopped using when she found out she was pregnant.

 

Moonsmission, congrats on your sobriety. Continued success will be based on living a life of truth and authenticity. Don't make an exception in this important regard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

have you considered giving up this baby for adoption? There are groups that will help you with the pregnancy, make sure you and the baby are healthy, and will provide a loving family with a good financial situation for the kid....all the things your child will need to make it in today's world.

 

Also, they can hook you up with the proper contraception methods that fit your lifestyle....maybe a intrauterine device that you do not have to do anything to use?

 

If not, you have a 50-50 chance of having your BF leave you, are in a drug friendly environment and therefore may lose the baby anyway. There might be some way to set up the delivery so your BF never actually gets to SEE the kid, which would save your relationship if there was anything awry.

 

Good luck! Glad you are drug free during the pregnancy...that must be really hard to do!

[road]

It's very difficult to pinpoint date of conception. Sperm can stay viable in the body for up to 72 hours after intercourse. Given the proximity of the dates, it is possible that either one is the father.

 

Genetic testing during pregnancy is possible, but it has risks and may not be covered by insurance if there is no reason to perform it other than establishing paternity.

 

Lady Hamilton: My children are half-Asian, and it is definitely something that can be seen at birth. If your partner is 100% Asian, the genes tend to be very dominant so it is almost assured the child will have dark hair and eyes. Newborns, especially, tend to resemble their father strongly, so it will become apparent quickly.

 

 

 

Out of date advice:

 

 

Paternity testing is now safe because they no longer touch the baby or enter the womb in any manner.

 

 

It has been discovered that some of the baby's blood cells gets into the mother blood stream. So they take a blood sample from the mom and then separate out the baby's blood cells then they can do a paternity DNA test.

 

 

Better then waiting 9 months. For all adults and the child involved.

[aliveagain]

Wouldn't they need your boyfriends approval before doing a paternity test, he would wonder why you need to test your child wouldn't he? All this trouble over a hundred or two dollars, your worth more than that and so is your relationship. Let's all hope it's your boyfriends, he will need to know the truth about your infidelity.

[anika99]

my daughter in law is half Asian and half Caucasian...she does not look Asian...but she does not look Caucasian...When my son met her he thought that she was Hispanic. My granddaughter who is only 1/4 Asian...looks more Asian than her mother....

 

Interesting how that works. My mom and her siblings are 1/2 Irish and 1/2 Chinese. They are all dark haired and olive skinned but people have a hard time guessing their nationality. They get mistaken for being Hispanic, Filipino, Polynesian, etc...rarely do people guess Chinese. On the other hand I am 1/4 Irish 1/4 Chinese and 1/2 Native Cree ( my father was full blooded Cree) and people guess me as Chinese right away.

 

In regards to the OP I think it's pretty hard to pinpoint the exact date of conception based on ultrasounds and a calendar. I'm leaning towards it being the BF simply based on the fact that he ejaculated fully inside of you while the other guy pulled out well before ejaculation. Anything is possible though.

[EverySunset]

Oh honey, I can just tell how scared you are.

 

Now that you were seven months along, and so scared, I can hear your desperation and coming to an unknown site, and asking for help like this. My heart goes out to you. Truly, I can feel how much you are overwhelmed.

 

Sometimes, I believe in Toughlove. Helping someone understand the consequences of what they've done, and so forth. However, I don't think that's in anyway what you need here. You're probably flooded with hormones, having a hard time sleeping, and almost terrified with thoughts of the future – and your new baby.

 

It's easy to read how much you want to be a good person now. For yourself, for your boyfriend, and for your baby. And for that I applaud you! It's true, the time frames that were talking about here, while they do seem to point to your boyfriend, cannot possibly be ascertained with methods that merely estimate time frames. The only clear-cut way that you will know, moving forward, who is the father… Is to get tested. You may want to engage the other fellow, and do some paternity testing.

 

Myself, I have a almost- ridiculous path of fessing up when I am confronted. Why? Because I don't know how to live any other way. However, as an older individual, I have seen how men react to issue such as this. And I tell you, only you know your boyfriend. I have known many men that can simply cannot handle the truth, and so in my opinion, which almost always falls to the most blatant forthright version of the truth, I advise caution.. I suggest that you get testing done, so you know exactly what you are dealing with.

 

As I see it, you have two choices ahead of you. Find out if the child is your boyfriends, and if it is, you have to decide whether or not you can live with never telling him the truth, once you and your baby have been tested for STDs. At that point, you will be a happy family hopefully, and you should absolutely get into therapy to make sure that you don't fall back onto your coping mechanism of using drugs when things get hard.

 

If the baby is not his, you have a much different set of choices. But until you know which situation you have to address, I simply don't see how you can move forward. So your very next step is to get this baby tested, through as the little interference as possible ( while you're still pregnant ) and see which steps you need to decide from.

 

I know how hard your decisions are right now. I am so, so proud of you for giving up drugs in their entirety because you know that you were carrying a new little life inside you. No matter what happens, I understand that there are people you may not even know about who will help you in this journey. Whether it's to keep your baby with your boyfriend, potentially keep this baby by yourself, or even have this baby adopted if you feel you cannot move forward in the situation. With all love, and all good wishes, I send you strength to deal with what you have ahead of you, and encourage you to understand that you were absolutely capable of dealing with it. Whether it's by yourself, with a boyfriend, with a potential estranged partner, or whatever life brings you. You have already started to make very good choices for yourself and your new family, and as a sister, I applaud you.

 

Please take care of yourself. Please go and get tested, for a full STD panel, and paternity. I hope you have someone in real life to give you hugs, listen to you, and then give you more hugs. Please don't shut anyone out right now… My guess is that you'll need them.

 

As many hugs as I can send, and good focused energies for you and your new baby… You can do this mama. You can do this!

Edited July 9, 2016 by EverySunset
I'm a spelling doof

[OneLov]

I'm leaning towards it being the BF simply based on the fact that he ejaculated fully inside of you while the other guy pulled out well before ejaculation. Anything is possible though.

 

I agree because there is still some sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluid. The fact is it is a numbers game and b/f does have overwhelming odds when considering drug users have lower sperm counts and b/f has provided more troops. BUT from what I understand, it boils down to when ovulation is occurring and the environment in the woman's body that allows for sperm to live longer. You cannot conclude its your b/f's despite the odds being in his (and your) favor.

[Moonsmission]

If you're certain of Oct 22 being the start of your period, and if they are regular at about 28-30 days, then much higher odds on the boyfriend. The 12th is a full three weeks after, so this would be the beginning of the safe time. The pull-out increases the odds further. Hope it works out for everyone's sake.

 

I am pretty certain it was the 22nd, or the 21st. In those cases my ovulation dates would best range from nov 3-nov 6 which ties into the exact time me and my bf had sex. IF my egg was released at that point it would be a sure sign that it was him. I have this feeling in my gut that it is, but it just scares me to think otherwise.

[Moonsmission]

I agree with most of the posters above. It does sound like it's your boyfriends kid.

 

Congrats on getting clean. I'm very anti-infidelity and I'm usually one to encourage honesty, but in your particular case it sounds like you were in the throes of an addiction and had lost control of your senses. It appears to have been a one time thing and I don't see the point in saying anything to your boyfriend about it unless the baby turns out not to be his and you know this for a fact.

 

Some people will yell at me for this I'm sure, but I stand by my opinion. This is a special case. Addiction is an illness and it can absolutely cause people to behave in ways they normally wouldn't.

 

Thank you!, its not easy staying clean some days but I have a lot of support behind me and really do want to turn my life around for my child and bf. When I was using, it was all about me and what I wanted and had no regard for anyone else. But I truly have learnt my lesson and hope to continue on a better path!

 

Something I've decided to do is go for a 3D/4D ultrasound. I hear you can see some features of baby. Maybe this will give me some peace of mind if I can identify some of my bf's characteristics . *Fingers crossed*

[Moonsmission]

Certainly agree with this. But...

 

 

 

Put yourself in the BF's shoes. Can you imagine being in the delivery room and watching your partner give birth to a child that's not an ethnic match?

 

Moonsmission, if your BF's been around during your addiction he knows the self-destructive behaviors you were capable of. Don't reward his loyalty and support with more deception. He deserves to know what's going on regardless of the odds. I'll remind you, Leicester City was 5,000 to 1...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Its hard but we have been through a lot already. He is a really sweet guy and is really helping me a lot during the pregnancy. I'm going for a 3D/4D ultrasound just to have an idea...hopefully. I think I will have to talk to him, just need to figure out what I'm going to say... AND hopefully turns out in our favour as he has always wanted a son

[Moonsmission]

If her OB/GYN is any kind of doctor, he would have administered a full STD panel including an AIDS test when she first found out she was pregnant, especially considering her past with drugs. She says she has been clean since she found out about the pregnancy so addiction is unlikely.

 

Honestly, if the baby is her boyfriends and she stays clean, I don't see why the child can't have a perfectly normal life.

 

Yes, when I found out I was pregnant, I had a full STD scan and it came out clean. I don't wish to go back to that lifestyle. I see now more clearly since not using that it is a wonderful life to know someone would do absolutely anything for me, and I don't want to cause any more problems than I already have. Life lesson learned for sure.

[Moonsmission]

I agree... Being cheated on with a drug dealer in exchange for drugs may be difficult for him to accept. If the dealer is the father, being rejected by him may not be so awful for the baby. OP didn't say if he used drugs too, so that I'm curious about as well as people who struggle with sobriety tend to attract others who do as well.

 

I'd get AA and the pros involved in this so they can mediate what's best and be prepared to cast the net to help protect her sobriety when things get hard.

 

Maybe this was the inspiration she needed to get her life back from her disease... After all, that does happen.

 

As for the abortion issue, while she could still legal get an abortion in a small handful of areas, it seems clear to me she is preparing to be a mother. I think given the circumstances that's a very brave decision that shows some incredible forethought, especially given her background. I'm also hoping for nothing but the best for her.

 

Unfortunately the other man would NOT be a suitable parent what so ever. We had sex basically for the drugs and he also forced himself on me. But me at the time was just doing anything for my fix even though he wouldn't stop when I told him that I had enough. At the time I was high on prescription drugs that he had given me to basically feel "out of mind". He has done this to many other women too and has had women who reacted badly to the pills and have been hospitalized. He doesn't have a job except dealing and he still lives downstairs in his moms basement and he is nearly 30. He has been arrested before and is not someone I'd EVER wish to raise a child with.

 

As for my bf, he is clean. He drinks here and there when he goes out with friends and doesn't really dab into marijuana or anything. He has had a few puffs in the past but basically remains clean. He has 2 jobs and is planning to go back to school for a law degree. He is an ideal man that I would LOVE for my son to be raised by.

 

I'm on the straight and narrow now and realize that since i've been clean I have more connection with my family and friends instead of withdrawing and going quiet from everyone who cares about me.

[SoleMate]

An ultrasound is not going to determine parentage.....

 

Yes, it is good to know about noninvasive prenatal paternity testing. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/20/health/paternity-blood-tests-that-work-early-in-a-pregnancy.html However, it doesn't seem feasible without the potential father's cooperation as a sample of his blood is required. (For you, either one of the men would do.)

 

What do you want your future life to be like? We're all assuming that your bf is like a husband, in being your intended life partner. Is this true? Did you choose him based on his husbandly qualities? Or is he more of a stopgap solution? Your bf was with you for years while you were abusing drugs - now that you're clean and sober, is he the same? If not, staying with him is risky just on sobriety grounds. You have a lot of decisions to make.

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I will have to talk to him, just need to figure out what I'm going to say... AND hopefully turns out in our favour as he has always wanted a son

 

Hopefully, not just "a talk" but "the talk" .

 

My daughter's BF is a labor/delivery nurse, almost like a member of our family. She was over for dinner last night and I asked had this ever happened - a baby delivered with "surprise" ethnicity - during one of her shifts? She said it's happened twice, once resulting in police being called to deal with the disturbance. I'd guess it's more common than folks realize...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moxie Lady]

This child is the boyfriends. 99+%

 

IF your periods are 28 days OP then you are almost certainly ovulating on the 14th day of your cycle. I can see where a 1 or 2 day variation may happen, but not a week. By the time you had sex with the drug dealer conception had already occurred.

 

Even if conception had not occurred, the egg would have been long disintegrated by the time of sex with the drug dealer. Would not have resulted in pregnancy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The problem is ... What if she waits... Baby is born... And it is not the least bit Asian... Does she take that chance... And not tell him ahead of time?

 

It is not my call but it is something she has to consider. If she wants this relationship ... Does she confess and build a relationship in honesty ? Or does she keep it a secret ...and take the chance that her boyfriend will eventually find out that she sold herself for drugs? And got pregnant....

 

 

 

I dunno it's a helluva place to be in...

 

I think I would tell... And give him the chance to make up his mind whether he wants me and the baby.. Regardless if he is the daddy. I think it's only fair to tell him.

[Lady Hamilton]

Unfortunately the other man would NOT be a suitable parent what so ever. We had sex basically for the drugs and he also forced himself on me. But me at the time was just doing anything for my fix even though he wouldn't stop when I told him that I had enough. At the time I was high on prescription drugs that he had given me to basically feel "out of mind". He has done this to many other women too and has had women who reacted badly to the pills and have been hospitalized. He doesn't have a job except dealing and he still lives downstairs in his moms basement and he is nearly 30. He has been arrested before and is not someone I'd EVER wish to raise a child with.

 

As for my bf, he is clean. He drinks here and there when he goes out with friends and doesn't really dab into marijuana or anything. He has had a few puffs in the past but basically remains clean. He has 2 jobs and is planning to go back to school for a law degree. He is an ideal man that I would LOVE for my son to be raised by.

 

I'm on the straight and narrow now and realize that since i've been clean I have more connection with my family and friends instead of withdrawing and going quiet from everyone who cares about me.

 

These details change everything.

 

Sweetie, you didn't cheat... He drugged and raped you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I would tell... And give him the chance to make up his mind whether he wants me and the baby.. Regardless if he is the daddy. I think it's only fair to tell him.

 

And the bonus is, it's the right thing to do.

 

Moonsmission, do you think your BF has an inkling of what your life as an addict was like? If so, this revelation might not completely surprise him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Hey moon! Just checking in to see if anything so far has helped?

[wbm665]

IF you slept the the boyfriend and he came inside unprotected a couple of days prior to ovulation... vs. having sex with the drug dealer after ovulation and he pulled out well ahead of ejaculation, then it's likely to be the boyfriends.

 

Sperm can live 3-5 days awaiting the egg to drop, whereas the egg needs to be fertilized pretty quick or it will no longer be viable. This slants it toward the bf.

 

While pulling out is not generally considered a reliable means of birth control, it most certainly is effective if the guy pulls out before ejaculating. If the guy nears the threshold and tries to hold back ejaculation he could leak sperm prior to his orgasm. Waiting until the last moment to pull out is likely to get you a half dose, which is probably as effective as a whole dose if the timing is right. Since you said that he pulled out and then had to jerk awhile to cum, it tilts toward the bf.

 

But, this is nothing more than speculative odds making based on sketchy information. If you know the date of the start of your last period, 14 days (give or take a few) from that date was the probable date of ovulation. If sex with the drug dealer was a week or more after that, it's almost certainly the boyfriends.

 

If you just can't reconstruct the timeline, it's more likely the bf's because the other guy pulled out.

 

I'd guess 65:35 in favor of the bf based on the info given.

 

 

All of this. I may give the BF a bit higher odds, but you would have to know when you ovulated a little better.

 

 

Also, by best friend is Korean. Her husband is German. Their daughter is her father's clone. Not a Korean quality about her. Conversely, her sister and her English husband have a son who is got dominate Korean genes. Genetics are a funny thing.

[Els]

The odds don't matter, you need to come clean with your partner and tell him the truth. It's the least he deserves.

[Friskyone4u]

Congratulations on being physically clean. Keep it up!!!

 

Unfortunately, you are NOT mentally clean because you are planning to hopefully get away with not showing your partner any respect at all by selfishly keeping your infidelity from him.

 

One thing you can count on, baby aside. If you ever relapse and your then husband finds out the truth, you most likely will not find him as supportive as he is now. You will most likely find him getting rid of you pronto.

 

You say he recognizes your substance abuse was a "sickness"/ OK, then he just may be able to get over what you did.

 

but your are about to compound the problem by deciding to lie this lie forever, which believe it or not, may hurt your mental health living with this secret. Especially if he ever asks you if you have been unfaithful.

 

What you really need to do is confess and build your future on the truth.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Congratulations on being physically clean. Keep it up!!!

 

Unfortunately, you are NOT mentally clean because you are planning to hopefully get away with not showing your partner any respect at all by selfishly keeping your infidelity from him.

 

One thing you can count on, baby aside. If you ever relapse and your then husband finds out the truth, you most likely will not find him as supportive as he is now. You will most likely find him getting rid of you pronto.

 

You say he recognizes your substance abuse was a "sickness"/ OK, then he just may be able to get over what you did.

 

but your are about to compound the problem by deciding to lie this lie forever, which believe it or not, may hurt your mental health living with this secret. Especially if he ever asks you if you have been unfaithful.

 

What you really need to do is confess and build your future on the truth.

 

 

Moonmission, nothing could be more foolish and wrong than the above bit of advice.

 

Every indication there is points to your b/f being the father, and you should play that hand until anything can prove it wrong.

 

 

It is at least 98% probable that the b/f is the father, and even IF you went down the line, and he learned that he wasn't the father, you can still use your addiction as the reason for your having come to have somebody else's child.

 

The issue really isn't who is the biological contributor to the baby, the issue is your making your own boyfriend feel bad just to ease your own guilt - and that is akin to compounding one selfish move by making a further selfish move (that would be hurting your boyfriend needlessly, just to make yourself feel better).

[Els]

Moonmission, nothing could be more foolish and wrong than the above bit of advice.

 

Every indication there is points to your b/f being the father, and you should play that hand until anything can prove it wrong.

 

 

It is at least 98% probable that the b/f is the father, and even IF you went down the line, and he learned that he wasn't the father, you can still use your addiction as the reason for your having come to have somebody else's child.

 

The issue really isn't who is the biological contributor to the baby, the issue is your making your own boyfriend feel bad just to ease your own guilt - and that is akin to compounding one selfish move by making a further selfish move (that would be hurting your boyfriend needlessly, just to make yourself feel better).

 

So you think LYING TO HIM and keeping him in the dark about her cheating is the more 'unselfish' option???? That's the most twisted bit of logic I've ever seen here, and that's saying a lot.