Is he being abusive??

[ash3]

I've been with this man going on 6 months.

 

When we first started dating, it was wonderful.

 

I would say after a few months, I started to notice things.

 

Examples:

 

1. I showed up at his house because we were doing a shopping date that day. I come in jeans and a zip-up jacket. He was was wearing a button-up shirt and kakis. He immediately appears to be in a bad mood. He explains that he doesn't understand why I would wear my outfit. I can't remember the details, but I brushed it off. It's not like I showed up in sweatpants.

 

2. I had recently lost weight and was losing my hair. He took notice to it and said, "Well, I guess I just have to deal with it."

 

3. He has since nitpicked certain clothing choices. Normally, if I show up with something on that he doesn't like, he tells me later in the day. "That shirt made you look bigger." "I hated those shorts you wore, I want to burn them." Other times, he won't tell me why he doesn't like a shirt, he just says that he doesn't.

 

He's always been very concerned with his appearance, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm a tomboy at heart, and it's causing me some insecurity. I've now became overly concerned about my outfit choices when I go out with him.

 

He doesn't do this often, but when he does, it really hits hard.

 

He's always telling me how beautiful I am, and I never let people see it. "I don't know why you don't care about what you look like!"

 

I feel like I'm sort of trophy to him. Am I just overreacting?

[Toodaloo]

Nope.

 

But what you have is incompatibility.

 

If you let this go on the pair of you will be bickering and negging each other left right and centre and it will end in you hating each other...

 

Time to call it a day.

[hippychick3]

He sounds more like a jerk than an abuser.

 

In time, it will only get worse.

[Larryville]

If you are even asking the question (especially here) regardless of whether or not anyone commenting agrees that he is being “abusive” you have a problem. Go with your gut. Ladies there should never be a question whether your guys is being abusive or disrespectful.

You know the old saying “how do you recognize obscenity, you know it when you see it” same goes for how people treat you and ladies should never compromise when it comes to how a dude treats you especially if he is being a jackass.

[Grapesofwrath]

I wouldn't call this abusive, exactly, but it's mean and overly critical. He seems to want to control your appearance, probably because he somehow thinks that your appearance reflects on him.

 

Tell him how you feel about it and watch his reaction. Is he open to a dialogue about it? Or does he try to turn it around and blame you for your feelings? If it's the latter, than you've got a bigger issue and should consider moving on.

[Gaeta]

It's not abuse but is being inconsiderate and rude.

 

You are just starting to date and already he allows himself to criticize you this harshly so imagine when you're a couple of years down the road, imagine when you live together,have a home and kids together, you'll get this on daily basis.

 

Life is too short, you don't need your heart to be shredded in pieces, not even once in a while.

[Zahara]

Ugh, why would anyone choose to be in a relationship that chips at you? It's only been a few times in the span of six months but just wait when it gets more comfortable and familiar. In the long run this is going to tear at your sense of self. In time, you'll become submissive and constantly question yourself.

 

He's a jerk. He sounds unkind, mean and egotistical. Your partner is supposed to lift you up not tear you down.

[smackie9]

This guy doesn't appreciate anything, been there dumped that.

[elaine567]

Examples:

 

1. I showed up at his house because we were doing a shopping date that day. I come in jeans and a zip-up jacket. He was was wearing a button-up shirt and kakis. He immediately appears to be in a bad mood. He explains that he doesn't understand why I would wear my outfit. I can't remember the details, but I brushed it off. It's not like I showed up in sweatpants.

 

2. I had recently lost weight and was losing my hair. He took notice to it and said, "Well, I guess I just have to deal with it."

 

3. He has since nitpicked certain clothing choices. Normally, if I show up with something on that he doesn't like, he tells me later in the day. "That shirt made you look bigger." "I hated those shorts you wore, I want to burn them." Other times, he won't tell me why he doesn't like a shirt, he just says that he doesn't.

 

He's always been very concerned with his appearance, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm a tomboy at heart, and it's causing me some insecurity. I've now became overly concerned about my outfit choices when I go out with him.

 

Abuse is mainly about control.

I think you have identified a warning sign. By being in a bad mood over your choice of clothes, and criticising what you wear, he is making you change who you are, to fit in with what he wants and likes.

Now you cannot relax, you are worried that your choice of clothing will send him into a strop or he will make you feel small and inadequate.

He is taking away your personal choices, and that can be a sign of abuse.

[jen1447]

^ Agree w Elaine, it's not obvious, outright abuse but it's worrying in an abuser/controller kind of pointer way.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry your bf makes you feel insecure. You want to feel safe around someone you love and it seems you are questioning yourself when you're around him. Have you told him how his comments make you feel? Maybe if he is aware of his hurtful words he will change his behavior.

 

Whatever you decide to do, just remember you are worth of love AND respect. Your boyfriend should value you!

Best of luck!!

[leogirl876]

This guy sounds just like an ex-boyfriend of mine. Look up on Google, what's it's like dating a narcissist. They'll do this circle with you where they'll be loving, sweet and the person of your dreams, then seemingly outta nowhere will act completely different. A real Jekyll & Hyde personality. I dated someone like that for 2 years, almost came close to marrying them. I fell madly in love with their good side, and terrified of their bad side. I blamed myself for the longest time that I wasn't doing enough. Do yourself a favor and walk away! He won't change!!!!

[Redhead14]

I've been with this man going on 6 months.

 

When we first started dating, it was wonderful.

 

I would say after a few months, I started to notice things.

 

Examples:

 

1. I showed up at his house because we were doing a shopping date that day. I come in jeans and a zip-up jacket. He was was wearing a button-up shirt and kakis. He immediately appears to be in a bad mood. He explains that he doesn't understand why I would wear my outfit. I can't remember the details, but I brushed it off. It's not like I showed up in sweatpants.

 

2. I had recently lost weight and was losing my hair. He took notice to it and said, "Well, I guess I just have to deal with it."

 

3. He has since nitpicked certain clothing choices. Normally, if I show up with something on that he doesn't like, he tells me later in the day. "That shirt made you look bigger." "I hated those shorts you wore, I want to burn them." Other times, he won't tell me why he doesn't like a shirt, he just says that he doesn't.

 

He's always been very concerned with his appearance, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm a tomboy at heart, and it's causing me some insecurity. I've now became overly concerned about my outfit choices when I go out with him.

 

He doesn't do this often, but when he does, it really hits hard.

 

He's always telling me how beautiful I am, and I never let people see it. "I don't know why you don't care about what you look like!"

 

I feel like I'm sort of trophy to him. Am I just overreacting?

 

He is controlling at best and a narcissist at best. There are two attitudes that narcissists can possess in terms of the looks of their mate -- 1) They want them to be as attractive or more attractive as they are or 2) They don't want their partner to outshine them in any way.

 

And, this guy appears to be the 1st type. He does want a trophy and when you do get gussied up, he will shield you and be jealous of any attention you get.

 

He's always telling me how beautiful I am, and I never let people see it/B] -- this may seem innocent/complimentary but it is actually about gaslighting. When you do dress up, get attention, etc., he will tell you that you are seeking the attention of men. He'll make you think you're nuts . . .

 

There's no way to know for sure, but I've seen this before . . . just observe and pay attention.

[leogirl876]

He is controlling at best and a narcissist at best. There are two attitudes that narcissists can possess in terms of the looks of their mate -- 1) They want them to be as attractive or more attractive as they are or 2) They don't want their partner to outshine them in any way.

 

And, this guy appears to be the 1st type. He does want a trophy and when you do get gussied up, he will shield you and be jealous of any attention you get.

 

He's always telling me how beautiful I am, and I never let people see it/B] -- this may seem innocent/complimentary but it is actually about gaslighting. When you do dress up, get attention, etc., he will tell you that you are seeking the attention of men. He'll make you think you're nuts . . .

 

There's no way to know for sure, but I've seen this before . . . just observe and pay attention.

 

Yep, what I just said, a real narcissist. A Jekyll & Hyde personality all the way and so manipulative they somehow make you believe it's your fault and that you're not doing enough. How they do that, I just don't know because I'm not manipulative like that. They are the king of manipulation and emotional abuse. No amount of love will "fix" them.

[phineas]

Hahahahahahahanaaaaaaaaaaa!

 

Sounds like just about every gf I ever had in my 20's and 30's.

I had one gf threaton to burn one of my jackets because she hated it.

I've had a few buy me the clothes they wanted me to wear because they hated mine.

 

On a side note, it is far from normal to lose hair when dieting. Please reevaluate your macros op.

[Bialy]

This sounds like incompatibility.

 

It seems like what he really wants is someone who dresses to impress. This isn't you - and there's nothing wrong with that. There are lots of guys who prefer low maintainence, tomboy females.

 

What brought you two together, I'm curious.

[MzLady]

From what you've said.. appearances are important to him. He cares about how he looks and how others see him. It sounds like he wants you to do the same. The hair loss comment is right in line with that. He already thinks you're pretty, but he's wanting you to dress up more. Some people are like that. If you're already into "appearances" then it's not a big deal... you know those girls who don't leave the house without a full face of make up and dressed up like they're going someplace.. but they're just going grocery shopping? But you described yourself as a "Tomboy".. so I'm guessing that you wear jeans and t-shirts a lot? I don't know if this is a deal breaker or not.. but if it's worth it to you to dress up a little more, then try it. Otherwise, this will be a point of contention for the both of you at some point (and it sounds like it's already getting to that point). BTW... abuse is not nitpicking... at this point.. he sounds like he's concerned with appearances and is nit-picky about it. I wish you the best of luck!

[Robert]

The thread starter disappeared soon after their one post, so we'll close this up. If they return they can request we reopen the thread via the "Alert Us" button. ~6