Prim&proper Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Yikes, so after 1 month of dating, i brought up the exclusivity talk. I was told that a) he is not dating anyone else and b) though he enjoys our time together, he doesn't want to rush into anything. Is this relationship doomed? Do you guys generally know right away if you want something with a gal? Am i wasting my time here? What should i do now? Write him off so i don't get hurt or just see where it goes? It should be noted that we've seen each other about 5-6 times only in the past month and that we do have a physical relationship.
Cecelius Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 No, it's not doomed. He may have been telling the truth (and nothing wrong with that); he may understand that as much as he likes you, there is pressure that comes into play when there is exclusivity (presumptions rather than mere enjoyment); he MAY be worried that your rush to have this talk means that he will be getting badgered for further committments earlier than expected. Lastly, he may be crazy head over heels for you BUT he understands that the moment a man lets himself be too committed, he loses a great deal of his appeal. I'd not talk about it with him for a while and just throw your energy into having a great time.
Merin Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 IMO (and just how I am) I don't have sexual relationships with anyone BEFORE it has been discussed IF we are to be exclusive.. So with that said.. it seems this Guy is happy with the Sexual relationship between the 2 of you and is good to go with spending some time with you, but because it wasn't a deal breaker (so to speak) for him to be exclusive with you before starting the physical relationship, he probably feels it isn't necessary. While I won't say the relationship is doomed to fail, it does seem to me that he isn't wanting to make ANY commitments here at this time, he wants to be free to date around if he chooses.. and although he isn't saying he's seeing anyone else, he also isn't saying he won't.. see where I'm coming from? IF you're good to go with keeping the physical relationship with him, and the potential of him choosing to date and/or possibly sleep with other people, then I suppose staying in this "as is" would be fine.. but if you're not all about it and need/want to know the 2 of you are in the relationship EXCLUSIVELY then IMO I would let him know you're not okay with being a FWB kind of deal, nor are you good with the potential of having a sexual relationship with someone other than you. My 2 cent's
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Focusing too hard on the direction of your relationship this early on will be the thing that dooms it. I expect that your guy has picked up on the fact that you seem to be more interested in the relationship than you are in him and is backing away as a result. Back off from the 'relationship talk' for a while. You've only seen each other 5-6 times - for some people that is not enough face time to really get to know someone well enough to know if they want to be exclusive or not. Enjoy your dates. Get to know him. Express interest in getting to know him rather than 'discussing the relationship' and you'll find that your relationship will likely go a lot smoother.
CurvyGurl Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Prim&proper Yikes, so after 1 month of dating, i brought up the exclusivity talk. I was told that a) he is not dating anyone else and b) though he enjoys our time together, he doesn't want to rush into anything. Is this relationship doomed? Do you guys generally know right away if you want something with a gal? Am i wasting my time here? What should i do now? Write him off so i don't get hurt or just see where it goes? It should be noted that we've seen each other about 5-6 times only in the past month and that we do have a physical relationship. If it ain't broke, dn't fix it. But I don't get 'physical' or intimate with anyone until we are exclusive.
cadnoess Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 I don’t get physically involved without exclusivity. And for the record, I don’t think a month is rushing exclusivity. I expect it after 3 or 4 dates if I’m going to stick with him. Actually, I kind of expect it straight away really- if he’s my boyfriend, I expect him not to be seeing anyone else. I’d dump him. Unless the talk was pretty heavy, in which case he might just be scared you want more, he's not signing his life away by agreeing not to see anyone else for a while.
Author Prim&proper Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 So what do i do now? Our last conversation he states that he's not dating anyone and I told him that I'm not dating anyone, but that he doesn't want to rush into a relationship (which means that we are non-exclusive). I recently been asked out on a few dates. Do i have to tell him that I'm dating? Or should i not say anything at all? Since the exclusivity conversation, we've seen a lot of each other. I saw him 4 times this week, which is unusual because I usually only see him once a week.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 You don't have to tell him that you've been asked on dates, but it would be courteous to do so. Just let him know that you have been asked out, and would he be ok with you dating other people? At the very least his reaction will tell you what you need to know in terms of how he really feels about exclusivity.
shygurl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 I always have to laugh when I hear/read that a guy - after several dates - doesn't want to get too serious or consider it a relationship, yet he's had no qualms about being so intimate as to have sex with the gal. Mind you, I guess if a gal's givin', a guy's going to take? Like Merin and a few others, I too would never get sexually involved with a guy until it's been mutually established that we're exclusive - and frankly, I usually let the guy be the one to initiate that talk so that I don't feel he's agreeing to being exclusive because he's just trying to please me. I've dated some guys who wanted to have the exclusivity talk after 2 dates lol (which is a bit extreme). Sorry gals but if you're willing to put out after a few days, and before you determine if you're on the same page/have the mutual exclusivity talk, it sends a message to the guy that being exclusive isn't all that important to you - such that you're willing to share your body with him without even knowing whether he's going to share it with others also. To the original poster - I guess at this point just continue to date him and see where it goes. You may want to reconsider continuing to have sex with him - particularly because he's made it clear that he's not sure if he wants a relationship.......then again, to have given it to him and then to stop might make him think you're punishing him for telling you how he feels, and then he might think you use sex as a weapon.....
imaguestohboy Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Don't fret over it too much; I'm a guy, and I've found myself doing this exact same thing with girls before. I can't speak for all guys, but when I'm indecisive about going "exclusive" with a girl, it's usually because I'm worried that as soon as we become "exclusive", a bunch of gorgeous girls are going to appear out of nowhere and start giving me lap dances, and I will have to reject them and run away, all because I agreed to go "exclusive" with someone else. Honestly, that's it. I (and other guys, I would assume) are afraid of "missing out" on all the other girls in the world after becoming exclusive with just one. And understandably so, as in my personal experience (and in the experience of my guy-friends, according to them), girls in general seem much more attracted to a taken guy. Whether this is because girls are naturally competitive, because they realize you must have something to offer a relationship if you're already in one, because God loves playing jokes on committed guys, or simply because many girls want what they can't have, ask any guy, and he will agree that girls in general are more interested in him when he is not available. (Of course, this does not go for ALL girls. It goes without saying that many are turned off because they realize they can't have you and they shouldn't bother trying, and many others will express the same interest in you whether you're in a relationship or not.) Maybe it's just us guys imagining things. Maybe we have always been afraid of "missing out" and we're just extra-quick to fulfill our own premonitions, so we are better at noticing girls expressing interest than when we're single. I suppose the short way of saying it is essentially what he told you, he's "not ready". He's not ready to choose you over every other girl in the world. He's not ready to say no to the gorgeous girls who will give him lapdances as soon as he commits to you exclusively. Don't take this as an insult; understand what he's going through. Understand how an exclusive commitment closes so many doors that are, in his mind, wide open right now. Understand that he's afraid of losing such control over his life, afraid of losing the opportunity to pick a different door, even if and even though he would never pick such a door. Guys like being in control, and the real choice here is picking you over having that control of his life. Give him time. If he really likes you, he'll come around eventually.
Author Prim&proper Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl I always have to laugh when I hear/read that a guy - after several dates - doesn't want to get too serious or consider it a relationship, yet he's had no qualms about being so intimate as to have sex with the gal. Mind you, I guess if a gal's givin', a guy's going to take? Like Merin and a few others, I too would never get sexually involved with a guy until it's been mutually established that we're exclusive - and frankly, I usually let the guy be the one to initiate that talk so that I don't feel he's agreeing to being exclusive because he's just trying to please me. I've dated some guys who wanted to have the exclusivity talk after 2 dates lol (which is a bit extreme). Sorry gals but if you're willing to put out after a few days, and before you determine if you're on the same page/have the mutual exclusivity talk, it sends a message to the guy that being exclusive isn't all that important to you - such that you're willing to share your body with him without even knowing whether he's going to share it with others also. To the original poster - I guess at this point just continue to date him and see where it goes. You may want to reconsider continuing to have sex with him - particularly because he's made it clear that he's not sure if he wants a relationship.......then again, to have given it to him and then to stop might make him think you're punishing him for telling you how he feels, and then he might think you use sex as a weapon..... Hi Shygurl, I really have no qualms about dating him at the moment or continuing to have sex with him. It's of mutual benefit for both of us to continue to do so. We've talked about not sleeping with anyone else, so that's no worry for me. What I am concerned about is whether I should tell him that i've been asked out on dates and that i intend to go, though i've told him before that i was not dating anyone else?
Author Prim&proper Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by imaguestohboy Don't fret over it too much; I'm a guy, and I've found myself doing this exact same thing with girls before. I suppose the short way of saying it is essentially what he told you, he's "not ready". He's not ready to choose you over every other girl in the world. He's not ready to say no to the gorgeous girls who will give him lapdances as soon as he commits to you exclusively. Don't take this as an insult; understand what he's going through. Understand how an exclusive commitment closes so many doors that are, in his mind, wide open right now. Understand that he's afraid of losing such control over his life, afraid of losing the opportunity to pick a different door, even if and even though he would never pick such a door. Guys like being in control, and the real choice here is picking you over having that control of his life. Give him time. If he really likes you, he'll come around eventually. Okay. So how much time do i give him? And this cuts both ways so i can continue to date other people? But do i have to tell him that i'm dating when i told him before during the talk that I'm not seeing anyone else?
scratch Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by Prim&proper Hi Shygurl, I really have no qualms about dating him at the moment or continuing to have sex with him. It's of mutual benefit for both of us to continue to do so. We've talked about not sleeping with anyone else, so that's no worry for me. What I am concerned about is whether I should tell him that i've been asked out on dates and that i intend to go, though i've told him before that i was not dating anyone else? So you have a monogamous, but not exclusive relationship? If he is spending time with other girls, but is committed to avoiding intimacy with them, I don't know if that could be considered non-exclusive. As to your concern, talk to ask him about what ground rules you should set. Should you tell each other everything or nothing? Something in between? What usually works for me is a "don't ask, don't tell" policy where if either person asks a direct question, they get a direct answer. Otherwise, we're discrete. As an aside, I'm glad you raised the point that sex is mutually beneficial. I'd hate to think that the only reason someone became exclusive with me was because they had to do it to get laid.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 I'm curious to know what other's opinions are on when it is appropriate to have the exclusivity talk before becoming intimate? How many dates...how much time has passed....and who should bring it up?
Cecelius Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Sounds like a catch 22 -- I would never consider exclusivity until after physical intimacy.
Author Prim&proper Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia You don't have to tell him that you've been asked on dates, but it would be courteous to do so. Just let him know that you have been asked out, and would he be ok with you dating other people? At the very least his reaction will tell you what you need to know in terms of how he really feels about exclusivity. So I took your advice and talked to him. I said from what he said i interpreted it to mean that we are exclusive sexually but not exclusive in terms of dating other people. He was quiet for a long moment and then he said that he agreed with that. He says he's ok with me dating other people but he doesn't want to hear about it. He said he doesn't want to make it exclusive now because we are both going on vacation so we won't see each other for over a month and a half, and that we should revisit the issue once we get back from vacation. I think it's reasonable, but am a bit insecure. Do you think he's just not into me other than for the sex or do you think he's really trying to take it slow? He was cheated on by his previous girlfriend when he was away on business a lot and when he moved to this city (they had a long distance relationship for a while). Should I just give up and move on because nothing will come from this?
l2hvn Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by Prim&proper Should I just give up and move on because nothing will come from this? yes. sorry to burst the bubble. but if he really wanted to take you seriously, he would've said so.
Cecelius Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 I think you need to focus on the fact that you have been dating for 4 weeks or so (or not materially longer) and that you may be analyzing this to an early grave. It's too SOON to be secure in the relationship- you don't really have one yet. Let it sit, and try to do no more harm.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by Prim&proper Do you think he's just not into me other than for the sex Yup. Sorry, but this is classic "He's Just Not That Into You".
imaguestohboy Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by Prim&proper Okay. So how much time do i give him? And this cuts both ways so i can continue to date other people? But do i have to tell him that i'm dating when i told him before during the talk that I'm not seeing anyone else? Give him as much time as he needs; you could even forget about him for awhile. And yes, of course you can date others too. I would tell him that you're dating if it comes up, or else he might say "I thought you said you weren't dating anyone!" if he later finds out... though I know it can be hard to find a good time/way to tell him. Just blurting out "In case you're wondering, I'm dating other people" kinda kills the conversation, unless he gets interested and asks who you're dating or something along those lines.
Cecelius Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Yup. Sorry, but this is classic "He's Just Not That Into You". No, this is a classic case of one person pushing a relationship faster than the majority of people in the world think they should go. It is a classic case of overkill, overanalyzing and too much too soon. I can't speak for this guy, but my timeline goes like this: 1-4 weeks - getting to know you. Conclusive presumption that there is no relationship. 1-2 months before it's "dating" 3-4 months before exclusive Minimum 6 months before "I love you" (and if not by then, break up or be clear about what is happening) 1 year before any promises of committment 2 good years before contemplate marriage For most men, she's still at the getting to know you phase.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius No, this is a classic case of one person pushing a relationship faster than the majority of people in the world think they should go. It is a classic case of overkill, overanalyzing and too much too soon. I can't speak for this guy, but my timeline goes like this: 1-4 weeks - getting to know you. Conclusive presumption that there is no relationship. 1-2 months before it's "dating" 3-4 months before exclusive Minimum 6 months before "I love you" (and if not by then, break up or be clear about what is happening) 1 year before any promises of committment 2 good years before contemplate marriage For most men, she's still at the getting to know you phase. And guess what.... All that BS goes out the window if a guy is really into you, because there's no way a guy is going to be okay with "sharing" a woman he is really interested in.
Cecelius Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken And guess what.... All that BS goes out the window if a guy is really into you, because there's no way a guy is going to be okay with "sharing" a woman he is really interested in. Perhaps, but I'm saying he hasn't had time to be "really interested." Not after 4 weeks (30 days). Only 4th graders get that close that fast. I'm saying she has significant risk of running the relationship (such as it is) into the ground by revisiting these issues.
norcaldivr Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken And guess what.... All that BS goes out the window if a guy is really into you, because there's no way a guy is going to be okay with "sharing" a woman he is really interested in. That's sooo true. It's amazing how many "musts" fall by the wayside when someone is really interested in someone else. This is why I pretty much ignore whatever a woman says and instead focus on her actions when trying to guage her interest level and whether I should continue to deote time and energy to a potential relationship. I have been in several relationships and witnessed countless others where what traits the woman said were absolute must-haves and what the man actually was were two entirely different things. Donno how this looks from a womans prospective but this is what I have observed. I'm just callin' it like I'm seein' it.
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