rollandDK Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 So there is a coworker I like and would like to ask you guys for you opinion. We work together for almost a year, we see each other every day. She is smart, beautiful, friendly, outgoing. I am kind of shy but much less than I used to be a year ago and I am working on my self-esteem. At work, we greet each other, sometimes discuss work issues, but I try not to talk to her so often as I do not want to look needy. Few times I gave her honest compliments and they made her look happy. When talking to her I saw some signals that were unusual for me - the tone of her voice, touching herself on her neck, flared nostrils etc. I do not know if they are some indicators of interest. Few weeks ago something changed when we met on some cultural event. At first I didn't see her but she came for me, took me out of the center and we talked and spent some time together with other people we know. I enjoyed her presence and I think she too. So lately I took courage and asked her if she has rollerskates and offered we could go out together. She blushed, smiled unusually and looked on the desk instead of me. But she agreed to go sometime. As I do not have much experience with women and dating I am confused and do not know what to think about her reaction. I know it went great I have great feelings but there are some doubts. So I would like to ask you what do you think about this situation. Also I would be interested in you opinion how should I behave in her presence in order not to look needy and do not give her too much attention to scare her. Thank you guys.
SoulCat Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Dating someone you work with is generally a really, really bad idea. As the saying goes, 'don't sh*t where you eat.' 1
SevenCity Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 You sound young, how old are you? Let me get my warnings out of the way first.... It appears that you really like this girl (good and bad). The problem is you work together. This is never a great situation as: - If it works out now you see her ALL the time and have no "safe" space of your own. You have to be "on" all the time. Anything you do is subject to review and potential explanation. -If it doesn't work out... you see her ALL the time! I dated several girls from work, one I married (didn't work out), another moved in with and I'm going through a break up now (complicated - luckily I don't work there anymore), and one was the worst break up I had to get through (interestingly, it was the shortest relationship by far (only a year)). She said all the right things just when I needed to hear them and then *poof* it was gone. Then I was stuck seeing her all the time at work - that sucked with extreme prejudice and something I will not repeat. Now that's out of the way, a lot of people meet their partners at work. I'm a romantic so I hope it works out and I'm on your side. Her blushing and looking away are all signs that she likes you and is nervous (a GREAT thing). What you have to worry about is when they are matter of fact like it's no big deal. When a guy who a girl likes asks her out it is a HUGE DEAL. And bravo to you for mustering up the balls to ask her out - it's not easy. When is the date? As far as treating her, you have to be yourself. Be cool - girls like Alpha males so you have to be one (or pretend you are anyway). They don't like needy desperate guys. Treat her like you would anyone else but with a flair that makes her feel special. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her and listen to what she says (then repeat back parts at a later time...like her favorite color, book, TV show). Build a bank of info about her that you can use at a later time to show that you like her as a person and listen when she talks (Hey, I just watched xxxx - isn't that your favorite show? Or buy her something pink for her birthday because it's her favorite color). She said yes to a date and that is the hardest part. Now you have to not F it up . 1
Author rollandDK Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 Thank you for your opinions and apologize my late response. FYI - I am 24, she is 26. The "date" was a week ago and I would say it went great. We spent almost 2 hours together speaking about our lives, families, work issues and interests. Because I picked her up and took us by my car she offered to pay the bill for drinks. She talked a lot about her family and future which seemed strange to me but these are things you do not tell on daily basis to person you barely know. I cannot tell if it is a good sign but my feelings are that she gave me a lot of opportunities to meet next time - she said she likes going to the cinema, offered to walk her dog together, that we could try another activity if I want, etc. Also talked about her ex in meaning that she did something with "my now former boyfriend" that I interpret as she let me know she is now single. Until this it sounds pretty good. But I am quite confused because she still lives with her ex. I do not know the reason but likely it is because she does not have another place to live.
SevenCity Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Thank you for your opinions and apologize my late response. FYI - I am 24, she is 26. The "date" was a week ago and I would say it went great. We spent almost 2 hours together speaking about our lives, families, work issues and interests. Because I picked her up and took us by my car she offered to pay the bill for drinks. She talked a lot about her family and future which seemed strange to me but these are things you do not tell on daily basis to person you barely know. I cannot tell if it is a good sign but my feelings are that she gave me a lot of opportunities to meet next time - she said she likes going to the cinema, offered to walk her dog together, that we could try another activity if I want, etc. Also talked about her ex in meaning that she did something with "my now former boyfriend" that I interpret as she let me know she is now single. Until this it sounds pretty good. But I am quite confused because she still lives with her ex. I do not know the reason but likely it is because she does not have another place to live. She is showing all the signs of a girl with high interest. Living with the ex will get in the way though. I say you move forward and bring up the living situation before you fall too hard.
preraph Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 If she didn't want to live with her ex, she'd have found a way not to. Just know that going in. I mean, she is employed and presumably has friends and parents too. My next question would be "Why are you living with your ex?" And unless it's something really pat like "Because we have a lease that will run out in September," she's still involved. 1
mortensorchid Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I had a thing for a coworker a few years ago. I texted him "Want to hang out?" He texted me "I am not interested in you romantically." I texted back "Well love makes you fat, doesn't it?" Erased his number / thread, no contact since. Don't do it, guy. I'm not saying she will shoot you down so harshly as noted above, but you have to have a certain amount of dignity as well.
Bialy Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 The only time I think it would be OK to consider dating a coworker is if you work at a LARGE institution. I work at a place with just over 3,000 people. I can literally go weeks without ever seeing some people here. If you work at a small place, DON'T do it. Seriously. The chance of getting rejected and creating an awkward environment is too high. Unless you plan on leaving there soon, it's really not worth it.
bu2002 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 It's clear there's mutual interest. I think you're on the right track by finding out activities both of you can enjoy. Girls like guys who have a plan, so be ready with suggesting a plan. As you get to know her more, you'll have a better idea of what would interest both of you. As you date her, I would curb communication during the day. Keep the intrigue alive and make sure the focus of your work day is still first and foremost your actual work.
winny Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I had a thing for a coworker a few years ago. I texted him "Want to hang out?" He texted me "I am not interested in you romantically." I texted back "Well love makes you fat, doesn't it?" Erased his number / thread, no contact since. Don't do it, guy. I'm not saying she will shoot you down so harshly as noted above, but you have to have a certain amount of dignity as well. Wow something very similar happened to me. I didnt even like him much and my girlfriend pushed me so much to ask him out so I asked him fir coffee N he reaponded after 3-4 hrs that he doesnt want to get involved. It was so awkward in office after that but at least he was honest..
Author rollandDK Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 This week we went for a walk and discussed the boyfriend thing. She lives with him because she do not have place to go but is going to move away soon. If I understood right they broke up because of his lack of action and laziness. Now my worries are that she could use me just as a compensation. On one side I do not want to come between them until they solve that situation but then there is a possibility she put me in her friend zone. It makes me quite uncomfortable but I am not sure what is ethically correct. If I imagine myself in his position it would be uncomfortable for me if she dated (or I do not actually know if we are dating) someone else behind my back.
winny Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 My dear friend rolland... Listen to me plz... Plz plz plz stay out of this. The chances of getting hurt are too high. You can try when she is not living with him anymore. Do not trust what she is telling you. Please are very deceitful these days.
preraph Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 This week we went for a walk and discussed the boyfriend thing. She lives with him because she do not have place to go but is going to move away soon. If I understood right they broke up because of his lack of action and laziness. Now my worries are that she could use me just as a compensation. On one side I do not want to come between them until they solve that situation but then there is a possibility she put me in her friend zone. It makes me quite uncomfortable but I am not sure what is ethically correct. If I imagine myself in his position it would be uncomfortable for me if she dated (or I do not actually know if we are dating) someone else behind my back. Your worries are well founded. As I said, if she didn't WANT to be living with her bf, she would have found a way out. She's not helpless. She probably hopes he'll change. And yes, she would do the same thing to you if she'd go out with you while living with him.
Author rollandDK Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 I asked her about him and she told me that she gave him second chance and actually are still together and I get the answer about them for sure. The reason they broke up for the first time was that he didn't see future with her. I still like her but not sure if I should pursue her in this situation. I think the best move I can do is to give her a space and possibly let her to contact me first next time.
Lansing Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 What is there to pursue? She is seeing someone else. Even if she breaks up with him I wouldn't date her for a few months after. I got involved with a girl quickly after she broke up with her BF and I quickly regretted it after as she didn't have time to heal/move on from that relationship and it showed quickly after.
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