The Next Big Thing Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Where is this boundary between actually pursuing a girl you like and want her , like a true man, vs. being needy and clingy? When I was younger I was kinda needy around girls I liked but I changed a lot since. But I feel sometimes its another kind of extreme because sometimes I hold back on expressing my affection towards a girl too much just not to look needy. And it has cost me several potential relationships. So I would apprecciate your advice. 1st case scenario (You dont meet the girl often) This is not that hard, in my opinion. Basically, when you meet a woman on the street or somewhere randomly, get to know her, exchange contacts...you basically just communicate through text or phone call to arrange meetings and thats the only time you see each other , so there is not even an opportunity to be clingy (if you dont overdo it with texting). 2nd case scenario (you meet the girl often) I have some problems with this. When I get to know a girl I like and she likes me too, we have mutual connection, there is chemistry. I love the fact that I meet her often because I want to be with this girl as much as possible but at the same time I realise she needs to be with her friends also and I cannot be glued to her all the time. If I meet her like 4 times a day for example among huge group of people (university for example) should I approach her every single time? Or should I be with her every single opportunity I have? Like sit next to her at classes etc? Just for the record, this is exactly what I dont do but after some time it accumulates and I find myself kind of avoiding getting into contacts with her because Im afraid it would be "too much" and she would be annoyed by me. On the other hand, I experienced another guy walking up to a girl I liked every single time he had the opportunity to and he ended up talking with her for at least 1 hour each time. That really drove me mad. I know how to meet girls, the beginning is always perfect, also the first few times we see each other but then as we see each other often it gets kind of weird since Im trying to keep that distance not to look needy. I want to learn how to express my feelings and pursue a girl, like in the perfect scenarios in movies, when a man pursues a woman and is not ashamed of it and she likes it. Even if there is another man, the first man is trying even harder then, and still doesnt look needy.
phineas Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) #1 - ask her out once a month or every other month. Be a pain in her ass and just smile and walk away when she turns you down. You may eventually wear her down. I've seen it happen where the woman for some reason changes her mind and has no idea why. #2 show up with another woman who is attractive. Engage other women also. Show her other women find value in you. But in all honesty you should be dating other women and forget the one who isn't into you. Letting a woman see your life isn't affected by her not wanting you is a powerful tool. I have been in the same situation. Have a female acquaintance who likes me and is attracted to me but afraid she isn't good enough for me even though she is HOT and has tons of guys chasing her. She will push me away, date guys below her then come onto me when drunk. Aint got time for that. If a woman genuinely likes you but won't get with you then she has some deep seated issues you are better off avoiding. Edited July 9, 2016 by phineas 1
salparadise Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) This is a good question, and not an easy one to answer. Human interactions are extremely nuanced and mostly non-verbal. Some individuals are highly attuned to the cues and expectations of others, give cue that make others feel good, and people seem to be drawn to them wherever they go. It's largely intuitive, but even when it's more intentional they seem to get it right. Learning more about social cues and becoming more attuned may help. Beyond that, there is a certain dynamic best described in the old showbiz adage, "always leave them wanting more." In terms of dating, this is described at length by the old dating coach guy named Doc Love (I don't subscribe, but he may be on point about interest). He talks about strategies for keeping a woman's interest high. His theory is that if you let it drop below fifty percent you've lost her and you probably can't save it at that point. Then he goes on to talk about all the ways you build interest and keep it high. A few things... don't be needy, as opposed to trying not to act needydon't be available on demand all the timedon't be overly effusive with complimentsbe attentive, but don't jump through hoopsbe the one to terminate interactions, slightly before they have run their coursegive her what she wants, but not as much as she wantsbe decisive, confident and in controlplan dates and make them good, but minimize texting and phone timebe sensitive to her level of interest and attachment, and don't get ahead of herkeep her guessing, surprise her, be somewhat unpredictable give her enough alone time to realize that she wants more Edited July 9, 2016 by salparadise 1
preraph Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Look, I can tell you're really having to fight the urge to totally glom onto someone and possess them. I admire that you are at least lucid about the issue, but since it's been a lifelong issue, I think you would probably need some counseling to get to the bottom of it and dig it out of there so you can ever have a normal non-anxious non-needy relationship. Good luck.
Author The Next Big Thing Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 This is a good question, and not an easy one to answer. Human interactions are extremely nuanced and mostly non-verbal. Some individuals are highly attuned to the cues and expectations of others, give cue that make others feel good, and people seem to be drawn to them wherever they go. It's largely intuitive, but even when it's more intentional they seem to get it right. Learning more about social cues and becoming more attuned may help. Beyond that, there is a certain dynamic best described in the old showbiz adage, "always leave them wanting more." In terms of dating, this is described at length by the old dating coach guy named Doc Love (I don't subscribe, but he may be on point about interest). He talks about strategies for keeping a woman's interest high. His theory is that if you let it drop below fifty percent you've lost her and you probably can't save it at that point. Then he goes on to talk about all the ways you build interest and keep it high. A few things... don't be needy, as opposed to trying not to act needydon't be available on demand all the timedon't be overly effusive with complimentsbe attentive, but don't jump through hoopsbe the one to terminate interactions, slightly before they have run their coursegive her what she wants, but not as much as she wantsbe decisive, confident and in controlplan dates and make them good, but minimize texting and phone timebe sensitive to her level of interest and attachment, and don't get ahead of herkeep her guessing, surprise her, be somewhat unpredictable give her enough alone time to realize that she wants more Thank you, that sounds interesting.
smackie9 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Simple rule of thumb is, do the opposite of what you would normally do. If you don't get the reaction/action you were hoping don't push for it, pull back, be cool and aloof. If they reach out to you, reward them with attention. Keep responses simple, stop being so serious. The more relaxed and casual you are the better. 1
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 The trick is to be natural and stop overthinking about how needy or not you are coming across. As you found out when you pulled back on that girl another guy took advantage. Great to think you are so "chilled" and not clingy, but not so good if you then lose the girl to some other more attentive man. Some girls need a lot of attention, otherwise they will pull back all together and some hate being smothered, you need to be able to suss out each individual girl's preferences and act accordingly. Everyone has their own way of interacting with people, if you start trying to be who you aren't and start playing "cool" games, then that tends to turn women off, as you are not being genuine and most can spot that a mile off.
JuanDelToro Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Desperation is the only reason behind male neediness/clinginess. So date as many women as you possibly can (at the same time) and create a circle that surrounds you. Once you step out of the scarcity mindset and welcome abundance, all your problems and worries with women will disappear. It is that simple. The one ( if there's such thing) will come naturally out of the blue when least expected. Don't force things and go out with an agenda of finding her.
Author The Next Big Thing Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 (edited) Simple rule of thumb is, do the opposite of what you would normally do. If you don't get the reaction/action you were hoping don't push for it, pull back, be cool and aloof. If they reach out to you, reward them with attention. Keep responses simple, stop being so serious. The more relaxed and casual you are the better. Thats exactly what I did - when I saw her among a group of people at a party or somewhere, I wasnt going straight away to her (like I wanted to). I kind of ignored her or better said, waited for a "moment" when it will look casual, like we accidentaly just met, so that it doesnt look like I came just and only to her like a needy guy. But meanwhile I was waiting for that, another guy came to her and spent good amount of time talking with her. And that happened couple of times, he always came before me. Maybe if I wouldnt think that time about being needy, things could be different. Would it really look needy if I would have came to her when I saw her? I believe our connection was mutual and we flirted quite a bit. When we talked we had great time. But I always missed these opportunities when I could go up to her and talk with her, I always just let her have "her space" and let her see I have my friends. But deep inside I feel like I should have been more active and talk to her more...I didnt just because I thought it would make me look "too much" interested, more than neccessary (more than her) and it would make me look needy... ...but well, meanwhile I was thinking that, that guy always came to her and they talked. Edited July 10, 2016 by The Next Big Thing
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Thats exactly what I did - when I saw her among a group of people at a party or somewhere, I wasnt going straight away to her (like I wanted to). I kind of ignored her or better said, waited for a "moment" when it will look casual, like we accidentaly just met, so that it doesnt look like I came just and only to her like a needy guy. But meanwhile I was waiting for that, another guy came to her and spent good amount of time talking with her. And that happened couple of times, he always came before me. Maybe if I wouldnt think that time about being needy, things could be different. Would it really look needy if I would have came to her when I saw her? I believe our connection was mutual and we flirted quite a bit. When we talked we had great time. But I always missed these opportunities when I could go up to her and talk with her, I always just let her have "her space" and let her see I have my friends. But deep inside I feel like I should have been more active and talk to her more...I didnt just because I thought it would make me look "too much" interested, more than neccessary (more than her) and it would make me look needy... ...but well, meanwhile I was thinking that, that guy always came to her and they talked. What you're describing here isn't being "needy". Needy is being demanding of her time and not being aware that she has interests other than you. This other guy who went up to her? He showed interest and enthusiasm. He was being appropriately social. He nailed it. You're massively overthinking this and shooting yourself in the foot. If you want to talk with someone at a party, then go and talk with them. As far as giving her space, it's as simple as reading how the communication is going. If she's enthusiastic talking with you, then keep talking and enjoying each other's company. If conversation is halting, tell her that you've got to catch up with some mates and will talk again later. For what it's worth, she'd likely come away from that party thinking that you either weren't into her or can't be arsed making an effort. This business about pretending to ignore her for a bit? What were you thinking!!? If you were *genuinely* talking to others, then wave hello and tell her you'll come and talk soon.
Author The Next Big Thing Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 What you're describing here isn't being "needy". Needy is being demanding of her time and not being aware that she has interests other than you. This other guy who went up to her? He showed interest and enthusiasm. He was being appropriately social. He nailed it. You're massively overthinking this and shooting yourself in the foot. If you want to talk with someone at a party, then go and talk with them. As far as giving her space, it's as simple as reading how the communication is going. If she's enthusiastic talking with you, then keep talking and enjoying each other's company. If conversation is halting, tell her that you've got to catch up with some mates and will talk again later. For what it's worth, she'd likely come away from that party thinking that you either weren't into her or can't be arsed making an effort. This business about pretending to ignore her for a bit? What were you thinking!!? If you were *genuinely* talking to others, then wave hello and tell her you'll come and talk soon. You are absolutely right. I messed it up by overthinking too much. You know, Im very social and I was like this when I got to know her, we had great time and talked a lot. But after a while when I realised I really like her, I felt like I should back off a bit to not be all over her. But I guess that was wrong. As someone told me - when the girl likes you, she loves being pursued. I just wasnt too sure about the boundary, what is "too much contact". But what can I do now, just learn from my mistakes. I think you are right. I should have just stayed the way I was when we met, like being social and funny, talking with her when I felt like it, not analyzing every step I make. 1
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 You are absolutely right. I messed it up by overthinking too much. You know, Im very social and I was like this when I got to know her, we had great time and talked a lot. But after a while when I realised I really like her, I felt like I should back off a bit to not be all over her. But I guess that was wrong. As someone told me - when the girl likes you, she loves being pursued. I just wasnt too sure about the boundary, what is "too much contact". But what can I do now, just learn from my mistakes. I think you are right. I should have just stayed the way I was when we met, like being social and funny, talking with her when I felt like it, not analyzing every step I make. Being too much for a partner is a fairly individual thing. For me, it would be sending many texts all day (too much contact) and then thinking that I should drop what I'm doing and respond (needy). It would be getting upset about not seeing me when I spend a weeknight doing a personal interest. But early on, I really like him to show enthusiasm. 1
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I should have just stayed the way I was when we met, like being social and funny, talking with her when I felt like it, not analyzing every step I make. You have to be true to yourself and find a girl who likes YOU for who YOU are. YOU cannot spend your life continually trying to be someone you are not. If a girl is turned off by the sociable and funny you, then she is NOT the girl for you, is she? 3
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Look, I can tell you're really having to fight the urge to totally glom onto someone and possess them. I admire that you are at least lucid about the issue, but since it's been a lifelong issue, I think you would probably need some counseling to get to the bottom of it and dig it out of there so you can ever have a normal non-anxious non-needy relationship. Good luck. Just curious, what makes you think the OP needs counseling on this?
Author The Next Big Thing Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Being too much for a partner is a fairly individual thing. For me, it would be sending many texts all day (too much contact) and then thinking that I should drop what I'm doing and respond (needy). It would be getting upset about not seeing me when I spend a weeknight doing a personal interest. But early on, I really like him to show enthusiasm. Well, in this case, we didnt text at all. All our interaction was in person. And the majority of the cases when I hesitated because of that feeling of being needy was when I could have sit next to her. Usually it was like this - we saw each other, talked, and walked together (either to a class or a party ... among all other people). Then when we arrived I always kind of went my way , separating myself from her and going to my friends, letting her go to her friends. If I should act like I wanted , I would stick around her all the time but I separated always not to look needy...I dont know if I was doing right. Then when we were separated our communication kind of stopped, and from that moment I always waited for the right moment to talk to her because either she was talking with her friends or the guy I mentioned came. Should have I stayed with her for the whole time? Or should have I come to her sporadicaly? This is the part of our interaction that I messed up and where the guy took advantage, in my opinion.
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Well, in this case, we didnt text at all. All our interaction was in person. And the majority of the cases when I hesitated because of that feeling of being needy was when I could have sit next to her. Usually it was like this - we saw each other, talked, and walked together (either to a class or a party ... among all other people). Then when we arrived I always kind of went my way , separating myself from her and going to my friends, letting her go to her friends. If I should act like I wanted , I would stick around her all the time but I separated always not to look needy...I dont know if I was doing right. Then when we were separated our communication kind of stopped, and from that moment I always waited for the right moment to talk to her because either she was talking with her friends or the guy I mentioned came. Should have I stayed with her for the whole time? Or should have I come to her sporadicaly? This is the part of our interaction that I messed up and where the guy took advantage, in my opinion. The texting example was when you're actually IN a relationship. What I see is that you're massively overthinking this. If the two of you seem to be enjoying each others company, then keep talking with her. If you're running out of things to say, then go sit with your mates. If she's talking with other people, there's no reason you can't go and join the group. You don't have to limit yourself to 1:1 time. Treat it just as you would any other social situation. Seriously, just be natural. All this overthinking and twisting yourself in knots is going to very much undermine you success. 1
Hopeful30 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Honestly? Just be yourself. Express how you're interested and would love to take her out. Always leave suggestions open-ended so she doesn't feel pressured to answer right away, and if after a while she decides to try things out, she will respond to you differently and you can take it from there. First you need to establish that you're interested (by establish I mean establish this fact for her), and once she gets used to that you just might have a way in. 2
Author The Next Big Thing Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Thank you very much for all your advice, really, you helped me. Im gonna stop overthinking these things and just act the way I feel naturally. 3
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Ya here is where it can feel like damned if you do and damned if you don't
biker23 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Thank you very much for all your advice, really, you helped me. Im gonna stop overthinking these things and just act the way I feel naturally. This is also my thought. If you like to text a lot as I do. A girl that doesn't won't like it and you won't like that she doesn't. It's another compatibility thing. Same with any communication. My recent relationship she preferred talking vs texting. I liked it also. It was contact. Many times a day. Nothing wrong with limited contact as long as both are on the same wavelength. I will say a new relationship where you often see her at gatherings without a true commitment yet is challenging.
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