Scoobydooby Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Answer honestly. Ok so my boyfriend and i have been together for five years and i stay with him at his house often where he lives with his parents. His mom is ALWAYS blaming me for random stuff. If something goes missing, breaks, if there's noise late at night or alcoholic drinks in the house and i happen to be there I'm automatically to blame. She even blames me for my boyfriend being upset even if it has nothing to do with me! Today while we were talking to her she quickly changed the subject by saying "so why is it TODAY that you started getting agitated?"And how he wasn't like this yesterday before i arrived. I knew exactly what she was getting at. She was about to put the blame for him being agitated on me (he was agitated with her because she wouldn't let him use the car for something he needed). It happened many times before. I pretended to be oblivious to it like i ALWAYS do. I feel like it makes me seem more innocent. After that question my boyfriend immediately guides me out of the room before she has a chance to say more. He actually saved me from her. But i acted clueless and was like "ohhh why did we leave so suddenly while she was still talking?" And he said she was about to blame me for his attitude earlier. I acted surprised and was like "what really????" :( So yes my boyfriends mom is always subtley blaming and targeting me and i play dumb about it. I don't over do it. I just act like i never notice and act sweet to her and like i think she's nice. Whenever she approaches me and starting hinting how this or that only happens when I'm here etc i just respond in a way that sounds like i don't know what she's insinuating. I talk like we're having a normal friendly conversation. Also when she lies to me i pretend to believe her like "ohh okie!" . I do feel like this makes me seem more sweet, innocent and vulnerable to my boyfriend and causes him to feel more inclined to protect me. He does always end up swooping in to lead me out of whatever room she's in. I have overheard him talking to her about it and that he would like her to stop. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Im mean this method doesn't fuel drama like it probably would if i said something and reacted. I think at that point i would no longer be the victim but part of the problem. Eh thoughts?
Lorenza Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 How old is he? Why is he still living with his parents? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 I'm fairly sure I've read similar threads before - have you posted about this in the past? Acting sweet and vulnerable is silly and it's obviously not doing anything to resolve the problem. His mom still doesn't want you there so much. The bottom line: it's her house. If you two don't like the way she treats you, you need to find somewhere else to hang out. That is the real solution. If you're staying there a lot (by your own admission) then you're very likely over-staying your welcome. Do you contribute to the household chores? Help out with cooking, or cleaning? How old are you both? 5
Author Scoobydooby Posted July 8, 2016 Author Posted July 8, 2016 How old is he? Why is he still living with his parents? He's 24 and I'm 23. He has lived there for so long because his family is poor, in government housing and his SSI and "disability" brings them a check every month. So him moving out could screw that up. But we have been saving up to move and she knows this and that I'm probably the reason he's so motivated now. I have a feeling that's why she is like this towards me. I'm a threat.
Author Scoobydooby Posted July 8, 2016 Author Posted July 8, 2016 (edited) I'm fairly sure I've read similar threads before - have you posted about this in the past? Acting sweet and vulnerable is silly and it's obviously not doing anything to resolve the problem. His mom still doesn't want you there so much. The bottom line: it's her house. If you two don't like the way she treats you, you need to find somewhere else to hang out. That is the real solution. If you're staying there a lot (by your own admission) then you're very likely over-staying your welcome. Do you contribute to the household chores? Help out with cooking, or cleaning? How old are you both? We are in our early twenties and currently about to move out in a couple months. I'm not here that much. Maybe a few days with me being at home for over a week. We live far apart. I do clean up after myself and bring my own food. I have also been nice, quiet and stay out of the way. Oh and yes i do sometimes help cook. The other family members really like me and we're all very friendly so his mom is the only one who is like this Edited July 8, 2016 by Scoobydooby
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 We are in our early twenties and currently about to move out in a couple months. I'm not here that much. Maybe a few days with me being at home for over a week. We live far apart. I do clean up after myself and bring my own food. I have also been nice, quiet and stay out of the way. Oh and yes i do sometimes help cook. The other family members really like me and we're all very friendly so his mom is the only one who is like this Ignore her jibes and keep saving up to move out. At 24, it's time he gained his independence.
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Stop going there you are not welcomed. Why can't your bf visit you where you live instead? His parents are poor yet you use their hot water and food? It's time for both of you to get your own place. 5
Lorenza Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Ok, so if I understood correctly your boyfriend contributes financially to the family's budget and his mom isn't too happy about him moving out with you which will result in losing his share. That shouldn't be his reason to stay there and delay building his own independant life, so I hope you two can soon find your own place soon. I don't think there's anything else you can do to improve the situation. Try to meet somewhere else as much as possible, it's probably not helping that you stay at their house and use their resources either.
Lorenza Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Stop going there you are not welcomed. Why can't your bf visit you where you live instead? His parents are poor yet you use their hot water and food? It's time for both of you to get your own place. He brings his family a check each month, so to be fair he should be able to bring a guest. 1
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 He brings his family a check each month, so to be fair he should be able to bring a guest. Technically yes but the mother is giving her a hard time and saying hurtful things. Even if the son talks to her she won't change, in mom's head it's her home and she'll bully anyone she wants. The priority is for these confrontations to stop. The mother does not listen to the son so far so it's useless to argue with the mom any longer. The situation is toxic and it needs to stop.
Author Scoobydooby Posted July 8, 2016 Author Posted July 8, 2016 Stop going there you are not welcomed. Why can't your bf visit you where you live instead? His parents are poor yet you use their hot water and food? It's time for both of you to get your own place. I don't eat their food only mine. I do use the water but what am i supposed to do not shower at all?
stillafool Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Yes, why can't your bf visit you at your home. His mother clearly doesn't want you over there.
JewelD Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Why go where you're not wanted though? If you're moving out in a couple of months, find other ways to see him that don't involve staying at his parents' house.
Author Scoobydooby Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 Yes, why can't your bf visit you at your home. His mother clearly doesn't want you over there. No room where i live. My mom and i share a room...
VeveCakes Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Time for you to both move out. FWIW I think you are doing the right thing by playing dumb. That way she can't feed off it.
Author Scoobydooby Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 Time for you to both move out. FWIW I think you are doing the right thing by playing dumb. That way she can't feed off it. You'd be the first to say that
gaius Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 As you said she feels threatened by you since she depends on him financially. You have the power to take that away. I don't know why he's on disability but unless he's paralyzed or missing a few body parts you should probably think about moving on if he's not willing to try and get a job. My mother got my half-siblings put on disability for a variety of unworthy reasons and it created one of the sickest dynamics I've ever seen. You do not want to get yourself tied down with a guy who's only ambition is to go to the mailbox and collect his government check.
bathtub-row Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 I think it's one thing to play dumb with the mom, but it's misleading to act that way with your BF. Yes, you're a threat to their easy money. It's their problem. If your BF wants to help support them after he moves out, great, but he definitely needs to move out.
Author Scoobydooby Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 As you said she feels threatened by you since she depends on him financially. You have the power to take that away. I don't know why he's on disability but unless he's paralyzed or missing a few body parts you should probably think about moving on if he's not willing to try and get a job. My mother got my half-siblings put on disability for a variety of unworthy reasons and it created one of the sickest dynamics I've ever seen. You do not want to get yourself tied down with a guy who's only ambition is to go to the mailbox and collect his government check. You're right that it does create unhealthy dynamics. But my boyfriend is actually very motivated to escape his situation. He has made a lot of momey online against his moms wishes. It's only after he showed real desire to escape that she started acting this way. She's doing everything she can to drag him down and get rid of anyone who dares to help him succeed.
preraph Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 Until he mans up and gets two jobs or whatever it takes to move out of his mother's house, he has no power to control his own life. She knows his needing this and that is more urgent because he has a girlfriend, and I'm sure she's wishing life was simpler like before when she could control him better. As long as he's mooching off her, whatever happens is up to her. It's that simple. You should stay out of it.
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