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Dating multiple women to not be too invested in one

WellHelloThere

By WellHelloThere
in General Relationship Discussion

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WellHelloThere Member

WellHelloThere

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Sometimes I have a problem with being too invested in someone I just met or someone I just started to date. So I over think everything, which leads me to worry too much about anything that could go wrong or if they are losing interest or not.

 

I find that if I am keeping myself occupied by dating 2 or more women, then I'm too occupied by going back and forth between communications and dates with 2 different women, that I'm not thinking about what might go bad with one. This is just for the initial stages of dating. If things went very well with one over a month or two, then I'd date her exclusively.

 

Do you think this is a good idea or has this worked well for you?

CryForNoOne Established Member

CryForNoOne

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There is nothing wrong with what you're doing. Some people just have idle hands so they obsess over anything unless they keep themselves busy. That's the way I am. I once had 10 first dates in 2 weeks with OKC and it was perfect because I didn't over analyze any one date. One of those 10 resulted in a 3 year LTR...

SwordofFlame Established Member

SwordofFlame

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I would recommend multi-dating for all guys in the early stages of women you meet through OLD. It keeps your confidence up and doesn't make you desperate.

NIGHT1985 Established Member

NIGHT1985

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If you can pull them in like that, go for it. It takes me forever to find candidates that I'm attracted to and interested in enough to meet through OLD

  • Like 1
central Established Member

central

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It sounds like a good strategy to avoid the kinds of problems you described. I've always preferred multi-dating in the early stages when the opportunity existed, as it helped keep perspective and helped me find a really good match much sooner that I could have otherwise.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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If you can pull them in like that, go for it. It takes me forever to find candidates that I'm attracted to and interested in enough to meet through OLD

 

Right.

 

Unless you're not too picky, I don't really see a plethora of choices on there, and I never really saw the point of multi-dating a bunch of people I'm not really into.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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After the first date, I usually know I'm just wasting my time......I never had to date someone for a month or two to figure that out. I multi-dated because I wasn't looking for a relationship or anyone special.

BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

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If you can do it great. It's not something that's for me though. When i was younger I used to do it no problem (and this was before dating sites!) but now, I find it stresses me out too much. That, and I find that paying attention fully to one individual allows me to decide about them, based on them, without comparing them to someone else.

 

 

Between work, hobbies, etc, it's hard enough to merge schedules enough for two people to find a common night to date on, let alone try and arrange that with more than one!

  • Like 1
LookAtThisPOst Established Member

LookAtThisPOst

Posted
Posted (edited)
Sometimes I have a problem with being too invested in someone I just met or someone I just started to date. So I over think everything, which leads me to worry too much about anything that could go wrong or if they are losing interest or not.

 

I find that if I am keeping myself occupied by dating 2 or more women, then I'm too occupied by going back and forth between communications and dates with 2 different women, that I'm not thinking about what might go bad with one. This is just for the initial stages of dating. If things went very well with one over a month or two, then I'd date her exclusively.

 

Do you think this is a good idea or has this worked well for you?

 

I know what you mean, in theory this is a nice idea...however...if you're the kind of person that's able to attract multiple women simultaneously, then go for it.

 

But you see, some men are not Casanovas. Some men don't have that luxury, in fact, once they get a woman to actually show an inkling of interest in them...he's kind of pigeon holed into focusing on getting to know her, esp. if things are seemingly going well.

 

Sure, you could continue to contact new women AFTER THAT woman, but if those women are rejecting you or blowing you off...you still have THAT woman who has shown interest to focus on.

 

I am. I once had 10 first dates in 2 weeks with OKC and it was perfect

 

Right, but if you're some lucky male devil that can get 10 women from OKC in 2 weeks, then more power to you. Never in my online dating life, I had THAT amount of women in 2 weeks and I'm sure a few men here can parrot that. lol

 

If you can pull them in like that, go for it. It takes me forever to find candidates that I'm attracted to and interested in enough to meet through OLD

 

Exactly....welcome to the club, NIGHT! lol

Edited by LookAtThisPOst
Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

Posted
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Nothing wrong with dating multiple people, as long as everyone knows that the relationships aren't exclusive and there is no deception at play.

 

One thing I would add: You mention that you do this is in order to not over-invest in relationships too soon and to avoid obsessing about them. As a long-term strategy to combat that behavior, I would recommend working on this part of yourself either through counseling or just on your own, if you can. That way you can maintain your boundaries and balance during the early stages of dating without having to involve other people as tools.

  • Like 3
normal person Established Member

normal person

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I've done this at times. It's not a horrible idea, but keep in mind there are other ways to preoccupy yourself that might be better. Work, friends, gym, whatever else you do with your free time, etc. Give yourself plenty of distractions that aren't just people you're dating.

  • Like 2
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
Sometimes I have a problem with being too invested in someone I just met or someone I just started to date. So I over think everything, which leads me to worry too much about anything that could go wrong or if they are losing interest or not.

 

I find that if I am keeping myself occupied by dating 2 or more women, then I'm too occupied by going back and forth between communications and dates with 2 different women, that I'm not thinking about what might go bad with one. This is just for the initial stages of dating. If things went very well with one over a month or two, then I'd date her exclusively.

 

Do you think this is a good idea or has this worked well for you?

 

I think both men AND women should multi-date until they've figured out if they like the person enough to want to know them better.

  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I think both men AND women should multi-date until they've figured out if they like the person enough to want to know them better.

 

For me that would happen on the first date, two tops. So I don't see the need.

 

But that's just me, I know for others it takes longer than one or two dates and that's fine.

 

Just be sure you keep facts straight on each woman (or man).

 

My friend was dating a guy and he kept bringing up stuff that SHE had never told him!

 

Apparently it was stuff another chick he was dating told him.... he couldn't keep them straight!

 

As for dating multi so you won't get attached or invested in one?

 

What happens when you finally DO choose one, those issues are still gonna be there.... so I would suggest you work on conquering your anxiety and attachment issues before you embark on dating.

 

Cause they won't go away just cuz you're dating a bunch of different women.

 

Eventually when you decide on ONE.... they will crop up again.

  • Like 1
Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
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For me that would happen on the first date, two tops. So I don't see the need.
Some of us have deal-breakers that won't necessarily show up on the first date or two. Using myself as an example, I require women to contribute financially and to put effort into setting up dates. Most of the women I've dated don't do this on date one or two.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

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Posted

I think I still multi-date. And some reasons are because I like to meet people and I like a night out. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I too get way too invested. I think I am a lot clinger than I would ever like to admit. You're keeping your options open. I think you're doing what works for you and that's good.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
Some of us have deal-breakers that won't necessarily show up on the first date or two. Using myself as an example, I require women to contribute financially and to put effort into setting up dates. Most of the women I've dated don't do this on date one or two.

 

You must have missed this:

 

 

But that's just me, I know for others it takes longer than one or two dates and that's fine.

 

 

:p

BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

Posted
Posted
Some of us have deal-breakers that won't necessarily show up on the first date or two. Using myself as an example, I require women to contribute financially and to put effort into setting up dates. Most of the women I've dated don't do this on date one or two.

 

But where do you draw the line, I mean, at how many dates.

 

Say you are dating two women (to keep it simple) you've gone out a few of times with each, and nothing bad about either has cropped up. They are both perfectly fine attractive women, and they both like you! Lots. And you like both of them.

 

Who do you pick? Or do you keep going out with both? What if one wants to sleep with you, what if they both do? --ooops, in today's lingo, hook-up? Do you do it, turn them down? Take turns? Then what about the other person? How much longer do you continue to date them both?

 

All those issues give me pause. My life is complicated enough without bringing that added element to my life.

 

But that's me. It sounds fun in it's own way, but, so does parachute jumping, and I don't do that either :)

  • Like 1
JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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I've tried it but it can be confusing. Not to mention, I usually end up liking one person more than the other one anyway though.

  • Like 1
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
But where do you draw the line, I mean, at how many dates.

 

Say you are dating two women (to keep it simple) you've gone out a few of times with each, and nothing bad about either has cropped up. They are both perfectly fine attractive women, and they both like you! Lots. And you like both of them.

 

Who do you pick? Or do you keep going out with both? What if one wants to sleep with you, what if they both do? --ooops, in today's lingo, hook-up? Do you do it, turn them down? Take turns? Then what about the other person? How much longer do you continue to date them both?

 

All those issues give me pause. My life is complicated enough without bringing that added element to my life.

 

But that's me. It sounds fun in it's own way, but, so does parachute jumping, and I don't do that either :)

 

 

Have sex with both, then go for the one with more money......:laugh:

 

 

TFY

  • Like 3
BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

Posted
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Have sex with both, then go for the one with more money......:laugh:

 

 

TFY

 

Ok well, of course!

:laugh:

  • Like 1
dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Always be upfront and open with the people your multi-dating (that you are) and absolutely honest if you are sexually involved with one or more of them.

 

I suspect most people use the term "dating" to mean "F-dating" these days but not everyone understands or agrees with this :rolleyes:

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WellHelloThere Member

WellHelloThere

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Nothing wrong with dating multiple people, as long as everyone knows that the relationships aren't exclusive and there is no deception at play.

 

One thing I would add: You mention that you do this is in order to not over-invest in relationships too soon and to avoid obsessing about them. As a long-term strategy to combat that behavior, I would recommend working on this part of yourself either through counseling or just on your own, if you can. That way you can maintain your boundaries and balance during the early stages of dating without having to involve other people as tools.

 

That's a really good point that multi-dating isn't a long term strategy. I can't always be using other people as tools for not over investing in someone.

 

Being busy with other things: work, friends, hobbies is good. But I think I need to reframe the relationship when I feel like I am putting so much importance on it that it makes me feel needy. Something like mentally put it on the back burner, when either they or I are busy with other things.

 

I don't know why for sure, but sometimes I have this problem and sometimes I don't.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I have used that tactic to get myself through a heartache, for distraction, and yes, it worked as well as anything else. Do be honest with who you're dating though and let them know you're dating around.

  • Like 1
Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
But where do you draw the line, I mean, at how many dates.
I make a decision by 3-5 dates.
Say you are dating two women (to keep it simple) you've gone out a few of times with each, and nothing bad about either has cropped up. They are both perfectly fine attractive women, and they both like you! Lots. And you like both of them.

 

Who do you pick? Or do you keep going out with both? What if one wants to sleep with you, what if they both do? --ooops, in today's lingo, hook-up? Do you do it, turn them down? Take turns? Then what about the other person? How much longer do you continue to date them both?

I haven't run into this problem yet, so I honestly don't know what I would do in this scenario. I'm sure one woman would stand out more than the other and that's the one I would go with.
  • Author
WellHelloThere Member

WellHelloThere

Posted
  • Author
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I don't really like to multi date, but I have done it sometimes. I most often just date one after another, until something works out long term.

 

But my situation now is stressing me out a lot. I have gotten back to talking to someone I was really into, but it ended up ending do to her having to move. Anyway, years go by and now we are talking again and every day and I'm screwing things up because I'm feeling needy. We aren't actually dating, just talking in a way that it is like we are both interested and I'll probably see her in 2 months. Some things that had been obstacles for us to be living near each other years ago aren't an issue anymore.

 

So, I'm trying to back off the communication with her some, because I'm screwing things up over worrying about how everything will go.

 

I am setting up a date with someone I met a few months ago and I'm trying to meet someone else online.

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