His Ex Is Trashy

[kendahke]

He didn't say what drug she might've been doing. I never did ask him about that. Probably should've.

 

If he was so sure she was using drugs, he'd have told you exactly what she was doing. She isn't doing drugs. She's dealing with a cruel thug who won't leave her alone to get over him.

 

Seriously? "Happy 4th"? I live in the US and it's not that kind of holiday. If it was her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas, I could see a text, but no---he wanted to rub her nose in him being there with you. Ugh!

 

What kind of person does this to someone? I dont' even know him and he disgusts me. I feel really badly for his ex.

[preraph]

Ugh. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the exact same situation here. I mean, c'mon - an almost 20-year age difference. I'm not against age gaps, but the whole situation is just very odd to me. Date her for two years, but she was never your girlfriend? Oh! Also (sorry, I forgot to mention), he somehow owes her money. She mentioned that during the yelling session.

 

And don't worry, I have a date with someone else tomorrow night. I've been talking to other people. He was just the one that I liked the most, but I need to go ahead and end it. He is no longer in the running.

 

Sounds like he's using her and sleeping with her too and probably got some dependence on her. If that type guy can find a woman who'll keep letting them in despite them openly seeing other women, they love that. You don't need that. he's probably a mess if he's borrowing money from her.

[Hopeful30]

I understand 100% where you're coming from, because by looking at the past women a man dated, you can tell a lot about his character and the decisions he makes with women.

 

But having said that, I've dated some crazies myself and I wouldn't want my man to hold that against me. I'm not the same person I once was, and it will show once you get to know me.

 

I say give him a chance. We've all been through different stages in our life and that is reflected in the people in our past. He could very well be the man for you, don't lose out on that chance because he's had bad taste in the past.

 

ADDED LATER:

 

I just caught up on the situation. Oh no! Sorry to hear that. If a man is still involved with lovers or girlfriends from his past, then he isn't ready to start anything new because he hasn't moved on from the old.

[Jejangles]

I'm late to the party because you've already decided to move on. Good choice! Your gut is saying this situation is bad, listen to it. I would be very concerned if an ex showed up looking like that! It's early days, why get involved in what sounds like a messy situation?

 

Us anxious daters have to listen to our anxiety and use it to our advantage. Our gut is finely tuned to weird situations and red flags. It's when we ignore our guts that we get into trouble! After years of anxiety inducing dating situations, I am 6 months in with my boyfriend and it has been so peaceful and enjoyable. He never leaves me guessing, never sets off my anxiety and has never set off my red flag antenna. It's such a cliche but it's true - when it's a good guy, your gut won't be alarming on you. It won't need to.

 

Hang in there! And keep trying. The right guy is out there I'm sure.

[Lovelorn00]

If he was so sure she was using drugs, he'd have told you exactly what she was doing. She isn't doing drugs. She's dealing with a cruel thug who won't leave her alone to get over him.

 

Seriously? "Happy 4th"? I live in the US and it's not that kind of holiday. If it was her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas, I could see a text, but no---he wanted to rub her nose in him being there with you. Ugh!

 

What kind of person does this to someone? I dont' even know him and he disgusts me. I feel really badly for his ex.

 

Exactly. The 4th isn't the kind of holiday you text someone about out of the blue. Not usually. He kept saying that he didn't mean for our little run-in to happen, but I don't know if I believe him. When she confronted us, she kept yelling, "Really?? You're here?? You're going to do this to me now?" Seems kinda deliberate to me, too.

[Lovelorn00]

I'm late to the party because you've already decided to move on. Good choice! Your gut is saying this situation is bad, listen to it. I would be very concerned if an ex showed up looking like that! It's early days, why get involved in what sounds like a messy situation?

 

Us anxious daters have to listen to our anxiety and use it to our advantage. Our gut is finely tuned to weird situations and red flags. It's when we ignore our guts that we get into trouble! After years of anxiety inducing dating situations, I am 6 months in with my boyfriend and it has been so peaceful and enjoyable. He never leaves me guessing, never sets off my anxiety and has never set off my red flag antenna. It's such a cliche but it's true - when it's a good guy, your gut won't be alarming on you. It won't need to.

 

Hang in there! And keep trying. The right guy is out there I'm sure.

 

Thanks, Jejangles! I'm still hoping to find a guy like yours. He made me feel anxious from day 1, because he's horrible at phone communication. He either takes forever to respond to a simple question or he doesn't respond at all. I deleted his number twice, because I assumed that he wasn't interested, but his best friend (who I met when I met him) kept telling me that he was very interested. I should've listened to my gut the first two times I deleted his number.

[mortensorchid]

He's not with her anymore, you are. Whatever happened happened, and he learned and changed. I have racked my brains out wondering why guys go for trashy women rather than those who aren't. The only answers I can come up with are that men secretly like dramatics and the attitude / appearance of trashy girls (those who dress provocatively), and that men want someone who is lesser than they are (in terms of looks, personality, success, etc.). How many guys have I dated who dump me and take up with the next trashy girl that comes along not just because she's cuter, thinner, younger, etc., but because she's trashy? A LOT.

 

But now that it's behind him, he's learned, and he's with you now. A new chapter he's trying. Don't sit there and be revolted that he was with her, chances are you have been with a few questionable people in the past as well.

[elaine567]

It was speculation, but he confirmed that she's a drug-user. And she really did seem kinda out of it. Her head was shaky, and she was kinda glassy-eyed (of course, that could've been from the tears). BUT... you do bring up a great question. I asked him about it. Turns out, he texted her earlier that day to wish her a happy holiday (the 4th is a holiday here in the States). WTF. Apparently, he asked what she was getting into, and she didn't respond until we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. I think they had a mutual friend that was performing there that night. That's when he realized that we were going to run into her, but he didn't say anything. He later apologized and said he should've said something, but he was hoping she wouldn't see us.

 

So, there's another red flag. He's still in contact with his crazy ex. Great.

 

He knew she would be there, that is why he took you there.

He set her up and used you as a pawn to get a reaction from her. Whether he did it because he "hates" her or he "loves" her doesn't matter, he is still "involved" with her.

You are right to walk away.

[Toodaloo]

I was once involved with a piece of trash (and thank God she's gone), and all I can say about the experience is that pieces of trash can be very charming and that lonely guys make mistakes.

 

I am in a similar situation OP.

 

I am probably older (I doubt any wiser for it but its gives you balls when you get old) and I asked him...

 

The response was pretty much what Hoosfoos said...

 

I haven't met his ex yet. I have no plans to and I am avoiding it like the plague... My car has enough dents in it already with out her "helping"... Irony is that she ran off with another bloke.

 

I dunno what it is but after his ex beating him up, smashing up his company car a few times, kidnapping their son, reporting his to the police for beating her up (he wasn't even in the area at the time so pretty easy to resolve that one), trying to bankrupt him and refusing to close joint accounts running the over drafts up on them every time he pays it off to try and close it... All this in less than 3 months... Actually I am getting bored of this list already... Its a long tedious one. But after all that he still wants to try and be friends? He still wants to be kind to her?

 

I have to say if I had known this earlier I would have got out. Unfortunately I didn't and got to find out what a great guy he is...

 

Verdict is still out. If we split it will be because of his ex. I don't "do" drama very well at all...

[Cherryz]

On one hand you sound like you feel like you better then anyone.

Its not on you to judge her if she had hard life.

Not everyone lives just in lala land.

 

You cant just judge him based on one ex.

But ques what? Nothing happen when it happen for no reason.

Its often warning or things for you to pay attention to.

Its up to what you do after knowing it.

 

I do understand the way you feel after this.

On one hand i think who people date can say something about them.

Since people feel attracted to things they enjoy and like in each other.

At least one thing.

Or you could ask yourself: Is this how i will end up if i be with this guy?

 

This is a turn off and could be reason to break it off.

How did he react on all of this when she came in and yall?

And what did she accuse him of?

Either way you would like to date someone with no drama and who

have a clear clean end with their exes where they dont feel comfortable to come around to greet and start drama.

 

Dont be naive. Im sure your gut is telling you to break it off, reading your post.

 

If you still want to get to know him, keep your eyes wide open. (stressful)!

And know when to get out.

[Cherryz]

He knew she would be there, that is why he took you there.

He set her up and used you as a pawn to get a reaction from her. Whether he did it because he "hates" her or he "loves" her doesn't matter, he is still "involved" with her.

You are right to walk away.

Thats what i thougth by reading the topic.

How is it a big city and exactly there the ex walks in?

 

And feels free to come to greet them?

[Cherryz]

Maybe so. I just have a hard time seeing how he could be lonely. I find him to be quite attractive, though not the usual alpha-male type that I go for. He is, however, very shy and quite an introvert. That may have something to do with it. Maybe he has a hard time approaching women in general, and this woman was in the right place at the right time.

 

You sound very superficial. Just because someone is handsome you think there cant be nothing wrong with them.

 

He could be the worst type of men you ever met. And show his true color once you with him. Dont let the cute face fool you.

Specially if its a grown man. Par attention.

[Art_Critic]

We all have baggage, and we’ve all had cringe-worthy partners in our pasts,

 

yeah we do and have, that is why the answer is to forget about it, why hold someone liable for their past when it didn't involve you ?

 

Isn't the present more important ?

[elaine567]

Isn't the present more important ?

 

Yes and she is still there too. He still texts her and he just happened to take the OP to a venue, where a friend of his ex was performing and surprise surprise the ex was there...

He hasn't moved on.

 

When she(the ex) confronted us, she kept yelling, "Really?? You're here?? You're going to do this to me now?"

Its kind of telling.