His Ex Is Trashy

[Omei]

It's a red flag to send her messages what you might be seeing is her reliving the break up over and over again because he contacts her with false hope and she reponds in painful ways not being over it

..yeah maybe she's doing a little weed and some drinking for some pain numbing a lot have but did your guy say exactly how much of a drug addict she is? Like what's his version of drug addict? that could be a total lie.

 

Anyway just a theory the fact he's in contact still and she's so upset says a lot to me. He's not letting her heal that is for certain.

[preraph]

First of all you need to find out how she managed to be where you two were. I don't believe in coincidences. He might still be talking to her and sleeping with her. She certainly acts like it.

 

For now, what I would suggest is you don't do any exclusive arrangement because I think it would be one-sided, but that you continue to date other people. Over the years, I have seen more than one seemingly nice enough guy with a trashy ongoing relationship with someone they like to call their ex but are still carrying on with them. The one that comes to mind especially, she was like a shrew and they had sort of a mother/son relationship. She took care of him because he wasn't good at taking care of himself. He dated around and pretended not to be with her (some say they were married but no one seemed to know for sure though I knew his bandmates and they knew him forever) while she blamed the women and not him for his infidelity.

[Lovelorn00]

It's a red flag to send her messages what you might be seeing is her reliving the break up over and over again because he contacts her with false hope and she reponds in painful ways not being over it

..yeah maybe she's doing a little weed and some drinking for some pain numbing a lot have but did your guy say exactly how much of a drug addict she is? Like what's his version of drug addict? that could be a total lie.

 

Anyway just a theory the fact he's in contact still and she's so upset says a lot to me. He's not letting her heal that is for certain.

 

It is, indeed. I even told him that during our conversation. I said, "You know, if one of my ex's contacted me on a holiday, I'd immediately think, 'Oh! They want to get back together!'" It's definitely giving someone false hope, which is yet another red flag. I just keep getting the "I should've made better choices" response.

 

He didn't say what drug she might've been doing. I never did ask him about that. Probably should've.

 

I don't know. Uncovering all of these red flags, I think I'm done. This guy ratchets up my anxiety meter something awful, and that should've been the first red flag. I'm going to end it.

[Lovelorn00]

First of all you need to find out how she managed to be where you two were. I don't believe in coincidences. He might still be talking to her and sleeping with her. She certainly acts like it.

 

For now, what I would suggest is you don't do any exclusive arrangement because I think it would be one-sided, but that you continue to date other people. Over the years, I have seen more than one seemingly nice enough guy with a trashy ongoing relationship with someone they like to call their ex but are still carrying on with them. The one that comes to mind especially, she was like a shrew and they had sort of a mother/son relationship. She took care of him because he wasn't good at taking care of himself. He dated around and pretended not to be with her (some say they were married but no one seemed to know for sure though I knew his bandmates and they knew him forever) while she blamed the women and not him for his infidelity.

 

Ugh. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the exact same situation here. I mean, c'mon - an almost 20-year age difference. I'm not against age gaps, but the whole situation is just very odd to me. Date her for two years, but she was never your girlfriend? Oh! Also (sorry, I forgot to mention), he somehow owes her money. She mentioned that during the yelling session.

 

And don't worry, I have a date with someone else tomorrow night. I've been talking to other people. He was just the one that I liked the most, but I need to go ahead and end it. He is no longer in the running.

[MissBee]

When they started dating she probably wasn't anything like that. as time went on she started to become all messed up on drugs and what have you...probably the reason why he got out of the relationship. It wasn't the ending of the relationship that made this women head into a tail spin...she has fallen into substance abuse and can't get out of it. She looks trash now to get attention, and it's obviously part of the addiction.

 

I doubt very highly this was the way she was when they starting dating so don't worry about it. She's just went down the wrong path in life that is all.

 

How can you know this? Maybe, or not necessarily. She could have been this way since day one....or just since the breakup, she took it hard and is being loony because of it...either way we cannot say for certain what it is.

 

My suggestion OP, is to take this as a sign to be vigilant about him. This isn't an ex from years ago, this is an ex from less than a year ago, which means that it's not ancient history and it's worth it to be mindful and careful about him and their relationship and his character. I am not saying to immediately make assumptions, good or bad, but this is pertinent info and now that's she's accosted you in public, it has opened the door for you ask him about their relationship and see what he says.

 

Some of my biggest dating regrets were seeing "signs" or being given the uncanny opportunity to pay attention and I didn't....and then it came back to bite me in the butt later on. Take things slow with this guy and just file this info away and pay attention to who he is, what he says, whether things are truly over etc. You don't know him very well yet and dating is a discovery period to get to know someone and assess if they are worth increased levels of trust and investment. You don't invest and trust everything before knowing who they are and if it's worth it. Sure, we all have baggage, but we all have the right to choose which baggage we can handle and which we can't and what's worth it or not. Never feel guilty for deciding that certain kinds of baggage isn't your speed.

[MissBee]

Exactly. That’s what’s bothering so much. It does indeed feel like a reflection on me. I definitely feel like I’m an upgrade on his end, but what’s so wrong with him that he felt like he couldn’t do better than this woman? He’s not ugly. He has a steady job, a car, a house. The whole thing is really baffling to me. She reminds me of singer Amy Winehouse towards the end of her life, which is really, really sad.

 

That's the other thing, people have all kinds of issues that we don't get to know about until we get to know them OR the universe allows stuff like their alleged crazy ex to pop up.

 

No one goes into dating asking people to explain their emotional or other issues lol...unfortunately. Codependent relationships are VERY VERY common, where men and women date someone who is unstable an addict or has other issues and they act as an enabler and benefactor. This is a very common thing, and it doesn't matter how smart, rich, intelligent, good looking someone is, if that's an issue they have, they will tend to attract people and relationships like that where the drama is astronomical and where they play a caretaker role and are the one who supposedly "has it together" (but really they also have their own issue which leads them to this caretaking role).

 

That said, I don't have enough info to say, but that could very well be a possibility with your guy, hence me saying don't just write it off and ignore it, but EVERY SINGLE THING that happens while dating tells us something if we're willing to pay attention. Not jump to conclusions mind you, but simply listen keenly and carefully to people and observe and you usually are clued in about their potential issues. Maybe his ex is "just crazy" but usually that's never the case...esp after a 2 year relationship...it usually takes 2 and even if someone is crazy, if you put up with their craziness, then it tells something about you too. Most people avoid telling their half of the story if it makes them look bad and I'm sure he is no different. Everything tells you something so it makes sense to pay attention and not just jump to writing it off as no big deal. Your gut obviously was telling you something even if that something is to watch and observe and listen to him more carefully.

[Lovelorn00]

How can you know this? Maybe, or not necessarily. She could have been this way since day one....or just since the breakup, she took it hard and is being loony because of it...either way we cannot say for certain what it is.

 

My suggestion OP, is to take this as a sign to be vigilant about him. This isn't an ex from years ago, this is an ex from less than a year ago, which means that it's not ancient history and it's worth it to be mindful and careful about him and their relationship and his character. I am not saying to immediately make assumptions, good or bad, but this is pertinent info and now that's she's accosted you in public, it has opened the door for you ask him about their relationship and see what he says.

 

Some of my biggest dating regrets were seeing "signs" or being given the uncanny opportunity to pay attention and I didn't....and then it came back to bite me in the butt later on. Take things slow with this guy and just file this info away and pay attention to who he is, what he says, whether things are truly over etc. You don't know him very well yet and dating is a discovery period to get to know someone and assess if they are worth increased levels of trust and investment. You don't invest and trust everything before knowing who they are and if it's worth it. Sure, we all have baggage, but we all have the right to choose which baggage we can handle and which we can't and what's worth it or not. Never feel guilty for deciding that certain kinds of baggage isn't your speed.

 

That's how I felt at first, but let's tally up the red flags so far:

 

1. He initiated contact with her on a holiday (leading her on).

2. He dated this woman for two years, yet never labeled her a girlfriend.

3. He owes her money.

4. She's trashy (and likely was when he met her).

 

At first, I figured I'd continue seeing him, while keeping these items in the back of my mind, but I've been around the block enough to know that all of those red flags will lead to nothing but heartache for me. It probably does seem hasty, but I think I'm just going to let him go.

 

Further, he's done nothing since our conversation to "prove" to me that he's a good guy. We had plans tonight, but he had to cancel... a few hours before we were supposed to meet up. He hasn't mentioned rescheduling. Not to mention, he's the worst texter I've ever met in my life. Doesn't respond or takes forever to respond, since day 1.

 

Nah, I'm done. I can do better. Analyzing it on this forum has helped me to realize that. Thank you, everyone!

[Lovelorn00]

That's the other thing, people have all kinds of issues that we don't get to know about until we get to know them OR the universe allows stuff like their alleged crazy ex to pop up.

 

You're right - I'm considering this the Universe's way of telling me to move on. You make good points, but there are too many red flags here. My gut is now telling me that he's probably just an a**hole like all the rest. I'm just glad that I got to find this out before falling too hard for him.

[MissBee]

That's how I felt at first, but let's tally up the red flags so far:

 

1. He initiated contact with her on a holiday (leading her on).

2. He dated this woman for two years, yet never labeled her a girlfriend.

3. He owes her money.

4. She's trashy (and likely was when he met her).

 

At first, I figured I'd continue seeing him, while keeping these items in the back of my mind, but I've been around the block enough to know that all of those red flags will lead to nothing but heartache for me. It probably does seem hasty, but I think I'm just going to let him go.

 

Further, he's done nothing since our conversation to "prove" to me that he's a good guy. We had plans tonight, but he had to cancel... a few hours before we were supposed to meet up. He hasn't mentioned rescheduling. Not to mention, he's the worst texter I've ever met in my life. Doesn't respond or takes forever to respond, since day 1.

 

Nah, I'm done. I can do better. Analyzing it on this forum has helped me to realize that. Thank you, everyone!

 

Good for you!

 

That's been my mantra for the rest of the year. I know it intellectually but have been putting it more and more into practice and living a better life because of it. NO MAN is your last chance...but so often we see red flags up to here and try to talk ourselves out of it and people make it seem like we're being picky or we need to just give it a chance. You did give it a chance but when red flags come hurtling down the street at you or it's early in dating and you have to spend more time analyzing them or being dissatisfied or trying to hope they will change than simply enjoying getting to know them and finding more areas of compatibility, it's best to walk. It's not that serious and they aren't your last hope.

[Lovelorn00]

Good for you!

 

That's been my mantra for the rest of the year. I know it intellectually but have been putting it more and more into practice and living a better life because of it. NO MAN is your last chance...but so often we see red flags up to here and try to talk ourselves out of it and people make it seem like we're being picky or we need to just give it a chance. You did give it a chance but when red flags come hurtling down the street at you or it's early in dating and you have to spend more time analyzing them or being dissatisfied or trying to hope they will change than simply enjoying getting to know them and finding more areas of compatibility, it's best to walk. It's not that serious and they aren't your last hope.

 

Exactly, and I'm getting sooooooo much better (and faster) at recognizing this. Definitely thanks to you guys. These are things that I just can't ignore, though I might've tried to in the past. I know where it'll lead me, and I don't wanna go down that road again.

[Maggie888]

Ugh yeah he's still involved with this woman OBVIOUSLY>

 

Hell he even conceded to texting her that day. I doubt it was to "wish her a happy 4th". More like it was on ongoing thing texting her, to keep her in his pipeline as long term FWB which is what she is. That is why she was pissed. B/c he is still actively hooking up with her, yet is out on a date with you.

 

the "I made bad choices" is really a huge red flag. Texting an ex is not really a "bad choice". He's referring to something worse that he has done ie still screwing one lady, while dating another and not letting either of them know...yes thats a "bad choice".

 

Its probably some kink or something being with this trashy lady

 

And whats this about him owing her money??

 

And now he's a terrible texter (altho he has time to text his "ex" of course?).

 

Glad you decided to end it.

[MissBee]

You're right - I'm considering this the Universe's way of telling me to move on. You make good points, but there are too many red flags here. My gut is now telling me that he's probably just an a**hole like all the rest. I'm just glad that I got to find this out before falling too hard for him.

 

He doesn't necessarily have to be an a-hole, but dating is all about choosing the people and situations best for us. Most people have their own struggles to deal with, and maybe he does too, but whatever the case is, wish him well and keep it moving.

[katiegrl]

I started seeing a guy about a month ago. We met at a concert, hit it off. We’ve seen each other pretty consistently, and we always have an awesome time whenever we are together. We’ve both expressed that we’re very into one another, and he really seems like a sweet, genuine guy.

 

 

So you start off this thread saying this^^.....

 

And then three pages into an advice forum.... you post this:

 

 

I don't know. Uncovering all of these red flags, I think I'm done. This guy ratchets up my anxiety meter something awful, and that should've been the first red flag. I'm going to end it.

 

Seriously LL? I mean, it's your call of course.... but are you sure?

[Lovelorn00]

Ugh yeah he's still involved with this woman OBVIOUSLY>

 

Hell he even conceded to texting her that day. I doubt it was to "wish her a happy 4th". More like it was on ongoing thing texting her, to keep her in his pipeline as long term FWB which is what she is. That is why she was pissed. B/c he is still actively hooking up with her, yet is out on a date with you.

 

the "I made bad choices" is really a huge red flag. Texting an ex is not really a "bad choice". He's referring to something worse that he has done ie still screwing one lady, while dating another and not letting either of them know...yes thats a "bad choice".

 

Its probably some kink or something being with this trashy lady

 

And whats this about him owing her money??

 

And now he's a terrible texter (altho he has time to text his "ex" of course?).

 

Glad you decided to end it.

 

Um... Amen! You bring up points that I hadn't even thought of before. Gah, now I'm actually starting to despise this guy.

[Redhead14]

I'm getting sooooooo much better (and faster) at recognizing this -- how do you know if you were right about the ones you've quickly passed on????

 

It's not about quickly eliminating potential dating partners, it's about sitting back and observing over a reasonable amount of time and managing your emotions and expectations. Up til this point, you liked him. Now this happens. What if this didn't happen? You'd likely still be dating him and at some point would have a conversation about past relationships, etc. and have a little more insight based on empirical evidence and direct input rather than perception and presumptions.

 

If you're dating others as well, there's nothing wrong with giving it a little more time before you make that decision.

 

As far as him texting her -- given the behavior and presentation she's made, I wouldn't be surprised if his line of thinking goes something like this -- "this one is a nut and I'll just be friendly at least so I don't have to worry about looking over my shoulder. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"

 

It's always a tough call. It's a jungle out there

[Lovelorn00]

So you start off this thread saying this^^.....

 

And then three pages into an advice forum.... you post this:

 

 

 

Seriously LL? I mean, it's your call of course.... but are you sure?

 

Yep. I'm positive. We have a GREAT time when we're together. I laugh harder than I've ever laughed with anyone when we're hanging out. And he seems to get me. We have deep conversations about life and spirituality, values, hopes, dreams. We're on the same page. Even when I think I'm speaking complete nonsense, he always seems to know exactly what I'm talking about. We have a blast.

 

But this is just too much, and writing it out here on LS has made me realize that. I've met plenty of seemingly nice guys who I have fun with who really d*cked me over in the end. All this BS about "let me prove to you that I'm a good guy"... When am I going to learn? This needs to be a lesson for me.

[katiegrl]

Yep. I'm positive. We have a GREAT time when we're together. I laugh harder than I've ever laughed with anyone when we're hanging out. And he seems to get me. We have deep conversations about life and spirituality, values, hopes, dreams. We're on the same page. Even when I think I'm speaking complete nonsense, he always seems to know exactly what I'm talking about. We have a blast.

 

But this is just too much, and writing it out here on LS has made me realize that. I've met plenty of seemingly nice guys who I have fun with who really d*cked me over in the end. All this BS about "let me prove to you that I'm a good guy"... When am I going to learn? This needs to be a lesson for me.

 

Okay fair enough! Reading through all the posts now... I have to say, I agree.

 

Do you need to break a date or something? How you gonna handle, will you just text him letting him know? Will you tell him why?

[katiegrl]

When am I going to learn? This needs to be a lesson for me.

 

Hey.... give yourself a break!!

 

It's only been a month... and until this you thought he was a sweet genuine guy.

 

So now you found out some shyt and you're walking away.

 

I'd say you are doing pretty darn good!!

 

There is no lesson here ...... you've learned it already and are putting it into action!

[Lovelorn00]

I'm getting sooooooo much better (and faster) at recognizing this -- how do you know if you were right about the ones you've quickly passed on????

 

Here’s how I know… I recently made a list of the guys I’ve been involved with since November, and it came out to be 21. All of them except for a few ended it with me first, and the overwhelming majority of them did it in an unpleasant way (i.e. “ghosting” instead of just telling me they weren’t interested). I found something that I liked about all of them, and I had a good time hanging out with all of them. 21 in 8 months is a lot (to me). It would’ve been much more if I had included the entire year. I guess my point is, that’s enough data to start to notice behavior patterns. This guy is displaying all of the telltale patterns of someone whose words don’t match up with his actions. On the surface, it may seem hasty, but I’ve seen this behavior many times before (21 times in the past 8 months, to be exact). Seems to me like sticking around would be a waste of time at this point.

[Lovelorn00]

Okay fair enough! Reading through all the posts now... I have to say, I agree.

 

Do you need to break a date or something? How you gonna handle, will you just text him letting him know? Will you tell him why?

 

I do. I keep saying I need to take a break, but some dude comes along out of nowhere. I wasn't seeking this one out. We met at a concert (which I was happily attending ALONE).

 

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle yet. I will likely text him, but I'm not sure what I'm going to say. I would love to tell him why, but I feel kind of angry towards him right now, so I feel like I should just wait a few days and then let him know.

[katiegrl]

Here’s how I know… I recently made a list of the guys I’ve been involved with since November, and it came out to be 21. All of them except for a few ended it with me first, and the overwhelming majority of them did it in an unpleasant way (i.e. “ghosting” instead of just telling me they weren’t interested). I found something that I liked about all of them, and I had a good time hanging out with all of them. 21 in 8 months is a lot (to me). It would’ve been much more if I had included the entire year. I guess my point is, that’s enough data to start to notice behavior patterns. This guy is displaying all of the telltale patterns of someone whose words don’t match up with his actions. On the surface, it may seem hasty, but I’ve seen this behavior many times before (21 times in the past 8 months, to be exact). Seems to me like sticking around would be a waste of time at this point.

 

I agree.

 

Remember what I said on your last thread?

 

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment and hurt later.

 

Get-go being the first couple of months dating and observing.

 

You're walking after one month (dating and observing).

 

That's enough time to make an informed decision... and let's face it, this is a pretty bright red flag.

[katiegrl]

I do. I keep saying I need to take a break, but some dude comes along out of nowhere. I wasn't seeking this one out. We met at a concert (which I was happily attending ALONE).

 

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle yet. I will likely text him, but I'm not sure what I'm going to say. I would love to tell him why, but I feel kind of angry towards him right now, so I feel like I should just wait a few days and then let him know.

 

No I don't mean YOU need a break... I meant do you and this guy have a date scheduled, that you need to break? lol

[Lovelorn00]

I agree.

 

Remember what I said on your last thread?

 

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment and hurt later.

 

Get-go being the first couple of months dating and observing.

 

You're walking after one month (dating and observing).

 

That's enough time to make an informed decision... and let's face it, this is a pretty bright red flag.

 

Exactly. A few years ago, I probably would've stayed around much longer before getting seriously hurt in the end. Not now. Yeah, it stings a little, because I'm going to miss hanging around someone I enjoy, but there are plenty more where that came from.

[Lovelorn00]

No I don't mean YOU need a break... I meant do you and this guy have a date scheduled, that you need to break? lol

 

Oh! Lol. Well, we had a date tonight. He cancelled a few hours before our meeting time (red flag) citing band practice. He hasn't mentioned rescheduling (red flag), and I definitely won't. So, no - there weren't any dates on the books for us.

[kendahke]

It was speculation, but he confirmed that she's a drug-user. And she really did seem kinda out of it. Her head was shaky, and she was kinda glassy-eyed (of course, that could've been from the tears). BUT... you do bring up a great question. I asked him about it. Turns out, he texted her earlier that day to wish her a happy holiday (the 4th is a holiday here in the States). WTF. Apparently, he asked what she was getting into, and she didn't respond until we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. I think they had a mutual friend that was performing there that night. That's when he realized that we were going to run into her, but he didn't say anything. He later apologized and said he should've said something, but he was hoping she wouldn't see us.

 

So, there's another red flag. He's still in contact with his crazy ex. Great.

 

So, why is he keeping in touch with

1. a drug user

2. someone he's claimed he doesn't know why he ever dealt with her

3. wasn't his girlfriend for 2 years he was involved with her

 

From what you've described, he sounds like he played a huge role in her being crazy and now, he's trying to play you for crazy by contacting her and setting the evening in train and then bringing you a really, really lame excuse for what he orchestrated.

 

He's keeping that injury fresh and not letting her go so she can get through whatever journey she is on and get to reconciliation for herself. That's pretty mean and cruel to do that.

 

I'd steer clear of someone like that because guess who is next for that treatment?