Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I started seeing a guy about a month ago. We met at a concert, hit it off. We’ve seen each other pretty consistently, and we always have an awesome time whenever we are together. We’ve both expressed that we’re very into one another, and he really seems like a sweet, genuine guy. Last weekend, we went out to a restaurant. Though we live in a large city with tons of people, we somehow managed to run into his ex-girlfriend. The interaction with her was everything you’d expect to see on a TV show or in a movie. She came up to us from behind, introduced herself to me, then proceeded to yell at him, accuse him of things, cry, cause a scene, etc. Easily one of the most uncomfortable dating situations I have ever been in, and I’ve been in a lot of weird dating situations. He and I talked about it later, and he explained the situation. They had broken up about 9 months ago after dating for close to two years, but she clearly wasn’t over it. He apologized profusely, and I’m considering giving him a chance, but there’s something about all of this that’s really bothering me: his ex is kinda trashy. She’s 17 years his senior, though she looks about 30 years his senior. You know… just the kind of person you’d look at and think, “Wow. Rough life.” When she approached us, I could tell that she was either drunk or high, and he confirmed that she might’ve been both. She just looked very unkempt and unstable, in general. When I first saw her, I honestly thought she was a street beggar, and I was prepared to tell her that I didn’t have any cash on me until it dawned on me that she was his ex. When she stumbled away (crying and warning me to leave him alone), I could see her backside hanging from underneath her extremely short shorts. Super classy. This guy seems really great, and we love each other’s company, but I just can’t shake the image of him being with this woman. The idea that they were once intimate with each other makes me nauseous, and it’s slowly killing my attraction to him. I really don’t want to be this way, because it seems super petty and superficial. We all have baggage, and we’ve all had cringe-worthy partners in our pasts, but this woman was just too much for me. I’m still in shock that he would associate himself with someone like this. What should I do? Should I drop him? Ask him how he managed to get involved with someone like this? Leave it alone?
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 When they started dating she probably wasn't anything like that. as time went on she started to become all messed up on drugs and what have you...probably the reason why he got out of the relationship. It wasn't the ending of the relationship that made this women head into a tail spin...she has fallen into substance abuse and can't get out of it. She looks trash now to get attention, and it's obviously part of the addiction. I doubt very highly this was the way she was when they starting dating so don't worry about it. She's just went down the wrong path in life that is all. 7
SwordofFlame Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Let's put it this way. If I found out my girlfriend used to date some unemployed low life drug addict, I would seriously start to question why she's with me. 5
Grapesofwrath Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I think you're being a bit judgmental and hasty here. it sounds like you are more concerned with how his ex reflects on you than how it reflects on him. The relationship is over for a reason. He has moved on. If you enjoy his company then continue to date him and see where it goes. It takes a while to get to know someone. He has done nothing to you to warrent a break-up. If you were to end it, what would you say? "I'm sorry, but I can't see you anymore because your ex-girlfriend is trashy?" Is that really who you want to be? Give the guy a chance. 3
Satu Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 How recently did they break up? If it was recent, and he's not fully over her, that's not good. As regards his ex, the less you concern yourself with her, the better. Take care. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 When they started dating she probably wasn't anything like that. as time went on she started to become all messed up on drugs and what have you...probably the reason why he got out of the relationship. It wasn't the ending of the relationship that made this women head into a tail spin...she has fallen into substance abuse and can't get out of it. She looks trash now to get attention, and it's obviously part of the addiction. I doubt very highly this was the way she was when they starting dating so don't worry about it. She's just went down the wrong path in life that is all. That’s a good point. A girlfriend of mine had suggested the same thing, but I don’t know. A part of me wants to ask him if that was the case. Poor thing was so embarrassed, and I would be as well. He told me that she had a health scare a while back, but it turned out to be nothing. He stuck by her through it. He also told me that she planned to move across the country at one point, so she wanted to see him one last time, but she never actually left our city. She seems very manipulative, if what he’s telling me is the truth. I wish I could ask him, because she really seems like she’s been this way for a while, but that would be such a horrible thing to ask someone. “Hey, I know we just met, and we’re just getting to know each other, but what the hell were you thinking with your ex?” 2
JewelD Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Take what he says with a grain of salt. It's quite rare that people become trashy over night. If she's trashy now, she was probably trashy then and he liked it enough to keep it for 2 years. But sometimes people decide they want better for themselves and upgrade! She might just be crazy, but there may have been more to the relationship than he told you. My ex probably told some of the girls he was dating that I ruined the relationship and treated him terribly (opposite of truth), but he was also still trying to text and call me at the same time. Relationships end, but if it's been 9mos and she's yelling at him like that in public, she might be crazy or he might have done something really foul. He's not going to tell you if he did. Just be wary as you move forward with him. 6
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Let's put it this way. If I found out my girlfriend used to date some unemployed low life drug addict, I would seriously start to question why she's with me. Exactly. That’s what’s bothering so much. It does indeed feel like a reflection on me. I definitely feel like I’m an upgrade on his end, but what’s so wrong with him that he felt like he couldn’t do better than this woman? He’s not ugly. He has a steady job, a car, a house. The whole thing is really baffling to me. She reminds me of singer Amy Winehouse towards the end of her life, which is really, really sad.
Hoosfoos Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I was once involved with a piece of trash (and thank God she's gone), and all I can say about the experience is that pieces of trash can be very charming and that lonely guys make mistakes. 6
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I was once involved with a piece of trash (and thank God she's gone), and all I can say about the experience is that pieces of trash can be very charming and that lonely guys make mistakes. Not only lonely guys. Is there anyone here who doesn't have an ex who they don't look back on and think: "what the F*CK was I thinking??" 11
katiegrl Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Exactly. That’s what’s bothering so much. It does indeed feel like a reflection on me. I definitely feel like I’m an upgrade on his end, but what’s so wrong with him that he felt like he couldn’t do better than this woman? Well in his defense, he stopped seeing her didn't he? Obviously he felt he could do better, so he broke up with her and found you! This reminds me of the woman who, when an older or unattractive man approaches and asks her out, she's insulted! In her mind she's thinking. "What makes him think a woman like me would ever even consider going out with him? Unless he thinks I am unattractive myself." It's pretty judgmental. Think positive! He knew he could do better, so again he ended it with her... and then he found you, a total prize. He hit the jackpot! 5
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 How recently did they break up? If it was recent, and he's not fully over her, that's not good. As regards his ex, the less you concern yourself with her, the better. Take care. I think he said it was about 9 months ago, so it's been a good while. I'm going to try not to concern myself with her, but it's hard. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing on my part. Whenever I date someone new, I always wonder what their ex-girlfriends were like, if they were prettier, smarter. Luckily, I've never had to meet any of them, though, so it's always just been a thought in my head.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Take what he says with a grain of salt. It's quite rare that people become trashy over night. If she's trashy now, she was probably trashy then and he liked it enough to keep it for 2 years. But sometimes people decide they want better for themselves and upgrade! She might just be crazy, but there may have been more to the relationship than he told you. My ex probably told some of the girls he was dating that I ruined the relationship and treated him terribly (opposite of truth), but he was also still trying to text and call me at the same time. Relationships end, but if it's been 9mos and she's yelling at him like that in public, she might be crazy or he might have done something really foul. He's not going to tell you if he did. Just be wary as you move forward with him. I definitely will. Totally. He's not out of the woods yet. Of course, I Google-stalked her after my encounter with her, and it took all I had not to reach out to her to ask her for her side of the story. But then I'D be the crazy one, because who would go through that much trouble for someone after only a month in?
katiegrl Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I think he said it was about 9 months ago, so it's been a good while. I'm going to try not to concern myself with her, but it's hard. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing on my part. Whenever I date someone new, I always wonder what their ex-girlfriends were like, if they were prettier, smarter. Luckily, I've never had to meet any of them, though, so it's always just been a thought in my head. Oh I am sure it would have made you feel sooooooo much better had you discovered his ex was a former America's Top Model or something. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I was once involved with a piece of trash (and thank God she's gone), and all I can say about the experience is that pieces of trash can be very charming and that lonely guys make mistakes. Maybe so. I just have a hard time seeing how he could be lonely. I find him to be quite attractive, though not the usual alpha-male type that I go for. He is, however, very shy and quite an introvert. That may have something to do with it. Maybe he has a hard time approaching women in general, and this woman was in the right place at the right time.
JewelD Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I definitely will. Totally. He's not out of the woods yet. Of course, I Google-stalked her after my encounter with her, and it took all I had not to reach out to her to ask her for her side of the story. But then I'D be the crazy one, because who would go through that much trouble for someone after only a month in? Yeah, not to mention, she's probably not happy you're dating him and might embellish a little to piss you off. Don't worry too much about it, if he's a jerk, it won't take long for you to see it for yourself. 1
kendahke Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Did he say she was drug addicted or is that just speculation? People get over break ups in their own way. She may not be over what transpired and the injury is still pretty painful to her. I just find it suspect that he and she both ended up in the same place in the same large city on the same night. 1
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Relationships end, but if it's been 9mos and she's yelling at him like that in public, she might be crazy or he might have done something really foul. He's not going to tell you if he did. Just be wary as you move forward with him. I agree. Just be careful here, some men can be crazy making. 3
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Well in his defense, he stopped seeing her didn't he? Obviously he felt he could do better, so he broke up with her and found you! This reminds me of the woman who, when an older or unattractive man approaches and asks her out, she's insulted! In her mind she's thinking. "What makes him think a woman like me would ever even consider going out with him? Unless he thinks I am unattractive myself." It's pretty judgmental. Think positive! He knew he could do better, so again he ended it with her... and then he found you, a total prize. He hit the jackpot! That's very true. He did stop seeing her, and he kinda made it seem like he didn't know what he was thinking even dating her. He said he never actually even referred to her as his girlfriend, which raised another red flag with me. I would never date someone for two years without being known as their girlfriend. That's just awful. And yes, it is pretty judgmental, and I hate that I'm even thinking this way. It's a new emotion. I've never been confronted by a guy's ex before. Much less, a super trashy one.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Oh I am sure it would have made you feel sooooooo much better had you discovered his ex was a former America's Top Model or something. Ha! And you know I would've been on this forum complaining about THAT as well. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Yeah, not to mention, she's probably not happy you're dating him and might embellish a little to piss you off. Don't worry too much about it, if he's a jerk, it won't take long for you to see it for yourself. True. The day after this happened, he asked me to let him "prove" that he's a good guy. I was really touched and flattered by that statement, but I've learned that actions speak louder than words, so we'll see. If she's right, I'll know soon enough.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Did he say she was drug addicted or is that just speculation? People get over break ups in their own way. She may not be over what transpired and the injury is still pretty painful to her. I just find it suspect that he and she both ended up in the same place in the same large city on the same night. It was speculation, but he confirmed that she's a drug-user. And she really did seem kinda out of it. Her head was shaky, and she was kinda glassy-eyed (of course, that could've been from the tears). BUT... you do bring up a great question. I asked him about it. Turns out, he texted her earlier that day to wish her a happy holiday (the 4th is a holiday here in the States). WTF. Apparently, he asked what she was getting into, and she didn't respond until we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. I think they had a mutual friend that was performing there that night. That's when he realized that we were going to run into her, but he didn't say anything. He later apologized and said he should've said something, but he was hoping she wouldn't see us. So, there's another red flag. He's still in contact with his crazy ex. Great.
JewelD Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 It was speculation, but he confirmed that she's a drug-user. And she really did seem kinda out of it. Her head was shaky, and she was kinda glassy-eyed (of course, that could've been from the tears). BUT... you do bring up a great question. I asked him about it. Turns out, he texted her earlier that day to wish her a happy holiday (the 4th is a holiday here in the States). WTF. Apparently, he asked what she was getting into, and she didn't respond until we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. I think they had a mutual friend that was performing there that night. That's when he realized that we were going to run into her, but he didn't say anything. He later apologized and said he should've said something, but he was hoping she wouldn't see us. So, there's another red flag. He's still in contact with his crazy ex. Great. Oh fk this guy. She's 'crazy' but he's texting her happy 4th of July?? (which is not that big of a holiday that you would text someone about it unless you just wanted to talk to them). I mean, I guess there's nothing horrible about him being friends with her, it's moreso the part that he's trying to talk down on her to make you think you have nothing to worry about. He should have taken you somewhere else once he realized she was there. He's sketchy for sure. 5
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Oh fk this guy. She's 'crazy' but he's texting her happy 4th of July?? (which is not that big of a holiday that you would text someone about it unless you just wanted to talk to them). I mean, I guess there's nothing horrible about him being friends with her, it's moreso the part that he's trying to talk down on her to make you think you have nothing to worry about. He should have taken you somewhere else once he realized she was there. He's sketchy for sure. Yeah, that part is bothering me as well, and his explanation didn't really hold water. He said he should've made "better choices" that day. Apparently, he does still consider her a friend, but they’re no longer dating. He said he didn’t want to abandon her when she had her health scare, so I guess that’s why he stuck around and remained friends with her. But still. We did leave immediately after it happened, but that was because I wanted to. Plus, we had reached the end of our dinner, and the place was beginning to close for the night.
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