Physical Attraction

[WhirlwindGuy]

Wanted to ask the LS collective. Can you seriously get involved with someone you may not be completely attracted to?

 

 

I went out last night with someone who messaged me out of the blue on match. She seemed cute in her pictures, but they were the standard careful angled pictures to highlight good features (girls are great at this).

 

 

We met and I felt a bit deflated. She wasn't what I expected...kind of cute, but bigger than I typically like...just didn't have that initial physical attraction.

 

 

We had coffee and I started to see certain traits about her that I really thought were nice. For one, the intellectual spark was totally there. We like the same things, can chat about anything, she is smart, well spoken, driven, has a great career...etc.

 

 

As the night progressed I found myself finding things about her that I thought were attractive, but I just don't know...Is that to be expected sometimes?

 

 

Basically the problem is I told myself when I started dating that I wanted to be with someone relatively fit...they don't have to be a gym rat...im not a gym rat...but I cant do unhealthy...I was unhealthy for years, as was my ex wife, and I made a huge commitment to change that and I have done well. I wanted someone with that same mindset...

 

 

So what to do? looks can be changed, her personality and character is amazing...and the more I talk to her the more I like it...Im conflicted I guess.

 

 

I guess as an add...she is really into me. She sent me some long texts today at work about how much she felt like she connects with me, how much of a catch I am...how she feels so happy to have met me, etc...I'm trying to be nice, but not lead on either, until I figure out what I want from this, or if I want anything...right now Im leaning to just saying F it...she can get healthy and lose some weight...she has everything else...I just don't know...

[SwordofFlame]

Speaking as a fellow man, the answer is no. I've tried. It just feels like a platonic friendship and nothing more.

[Gaeta]

I told my story a couple of times on here but here it is again just for you.

 

When I met my boyfriend I didn't feel attraction like I was used to. When he came in a little voice in me said 'nope'. He was very tall and I don't need that tall I am just 5'3'' and he was beyond thin. He is 6'2'' and 175-lbs. You get the picture. So I went through the motion and did the coffee date. When I left I told myself I'd sent him a text thank you and good luck.

 

Then he stayed in my mind. He had felt genuine to me and it had been a long time since I had met a genuine gentleman. He invited me on a 2nd date and I decided to give him another try.

 

Second date I see him walking toward me and I am thinking...not bad at all, he's well dressed, well groomed, he opened doors, payed, always showed me the way, was extra careful with me. I was like hhhmmmm I could live with that.

 

Third date comes around and what do you know! I liked his humor, his smile, I'd look at him and think 'that's a good looking man!' why I didn't see that on our first date!! More I looked at him more I found him sexy and desirable. Eventually we slept together and I was completely sold. Now he is the nicest, sexiest in my eyes.

 

And one thing lead to another one and here we are 8 months later in one of the best most fulfilling relationship I had in many years.

[MightyPen]

I'd give it another date. Maybe she will grow on you. I just think that since she checks so many of your boxes, that you owe it to yourself and to her to give her another shot.

 

If, after the second date, images of having sex with her aren't dancing in your brain, then yeah I'd say let it go.

[mizunomead]

The gal i am currently dating. I thought she was cute on first meeting, but didnt blow my doors off. She had a little extra around her midsection. Nothing major, no doubt weight right inline with her height. But it was something physically i was not used to.

Mentally we hit it off so well that i went for a second date, but it was still on my mind. By the end of the third date i wasn't thinking about it. She blew my socks off when we slept together.

Currently my thought is that she has a bit of a belly, so do I, and i don't really care lol.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I told my story a couple of times on here but here it is again just for you.

 

When I met my boyfriend I didn't feel attraction like I was used to. When he came in a little voice in me said 'nope'. He was very tall and I don't need that tall I am just 5'3'' and he was beyond thin. He is 6'2'' and 175-lbs. You get the picture. So I went through the motion and did the coffee date. When I left I told myself I'd sent him a text thank you and good luck.

 

Then he stayed in my mind. He had felt genuine to me and it had been a long time since I had met a genuine gentleman. He invited me on a 2nd date and I decided to give him another try.

 

Second date I see him walking toward me and I am thinking...not bad at all, he's well dressed, well groomed, he opened doors, payed, always showed me the way, was extra careful with me. I was like hhhmmmm I could live with that.

 

Third date comes around and what do you know! I liked his humor, his smile, I'd look at him and think 'that's a good looking man!' why I didn't see that on our first date!! More I looked at him more I found him sexy and desirable. Eventually we slept together and I was completely sold. Now he is the nicest, sexiest in my eyes.

 

And one thing lead to another one and here we are 8 months later in one of the best most fulfilling relationship I had in many years.

 

 

Thank you...I guess I am trying to see this as a possibility.

 

 

I think, if I am being honest with myself, my motives in dating have been pretty selfish. I have always been a guy who really didn't care too much about looks. I always was more attracted to a person for everything else and looks were just a bonus.

 

 

I feel like I am an attractive man, and my friends constantly told me throughout my life that I "could do better" with women. Part of the reason I think my ex and I got divorced was because I was never that physically attracted to her...so we lost a lot of the romance in our marriage throughout.

 

 

So when I started dating again, I told myself that I was going to make looks a priority. I was going to find someone fit, sexy, etc. Like I said, I don't need supermodel fit and sexy, just someone that fit the mold of what I think is fit and sexy...So now I find someone that I kind of feel like I may click with, she totally clicks with me and seems very into me...and I am kind of sighing thinking...damnit...am I willing to give up the looks again, for a really cool, nice person?

 

 

Seems totally shallow, I get it...but I am just trying to be honest with myself.

[Maggie888]

She may not want to lose weight, or may not be capable of it. For whatever reason. You cant go in on the expectation she is going to lose weight in the near future.

[WhirlwindGuy]

She may not want to lose weight, or may not be capable of it. For whatever reason. You cant go in on the expectation she is going to lose weight in the near future.

 

 

 

Right, you are correct. She may be happy that way.

[Gaeta]

 

Seems totally shallow, I get it...but I am just trying to be honest with myself.

 

I had always dates super fit sexy men. I was used to date and go out with body builders, men 10 years younger drop-dead gorgeous, name it. It did not bring me a good connection and a good relationship. I would never trade what I have now for a pair of muscled biceps.

 

If you want to date hot, then go ahead and date hot. Maybe you need to get it out of your system like I did. Then once you've been around enough hot chicks you'll want something with more depth.

[CryForNoOne]

I'd say go for another date. Looks are important but not the only thing. If you still click after several dates I suggest subtly introducing a more active lifestyle for both of you. Don't say you want her to lose weight. Just eat healthy together and maybe start some good couples activities for staying in shape like tennis, hiking, or cycling. If she sees it's an important part of your life she'll either adapt or not. Then decide if you are OK with that.

[CryForNoOne]

She may not want to lose weight, or may not be capable of it. For whatever reason. You cant go in on the expectation she is going to lose weight in the near future.

 

She might be normal and not thin, which is her prerogative. But if she's overweight, I know of no woman who is happy about that. Also ANYBODY can lose weight...

[RecentChange]

I noticed you said you want healthy / active / fit, and I think that is totally understandable. And not someone who is unhealthy/ inactive.

 

Curious, how much extra weight are we talking about? Why I ask, is I carry some extra pounds for sure, I m far from skinny. But I eat pretty well, I am active, running 3-4 miles 5 days a week. I have just never been a thin person (nor has anyone in my family besides my sister with an eating disorder)

 

I know a lot of women who are much thinner than I am, but not nearly as active, or "fit" in the cardio sense.

 

I tend to think "fat lady running" when I am out on my daily jog.

 

Just wondering if that is a possibility here. Are you not attracted to her body at all, or is it the association that fat has with a life style of not watching ones health?

[CryForNoOne]

He was very tall and I don't need that tall I am just 5'3'' and he was beyond thin. He is 6'2'' and 175-lbs.

 

Beyond thin??? I'm 6'1 185 and feel gross. I'm determined to get back to 175 which is a healthy weight!!!

[Gaeta]

Beyond thin??? I'm 6'1 185 and feel gross. I'm determined to get back to 175 which is a healthy weight!!!

 

Maybe you are what we call a skinny fat? My boyfriend is a competitive cyclist he has 0 fat on him.

[CryForNoOne]

Maybe you are what we call a skinny fat? My boyfriend is a competitive cyclist he has 0 fat on him.

 

Well then he's just very fit. You made him sound emaciated. That's actually ideal weight. It's just that 2/3 of the men in this country are overweight. Then they build muscle on top of that instead of losing weight to look good, but that isn't much healthier.

 

When I was 18 I was 6'1 145. That's beyond thin. I'm around 18% body fat at 185 and want to get back under 12% body fat or around 175.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Two pieces of advice;

 

1. NEVER go into a relationship thinking or hoping you can change them. You either want to be with them as they are now or don't bother barking up that tree. Not fair to them nor to you for that matter.

 

2. Like Gaeta, I too have found myself on many occasions falling hard for men who wouldn't have normally registered on my radar physically speaking. Ironically, each and every single one of those relationships have been both surprising and profoundly satisfying in so many ways and some of the best relationships I've had with men.

 

Why? Because they all had something much much more to them than just their looks. Yes, physical attraction is important but attractions comes from other aspects as well. And it can grow if you're willing and open to allow it. All those men I dated that fit this category turned into the hottest specimens walking the planet in my eyes.

 

Unfortunately I've noticed that it's the women who seem to be more open minded than most men. Which is a shame but there you have it.

 

Regardless, you either give it a try with this girl as is based on the things you really enjoy about her or forget it. Don't go into this hoping to turn an ugly duckling into swan.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Maggie888]

Then once you've been around enough hot chicks you'll want something with more depth.

 

Actually, it is very possible a woman can be hot AND have depth. As much depth or even more than a non-hot chic. The two arent mutually exclusive.

 

I think with women, its not difficult for them to becomes sexually attracted to someone b/c of their mind. Men can as well but not as easily.

 

Telling OP to date her then start trying to get her to eat healthy and exercise with him in the hopes she loses weight is a bad idea. Most girls GAIN weight when they start dating a man often b/c of all the eating out, and cooking of big manly meals. WHen I'm single I eat popcorn for dinner. When Im dating or in a relationship I eat steak or whatever, b/c popcorn isnt going to fill my boyfriend up.

[Leigh 87]

I noticed you said you want healthy / active / fit, and I think that is totally understandable. And not someone who is unhealthy/ inactive.

 

Curious, how much extra weight are we talking about? Why I ask, is I carry some extra pounds for sure, I m far from skinny. But I eat pretty well, I am active, running 3-4 miles 5 days a week. I have just never been a thin person (nor has anyone in my family besides my sister with an eating disorder)

 

I know a lot of women who are much thinner than I am, but not nearly as active, or "fit" in the cardio sense.

 

I tend to think "fat lady running" when I am out on my daily jog.

 

Just wondering if that is a possibility here. Are you not attracted to her body at all, or is it the association that fat has with a life style of not watching ones health?

 

 

 

Great point.

 

I am naturally slim. 30 year old fenale. Do absolutely no exercise. Men often assume that I am fit anr active:lmao:

 

Many men have active lives; yet that would NOT suit me since I prefer to chill and watch dvds all day!

[Leigh 87]

Two pieces of advice;

 

1. NEVER go into a relationship thinking or hoping you can change them. You either want to be with them as they are now or don't bother barking up that tree. Not fair to them nor to you for that matter.

 

2. Like Gaeta, I too have found myself on many occasions falling hard for men who wouldn't have normally registered on my radar physically speaking. Ironically, each and every single one of those relationships have been both surprising and profoundly satisfying in so many ways and some of the best relationships I've had with men.

 

Why? Because they all had something much much more to them than just their looks. Yes, physical attraction is important but attractions comes from other aspects as well. And it can grow if you're willing and open to allow it. All those men I dated that fit this category turned into the hottest specimens walking the planet in my eyes.

 

Unfortunately I've noticed that it's the women who seem to be more open minded than most men. Which is a shame but there you have it.

 

Regardless, you either give it a try with this girl as is based on the things you really enjoy about her or forget it. Don't go into this hoping to turn an ugly duckling into swan.

 

Good luck.

 

Same.

 

I am dating a hottie now but prior to him, I got the hots for men who were not the bulging biceps men that other women fancied.

 

 

The thing was..... I never went into it thinkijg " oh dear, I am not blown away by then yet"

 

They didn't have to grow on me. Despite their lack of features that most women need in order to to gaga and googley eyed..... I felt the chemistry INSTANTLY.

 

SO..... I am not an 8/10 " hot" women either and yet I didn't have to " grow" on many men!

 

One can ACKNOWLEDGE that a person is not " hot" and yet still feel the spark and heat....

 

I do not get why peopoe correlate being universally " hot" with being hooked/ into someone....

 

To me the girl simply did not knock his socks off. He didn't feel any compellijg chemistry.....

 

He could very well get his socks knocked off by an average girl!

[Gaeta]

Actually, it is very possible a woman can be hot AND have depth. As much depth or even more than a non-hot chic. The two arent mutually exclusive.

 

You're right but if I look at my experience with dating hot dudes, very few had depth and lots of players.

 

But that being said maybe OP does not want to date hot chicks, he just wants an average good looking healthy weight kind of girl.

 

Still waiting how much over-weight we're talking about. Is it like 10-lbs over weight or 50-lbs.

 

My story is with dating a man thinner than my usual but being thinner is still better than being overweight. His thinness does not prevent him from being active. Dating a woman with some extra weight on that is constantly self conscious, that doesn't want to put a bathing suit on, doesn't want to do this or cannot do that, OP is better to stay away from that.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Same.

 

I am dating a hottie now but prior to him, I got the hots for men who were not the bulging biceps men that other women fancied.

 

 

The thing was..... I never went into it thinkijg " oh dear, I am not blown away by then yet"

 

They didn't have to grow on me. Despite their lack of features that most women need in order to to gaga and googley eyed..... I felt the chemistry INSTANTLY.

 

SO..... I am not an 8/10 " hot" women either and yet I didn't have to " grow" on many men!

 

One can ACKNOWLEDGE that a person is not " hot" and yet still feel the spark and heat....

 

I do not get why peopoe correlate being universally " hot" with being hooked/ into someone....

 

To me the girl simply did not knock his socks off. He didn't feel any compellijg chemistry.....

 

He could very well get his socks knocked off by an average girl!

 

There are so many things that are extremely appealing to me about here. I really wish she had more shape I guess. I don't need you to be a model, but have decent legs, sexy waste / hips, backside, etc. the boxy kind of look is hard for me to find appealing.

 

I want to like her, she is a phenomenal girl. We are supposed to go out again Saturday. I just worry that she is going to get attached and if I end up not being able to get there, I'm going to have to really upset her. She has been through a lot in her life, and I'd really hate to have to do that.

[WhirlwindGuy]

You're right but if I look at my experience with dating hot dudes, very few had depth and lots of players.

 

But that being said maybe OP does not want to date hot chicks, he just wants an average good looking healthy weight kind of girl.

 

Still waiting how much over-weight we're talking about. Is it like 10-lbs over weight or 50-lbs.

 

My story is with dating a man thinner than my usual but being thinner is still better than being overweight. His thinness does not prevent him from being active. Dating a woman with some extra weight on that is constantly self conscious, that doesn't want to put a bathing suit on, doesn't want to do this or cannot do that, OP is better to stay away from that.

 

I would say if she lost 25lbs, she would be almost perfect. 30 to 35 and she would be hot.

 

She was in an abusive marriage before. She used to be fit but kind of let herself go.

[Gaeta]

WwG you are ahead of yourself. You won't break her heart by giving this a second or 3rd date. We all know in the world of online the first 3 dates are freebees.

[Maggie888]

well just to give us an idea of what you are dealing with: if a 10 would be your ideal version of a woman physically, and a 0 would be the opposite ie the type(s) of physique that you have no attraction for, then where would this lady fall?

 

Is it that she is overweight or moreso that you just dont like her body shape. there are many thin girls who are boxy with no curves or real "shape" in the traditional sense. How much weight would she have to lose for you to be attracted to her? If its 15 lbs thats maybe something realistic, but if its 40 lbs then nah

[WhirlwindGuy]

well just to give us an idea of what you are dealing with: if a 10 would be your ideal version of a woman physically, and a 0 would be the opposite ie the type(s) of physique that you have no attraction for, then where would this lady fall?

 

Is it that she is overweight or moreso that you just dont like her body shape. there are many thin girls who are boxy with no curves or real "shape" in the traditional sense. How much weight would she have to lose for you to be attracted to her? If its 15 lbs thats maybe something realistic, but if its 40 lbs then nah

 

I honestly find some chunkier girls very attractive. It just has to be proportional I guess.

 

I'd say looks wise, on my scale, she would be a 4. There are certain things that she does though, it's hard to explain, smile, laugh, etc. that turn that 4 into a 6. It's adorable.

 

She sent me pictures of her from a few years back and she was thinner and I think she is extremely cute.

 

One thing I failed to mention too, she is in remission from having ovarian cancer...during chemo she got pregnant with her son who is now 10 months old... So she has been through the mill the past couple of years.