Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) I dated a girl for 5 months and she dumped me for not being sexually attracted. I just don't know why she dated me if she didn't think I was handsome or attractive. Surely she could have saved herself some time and rejected me on the first couple of dates. It is only a few weeks ago that she questioned her attraction to me. I'm a liitle but annoyed because why date me if you don't think I'm attractive? But we have had sex quite a few times and a lot of times she would initiate. Once she was in my city only for a meal but she dragged me into a travel lodge hotel to have sex. We also had stayed in hotels and had sex and she would invite me to get house to have sex. About 3 weeks ago she said she thought the relationship was going well. I don't know whats happened?! Surely my face and body has been the same all the way through. Noticeably, the relationship doesnt have sparks. Which is surprising because i do consider her to be attractive - but i havent been caught by any romantic love bug. Even heing dumped doesnt hurt that much. But i really liked her and think its a shame to part. Edited July 7, 2016 by Rimbaud59
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Honestly, that's probably not the real reason she ended it. It sounds like she indeed was attracted, based on your description. But telling someone you're not sexually attracted usually hammers the nail into the coffin; there's not much the dumpee can respond with. But I admit I don't fully understand what you mean by not having any sparks. Do you mean you liked the sex but weren't really falling for her?
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I dated a girl for 5 months and she dumped me for not being sexually attracted. I just don't know why she dated me if she didn't think I was handsome or attractive. Surely she could have saved herself some time and rejected me on the first couple of dates. It is only a few weeks ago that she questioned her attraction to me. I'm a liitle but annoyed because why date me if you don't think I'm attractive? But we have had sex quite a few times and a lot of times she would initiate. Once she was in my city only for a meal but she dragged me into a travel lodge hotel to have sex. We also had stayed in hotels and had sex and she would invite me to get house to have sex. About 3 weeks ago she said she thought the relationship was going well. I don't know whats happened?! Surely my face and body has been the same all the way through. Noticeably, the relationship doesnt have sparks. Which is surprising because i do consider her to be attractive - but i havent been caught by any romantic love bug. Even heing dumped doesnt hurt that much. But i really liked her and think its a shame to part. The relationship simply wasn't working for her enough to want to keep it going. She just picked that excuse out of the hat without thinking about the overall message she'd been sending -- i.e. she was having sex with you regularly which should mean attraction. Frankly, to me it sounds like she was just in it for the sex, regardless of attraction. Perhaps that's her center of validation -- guy has sex with me, I'm cool, pretty, whatever. She just got enough of what she needed from it and now needs a fresh piece.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) She said at first she was into me, but now she's not. She said we have great compatabilty and laughter but no spark. I felt no spark either, despite thinking she was very attractive. I haven't fallen for her romantically whatsoever. Even though I do like to have sex and kiss her there's been no fireworks or anxiety. But I like it better this way. I was really planning a future with her. At the time of dumping we hadn't had sex in a month, but she misses me loads and we were going to have sex but forgot condoms. The other two weeks were because of period and being at a live sporting event. I see her infrequently. Edited July 7, 2016 by Rimbaud59
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 The relationship simply wasn't working for her enough to want to keep it going. She just picked that excuse out of the hat without thinking about the overall message she'd been sending -- i.e. she was having sex with you regularly which should mean attraction. Frankly, to me it sounds like she was just in it for the sex, regardless of attraction. Perhaps that's her center of validation -- guy has sex with me, I'm cool, pretty, whatever. She just got enough of what she needed from it and now needs a fresh piece. I had to pry for that reason. At first she said it was to do with spark but later admitted that was a cover for sexual attraction. Could it be there's a difference between finding someone attractive and sexual attraction? When we first started dating she would initiate sex by saying she really liked me. I took that as attraction.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Surely by 3 months after having sex twice in a hotel she should have known whether she finds me attractive or not? We then proceeded to have a night out and she was missing me constantly. Then she got drunk, told me she loved me and snogged my face off. It's frustrating because surely in the first few dates she should know if she finds me attractive, and considering we're having dates and she's initiating sex it feels that way. It does kind of feel like we're friends because neither of us has fallen romantically.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 This has happened before to me, but this is not that type of girl.
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I had to pry for that reason. At first she said it was to do with spark but later admitted that was a cover for sexual attraction. Could it be there's a difference between finding someone attractive and sexual attraction? When we first started dating she would initiate sex by saying she really liked me. I took that as attraction. I think attraction can take many forms and whilst initially she liked you, once the newness wore off, maybe there was nothing left. Sex was maybe boring for her, or she felt you were a bit unenthusiastic, you did say she initiated a lot. Maybe she thought you were incompatible sexually. Maybe it wasn't that enjoyable for her, maybe she thought it would improve with time. Maybe she sensed you were not that into her and pulled the plug before you did. Maybe she just lost interest. Maybe she just found someone else, who knows? But only dating for 5 months and no sex for the whole last month sounds bad, why couldn't you find condoms?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 This has happened before to me, but this is not that type of girl. Then assume she's being honest and lost attraction, for whatever reason. You said neither of you had fallen romantically. Sounds like she knew it wasn't sustainable, long-term. Most women, myself included, won't stick around for a long time if we don't feel a deeper connection. Don't overthink it. She has her reasons, though they don't make a lot of sense to you.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I was into her. Even if I wasn't in love. I like not being in love. I had a relationship before that was so much more intense and sexual, but I prefer this. The irony is is that this girl, the one I haven't remotely fallen for, is more attractive than the girl I was obsessed with. I just thought I had condoms when in fact I didn't. Amateur error. A month sounds a long to.e it we met probably 3 times in that period. She had a period on one of those days too. I starting to think she means sexual attraction as a feeling rather than a commentary on my looks.
carhill Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Accept that it (sexual and/or emotional attraction) can change at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all. The good news is, as another poster put it, the nails are in the coffin so bury it, grieve it as appropriate and move on. The more it happens, and it will, the easier it gets. Also, cremation becomes more expedient and efficient and economical. Nails can be tedious, as is digging the hole.
VeveCakes Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Oh my god ... don't get so worked up over it. I have been attracted to someone and then lost the attraction after a month. It's called getting bored. Don't take it personally. Methinks you were more attached than you realize.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I was into her. Even if I wasn't in love. I like not being in love. I had a relationship before that was so much more intense and sexual, but I prefer this. The irony is is that this girl, the one I haven't remotely fallen for, is more attractive than the girl I was obsessed with. I just thought I had condoms when in fact I didn't. Amateur error. A month sounds a long to.e it we met probably 3 times in that period. She had a period on one of those days too. I starting to think she means sexual attraction as a feeling rather than a commentary on my looks. It's not a commentary on your looks. For women, it is often about a feeling. We can think a man is physically attractive but sometimes the sexual desire just isn't there. It can fade. It's happened to me, too. As I said, don't overthink it. You seem to have fallen for her whether you admit it or not. 1
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 It's not a commentary on your looks. For women, it is often about a feeling. We can think a man is physically attractive but sometimes the sexual desire just isn't there. It can fade. It's happened to me, too. As I said, don't overthink it. You seem to have fallen for her whether you admit it or not. I was attached. I really liked her. I'm not in-love with her though. I don't crave her. I wasn't anxious if she didn't ring (she always rang), and I wasn't caught up emotionally about when I would see her. But, I repeat, I liked this.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 It's not a commentary on your looks. For women, it is often about a feeling. We can think a man is physically attractive but sometimes the sexual desire just isn't there. It can fade. It's happened to me, too. As I said, don't overthink it. You seem to have fallen for her whether you admit it or not. Thanks for that. As a guy, I don't understand what attraction means as in-and-of-itself. As a guy, I find he idea of sexual desire fading as mysterious. She did mention her perception of me had changed.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 It's not a commentary on your looks. For women, it is often about a feeling. We can think a man is physically attractive but sometimes the sexual desire just isn't there. It can fade. It's happened to me, too. As I said, don't overthink it. You seem to have fallen for her whether you admit it or not. I guess that's what she meant when she said: '' I was really into you but now I'm not. The relationship has just fizzled.'
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Thanks for that. As a guy, I don't understand what attraction means as in-and-of-itself. As a guy, I find he idea of sexual desire fading as mysterious. She did mention her perception of me had changed. This is more significant. When that happens, it's hard to get feelings back.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I didn't really know what she meant by that.
RecentChange Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I find it curious that you "saw a future" with someone you didn't love, wasn't emotionally connected to, didn't pine for etc - why? You just prefer things with a lack of passion? In my experience, you have to have that "something special" with an SO to work through difficulties that every couple will ultimately face. Back to the loss of attraction - Oy, this has happened to me a number of times! Usually its that I am so / so about him physically, or maybe I even found him "hot" at first - but over time something about his personality rubs me the wrong way to the point I end up practically repulsed by him (usually if he is too needy, door mat type - I lose all attraction). It happens. 1
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I was attached. I really liked her. I'm not in-love with her though. I don't crave her. I wasn't anxious if she didn't ring (she always rang), and I wasn't caught up emotionally about when I would see her. But, I repeat, I liked this. I get the impression here and maybe I am wrong but she seems to have been the one putting the effort in. Whilst you loved the attention, you were pretty nonchalant, you even forgot the condoms... She initiated, she dragged you to a hotel, she told you she loved you, she rang you, she snogged the face off you. Maybe she just got tired of being the enthusiastic one... 3
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 She did mention her perception of me had changed. I guess when she first met you, she had a perception of who you were. She wrote a little story in her head about you, but as she got to know you, she realized her little story was not who you actually were. As she has now dumped you, I guess she was somewhat disappointed. A bit like meeting Prince Charming, and assuming he is so kind, he is clever, he loves kids and small furry animals... to later find he isn't that kind, he is as thick as mince and hates kids and is allergic to anything furry...
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