My GF's bi-sexual and has a crush on two other people, how can i cope?

[DrowningButSurviving]

I've been in a relationship with a girl for a almost 10 months, a few months ago she told me that she had a crush on one of my male friends. Some time passed and she told me that she no longer had feelings for him, however she only said this to comfort me, wich backfired as it only made me feel more insecure, when she realised that she was honest with me. After a while I learned to somewhat cope with it. But that's not the part I really need advice on, a week ago she told me that she was often tempted to kiss one of her best friends (who is pan-sexual), they allready have a closeness wich made me uncomfortable before. After she told me this it feels like my head is exploding, I have no way of coping with all of this. Because of the vacation I have barly seen her the past three weeks, and currently she's on a course with this friend. Ever since she told me I've been having trouble sleeping, I've had the same problem before when it's been long periods without me seeing her, but not nearly as bad. I know in my heart that she still loves me, and she has never done anything pointing towards the oposite. I love her so unbelievably much, and leaving her is not an option. We have been through very much as I had suicidal thoughts before I got with her. My psychologist currently suspects me to be bi-polar, and she has the diagnose clinical depression. I'm not gonna give up on her, but all of this is hard to cope with. This is the girl who possibly saved my life. I know the chances are slim, but I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, she has told me that she feels the same. I trust her completly, but I'm still feeling really insecure. I'm looking for advice to get ridd of this insecurity and pain. even if I don't get any, I won't give up on her. I'll gladly og through hell for her, she's worth it.

But I wouldn't mind getting more than two hours of sleep at night (or rather in the morning), so any serious and good advice will be greatly appreciated. Please help.

 

PS. Sorry for the messy post, but I'm desperate

[Gaeta]

Being bi-sexual is not a calling card for having sex or kissing around other women. Monogamy means only sex with you, period.

 

That being said, if you suffer from depression and possibly BP why in the heck do you pick a woman like that? You need someone who will give YOU all of her attention and not be interested in experimenting with co-workers, female friend and whatsnot.

 

Breaking up is not an option? Hon, go see your doctor, get yourself diagnosed, get on the meds that you need then you will realize that breaking up is the smartest option.

[kismetkismet]

Being bisexual is entirely besides the point here.. the point is that she has crushes on two people/is tempted to cheat and also told you about this?? What do you think is the motivation behind that, to make you jealous? It sounds quite disrespectful to me. Particularly if she is doing it when she knows you're sensitive about it.

 

The question isn't about her sexuality here, but about her relationship style. Cheating is cheating if you are in a monogamous relationship. Doesn't matter what gender or sex the other person is. However, it sounds like she may be less monogamous. Some people have less possessive boundaries around monogamy. Sometimes couples are ok with discussing crushes and flirting with other. Some couples are polyamorous and have relationships to varying degrees outside of their primary relationships - sometimes strictly physical, sometimes physical and emotional. It's important to discuss your personal boundaries around these kinds of things. That you are strictly monogamous physically, emotionally, and personally isn't necessarily an automatic given.

 

I'm bisexual, but 100% monogamous. I don't have to force myself to not cheat, and i don't miss sleeping with women when i'm in a relationship with a man. I genuinely feel very strongly about being devoted to one person at a time. But I know that not all people are like that and that's fine.. I think you need to have a discussion about your boundaries and what you want from a relationship.

[jen1447]

I don't say this lightly or dismissively, but your issues here are sth only a professional can help you with. You've got an irreconcilable conflict in being unable to tolerate your current situation and being unable to live w/out your current partner. No one here is likely to come up w a few sentences or paragraphs to magically fix that.

[DrowningButSurviving]

I know she won't cheat on me, she has had fantasies about kissing another girl, but i trust her enough to know that she won't do it. I'm not gonna give up on her just because things get hard. You may think I'm stupid, I think I'm stupid, but people do stupid Things for love. If things don't change, then maybe i'll break up with her, but that's last resort, and unless i become suicidal again, I'll stay with her. she will do anything i ask of her if it makes me feel better, but one thing i don't have the concience to is ask her to stop beeing around one of her best friends, they meet rarley enough allready.

[DrowningButSurviving]

I don't say this lightly or dismissively, but your issues here are sth only a professional can help you with. You've got an irreconcilable conflict in being unable to tolerate your current situation and being unable to live w/out your current partner. No one here is likely to come up w a few sentences or paragraphs to magically fix that.

I apreciate the response, but i'm allready seeing a therapist

[Jabron1]

Stop relying on other people so much is my advice.

 

You shouldn't need a woman to 'save you'.

[ExpatInItaly]

You girlfriend is not the right person for you. She isn't ready to commit.

 

Don't rely on other people to save you. That's not her job.

 

You say you want to get rid of the pain and insecurity - then get rid of this girl. There are plenty of others who will be interested in being only with you. This one is on a slippery slope to betraying you.

[smackie9]

Therapy will not work unless you are not dating someone....this relationship is creating the majority of your problems. You need to get out now. You are being codependent....being bipolar.....deadly combination.Discuss codependency with your therapist....and be VERY honest about your situation or the therapist can't help you.

[smackie9]

From what I see either you are not telling your therapist everything and nothing seems to be helping OR your therapist has suggested to you to end this relationship and that's why you come here to seek someone to tell you different.

[Hoosfoos]

You don't trust her - if you truly did, you wouldn't be wracked with anxiety and losing sleep.

[JewelD]

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was a teenager. It's a horrible thing to deal with even when you're not in a bad relationship, but she's going to send you into a downward spiral.

 

It doesn't matter if she wouldn't do it, the fact that she has those feelings and thinks it's acceptable to share them with you is disrespectful. The only time you tell your SO you want somebody else is when you plan on leaving them, and even then, it's still hurtful and cruel.

 

I'm an extremely sensitive person, too, so little things can tip me over the edge and lead me into a mini-depression where I don't do things I need to get done or I seriously think I can't get over this person or that I need them.

 

But you should put yourself first. and just think, would you ever say anything like that to her? Do you have crushes on other people and think about kissing them? No, you're totally wrapped up in her and you deserve someone who is just as wrapped up in you.

 

If it was real love, she wouldn't want anyone but you. Her honesty might seem refreshing, but it doesn't make what she's doing right. She's a human. Fully capable of deceiving you just like anybody else. Could you handle it if she came to you and told you she kissed someone else?

 

Easier said than done, because who wants to let go of someone they care about, but you have to move on from this girl. I know it sounds like an impossible idea, but it's going to happen whether you let her go or she hurts you and lets you go.

 

Idk what she did for you, but I wouldn't give a crap if a mf gave me a kidney, if they told me they had a crush on someone else, I'd kick their behind to the curb.

 

You'll go through Hell for her? You are already IN Hell. You want to go through more pain so you can continue to be in pain with her? It's a choice no one can make for you. If you're not ready to do it, you won't. But it's a big step if you really want to be free from some of the pain you're feeling.

 

You have pain. The solution is to get rid of what's causing it. and that's her.

 

Short term solutions if you don't want to dump her, suffer through it and pretend it's not happening. Tell her it bothers you and not to speak to you about it again.

[DrowningButSurviving]

I appreciate all the responses, but unfortunatly I'm an idiot. Sorry for waisting your time

[Hope4now]

Now stop that! You are not an idiot, you sound like a very caring and sensitive young man.

 

There is a reason however that you're attracted to someone like her. Is it low self esteem? Or destructive behavior? There's no way to tell, but would be a great topic to discuss with a good counselor. I know you've heard of women who are attracted to "bad boys", it's the same phenomenon in your case. Do you really see a happy future with this woman?

 

Please be kind to yourself and turn off that internal voice that is telling you that you don't deserve better, because you do!

[Poutrew]

Seriously, you need to break up with her. Her telling you those things is her way of testing you, to see what you are willing to do and how far you are willing to go down the rabbit hole for her. Think of it this way: If she were a predator, this would be her way of grooming you for some bad sh*t later on. As far as her bisex is concerned, I know what others say about making the decision to connect with one person, and never wanting or straying to the other side again. In my experience, and unfortunately I have had experience with a bisex girlfriend, this doesn't stay true forever. Eventually you will do something to piss her off and she will seek 'comfort' with her girl bestie. At the very least you will have to settle for being a male cuckold to her girlfriend. Seriously, its so common nowadays that I always directly ask a prospective long term girlfriend what her thoughts and views on lesbianism are before I allow myself to become emotionally vested in her. You'd be stunned to learn how many girls, who still consider themselves straight as an arrow, have had lesbian experiences in the past, and how little they think of it and can't understand why it would be a deal breaker to me.

[longjohn]

You might need a new girlfriend. This one sounds like her loins are firmly in control of what she wants. I'd jump ship find a girl that wants just you not you and every Tom, Dick and Harriett that passes by. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being attracted to other people or being honest. I'm saying from your post I get the impression she's in the isle shopping and your not pushing the cart you never were pushing the cart.

[bubbaganoosh]

I know she won't cheat on me, she has had fantasies about kissing another girl, but i trust her enough to know that she won't do it. I'm not gonna give up on her just because things get hard. You may think I'm stupid, I think I'm stupid, but people do stupid Things for love. If things don't change, then maybe i'll break up with her, but that's last resort, and unless i become suicidal again, I'll stay with her. she will do anything i ask of her if it makes me feel better, but one thing i don't have the concience to is ask her to stop beeing around one of her best friends, they meet rarley enough allready.

 

I think she's trying to feel you out and see if she can get away with it. Basically it comes down to this. Just because she's bi doesn't give her a pass to go have her fun with a woman. That's just a feeble excuse to cheat.

 

Honestly if you have all these issue with your mental health then this woman is going to make it worse. If I were you I would move on.

[DrowningButSurviving]

It seems like you've misunderstood. I know she didn't tell me to make me jelous, as it was me who noticed something was bothering her, and begged her to tell me what was wrong. She's in no way a "bad girl", she is the smartest, kindest, most selfless and understnding girl i've ever met, who always does anything she can to help the people around her. This is not the girl who would cheat on me with some crush, I've been with that kind of girl before. I'm not with this girl because of low selfesteem, what i can do is good enough, and i don't care what people think of me, i do wierd ****. I say I'm an idiot because we all are in one way or another. So to sum it up, I'm with this girl beacause I love her. She's not some bitch who wants to test my boundries, the only reason i know is because i insisted on knowing. She's an amazing girl going through a tough and confusing time, and i want to help her, i just didn't have the strength. But what i really want to say is: the only thing i've learned from this site is that you're strangers, you don't know me or my girlfriend, but you've still teached me something important. This is something i have to deal with myself, I'm the only one who knows all the facts, and how much i'm willing to sacrifice. This post helped me, but not in the way i expected. So thank you for helping me realise it, and i'm allready feeling better, i actually got some good sleep last night.