Witness, a carnival of pain (I just need to express my breakup to move on) :p

[Rick_Ralty]

I need to express my pain in order to find a way out. I'm going to be brutally honest with myself and all of you. I expect no less from any of you. I just want the cold hard truth.

 

--- The Break Up ---

 

My girlfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me. We are the same age (27).

 

She was moving to another city to pursue her education and she wanted a break - saying she wanted to “date herself.” It seemed like she was grasping for reasons to end it, the most particularly hurtful was that I was bad at sex (her blowjobs kind of sucked but I never told her that) - tough later clarified as she wasn't able to voice her preferences. I do believe she was saying hurtful things to get me to break up with her. I convinced her that we didn’t have to end our relationship. We tried for the next few weeks which seemed mostly perfect. Even though I didn't totally trust her, she was telling her friends that the sex was good - at least, that's what she told me. However, I feel like I let my insecurity and clinginess get the better of me when I was overseas, I was insisting I should be a priority – which is wrong, I want her to succeed at school and life. After I returned, I stayed with her for a few days, there were warning signs but we hung out, laughed, and made love and then she broke up with me.

 

She said she felt trapped but also that she wants to work on herself, and figure out who she is and what she wants out of life, and learn to not be dependent on a man to be happy - to be fair, I think she’s spent more time of her life in a relationship vs alone. She said she had never felt like this about anyone and we have been each other's’ longest relationships. She mentioned that I have been an incredible source of strength in her life during times of duress and also as a major factor in helping her grow. She said it would be wonderful if we remained friends to which I disagreed – I told her I could never heal if we were friends. She said she loves me while she was breaking up and that she wishes life could turn out in such a way that we got back together after she finished school.

 

I honestly (or naively) believe her, she’s self-conscious about being in her late 20s and not having much of a career or anything to show for it. She said being in a committed relationship was too much pressure – combined with several summer courses and trying to find a steady job. On the other hand, she just moved to a city she absolutely loves and found a social life she absolutely adores. I believe part of it is that this college experience is new to her and she wants to be free to explore it.. She implied that perhaps the awe of everything would eventually fade.

 

--- About Me ---

 

While she does fit a lot of the description associated with Gigs ("Grass is Greener" 'syndrome' = being a person), I don’t completely buy the one-sided gigs approach. I obviously had a lot to do with it, I’m going to hone up to it. And now, my problems. Even though she took the time to explain that it was mostly her (and not me), and that I had tried my best - having changed my personality for the better of the relationship (implying this was somewhat unstoppable)…

 

I proposed to her because I thought she was the one. This was the beginning of her feeling trapped. In the year leading to our end, she met new people in her life - the most influential of which was a woman friend moving on from a divorce and a new social life of people entering and exiting relationships. I doubled down on my hobbies - becoming oblivious to any warning signs. I also had insecurity issues which further soured the relationship. She considered me bi-polarish for lashing out (she hated the “walking on eggshells feeling” that was prevelant during her horrible childhood). She had mentioned at several points that I made great improvements to being more even mooded or able to control my anger and remain calm. Part of her also saw me as a man-child. I passed off adult responsibilities that we should have been doing together to her. She resented feeling, at times, like my mother.

 

Finally, this was my first love - I was like her 30-somethingth. As previously explained, while out of the country - I attempted to reject the feeling that she was pulling away. I attempted to demand a false sense of security from her through my clinginess and my fear of rejection. Toward the end, I presented myself as weak and unsteady - just depressed and desperate. Also, she is a very social butterfly, I'm a borderline misanthrope. I failed to be there for here in many of her social situations.

--- The Future ---

 

It hasn’t even been a week – I haven’t contacted her or vice versa, but I’m trying to focus on being happy myself and making sure that I’m not that insecure again. I’m trying to find out how to give myself the opportunity to pursue things I simply didn’t have time for in a relationship. But deep down inside, everything in my life is perfect, it’s just her that I’m missing. I really do mean that, I am an aspiring artist and academic, while I don't make bank, but I have a kickass job, as an individual I have spent the last several Summers solo-travelling in Europe. Individually, there have been times without her that my life has felt like a movie, I've felt like I had a well lived life with my experiences in hostels and living like a king. I'm really not trying to brag but the point is that those moments were completely dwarfed by the moments that I shared with her. That's why it's hard for me to accept people saying to move on and find other ways to be happy.

 

6 days later I have erased and threw away any traces of her I can think of. The last thing I did, was look her in the eye and tell her that I forgive her for everything. This has been the hardest part, making sure that anger and spite don't develop in me when it's just enticing to give into those emotions.

 

I don't have hope she'll come back. I do believe that she found what she has wanted. I do believe that's she's going to find happiness without me and I am at least appreciative that it happened sooner rather than later.

 

It is just tough to look myself in the eye and tell myself that:

- what she and I had is gone forever.

- The person who you sincerely thought you’d spend the rest of your life with is gone

- Those acid trips that you spent long hours with her, exploring the depths of each other’s souls - gone

- Those Sunday mornings filled with the steady ray of warmth and cuddling (and light - which she hated) - those mornings where leaving the bed was the last thing you wanted to do - gone

- Those long hours we could spend doing nothing - just staring at the ceiling, talking, not even high, not even bored - gone

 

Those were the most profound experiences I’ve ever had, gone, lost

 

 

Thank you.

 

---

 

I would be interesting in anyone's opinions about anything.

[bummer]

Trips are the best.

 

I'm just a month and change ahead of you from 1.5 years with similar themes of long distance and an end of clingy begging. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Good luck with NC. especially the social media. Beware of the crumbs. You'll probably feel much worse soon before you hit rock bottom.

 

I'll pile it on a bit, get ready for her to "just meet" a new boyfriend shortly. That is if you don't go NC. It sounds like you know "dating myself" is a coward's euphemism for "need other men now."

 

You sound reasonable and sane. Remember to grieve fully, deeply, and truly. Feel all the feels and work through your guilt, your anger, your false hope. Work it out on your own.

 

Take your time. Talk to us.