trueluV Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Hello, here I am again...so hurt and so lost... I don't know if i should post this in a long distance forum or marriage forum or break up forum, but i'll write it here. not sure where to start... i've been in a 5 year relationship, and 4 years being long distance (we've traveled numerous times to each other). in the 4th year mark, i quit my job and moved to his country (14 hours time difference from where i lived) to be together with him and thought we're closing the gap and we've moved to the next step of a relationship. however my visa in his country expired and i moved to a third country where my parents live. it was closer than the original country i moved from and thought we could meet more often than before and come up with a plan to be together again. however, after a few bumpy quarrels this year, he tells me he no longer wants to proceed with the marriage idea with me, and he's happy with continuing a long distance relationship with me like we've been. we're in our mid 30's, and though i'm not the traditional type to feel like marriage is the ultimate goal, i do think if there is a partner i love, i want to get married to him eventually. i told him i feel very frustrated and exhausted with this long distance relationship (two different countries, 4 years), but he said he's fine with it. Am i a fool to stay with him, in this relationship?? or stay and see how it goes, because we never know? or is there already an answer there, that nothing won't happen with him? am i so silly and foolish to let him have me like this? the thought of breaking up with him breaks my heart... but if there is no future and no hope, is it worth giving this relationship another try...? or is it already over...? thanks so much in advance. so hurt. it hurts to breathe.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Am i a fool to stay with him, in this relationship?? You're not a fool no, but it would be foolish to try to change his mind. He has stated what he wants for the future and it does not align with what you want. If your needs are not being met, and your goals for the future are different, then I don't see this relationship making you very happy in the long term. or is it already over...? Normally, when a relationship goes "backwards", it's dying a long, slow death. Going from marriage plans to no marriage plans is a big step backwards. Going from planning to move to the same country, to not planning that, is another big step backwards. He is definitely withdrawing from the relationship, or has lost feelings, or has someone else on the go and is keeping you on the back-burner.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Hello, here I am again...so hurt and so lost... I don't know if i should post this in a long distance forum or marriage forum or break up forum, but i'll write it here. not sure where to start... i've been in a 5 year relationship, and 4 years being long distance (we've traveled numerous times to each other). in the 4th year mark, i quit my job and moved to his country (14 hours time difference from where i lived) to be together with him and thought we're closing the gap and we've moved to the next step of a relationship. however my visa in his country expired and i moved to a third country where my parents live. it was closer than the original country i moved from and thought we could meet more often than before and come up with a plan to be together again. however, after a few bumpy quarrels this year, he tells me he no longer wants to proceed with the marriage idea with me, and he's happy with continuing a long distance relationship with me like we've been. we're in our mid 30's, and though i'm not the traditional type to feel like marriage is the ultimate goal, i do think if there is a partner i love, i want to get married to him eventually. i told him i feel very frustrated and exhausted with this long distance relationship (two different countries, 4 years), but he said he's fine with it. Am i a fool to stay with him, in this relationship?? or stay and see how it goes, because we never know? or is there already an answer there, that nothing won't happen with him? am i so silly and foolish to let him have me like this? the thought of breaking up with him breaks my heart... but if there is no future and no hope, is it worth giving this relationship another try...? or is it already over...? thanks so much in advance. so hurt. it hurts to breathe. Go back and read your post 10 times and find one positive thing in it and then answer your own questions. 5 year relationship, and 4 years being long distance i quit my job and moved to his country -- What has be done for you? he tells me he no longer wants to proceed with the marriage idea with me, and he's happy with continuing a long distance relationship with me like we've been. -- But . . . you aren't . . . i told him i feel very frustrated and exhausted with this long distance relationship (two different countries, 4 years), but he said he's fine with it. -- But . . . you aren't . . . Nothing is going to change if it hasn't after 4 years . . . .
Author trueluV Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Thanks so much for your thoughts. we've put so much effort into this relationship, visiting each other as much as we can, met each others family, going to family weddings...somehow a 4 year long distance relationship lasted this long, and it's sad to let it go. he somehow doesn't want to break up with me, even though i brought it up a few times. he still contacts me every single day, from when he wakes up to his lunch time to when he's leaving the office and always wants to talk to me through skype while he's having dinner. and he never wants to hang up either... 2 hours, 3 hours... i need to sort of force him to go to bed to hang up. so it seems like he relies on me a lot... yet, he doesn't see himself getting married to me in the near future. i know he has his own unique thoughts on marriage and relationship, such as having a baby together without marriage papers, or being a life partner without getting married,... which are all hard for me to understand. all of his friends are married except for him with children, and i understand he doesn't want to get married - then what is he doing with me?? i told him maybe i'm not the girl for him, and if he meets that girl, he will want to get married as soon as possible despite all his belief in marriage and his own reasons. ... this is so confusing, and i'm not so strong. not strong enough to break away from this and him, and not strong enough to continue either.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Thanks so much for your thoughts. we've put so much effort into this relationship, visiting each other as much as we can, met each others family, going to family weddings...somehow a 4 year long distance relationship lasted this long, and it's sad to let it go. he somehow doesn't want to break up with me, even though i brought it up a few times. he still contacts me every single day, from when he wakes up to his lunch time to when he's leaving the office and always wants to talk to me through skype while he's having dinner. and he never wants to hang up either... 2 hours, 3 hours... i need to sort of force him to go to bed to hang up. so it seems like he relies on me a lot... yet, he doesn't see himself getting married to me in the near future. i know he has his own unique thoughts on marriage and relationship, such as having a baby together without marriage papers, or being a life partner without getting married,... which are all hard for me to understand. all of his friends are married except for him with children, and i understand he doesn't want to get married - then what is he doing with me?? i told him maybe i'm not the girl for him, and if he meets that girl, he will want to get married as soon as possible despite all his belief in marriage and his own reasons. ... this is so confusing, and i'm not so strong. not strong enough to break away from this and him, and not strong enough to continue either. Sweetie, you are much stronger than you think you are. The reason I say this is that it takes a ton of emotional strength and negative energy to stick with someone who treats you badly and doesn't want what you want. It's exhausting and you will eventually cave, however, you are strong and now is the time to tap into it. Make the move to put all this energy into a more satisfying and promising relationship. he somehow doesn't want to break up with me, even though i brought it up a few times. -- No one ever wants a break up and given the fact that he is content with the way things are, why should he. As long as you tolerate it, he's gonna keep it. He's not considering your needs and wants, only his. he still contacts me every single day, from when he wakes up to his lunch time to when he's leaving the office and always wants to talk to me through skype while he's having dinner. and he never wants to hang up either... 2 hours, 3 hours... -- It's so easy to talk on the phone for 2 or 3 hours compared to having a real connection, spending time with, negotiating the relationship, altering your life to include another person, etc. He likes it the way it is and why not -- it's easy.
Zahara Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 we've put so much effort into this relationship, visiting each other as much as we can, met each others family, going to family weddings...somehow a 4 year long distance relationship lasted this long, and it's sad to let it go. That kind of thinking and rationale is ridicilous. So that justifies investing more of your years in a dead end relationship -- because nothing is changing. If you don't want to let it go then prepare to keep wasting more years. he somehow doesn't want to break up with me, even though i brought it up a few times. he still contacts me every single day, from when he wakes up to his lunch time to when he's leaving the office and always wants to talk to me through skype while he's having dinner. and he never wants to hang up either... 2 hours, 3 hours... i need to sort of force him to go to bed to hang up. so it seems like he relies on me a lot... yet, he doesn't see himself getting married to me in the near future. Of course he doesn't want to break. You're a nice benefit to have, someone that's easy to maintain, without having to put in any real effort into building a relationship. Nice ego boost. Someone to talk to. Emotional support. If you're happy with an online relationship, then continue. It's not changing. I have to wonder if he's out there meeting other women. 1
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