NVO Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Note: I am aware of the fact that there is a similar thread started by someone else that is related to my question, but I did not want to hijack. After my earlier rants about my 'failures' in dating life, it seems like I have found a great match. We get a long very, very well. By the second date we were cuddling and kissing, but more important: I feel very comfortable around her. I got this feeling from the second we first met and I find it very special. I kept this to myself after the first date, but after our second date she mentioned this herself too. Thing is, she mentioned her ex on the two dates quite often and I'm afraid that she might still have got feelings for him. But on the other hand, it's not like she only talks bad about him but he more just pops up in her stories. I can understand he does, because she was with him for three years. They lived together and one day she found out he was on dating sites. She went to therapy to cope with the loss afterwards and they split 7 months ago. To make a long story short, I can see that there is good reason for her to talk about her ex now and then if you look at the impact he had on her life. But is there anyway to make sure I'm not a rebound? How did you handle situations like this when you encountered them? Is there 'too much talking about the ex' for you? And what would you define 'too much'? It feels weird to ask her about it on our third date, tonight. I feel I'm really starting to like her, but after some bad experiences with previous relationships I sense I'm more wary. Maybe I'm just overthinking it too much, but if I project this on my own most recent break up, I found myself talking most about my ex when I still had feelings for her or I was still feeling sad about the ending of our relationship. Hope this makes sense to you all.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 It is not appropriate to talk about an ex at all in the first 2 dates. Why would someone do that? Sure you can say you've been single for 7 months after a 3 year relationship which ended when you found out he was being unfaithful. But any more info than that is totally unnecessary and a complete buzzkill on the first 2 dates. It would totally turn me off. People are meant to be on best behaviour in the early dating stages. If she's talking about her ex a lot then you can expect he will be a constant feature in all her conversations in the future. Who needs that?? 1
Author NVO Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 It is not appropriate to talk about an ex at all in the first 2 dates. Why would someone do that? Sure you can say you've been single for 7 months after a 3 year relationship which ended when you found out he was being unfaithful. But any more info than that is totally unnecessary and a complete buzzkill on the first 2 dates. It would totally turn me off. People are meant to be on best behaviour in the early dating stages. If she's talking about her ex a lot then you can expect he will be a constant feature in all her conversations in the future. Who needs that?? Glad it wasn't just me. Let's see how this thing goes tonight. Thanks Pete.
tinkerbell16 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Glad it wasn't just me. Let's see how this thing goes tonight. Thanks Pete. Give her a little slack if you really like her. Maybe she just feels comfortable around you (good sign) and so she isn't guarding her feelings. If it was a recent breakup it will be fresh. Are you a renound? Only time will tell. 3
jen1447 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Ppl talk about what's on their mind, so I wouldn't try to subdue that. She's bscly giving you the insight you're looking for - if she talks about him a lot, she's prob not over him. That said, you have to allow that ppl don't always just 'get over' ppl, some hang onto that stuff for years. So I'd allow her some humanity as far as that goes and accept that just bc she met you doesn't mean she'll forget her past. 3
Author NVO Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Thanks Jen and Tink. I find truth in all your words. I suppose I'll just see where this will go and keep it casual for a while. 1
carhill Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Change the subject and see how she responds. If she keeps hammering away on the ex, positive or negative, IMO eject. Heck, if she's like the many MW's I've been involved with over the decades, she may even still be with the ex.
Grapesofwrath Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 She may be over "him" but not over the experience of having been betrayed. It takes a long time to heal from that. Longer than 7 months, IMO. I have always had this theory that it takes half the duration of the relationship to really get over someone. So if they were together for 3 years, it will take 1.5 years before she really feels "meh" about it. Doesn't mean you are a rebound. I think a rebound would be someone she started dating very quickly after her relationship ended. You are the next person she is dating, and so she probably has some trust issues and some other things to sort out as she gets closer to you. Don't overthink it. Just let things flow. 1
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