Have I just lost the love of my life?

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Hey guys,

 

I just registered to the site which is something I never done before - search for a place to vent my grief and loss and ask for guidance. Please if somebody can give me an advise how to go on with my life I would appreciate it highly as the pain is unbearable. (Big sorry for the big text wall!!!)

 

My ex and I broke up nearly 3 months now from a 3 years relationship. There was a period when we were on and off but only for a month or so we always kept in touch and whenever somebody went on a vacation with family or friends abroad when we came back we reached one another to see each other exchange some gifts we bought there and get back together. It was the sweetest thing! She is just amazing, really small kind and caring girl (i'm taller ofcourse) and she touched my soul!

But this is were my pain comes from. I am 26 years old and I always had bad relationships. the longest one I had before this one was 3 months which is nothing and it ended bad when she cheated on me. I am a caring and loving person I don't cheat and I am never treat anybody badly I always tend to look past the flaws and it seems that no matter how bad they hurt me I always love them and never try to hurt them back.

 

It so happens that even though our loves was pure there were complications preventing me continuing the relationship to the next level. I was not ready to move on living together while she constantly been asking me about the future. I told her that eventually we will but I am not ready. there is that and she was really religious I mean to the point where it bugged me what if we have children together and I don't want them to be so religious. I am religious too but only to a normal amount whatever you guys feel that is. She also came from a different kind of family than mine with different approaches to life, different understanding and we had some fights about how we should do this, or that how you should treat someone etc. So one time we had a really big fight and we didn't talk for over a week. Next I knew it was over a month. I eventually reached her and told her I wanna see her. When we met I immediately kissed her I was so happy seeing her my heart could explode. She kissed me back and I knew she was happy too to see me but she said "This doesn't mean we are together".

 

This killed me a bit. Because she demanded promise that we will live together. Back then I just wanted her back so I told her we will live together so we got back together. This was probably my biggest fault for lying I was ready and it ate my insides that I lied to her so one day we were in my bed and I told her "Look I love you so much and we will live together I promise but I am really not ready to do that right now". she went ballistic as if this was the only reason she got back with me. In the past I got through and swallowed so many bad things she did like she told me I was a (dunno the correct translation... ****head?) and is that a thing you say to a loved one?? My brain can't process how you can say something like that to a person you love.

 

Eventually after a fight I got through that but then a tragedy happened to my family when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is fine now thank God she healed but the process was unbearable to watch. She was lying on the floor crying and I cried with her then the phone rang and my ex just threw tantrum and yelled at me for something. I told her that right now is not a good time I was crying on the phone explained the situation but she continued like she didn't hear me. She eventually apologies but this again killed me a bit inside.

 

Even through all that I wanted us to be together and work it out then there was the last time I talked to her. One day I was like "ok honey I love you will give you a call tomorrow morning". And she said "I love you too I am going to a friend of mine right now talk to you tomorrow".

As an off topic: her "friend" is a woman of over 36 years old that had 10 years relationship she threw away then hated on guys and is an ugly person overall.

Next morning I try to give her a call but phone is saying that its busy. I try again in half an hour again busy. Couple of times more again busy. So I decided and gave a call to a friend of hers (another not the same ) and asked her to check up on her just because I was worried if she is ok if she is fine. She then gave me a call in a couple of minutes and said "I spoke to her and she said to tell you she is ok and not to be afraid". I asked is that it? what about not being able to give her a call. And she said nothing I knew then she already left me. I blocked her on fb after a message to her that was totally uncalled for and really nasty what she did. I believe for 3 years unconditional love I deserve to hear that from her not block my phone...

 

Yesterday was the day we actually started dating. I threw everything away even when I get back to my apartment the smell reminds me of her so I cried like a little girl while collecting her stuff. I can't shake that off. I unblocked her as this was my initial rage but blocking someone I believe is childish. When I saw her profile pic and how glowing she is without me my whole soul was shredded. Even when I go out with friends she is all I think about and my parents with whom she spent time with are afraid I might turn to depression and risk harming myself.

 

Can you guys please help me out how to deal with this?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to realize that this likely wasn't going to be a permanent relationship. I say that because you mentioned you have religious differences and that was already causing arguments. Imagine what would have happened if you'd had a child. Religion is one of those topics that's very difficult to navigate if both parties have opposing views on how it should be practiced.

 

It certainly wasn't right for her to call you a bad name. But it also wasn't right for you to promise her a bigger commitment that you knew you weren't ready for. It's a pretty serious blow when you realize the person you love isn't on the same page as you, even though they said they were.

 

I think it would be goof for you to consider why you didn't want a bigger commitment with her. Something was holding you back, perhaps a voice that was telling you that she wasn't the right person for you in the long-run.

 

Keep No Contact. Block her on social media. It's not about being childish or vindictive - it's about self-preservation. Seeing pictures of her is not going to bring any benefit.

 

Seek professional help if you feel you cannot cope on your own and risk hurting yourself. That says a lot about your emotional state and a qualified, experienced professional can help you manage this.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

I realize my mistake but eventually I would live with her. Seems I wasn't ready for it at first but I thought it's not that big a deal when you love someone so much and you would in the near future.

 

Still when I think of her being with someone else.. sleeping with him.. him touching her even absolutely devastates me. I know I made mistakes as well perhaps not on the same level as hers to call me names and do disrespectful things but my mistakes were possibly hard to swallow for her too. What stopped me for committing more I believe is the fact I know when you start living with someone and see them in their everyday activities you tend to get angrier from the small things they do. I guess a part of me was scared I will suffer even a bigger insult then before. Self preservation mechanism? I guess I wanted to wait and see if she comes around on her emotions and tantrum. Its all my fault and I think even though I loved her so much I did wrong by her and at the end I wasn't a good partner.

 

I am not sure about professional help right now if the pain expands then I might think about it but I am not willing to go that far yet.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

I can't bear to see her with someone else...

I can't bear to think she is with someone else...

I can't even think how someone will touch her, kiss her, make love to her my heart is constantly being shredded by these thoughts right now.

 

I imagine some boy's arms around her and it makes me sick. It makes me wanna pound his face so hard like who are you to touch my girl! even though she is not anymore...

 

When we were still together I told her:

 

"No matter if we stay together forever, for years, or days please! never allow someone to weaken your soul! You are a beautiful little soul and don't allow anybody to destroy it go out with good people!"

 

I told her that I don't know why when even good people I refuse to believe will touch her skin and kiss her lips. Kiss her shoulders, her cheeks while she smiles, her eyes, her forehead, her neck... I think about every little detail and it kills me inside each time I think about it.

 

She glows now... I see her new pictures. I see how she is fine without me and I feel sad that somebody else will be with that glow of hers. I feel protective! I feel my little midge, my love, my beautiful soul will be tainted by someone... I can't rest my mind...

 

I guess I need time to forget her smell, her eyes, her hair, her smile, her everything. These things are under my own skin and I feel them as my own.

 

I can't allow no other girl to be with me even though we are not together for over 3 months now.. but at the same time I wish her to be happy and loved. Why am I so egoistic I don't know... I guess love shows your true character after all.

[bummer]

I guess love shows your true character after all.

 

yeah, infatuation and young hormones make some weird thoughts.

 

Try getting her out of your skin in case of infection.

 

And try true NC, NO SOCIAL MEDIA and then she'll just be a glowing memory after all.

[toastytiger]

Yikes. Yeah I feel ya. Imagining someone you were so close with, being close with another is tough stuff! Jealousy and possessiveness are heavy feelings.

 

Be careful not to idealize what you don't have though! Try not to over-indulge in all the details of your ex. Make the conscious effort to stop those thoughts when you sense it is starting to consume you. She wasn't that great. If she was, you both would still be together.

 

Maybe try replacing those unbearable images in your head with thoughts of YOU being with someone else. Imagine and get excited about finding and loving someone better!

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Hello guys,

 

If you don't know my story I've posted in the breakups section (just in case you want to read it HERE ) I was in a relationship for 3 years and it was pretty tense but amazingly honest and full of pure moments.

 

I even started posting daily updates since I joined LoveShack on Wednesday how I cope in the coping section with the breakup.

 

One thing I remembered today is that because my girl was very very religious and I was not there was a time when we decided to call it quits. Obviously this wasn't the last time we were together and broke up again but still.

 

I want your opinion on the following:

 

We were in my car infront of her house and we were discussing us.. how the religious thing is bugging me to the point I can't see possible future together, how we have so many differences in how we view life in general because of it and such. In a brief moment after we began the discussion we both started crying. I never experienced anything like this before. It was so emotional we hugged and cried. But not just crying... BABY DROPPED ON HIS HEAD crying. Mine and her shoulder were both soaking wet. We said tender things like how we don't want to leave each other to live this crappy life alone. How we don't want to leave each other alone while caring so much for the other it hurts and such of the sort. Our hearts were breaking back then.. at that very moment.. together...

 

I believe this was one of the breaking points of our relationship because at the end we were just exhausted of crying. When I got back home I immediately contacted her. Said I cried through my whole trip back home while driving and that we are not ready to call it quits. We need to be together because we love each other. Ofcourse we stayed strong for many months after, had amazing moments and breakups again, coming back together again and finally leading to this point right now when we are not together for over 3 months after the last breakup which I believe is final ever.

 

There was a point that she gave me the finger.. a point where she called me a bad name (poophead (cant use the s word as it is filtered)) and yelled through the phone while I was dealing with a family crisis that shook my entire family and its pretty hard to bear.

After all this I believe my love slowly died for her but I still wanted her so much and loved her for who she is. That said my nerves weren't that great after all those bad moments she did. So one day when we fought again I was yelling and she told me to stop or she will give me the finger as this was the same for her as my yelling. In my rage I said "If you give me the finger I will throw you out like a dog and leave you wherever we are at that moment".

 

It sounded so ugly and disgusting coming out of my mouth but I was so enraged after all she did back then that my nerves were not whole anymore. I couldn't forgive through our whole relationship what she did to me and I just exploded back then.

 

Am I a bad person I did this? I even consider writing her a letter apologizing for my anger then not trying to win her over just apologize. This was so low of me but I try to calm myself that she just earned it.

 

What do you guys think?

[blackcat777]

It sounds like you both are aware of your fundamental incompatibility, and neither of you have a healthy way of handling conflict together.

 

There is no way to repair this without taking some time alone and working on yourself first.

 

It sucks a lot in the beginning, but in the months following a breakup, it's actually an extremely fruitful time for self-reflection.

 

Do not send an apology letter... Do not make contact (check out some NC guides around here). Don't send any kind of letter.

 

For future relationship reference, you need to establish fundamental compatibility differences in the early stages of dating - not 3-4 years in, because it can end this way.

 

Invest in yourself, your hobbies. Pass the time with things that make you happy. Maybe peek around the internet and read about how to handle conflict and communicate constructively in relationships.

 

Clear your head for a good six months before you even think about contact... any contact now during the early stages of breakup will send you back to ground zero.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

By that time I don't think it would be necessary to contact her as she would forget about me. Actually she may have already. I know her she won't contact me ever again like ever. That's why I thought it would be good to apologize now but thank you for your guidance.

 

Do you have an opinion if I was wrong in the relationship or both or her for starting all that down the line? I am conflicted if I am responsible for everything.

[elaine567]

Truth is when a relationship is failing and the fighting starts, neither party tends to act nicely towards the other. One is usually as bad as the other. People say and do "unforgivable" things in the heat of the moment, it is par for the course and eventually it all leads to a break up

There is no need to apologise here.

Leave things be.

[PegNosePete]

Am I a bad person I did this?

Well, it was quite a bad thing to say but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. Life is not so black and white. Bad people say nice things all the time, and good people often say bad things. That's life. Nobody is good 100% of the time and nobody is bad 100% of the time either. A multiple murderer might give money to a homeless person, does that make him a good person? Or a charity worker might steal an apple, does that make them a bad person? You can't put people into the very broad categories of "good person" or "bad person" based on a single, one-off incident, but rather general, overall behaviour patterns.

 

In this case no there is no need to apologise or in fact to have any contact with your ex ever again. It sounds like an emotional end to a relationship that was already over, so no need to dig up old wounds. Leave it in the past.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Hey guys sorry for the spam and bumping the thread again but I needed to vent somewhere and I guess I had to use my old thread.

 

So I have these heart spikes these days.. again.. I thought I was doing good and I think I am as they are happening occasionally not regularly no more. I always think of the break up, thinking what she is doing, how she is and stuff.. I think about where she is at the moment, if she is at work or perhaps out with friends and worst of all.. being with someone else!

I know I shouldn't think about that but I am even my mother saw that there is something off with me and told me that I need to understand that girl is not for me and to start thinking about me.

Today I had (still at work so having) an awful day at work.. Rainy day, it is so dark and gloomy you think the world is ending, home office fell apart for some reason systems are not working at home so I was forced to come to the office, nobody around, I am alone.. my work place is about a kilometer away from her house. So while it is rainy a really nasty colleague that knows about the breakup comes to me and says:

 

- Wow such a bad weather only for ****ing and sleeping.

- You don't like it?

- Yeah not one bit. Tell you what though maybe someone is banging your ex right now.

- You think? (I was this close of punching a hole in his head!!!)

- Absolutely probably because nobody is outside he placed her near the windows like so (shows).

 

He is an idiot overall who likes messing with people and I know security would've came anyway so I didn't make a fuss out of it but it hurt.

I started thinking about it I almost pictured it. You know if somebody plunged a knife in my lungs would've hurt less...

 

A friend of mine told me that he spoke with his sister. His sister is sweet and she is a friend of my ex. Perhaps her best friend. So he told me that he asked her if my ex has someone and she said that there is nobody right now in her life. That gave me closure but... again I'm without her.

 

Just wanted to vent out.. not going to contact her as there is no point in all that not to mention I am afraid of what she'll say probably something of the sort that she don't want me in her life anymore, why I contacted her, or immediately close the phone. Just coping. I know I have to man up but sometimes I think too much of these things. It's like my mind is playing games - it is forgetting about ALL the bad things and remembers all the good ones. Forgets about all the insults, all the things that hurt but at the same time recalls them.. like I know it sounds crazy but .. it is like the mind, in the big picture, forgets about all the bad stuff so that I can justify being with her, yet recalls all the bad stuff so I see the perspective. It's like self denial of what is going on.

 

This back and forth is exhausting me. I am sleeping over 8 hours a day these days can't get up of bed. Life is so gloomy now when I wake up I already think about tonight when I'll get back to dreamland to hibernate...

Maybe I just need sex... I even started flirting with a colleague. Don't want to hurt myself so I'm taking the flirting part slowly. Not sure if sex will help or make things worse for me too.

 

I'm pretty much not sure of anything these days...

 

EDIT: I even prayed to God many many nights to help US out with this. I always think if she is hurting you know if she is sad and depressed about us sometimes so I pray for her too to help us out and get out of this messy situation and be free of guilt and sadness. Like I said in my first posts on the topic she was very very religious that it bugged me. I am religious but only to a normal amount so sometimes I feel closure praying for us.. I know I know it sounds totally melodramatic and crazy but it's not.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Heart..PLS STAHP