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Dating someone who's terminally ill.

Danii

By Danii
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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Now he's texting me non stop about being in love with me. Saying he can't believe I think that, and if he didn't love me I wouldn't have met his mom once let alone multiple times.

 

I just don't know what to do. I know he has a lot more important things going on in his life, and I probably don't help. Maybe that's why I should step away. I love him, I can't imagine how I'd spend my time without him, but I feel like maybe he wants to be alone.

 

He doesn't want to be alone!

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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What really sucks is that he keeps trying to force the situation (one way or the other), which makes you react and deprives you of figuring out what YOU really want. I wish he would just let it be and let you do what comes naturally to you.

Timshel Established Member

Timshel

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My advice is brash and not sentimental, I know. Op has been dating this man for a short time. How long?

 

My husband passed of cancer and if I had known, I would do it all again. He was my husband. I went to every appointment, surgery and treatment.

 

I could say, throw caution to the wind and gooooo with the flow. He needs better than that....you can't help him being ignorant and starry eyed.

 

Anyway, I'm not telling OP to walk away. I am not saying that OP won't gain a great deal by staying either. This is not a simple situation.

 

Make an effort to understand what you are doing, why you are doing it, what you can reasonably offer of assistance and what the potential consequences will be.

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Correction its now well over two years... doesn't time just fly!

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Well...... if he continues to push her away, refuses to communicate with her, won't allow her alone with his family, to discuss and for support, there is not much she can do, is there.

 

He is calling all the shots. And she's left hurt, frustrated and not knowing what's going on or what to do. Except that he pushes her away and needs distance. Then returns like gangbusters after he gets it.

 

They've been dating four months....it is not a sexual relationship .

 

They met on a blind date while he was in the midst of terminal stage four cancer.

 

Friends who set them up did not tell her. Frankly I find that rather unbelievable, but whatevs.

 

HE did not tell her..... until second date. Which I also find strange.

 

I mean it is not like disclosing he has herpes. It is terminal stage four cancer! And he's undergoing chemo to boot. She should have been advised of this immediately.....

 

Timeshel you are right and no your advice is not too brash..... it is right on!

 

I hope Danii listens to it......

Edited by katiegrl
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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May I ask what type of cancer he has?

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Danii Member

Danii

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I know he has cancer for a fact. It started in his throat. I think he feels like a burden on his mom and his sister, and I hope I've lightened their load at least a little. I think that's why he doesn't leave us alone; he doesn't want me to know how hard it has been for them.

 

I turned my phone off because he wouldn't stop texting me. Then I woke up to texts from both him and his best friend. The guy who set us up. He was asking what happened, and telling me he loves me, even if he doesn't show it. I give him something to look forward to, and someone to spend time with, and to please not back away.

Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted (edited)
Well...... if he continues to push her away, refuses to communicate with her, won't allow her alone with his family, to discuss and for support, there is not much she can do, is there.

 

He is calling all the shots. And she's left hurt, frustrated and not knowing what's going on or what to do. Except that he pushes her away and needs distance. Then returns like gangbusters after he gets it.

 

They've been dating four months....it is not a sexual relationship .

 

They met on a blind date while he was in the midst of terminal stage four cancer.

 

Friends who set them up did not tell her. Frankly I find that rather unbelievable, but whatevs.

 

HE did not tell her..... until second date. Which I also find strange.

 

I mean it is not like disclosing he has herpes. It is terminal stage four cancer! And he's undergoing chemo to boot. She should have been advised of this immediately.....

 

Timeshel you are right and no your advice is not too brash..... it is right on!

 

I hope Danii listens to it......

 

Ha! In this situation I am projecting a little Katie...but in a healthy way, she does indeed need to know. I have learned some and trying to pay forward. I am projecting...every situation is different.

 

Thank you, four months was what I was thinking but did not find the post to quote. It is a short time for some serious business.

 

I think OP should come back and let us know what she has on her mind now and whether or not she has more info.

 

Have you been able to gather more information regarding his diagnosis Danii?

 

PS Katie, not that it matters...Timshel. :p

 

Overlap post.....Danii, how do you feel about all of this now?

Edited by Timshel
OP update
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
Ha! In this situation I am projecting a little Katie...but in a healthy way, she does indeed need to know. I have learned some and trying to pay forward. I am projecting...every situation is different.

 

Thank you, four months was what I was thinking but did not find the post to quote. It is a short time for some serious business.

 

I think OP should come back and let us know what she has on her mind now and whether or not she has more info.

 

Have you been able to gather more information regarding his diagnosis Danii?

 

PS Katie, not that it matters...Timshel. :p

 

Overlap post.....Danii, how do you feel about all of this now?

 

Oh I know you're projecting... but who better to give advice than someone who has been through it first hand?

 

Danii, tnx for the update .

 

Best of luck moving forward no matter what you decide.

Edited by katiegrl
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
I know he has cancer for a fact. It started in his throat. I think he feels like a burden on his mom and his sister, and I hope I've lightened their load at least a little. I think that's why he doesn't leave us alone; he doesn't want me to know how hard it has been for them.

 

I turned my phone off because he wouldn't stop texting me. Then I woke up to texts from both him and his best friend. The guy who set us up. He was asking what happened, and telling me he loves me, even if he doesn't show it. I give him something to look forward to, and someone to spend time with, and to please not back away.

 

I think his mom and sister could be a great emotional support for you and also you for them....

 

You are all in this together.... I would discuss this with your bf, it seems rather silly for him to deny you this support imo.

 

I don't understand that.

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Danii Member

Danii

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Now his best friend is sending me screenshots of their texts... ugh. I don't want to see these! It's none of my business!

 

I also think I would be a help to his mom and sister. I think I am already, but if he'd let me get closer I could help more; which is what I want. I want to make things easier on all of them.

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Danii Member

Danii

Posted
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Overlap post.....Danii, how do you feel about all of this now?

Which part?

Timshel Established Member

Timshel

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Now his best friend is sending me screenshots of their texts... ugh. I don't want to see these! It's none of my business!

 

I also think I would be a help to his mom and sister. I think I am already, but if he'd let me get closer I could help more; which is what I want. I want to make things easier on all of them.

 

Danii, do you know his diagnosis?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
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I know he has cancer for a fact. It started in his throat. .

 

This is not a lot of information. Didn't he give you more information? What is the name of that cancer? Is it esophagus cancer or throat cancer or tongue cancer. What type of cancer is it. Did he have a lump removed, etc. It started in the throat and now where else? Doesn't he share the specifics with you?

 

I know someone with esophagus cancer, it was removed and treated and he is doing good as of now.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
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This is not a lot of information. Didn't he give you more information? What is the name of that cancer? Is it esophagus cancer or throat cancer or tongue cancer. What type of cancer is it. Did he have a lump removed, etc. It started in the throat and now where else? Doesn't he share the specifics with you?

 

I know someone with esophagus cancer, it was removed and treated and he is doing good as of now.

 

She also said she loves talking to him, the sound of his voice. Said this in an earlier post.

 

He has throat cancer, how is it he even has a voice? Or much of one anyway .

 

Most if not all throat cancers adversely affect the voice box. Also shortness of breath . labored breathing ....

 

So many questions...

 

Getting off this thread now.

 

Again best of luck.

Edited by katiegrl
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Danii Member

Danii

Posted
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She also says she loves talking to him, the sound of his voice. Said this in an earlier post.

 

He has throat cancer, how is it he even has a voice? Or much of one anyway .

 

Most if not all throat cancers adversely affect the voice box. Also shortness of breath . labored breathing ....

 

So many questions...

 

Getting off this thread now.

 

Again best of luck.

His voice is scratchy, but I can still hear what it sounds like. Maybe I like it because it's his voice! I don't know...

 

It started in the throat itself and grew. He's had to have his thyroid and some lymphnods out to try and stop it.

 

Now his best friend is trying to get us to go to lunch with him to try and "work this out" this man is putting me through the ringer

Edited by Danii
DreamP Established Member

DreamP

Posted
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Why did this man go on a blind date if they didn't want to get serious? Blind dates/set ups are very clearly people looking for relationships. He went on the date, but tells you you deserve better. I guess you didn't deserve better when you were just a blind date. Sounds fishy.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Posted
Why did this man go on a blind date if they didn't want to get serious? Blind dates/set ups are very clearly people looking for relationships. He went on the date, but tells you you deserve better. I guess you didn't deserve better when you were just a blind date. Sounds fishy.

 

Could it be that he wants to get ride of her but can't be forward about it and uses his illness as an excuse.

Robert Established Member

Robert

Posted
Posted

Folks,

 

I don't believe it's helpful to throw around accusations of deceit in this thread.

 

For the purposes of this thread, moderation will consider that subject off-topic and future posts questioning the truth of either the threadstarter or the man she is dating will be deleted and will possibly incur a civility and respect violation.

 

Thanks,

~6

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carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

The OP wrote:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/587218-dating-someone-who-s-terminally-ill#post6971095

 

As far as things go with his mom and sister I think he tries to keep our interaction at a minimum. Every time we talk he has to be right there. His mom sends me thank you cards and gifts all the time, and a card on my birthday. She's really sweet, and she appreciates that I help take care of him a little bit.

 

Apparently she has substantial and comprehensive contact with the family of her BF/dating partner, lessening the likelihood of any conspiracy theories being valid.

 

OP, if you want his friend to stop sending texts, directly tell them to stop, or block them, or both. It's easy to terminate contact from a mobile to a mobile with your provider. IMO, work your issue on your own terms and timeline and with your partner. Exclude third parties as much as practical, save for those you or he voluntarily seek out.

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Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted (edited)
The OP wrote:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/587218-dating-someone-who-s-terminally-ill#post6971095

 

As far as things go with his mom and sister I think he tries to keep our interaction at a minimum. Every time we talk he has to be right there. His mom sends me thank you cards and gifts all the time, and a card on my birthday. She's really sweet, and she appreciates that I help take care of him a little bit.

 

Apparently she has substantial and comprehensive contact with the family of her BF/dating partner, lessening the likelihood of any conspiracy theories being valid.

 

OP, if you want his friend to stop sending texts, directly tell them to stop, or block them, or both. It's easy to terminate contact from a mobile to a mobile with your provider. IMO, work your issue on your own terms and timeline and with your partner. Exclude third parties as much as practical, save for those you or he voluntarily seek out.

 

Agree.

 

I am confused with the timeline of this relationship. It does not matter, woman needs to figure out what is happening.

 

Best luck OP, best.

 

If OP's bf of 4 months is having conflicting/agitating text messages from family members about a life threatening illness block/delete.

Edited by Timshel
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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
Agree.

 

I am confused with the timeline of this relationship. It does not matter, woman needs to figure out what is happening.

 

Best luck OP, best.

 

And I agree with this^^.

 

Danii... you stated earlier you have never discussed his illness with his mom or sister....

 

I would encourage you to do so.... as I said they can and should be a great support for you, and vice versa.

 

Even if he is around.... IMO it would be helpful to all discuss together!

 

You all love him and should all be emotionally supporting each other, as well as caring for him.

 

It would be a great comfort.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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