Dating someone who's terminally ill.

[Danii]

I recently started dating a man that my friends set me up with. We met on a blind date and I was attracted to him immediately. On the second date he asked if anyone told me he has cancer. No one had mentioned it, and I was a little hurt, but I'm so attracted to him I just kept seeing him.

 

His cancer is pretty advanced, stage 4. He keeps telling me I should stop wasting my time with him. The thing is, its not a waste of my time, I love him. We've been seeing each other for about four months now, and have yet to get passed second base. Every time I suggest something more he says I should just go... he keeps saying I deserve someone more... I've met his mom, I've met his sister, but he keeps pushing me away.

 

What should I do?

[smackie9]

Like most men they never want to face serious issues or topics that are filled with emotions and would rather sweep it under the rug. What he is dealing with is devastating but he shouldn't go at it alone. Suggest counseling. It might help the both of you to handle this journey with more willingness, acceptance, bravery and dignity. Don't let the illness define who he is.....

Edited July 7, 2016 by smackie9

[katiegrl]

I recently started dating a man that my friends set me up with. We met on a blind date and I was attracted to him immediately. On the second date he asked if anyone told me he has cancer. No one had mentioned it, and I was a little hurt, but I'm so attracted to him I just kept seeing him.

 

His cancer is pretty advanced, stage 4. He keeps telling me I should stop wasting my time with him. The thing is, its not a waste of my time, I love him. We've been seeing each other for about four months now, and have yet to get passed second base. Every time I suggest something more he says I should just go... he keeps saying I deserve someone more... I've met his mom, I've met his sister, but he keeps pushing me away.

What should I do?

 

You deserve someone "more"? What does that even mean? I guess he means someone who doesn't have cancer?

 

How is he feeling? Does his cancer impact your RL at all, I mean is he sick a lot, tired, low energy? I would imagine he would be.

 

Four months into stage 4 cancer, I am surprised he has any energy to do much of anything let alone have a RL.

 

Is he undergoing chemo?

 

What do his sister and mom think about it? Have you discussed with them?

 

Something's not jiving here hun.

[carhill]

IDK, one of my friend's wives was dx'd with stage 4 that hit her brain, lungs and liver and she's still kickin', and actually doing really well about two years later. They've been doing experimental stuff on her up at Stanford and that really turned the corner. Originally they were focusing on quality of life and no cure but found a new treatment, experimental, to go for a cure so got her permission and went to town.

 

Some inconveniences, sure; then again, nothing in life is perfect. She's a friend so I socialize with her plenty, heck, sat on the deck of their beach house enjoying fireworks a couple days ago. You'd never know she was a stage 4 survivor.

 

Depends on the person and disease. Each is unique.

 

If he keeps saying go, that's a decided buzzkill. However that's his choice. I'd have a calm talk and get his final answer and accept it. Depression is common with cancer patients and it's normal to push people away. If you think it's worth a fight, OK, go with that. I tend to respect people's boundaries, even loved ones. YMMV.

[Danii]

You deserve someone "more"? What does that even mean? I guess he means someone who doesn't have cancer?

 

How is he feeling? Does his cancer impact your RL at all, I mean is he sick a lot, tired, low energy? I would imagine he would be.

 

Four months into stage 4 cancer, I am surprised he has any energy to do much of anything let alone have a RL.

 

Is he undergoing chemo?

 

What do his sister and mom think about it? Have you discussed with them?

 

Something's not jiving here hun.

He has days where he feels great, and then there are days where he is just so sick I try and make him dinner on those nights, or any night he'll let me. I think when he says someone more he means someone without cancer. Which is just ridiculous to me, if I cared that he was sick I wouldn't be around.

No, I haven't talked with his mom or sister about it. I think he is so wonderful. I love being with him and holding him. He makes my heart beat so fast every time we're together.

[Danii]

IDK,

 

Depends on the person and disease. Each is unique.

 

If he keeps saying go, that's a decided buzzkill. However that's his choice. I'd have a calm talk and get his final answer and accept it. Depression is common with cancer patients and it's normal to push people away. If you think it's worth a fight, OK, go with that. I tend to respect people's boundaries, even loved ones. YMMV.

I try to not smoother him. There's days where if he hasn't called I leave him be, because I know it's hard. When I go a few days he calls me and says he misses me, and is in love with me, and can I please come over.

[carhill]

That's the current reality. Are you up for that? MC (counseling for marriage) was big on 'accepting the real'. Not coulda, woulda, shoulda.

 

If you're up for it, IMO go with it and embrace it as fully meeting your expectations.

[Danii]

As far as things go with his mom and sister I think he tries to keep our interaction at a minimum. Every time we talk he has to be right there. His mom sends me thank you cards and gifts all the time, and a card on my birthday. She's really sweet, and she appreciates that I help take care of him a little bit.

[carhill]

If the reality of his potential, if uncertain, death is disquieting to you in light of your relationship goals, then act on that. If you're OK with that milieu and can live happily in the moment without guarantee of happily ever after, then I think you can have some good times with he and his family now and into whatever life brings.

 

My best friend's wife and I sat up until about midnight last night after her H went to bed talking about mortality, death and how we handle those processes either being alone or in a relationship. It was a fruitful talk. Gave me a lot to think about, being an 'alone' guy.

 

Your guy may feel quite 'alone' even though he apparently has a pretty cool GF and family. He may not be alone, far from it, but rather feel alone; isolated. Again, either you're up for that milieu or you're not. We can't control anyone but ourselves.

[Danii]

If the reality of his potential, if uncertain, death is disquieting to you in light of your relationship goals, then act on that. If you're OK with that milieu and can live happily in the moment without guarantee of happily ever after, then I think you can have some good times with he and his family now and into whatever life brings.

 

My best friend's wife and I sat up until about midnight last night after her H went to bed talking about mortality, death and how we handle those processes either being alone or in a relationship. It was a fruitful talk. Gave me a lot to think about, being an 'alone' guy.

 

Your guy may feel quite 'alone' even though he apparently has a pretty cool GF and family. He may not be alone, far from it, but rather feel alone; isolated. Again, either you're up for that milieu or you're not. We can't control anyone but ourselves.

For me, I'm aware he is going to probably pass away. I think about it every day, cry about it almost every day too. I know the reality of what is happening, but I don't want to walk away. I don't want him to be alone, and I know he tries to isolate himself. Especially from me. Then when I back off he comes back and says how he loves me and wants me.

 

I'm scared of losing him, but not having him in my life because he's sick is so much worse.

[carhill]

From the sentimental side of life, something I learned from the person I later cared for until her death, that being to revel in the, even if few, moments of clarity of love and attachment for they will give the memories of life that nothing nor no person can take away. Now many years down the road, boy was she right.

 

Fear is human. Embrace it. It can strengthen you and guide you. How you process it is up to you. Fear of losing a loved one finds us all, at one time or another.

 

What's today's success? Lucky to be alive? Pretty cool, eh?

[Danii]

I think another element for me is I'm a little mad at our friends for setting us up. They knew he had cancer and didn't tell me! I think it's a little cruel. I try not to be too angry ever or get too upset over things and remain positive, but this is so hard because I'm mad at them. I love him, I love being with him, but maybe I wouldn't have gone on the date if I'd known...

[katiegrl]

I think another element for me is I'm a little mad at our friends for setting us up. They knew he had cancer and didn't tell me! I think it's a little cruel. I try not to be too angry ever or get too upset over things and remain positive, but this is so hard because I'm mad at them. I love him, I love being with him, but maybe I wouldn't have gone on the date if I'd known...

 

Yes I think it is cruel too.... and I am shocked that none of your friends had mentioned it. Have you asked them why they didn't tell you?

 

Is there a chance they don't know he has cancer?

 

I mean, I just can't imagine setting a friend up with a man who is terminal, doesn't have long to live and not telling her beforehand.

 

Just me.

 

In any event hun, hang in. It must be tough, falling in love with a man who doesn't have long to live, pushes you away only to come back after you give him space.... combined with being angry at friends for not telling you.

 

Double whammie. Triple whammie!

 

Please take care of you. YOU and your well being are important too.

 

((hugs))

Edited July 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[Danii]

Oh, they knew! It makes me so mad! Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better never meeting him, but I know in my heart that we needed to meet. Even if it's going to be for a short time. I just feel so happy with him.

 

I wish with all my heart he felt the same, but I just don't think he does. He text me a few minutes ago, but I haven't responded. It was just saying he loves me and he misses me. I haven't really talked to him in about three days.

[katiegrl]

Oh, they knew! It makes me so mad! Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better never meeting him, but I know in my heart that we needed to meet. Even if it's going to be for a short time. I just feel so happy with him.

 

I wish with all my heart he felt the same, but I just don't think he does. He text me a few minutes ago, but I haven't responded. It was just saying he loves me and he misses me. I haven't really talked to him in about three days.

 

When was the last time you saw him, spent time with him?

 

And I asked you this before, but is he undergoing chemo? Or did he ever?

 

And how much time does he have left, has he told you? I am sure his doctors have told him. You should know this too, no?

 

Honestly I really feel for you, but I don't know what to make of it.

 

Yes he is definitely keeping you at arms length, which given his situation is understandable I suppose.

 

But then after he gets enough space, he returns!

 

If he didn't have cancer, you know what I would say?

 

He has a fear of relationships/commitment.... blows hot/bold, and is stringing you along.

 

But since he does have cancer, it's a whole different ball game.

 

Which puts you in a rather precarious predicament, doesn't it. You can't get angry at him (cuz he's sick) but yet you're kept on the back burner wondering.

 

Same as another woman whose boyfriend DID have a fear of relationships and closeness.

 

Only difference is she CAN get mad at him and leave!

 

Again, this is soooooo tough. But all I can say is what I said before, take care of you!

 

Keep busy, go out with friends (preferably not the ones who lied to you, they're not friends IMO).

 

And just try to live your life as best and happily as you can. Be there for him as a friend.

 

((more hugs))

Edited July 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[Danii]

When was the last time you saw him, spent time with him?

 

And I asked you this before, but is he undergoing chemo? Or did he ever?

 

And how much time does he have left, has he told you? I am sure his doctors have told him. You should know this too, no?

 

Honestly I really feel for you, but I don't know what to make of it.

 

Yes he is definitely keeping you at arms length, which given his situation is understandable I suppose.

 

But then after he gets enough space, he returns!

 

If he didn't have cancer, you know what I would say?

 

He has a fear of relationships/commitment.... blows hot/bold, and is stringing you along.

 

But since he does have cancer, it's a whole different ball game.

 

Which puts you in a rather precarious predicament, doesn't it. You can't get angry at him (cuz he's sick) but yet you're kept on the back burner wondering.

 

Same as another woman whose boyfriend DID have a fear of relationships and closeness.

 

Only difference is she CAN get mad at him and leave!

 

Again, this is soooooo tough. But all I can say is what I said before, take care of you!

 

Keep busy, go out with friends (preferably not the ones who lied to you, they're not friends IMO).

 

And just try to live your life as best and happily as you can. Be there for him as a friend.

 

((more hugs))

 

If he wasn't sick I wouldn't tolerate this treatment. He is doing chemo yes. It's why he gets so sick. We saw each other on the first, and we spoke on the third. I was supposed to call him on the fourth but I went and did something else instead. Because sometimes I need the space too. It's so hard to be willing to do anything for someone when they don't want you to.

 

I wish I hadn't fallen this hard.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Danii

[katiegrl]

If he wasn't sick I wouldn't tolerate this treatment. He is doing chemo yes. It's why he gets so sick. We saw each other on the first, and we spoke on the third. I was supposed to call him on the fourth but I went and did something else instead. Because sometimes I need the space too.

 

It's so hard to be willing to do anything for someone when they don't want you to.

 

I hear ya girlfriend!

 

This is just a suggestion, but how about next time you talk to him, you let him know how you feel and that you think it's best you dial it back to being friends.

 

I would think that is actually what he needs anyway, more than a girlfriend.

 

A girlfriend, a RL may be too much pressure for him right now.

 

Also since he IS undergoing chemo, there is a very good possibility he will live. I mean look at carhill's friend's wife.... she's still around, right?

 

When people are terminal, meaning NO chance of survival, doctors will not recommend chemo as chemo won't help a terminally ill cancer patient.

 

>>Terminal illness is a disease that cannot be cured or adequately treated and that is reasonably expected to result in the death of the patient within a short period of time. This term is more commonly used for progressive diseases such as cancer or advanced heart disease than for trauma. <<

 

So since he IS undergoing chemo, it does not sound like he is terminal, and therefore has a strong chance of survival, so think positive thoughts.

 

Chemo doesn't last forever, and after it's over, he may go into remission, it's been known to happen even with stage four cancer patients.

Edited July 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[Danii]

This will be his last round if he doesn't improve, and my understanding is that he isn't.

 

He started calling after I didn't answer his texts. We talked for a little while, I just love the sound of his voice... I told him maybe we should think about spending less time together. His voice started to shake and he asked why. I told him that I love him, but I know he doesn't love me. He got really quiet and hung up. So we'll see where this goes.

[katiegrl]

This will be his last round if he doesn't improve, and my understanding is that he isn't.

 

He started calling after I didn't answer his texts. We talked for a little while, I just love the sound of his voice... I told him maybe we should think about spending less time together. His voice started to shake and he asked why. I told him that I love him, but I know he doesn't love me. He got really quiet and hung up. So we'll see where this goes.

 

This doesn't sound good but best of luck.

[Danii]

Now he's texting me non stop about being in love with me. Saying he can't believe I think that, and if he didn't love me I wouldn't have met his mom once let alone multiple times.

 

I just don't know what to do. I know he has a lot more important things going on in his life, and I probably don't help. Maybe that's why I should step away. I love him, I can't imagine how I'd spend my time without him, but I feel like maybe he wants to be alone.

[katiegrl]

Now he's texting me non stop about being in love with me. Saying he can't believe I think that, and if he didn't love me I wouldn't have met his mom once let alone multiple times.

 

I just don't know what to do. I know he has a lot more important things going on in his life, and I probably don't help. Maybe that's why I should step away. I love him, I can't imagine how I'd spend my time without him, but I feel like maybe he wants to be alone.

 

He sounds like a commitment phobe. His behavior is just so classic.

 

Hot/cold. Push/pull.

 

Pulls away after you get close, then comes back like gangbusters when "you" pull away. Just like he did tonight!

 

If this guy is truly terminally ill with stage four cancer, undergoing chemo, he would not be behaving this way.

 

And why won't he allow you to be alone with his mom and sister? Don't you think that is odd, what is he afraid of?

 

Research advanced stage four cancer hun.

 

People with cancer this advanced are so busy focusing on their health, managing pain and getting well .... that accepting blind dates, pursuing new romantic relationships , not to mention incorporating all this push/pull drama .... is the LAST thing on their agenda.... that is nuts, sorry.

 

Something is NOT jiving.

 

I think it is quite possible he has concocted this elaborate story as a way to create distance without your getting angry at him.

 

Wouldn't be the first time, commitment phobes will stop at nothing to create and maintain distance and have no shame!

 

I am not saying I am definitely right, but if you have not verified what he has told you with a reliable source like his mom or sister, please do so.

Edited July 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[salparadise]

Now he's texting me non stop about being in love with me. Saying he can't believe I think that...

 

I just don't know what to do. I know he has a lot more important things going on in his life, and I probably don't help. Maybe that's why I should step away. I love him, I can't imagine how I'd spend my time without him, but I feel like maybe he wants to be alone.

 

Oh my, you are dealing with a lot of stuff, and it's all mixed together in such a way as to leave you unsure how you feel about different aspects. I think you should be going to counseling for starters. The first time I went it was because both of my parents were terminally ill at the same time. It was huge. I found a way that gave it all meaning. I recommend you find a good counselor.

 

You are probably dealing with all of these at once... a man with an avoidant attachment style, feelings of new love, rejection, abandonment, grief and mortality, anger and resentment, loss of control of your own life... I could probably go on naming things, and you could probably go on even longer.

 

I think you need to get very real with it all. Your boyfriend needs you, even if/when he won't admit it or seems to be pushing you away. I think you should call him on it. Tell him no more of the push-pull BS––grow the phuk up and accept what you offer. Sometimes when he's pushing you away, he may actually be needing reassurance that you aren't going away. His is probably afraid to become dependent on you because he fears abandonment. Reassure him generously. Tell him that you aren't going to abandon him because of his cancer, but that you deserve and demand to be treated well.

 

He almost certainly feels like a burden to everyone who cares about him. Reassure him that he is not, and that your are there by choice, not obligation. Help him learn to accept everything and just be, as opposed to having conflicting feelings (dissonance) and feeling a need to fix it or act on it. Tell him that it's ok to hold some seemingly incongruent feelings at the same time.

 

You should probably read up on hospice care to learn more about how you can help him through the end of his journey. Remember, in the end all that really matters is love. You say you love him, he says he loves you. So get all of those other feelings from between you so you can express love freely. The other feelings don't need to be denied, they just shouldn't be used as road blocks.

 

I wish you the best on this. It's brave and generous of you to take this on. It may be the most meaningful chapter of your life, and his. Once you get the mixed feelings sorted out, it will be easier to be brave and know you're doing the right things.

[Timshel]

Please educate yourself regarding his diagnosis, prognosis, treatment and side effects.

 

If you choose to remain close either as a friend or lover, you need to have eyes wide open.

 

Once you are knowledgeable of his reality you will be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not you think you can stand with/by him through it.

 

If you do choose to remain with him as an informed partner, let him know that you are in it with two feet and his fear that you will become collateral damage is a mute point. You fully recognize the medical mayhem you are signing up for and have decided to continue the journey with him.

 

Choosing a therapist/support group should also be a high priority. Hospice has support groups for caregivers and can be of assistance for additional therapy.

 

Until you are informed of his illness and what he is/will be going through, there isn't any way that you can know if a romantic relationship should be pursued....whether or not you will be able to be there for him without destroying yourself. Get informed.

 

Best wishes

[Toodaloo]

Danii.

 

I have another take on this.

 

Two years ago I died. I was brought back and told if I lasted as long as 6 months it would be a miracle, 4 months and I would be lucky, so put my affairs in order and do what I needed to do to be at peace with myself before I died.

 

I can tell you it was terrifying in many ways. I didn't tell anyone. My mother was there both when I died and when they told me so she knew. Not my friends, not my father, work only knew I was seriously ill and I was on reduced hours... How do you fit in all those future years into such a short space of time? For me I reconciled it by prioritising it. I drew up my bucket list (I still carry it with me) and prioritised the things that were most important to me. When it came down to brass tacks there were only one or two things that I really needed to do before I died so I did them. One was to see my best friend again so I could hug her before I died (no I didn't tell her either) and the other was to get the hell out of a really crappy relationship I was in so my last days were not spent thinking about how miserable I was but instead concentrating on people I cared about and loved and who cared about and loved me.

 

I am still alive and kicking despite all the odds being against me and I am healthier than I have been for decades! No one can explain it. There is no reason for it. I should be dead.

 

Yes at the moment the chances are that he will die from cancer. If he didn't have cancer he could die in a car accident tomorrow. It happens. That is this crazy thing called life.

 

Taxes and death are the only certainties so I am going to advise you this. Quit wasting time. Tell him to quit wasting time. You may have precious little of it together anyway so the pair of you better get on and enjoy it while you can.

 

By the way I also volunteer for a charity that grants wishes to children who are dying. Since the charity started and started injecting some joy into those children's lives more and more are surviving and going on to make full recoveries than those who do not have their wishes granted... Just a thought...

 

Happiness can do wonders, it does make miracles happen. So from where I sit your next conversation with him should be telling him to stop dicking about with all the "go find someone else" crap, accept that you are there and not going anywhere and by the way there is this movie he is going to take you to or this new restaurant that you want him to take you to...

 

Yes if he dies it will hurt, but wasting time while he is here is going to hurt you both far more.

 

Also dying is not so bad. Its actually rather enjoyable and relaxing. Having been there I have no fear what so ever about going there again, its a really lovely process when it happens. I sure as heck did NOT want to come back. So death is nothing to fear, its not hard, the pain all goes away and its blissful. Living is the hard part, being sad because you can no longer touch someone or hug them is perfectly OK because when you stop for a moment and think about the people who have passed before you I bet you have this lovely swelling of love inside you... Its natural to miss people you love who have passed before you. It doesn't mean that life ends.

 

I also know that in order to have a good death one must lead a good life.

 

You both have a choice - its a simple one.

1. Mess about being miserable, over thinking and being all grown up and apart then later regret it

2. Mess about making each other laugh and if time comes have lots of happy silly memories and treasured grins to make you smile in the years to come...

 

My point is that if I had messed about like you two are I would never have got the chance to hug my best friend again. I would never have been able to say good bye. I would have regretted that. If I messed about I would have still been in a terrible relationship with a person who didn't give two hoots about me. I would have regretted that. So get up and live while you both still have that. Do not waste a single second. Stop creating future regrets.

 

From someone who has been where he is I hope that you will both listen to this. I hope that you will both find your little pieces of happiness while you can.

 

Best of luck.

 

Toodles.

[Popsicle]

I recently started dating a man that my friends set me up with. We met on a blind date and I was attracted to him immediately. On the second date he asked if anyone told me he has cancer. No one had mentioned it, and I was a little hurt, but I'm so attracted to him I just kept seeing him.

 

His cancer is pretty advanced, stage 4. He keeps telling me I should stop wasting my time with him. The thing is, its not a waste of my time, I love him. We've been seeing each other for about four months now, and have yet to get passed second base. Every time I suggest something more he says I should just go... he keeps saying I deserve someone more... I've met his mom, I've met his sister, but he keeps pushing me away.

 

What should I do?

 

Keep dating him if you want to!