Is it justified to feel disrespected when your SO stops texting you back mid convo?

July 7, 2016

I've had this issue with a girl I'd been dating for a while. Whenever we were texting and I said something that offended her, she'd just disappear from the conversation.

I'm not talking about casual texts throughout the day, I'm talking about our messages are less than a minute apart, a live back and forth, and all of a sudden I might say something that annoys her, and boom, she vanishes, sometimes for the rest of the day.

I've mentioned this once before. That I think this is very disrespectful, but I don't think I've made it clear. I want to know how you all feel about it, just to get opinions.

For me this is a total deal breaker. I understand that people get frustrated at times. I don't mind her saying "brb" or "talk to you later, I gotta go," or "I'm sorry I don't want to talk about this right now, I have to go," or "it really bothered me when you said this."

I'm not clingy, I'm not going to pursue her to resolve the issue right then and there. I will let her be on her way and give her the space she needs. But I feel like I need to be made aware that she's departing. Even if the issue is not resolved, I feel like the respect is still in tact by her doing so, and that is important to me. It's exactly how I would behave if I got annoyed. In fact I rarely if ever just leave a conversation if I get annoyed.

Is this reasonable?

Edited July 7, 2016 by Ocino

July 7, 2016

Yeah it's reasonable. But is it a big deal? I mean you know she's annoyed, you know she needs time/space to process it now, so what difference does it make if she tells you or not?

If you said something stupid and she gives you the cold shoulder just apologise for something, it works very well on girls, like magic.

Are you frustrated she always gets annoyed or just frustrated she doesn't tell you she's annoyed? the first one is a problem the second one is petty

July 7, 2016

Yeah it's reasonable. But is it a big deal? I mean you know she's annoyed, you know she needs time/space to process it now, so what difference does it make if she tells you or not?

If you said something stupid and she gives you the cold shoulder just apologise for something, it works very well on girls, like magic.

Are you frustrated she always gets annoyed or just frustrated she doesn't tell you she's annoyed? the first one is a problem the second one is petty

Not that she doesn't tell me she's annoyed. It's that she simply disappears without saying anything at all, and I'm left guessing and putting the pieces together. To me it's the equivalent of randomly hanging up in the middle of a telephone conversation.

I'm frustrated that I'll be texting, not be entirely sure that I said something that annoyed her, and then she just disappears. I mean I never do that to her, ever.

There are times where she's genuinely busy, or occupied and that's normal, but the times when she just goes dark, it ticks me off. If she were to actually tell me what was bothering her I would apologize. I'm very self reflective and not too stubborn or proud to own up to my mistakes, even if I don't fully agree with her. Or just end the conversation in a mature way without telling me the reason that's fine too.

Is this a girl thing? Because I simply don't get it. It just happened this evening and I want to make it clear to her that I simply won't put up with it. Is it truly petty? If so, I can try to work around it a little more. I'm not the most experienced with relationships and I would like to establish boundaries. I feel like she will keep doing this if I don't say anything.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Ocino

July 7, 2016

Just tell her that you would like her to step and be an adult about it. If something is upsetting her then she needs to just say it, then you can correct it and everyone is happy again. simple communication.

July 7, 2016

Not that she doesn't tell me she's annoyed. It's that she simply disappears without saying anything at all, and I'm left guessing and putting the pieces together. To me it's the equivalent of randomly hanging up in the middle of a telephone conversation.

I'm frustrated that I'll be texting, not be entirely sure that I said something that annoyed her, and then she just disappears. I mean I never do that to her, ever.

There are times where she's genuinely busy, or occupied and that's normal, but the times when she just goes dark, it ticks me off. If she were to actually tell me what was bothering her I would apologize. I'm very self reflective and not too stubborn or proud to own up to my mistakes, even if I don't fully agree with her. Or just end the conversation in a mature way without telling me the reason that's fine too.

Is this a girl thing? Because I simply don't get it. It just happened this evening and I want to make it clear to her that I simply won't put up with it. Is it truly petty? If so, I can try to work around it a little more. I'm not the most experienced with relationships and I would like to establish boundaries. I feel like she will keep doing this if I don't say anything.

lol not a girl thing, some guys do it too. Maybe she's just not a good communicator. It's not petty if she's constantly annoyed by you, it's an actual problem. Sure have a talk with her about it. Depends on what she's angry about, maybe she is the unreasonable one

July 7, 2016

Just tell her that you would like her to step and be an adult about it. If something is upsetting her then she needs to just say it, then you can correct it and everyone is happy again. simple communication.

You'd think it would be that simple. But as I've said, I've mentioned this to her once before. And I'm really trying to be fair here, but I get this feeling that with her if I were to put my issue the way you've just worded it, in the manner you've just worded it, the message would not be totally received.

I fear she won't think I'm being serious and within a few weeks it'll happen again. I'm not one of these "show them I mean business types," but I really want this to sink in so I don't have to say it again after this.

Either she listens, I make less of a deal out of it, or I leave the relationship. Ugh. I don't know how to go about it. It's just very frustrating. I don't want to turn it into a fight either.

July 7, 2016

I guess her not responding back after you've texted something that offended her or upset her, is HER way of telling you that what you just said offended her!

Would you rather her tell you immediately that she's offended and then have an argument about it?

Maybe she needs a moment to chill down before confronting you about it.

Me?

When my ex and I got into something like that, I would immediately say "okay that's offensive, I am gonna sign off now, talk to ya later."

He rarely, if ever, just let it go though. He would want to discuss NOW, texting, calling..... while I needed a few to chill down.

Edited July 7, 2016 by katiegrl

July 7, 2016

You'd think it would be that simple. But as I've said, I've mentioned this to her once before. And I'm really trying to be fair here, but I get this feeling that with her if I were to put my issue the way you've just worded it, in the manner you've just worded it, the message would not be totally received.

I fear she won't think I'm being serious and within a few weeks it'll happen again. I'm not one of these "show them I mean business types," but I really want this to sink in so I don't have to say it again after this.

Either she listens, I make less of a deal out of it, or I leave the relationship. Ugh. I don't know how to go about it. It's just very frustrating. I don't want to turn it into a fight either.

It would work if you spoke to her about it face to face. Never discuss issues via text. If it turns into a fight then you have your answer....get out now!

July 7, 2016

I guess her not responding back after you've texted something that offended her or upset her, is HER way of telling you that what you just said offended her!

I know that's what it is, and I said I think it's disrespectful to just ditch me like that. This is partially the point of my post, asking if others feel it is or is not disrespectful.

Would you rather her tell you immediately that she's offended and then have an argument about it?

This is a false dichotomy in that you are omitting a third option: her telling me immediately that she's offended and me apologizing or giving her the space she needs. An argument is not inevitable or even likely with me. As I said, I can let things like that go and concede just to help the exchange go smoothly.

Maybe she needs a moment to chill down before confronting you about it.

She has yet to come back from one of her silent treatments and communicate her issues. It's typically swept under the carpet, and treated like she didn't just ditch me, and yet the core issue is never resolved.

Me?

When my ex and I got into something like that, I would immediately say "okay that's offensive, I am gonna sign off now, talk to ya later."

He rarely, if ever, just let it go though. He would want to discuss NOW, texting, calling..... while I needed a few to chill down.

I prefer that communication, because that is what I would do. I feel like that is what people do face to face and over the phone as well. Back and forth conversational texting should be no different in my opinion. However, unlike your ex, as I've said, I am very willing to let it go and allow space, even if I don't agree. As I said I'm not clingy in that regard. I'm empathetic, I know how it feels when one is peeved.

July 7, 2016

Anyway, I've decided to have a talk about it over the phone. Can't do it face to face because she's in another continent for a couple months. I will attempt polite but firm.

July 7, 2016

Immature and games. I wouldn't stand for that either.

Do you have a long distance relationship? Do you normally live in the same city?

July 7, 2016

Immature and games. I wouldn't stand for that either.

Do you have a long distance relationship? Do you normally live in the same city?

It's a long distance non-relationship working towards becoming a full fledged committed relationship in the fall, in the same city, if things go well. So far it's been up and down. But we have a history together and we do better when we're in the same city.

July 7, 2016

Anyway, I've decided to have a talk about it over the phone. Can't do it face to face because she's in another continent for a couple months.

That seals it.

Don't talk about anything. Roll off, and start approaching other women instead.

She doesn't respect you, and you don't respect you.

A little talk isn't going to change that.

July 7, 2016

That seals it.

Don't talk about anything. Roll off, and start approaching other women instead.

She doesn't respect you, and you don't respect you.

A little talk isn't going to change that.

Wow, that is pretty harsh. Just cut it off now? Not even worth seeing how the conversation goes? I typically like to give people a chance.

July 7, 2016

Your situation is different due to long distance, but this is why I try to avoid texting for extended conversations. As a guy who used to overtext, I've found the adage to be true:

Use texts for quick information and to set up dates only whenever possible.

Too much texting can ruin a relationship.

July 7, 2016

Wow, that is pretty harsh. Just cut it off now? Not even worth seeing how the conversation goes? I typically like to give people a chance.

Based on what you've said here, I'd put little effort into her.

She should be trying harder to keep your interest. And you should be seeing others.

She is drifting off from your conversations, because that is a reflection of what your attention is worth (IE very little). It's abundant, and she knows that she can have it whenever she wants.

A talk will achieve nothing, deep down.

July 7, 2016

Your situation is different due to long distance, but this is why I try to avoid texting for extended conversations. As a guy who used to overtext, I've found the adage to be true:

Use texts for quick information and to set up dates only whenever possible.

Too much texting can ruin a relationship.

I leaning toward agreeing with Jabs^^.... I know stop the presses! LOL

But seriously, you did say this in your initial post.

For me this is a total deal breaker

Dealbreaker = the end, over, done.

And then there was this.

It's a long distance non-relationship working towards becoming a full fledged committed relationship in the fall, in the same city, if things go well.

This isn't a RL and you are not even in the same city.

Why not cool things off, and wait until the two of you are actually in the same city, where you won't need to rely on text to communicate and you can spend actual time together?

July 7, 2016

I've had this issue with a girl I'd been dating for a while. Whenever we were texting and I said something that offended her, she'd just disappear from the conversation.

I'm not talking about casual texts throughout the day, I'm talking about our messages are less than a minute apart, a live back and forth, and all of a sudden I might say something that annoys her, and boom, she vanishes, sometimes for the rest of the day.

I've mentioned this once before. That I think this is very disrespectful, but I don't think I've made it clear. I want to know how you all feel about it, just to get opinions.

For me this is a total deal breaker. I understand that people get frustrated at times. I don't mind her saying "brb" or "talk to you later, I gotta go," or "I'm sorry I don't want to talk about this right now, I have to go," or "it really bothered me when you said this."

I'm not clingy, I'm not going to pursue her to resolve the issue right then and there. I will let her be on her way and give her the space she needs. But I feel like I need to be made aware that she's departing. Even if the issue is not resolved, I feel like the respect is still in tact by her doing so, and that is important to me. It's exactly how I would behave if I got annoyed. In fact I rarely if ever just leave a conversation if I get annoyed.

Is this reasonable?

Yet, another good reason not to carry on whole conversations and attempting to develop/keep a relationship connected via texting . . . pick up the phone and call each other. She may hang up but you will be able to tell by the tone of her voice and she will likely say something at least before hanging up. If not, she is an immature woman who does not respect you either way.

July 7, 2016

Dealbreaker = the end, over, done.
Yes, for me it was a deal breaker. But I stated I'm not experienced in relationships and want to know if other people consider it a deal breaker as well. If I hear other contrary reasoning maybe it's something I can adjust. I don't want to just invent deal breakers arbitrarily.

However after reading the responses, I think I'll be sticking to my guns. I think it's too immature and disrespectful for me, if she cannot change. Which brings me to my second point, I have not told her this is a deal breaker yet, so she doesn't even know that. Maybe if I do she'd pay more attention. Maybe she'll stop. She's 28 years old now and looking to settle down and have kids.

Jabron doesn't seem to think talking will make a difference, but if I may add some context for the both of you. Things are already pretty cooled down as far as our interaction. We aren't in a relationship and I am seeing someone else casually, explicitly non-exclusive, and I'm talking to girls on dating apps.

This particular girl and I haven't been talking for a while (months), and she recently got back in touch to tell me she'd be willing to move to be with me, that she's willing to adjust her conduct to be more considerate of my feelings. I have seen her making an effort in other areas, but this particular issue feels like a relapse and it's not something I've firmly explained to her yet. So I was thinking one conversation, to see how things go. I don't think we'll be starting things back up immediately until she's back in the States this fall and if we both happen to be single. In the meantime however, I'd still like to know where her head is at.

July 7, 2016

Based on what you've said here, I'd put little effort into her.

She should be trying harder to keep your interest. And you should be seeing others.

She is drifting off from your conversations, because that is a reflection of what your attention is worth (IE very little). It's abundant, and she knows that she can have it whenever she wants.

A talk will achieve nothing, deep down.

Sorry on my last post (#17), this^^ is the post (from Jabron) I meant to attach and the one I agree with.

I agree with Teknoe too, but Jabron's is the one I meant to attach.

You said yourself her behavior is a dealbreaker, you are not even in a RL, so yeah keep it light, pursue other chicks, until you are both in the same city.

Play it out then....

Edited July 7, 2016 by katiegrl

July 7, 2016

I dunno, I'm of two minds here. I mean, realistically, people have stuff to do - can't just sit around texting all day. If both of you are free enough to be firing texts off that quickly then why not CALL and have a voice conversation? My SO and I were LD for some time and we still rarely used texts except to touch base when actual talking wasn't possible. The rest of the time, if we wanted to have an actual conversation, we would Skype/phone. There's just too much ambiguity in texting, plus the lack of vocal expression causes misunderstanding.

On the other hand, if this literally only happens when you 'say something that annoys her' (like what?) and she stops contacting you for the next 24 hours over that, I would get annoyed by that too.

July 7, 2016

Jabron doesn't seem to think talking will make a difference

The reason I say this is because I have dealt with a lot of low-interest women, and telling them off doesn't work.

Her behaviour will probably change for a bit, and then slip right back.

Worth a shot, if that's what you want - just don't have high expectations.

this particular issue feels like a relapse

Expect a lot more relapses is what I'm trying to say.

It doesn't matter what plans she has for you. She sounds low-interest as far as I'm concerned.

I wouldn't make a big effort. Next time she does this nonsense, send her this message:

"?"

Then, if she still doesn't get back to you within 12/24 hours or so, forget about her for a week.

One less thing to worry about.

That's what I would do

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Is it justified to feel disrespected when your SO stops texting you back mid convo?

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