Honey moon stage is now a battle field

[FaithInTheDark]

My bf and I have exited the honey moon stage and have been fighting alot for the past couple months...

It's gotten worse since I moved in... My roommate moved in as well... For financial reasons.

The dynamic between us in the house has a lot of tension mostly because my bf feels like we've taken over his house. It's an awful feeling to have him remind me it's his house not mine. And at times we don't enjoy my roommate lifestyle..

We also have major problems in the bedroom, which stems from a lot of my recent depression.

From my depression ,lack of sex and not having my own house to run too during fights is surfacing very negativity.

Small fights that could be moved on from erupt into big ones because I get really angry and can't control my emotions.

I expect passion in my relationship and it's burned out.

Last night my bf worked late.. I called twice with no answer or call back.. I waited in bed until I eventually fell asleep.

He came home at midnight.. Drunk.... He ended up going out with friends to the bar.

I want him to have fun but at least let me know where he is. I felt disrespectfed

I got upset to the point I got into my car and left the house for two hours. I don't know if I over reacted but he could of just kept me in the loop so I wasn't worrying.

He was begging me to come home and apologized..

I went to work today and his guilt turned into anger.

He says in always mad at him and now he's become very depressed.

It's not just his fault. I'm miserable, get upset and small things and feel unfulfilled by him. But don't feel like my needs are being met.

I said we need a break because we spent every single day together.. He said life isn't worth living without me

We fight constantly and I don't knew what to do anymore... It's becoming unhealthy but we love each other

Any advice

Edited July 6, 2016 by FaithInTheDark

[morrowrd]

Your boyfriend needs to remember, he's "got the girl" (*you* - a very valuable item, in my opinion very much worth the sacrifice) and "his" home is not just his anymore. It's all of yours, and if he's not making you feel that way, he shouldn't have invited you in. Nothings free.....he can't live alone, and have his girlfriend live with him without a footprint.

 

Here's some advice....you are in a transitioning stage. Pretty much getting used to living with each other, and your room mate. If your boyfriend can be patient, and all of you communicate and work together on keeping the living space neat and clean, you'll get through it.

Edited July 6, 2016 by morrowrd

[Gaeta]

How long have you dated before moving in?

 

The only solution is to move out. It's never a good idea to move in together for financial reasons. You were not ready and on top of that you get a 3rd party in the house. Who wants to start their living together with a room-mate hovering around.

[FaithInTheDark]

We've been together for almost a year.

It was our 9th month moving in.

[Satu]

This might sound simplistic:

 

Do not use harsh or insulting speech.

 

It never helps, and always hurts.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

 

Once you pull the verbal daggers out, your conflict becomes a freakout, and no progress can be made.

 

This advice applies to both of you.

 

Conflict isn't necessarily bad, but don't let it turn into verbal violence.

 

 

Take care.

[FaithInTheDark]

I never name call... I usually just start crying or leave the house...

But you're right... I need to assess before reacting

[leogirl876]

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it's ever a good idea to move into together unless you're married. Why give him wife benefits without being a wife? It rarely ever works out...

[RecentChange]

OP - this doesn't sound like it is working to me - and it doesn't sound like it is going to work.

 

He loves you, you love him - I get it, but ya know what? Sometimes love isn't enough, you have to be compatible as well. This is your first test as a couple and its failing.

 

You say you want passion in a relationship, but it also sounds like there is a lot of drama. Fighting all the time? Who enjoys that? What kind of love and passion does that foster? Very little sex? Again - where is the passion?

 

In my opinion the 1 year mark is pretty early for the honeymoon to be over.

 

To me, it sounds more like moving in together made your incompatibilities visible.

 

I also question if you are really healthy enough to have a healthy relationship right now. Are you in treatment? If your depression is causing a lack of sex - that is going to affect the relationship. If you can't control your emotions, that is going to affect the relationship.

 

If you need a place to run away to, and you need space to not see him every day - living together does not sound like a good idea, and further - where do you see the two of you in 5 years?

 

And lastly, I can see things from his side. He has a house, we was used to living a certain way - and now his home, for many of us, our sanctuary to get away from the stresses of life - is a source of stress in itself. That is never a fun position to be put in.

 

What is the living arrangement with your roommate etc? What are the sources of conflict there?

 

Living in San Francisco - where the AVERAGE rent for a two bedroom apartment is $4,750 a month - all sorts of young couples have roommates, its a common practice here, and doable if people respect boundaries and have solid understandings of the dynamics.

 

Often - if one person owns, or has leased the place for a while, they are the "primary" and the common spaces, living room etc essentially belong to them. Sub-lessees have some kitchen privilages etc - but do not expect to hog the TV or redecorate the living room.

 

I am just wondering if toes have been stepped on

[Satu]

I never name call... I usually just start crying or leave the house...

But you're right... I need to assess before reacting

 

I'm glad to hear it.

 

It sounds like you really need a place where you can go to decompress.

 

I agree with RecentChange, this situation isn't working.

 

Think about possible alternatives.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Satu

[FaithInTheDark]

I've become due to a rough patch but was a very positive person before.

He invited me to live with him... I pay my rent...like the other writer said.. There are sacficifes that have to be made when you invite someone to live untried home. I've been a very independent women so this is a huge adjustment.

As for the sex.. It's been an issue early on in the relationship....

He says I've damaged his self esteem by "complaining " about it.. When I've been very careful voicing my needs.... He says how he feels judge when it happens so he hesitates..therefore it doesn't happen.

Thus, i become hurt and resentful.....

Maybe living together has shown we aren't compatible...

I've become miserable and hes not the type to make much of an effort... He just pulls away

[Satu]

snip

*Maybe living together has shown we aren't compatible...

I've become miserable and hes not the type to make much of an effort... He just pulls away

 

*I think it has.

 

There's no shame in that, and it isn't anyones fault; its just not working.

 

Contemplate your options.

[RecentChange]

I've become miserable and hes not the type to make much of an effort... He just pulls away

 

Sooooo why are staying? You don't have kids, you arent married, and one year in is very early to become miserable!

 

Not to mention not much time has been invested at this point. Start making arrangements you can move on.

[Gaeta]

 

He says I've damaged his self esteem by "complaining " about it..

 

He says how he feels judge when it happens so he hesitates..therefore it doesn't happen.

 

There are a few things that once they have been broken they cannot be glued back together, ever. Like a man's self-esteem and pride.

 

He does not feel a full man in front of you anymore.

 

It's time to move on for both your sake.

[Leigh 87]

It is about 10 months with my bf too.

 

I can reoate a lot to your post. We moved in together at one stage and had loads of arguments and were very on and off.

 

We hsd financial issues mostly and to further agrvate what was a difficult financial time for us( he was in a series if casual jobs for months before he found something permanant full time. So it was stressful when his 1 casial contract end3d and he was then technically un employed. He managed to find a new job the next day but it was still MASSIVELy stressful+ I am a student and couldnt contribute).

In addition to moving in together, two 2 new places on very short notice, we also both have personal defects.

We are both best suited to the singledome than we are to being in relationships.

 

We are now financially comfortable and have moved passed the arguing.

 

The thing is----- we never lost the passion or spark in the bedroom. We never doubted that we were the One for each other. We both just knew that we had individual personal issues we needed to address.

 

We are still very honeymoony and in the honeymoon stage despite having a heavy adjustment period to the relationship----- we are still all over each other, and glowing with sparkle in our eyes when we look at each other.

 

We still always hold hands and kiss and act new couple like when out grocery shopping.

 

 

 

 

...... is there any light at the end of the tunnel in your case? I mean.... did you feel a special connection? Did you EVER have much passion? Cause' when there is fighting THAT early in...... it better be a soul mate type if deal in order for even considering staying!!!!!!!!..

 

We chose to stay because we strongly believed that, we both had deap seated and ingrained personal issues.....and mental health problems.... that we would overcome the adjustment to a new relationship period and rise above the issues they were evoking within us both.

We knew where the arguing riginated from and felt that what we had was so special that we HAD TO at least TRY our best to get our indivudual personal issues managed and under control.

 

It will rarely lead to a goor outcome when you are experiencing issues this early on.... and I would only even CONTEMPLATE working this out with him if you have some ear5h shattering connection and you DO feel compatible!

 

My bf and I felt very compatible. It was purely the financial harship and our personal issues that plagued us; we felt so mucb passion and such great compatability, that we just couldnt throw in the towel.

 

I did date a lot and my bf had enough experiejfe with crushes and women...... we both knew we had a rare enough connection ( compatability and fireworks and passion) to bother seeing our fledging relationship through the rough patch that we did acknowledge that NO NEW COUPOE SHOULD EVEN BE HAVING.

 

 

I really don't like the sound of your situation at all! It is honestly REALLY bad to argue within the first year..... and without passion in the bedroom as you described, I fail to see this as some earth shattering connection that only comes about once every ten years.

 

I had mutual and instant chemistry and emotional depth only ONCE prior to my bf...... over 10 years ago........ and we truly did feel what we had was special enough to battle the low odds with ( we DID realise that there was low odds of it working, since arguing this early was a usually lethal sign to ANY new relationship).

 

Tbh, I would not even bother in your case! I mean... early drama us awful enough of a sign that your relationship is doomed...

 

Even worse- you do not have absolutely SIZZLING passion or compatability, in orderto make staying together WORTH IT!

[Els]

The dynamic between us in the house has a lot of tension mostly because my bf feels like we've taken over his house.

 

Why does he feel this way? Was he not on board with you moving in to begin with? Whose idea was it to have the roommate come, and whose financial issues did it stem from?

[Grewd]

I suggest you break up. You two don't love each other. People who love each other don't treat each other like that. Don't find a guy who can't live without you, dependency like that is not good in a relationship.

 

I know this is probably gonna be hard for you, but please take a look at the future projections here. It's not headed in a good direction and do you honestly believe it will turn around anytime soon if ever?

[azaleigha]

Would it be possible for you to go elsewhere for a little while, to see how that affects your relationship? Maybe you're truly not compatible, and being apart before taking that final step could help solidify that possibility. Have you ever considered talking to a counselor, either individually or together? Have you been able to sit down and have a calm discussion with your boyfriend about how you're feeling, and maybe find out his point of view about everything too? I know it can sometimes be hard to have those conversations without either one or both people getting defensive, but it might be worth a shot just to see where he is with the issues you've brought up here. I hope that you're able to work through all of this to find the best solution for both of you, so that you can have the best life you're able to. Blessings, friend.

[JewelD]

Move out. Before he kicks the both of you out. 9months is really early to move in with a guy, especially with another person.

 

You're acting like a married couple and you're not married so that's why it's not working. He didn't tell you where he was going, but you live together. You know he's going to come back eventually. Did you have to know where he was going every second when you didn't live together?

 

The relationship might be salvageable, but only if you move out ASAP. Your roommate too, idk why she feels comfortable living with a couple but I can see why your bf might resent you for it. Even though he asked you to move in, he clearly thought he was doing the right thing. It's not what either of you want though.

 

I dated a guy for three years and although we never officially lived together, he was at my apt all the time. At first it was nice, but then I was pissed bc he would mess with my things, wouldn't clean anything up, and was trying to take over my space like it belonged to the both of us.

 

We'd get into arguments and he'd call his friends over to help him collect all his crap out of my house so he could storm out like an angry wife. and he did it multiple times. It was strange as hell. but that's what happens when you move in with people.

 

You start seeing things about them you never noticed before, you realize you have new ways to control/hurt them (leaving and not coming back for the sole purpose of pissing the other person off) and its easy to see why people don't move in together unless they are married, engaged, or have been together for a decent amount of time.

 

Another horror story, my best friend lived with her bf for several years. He was cheating on her. When she found out, they had to break the lease and pay the hefty fines, plus she had to find a new place in a hurry. Luckily, she had people to help her, but it sounds like you don't. If you don't move out on your own soon, you might be forced to later.