BrunetteBabe1005 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Hello, I have an issue that mindboggles me. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year now, and have been friends before that, for 5 months. All he talked about his ex since the day I met him, Gia. Gia and him got into a physical domestic fight, and it resulted in her getting a restraining order on him. He said that because she was needy, and she punched him, and hit him a lot, he snapped. it was two sided, and his friends said they even witnessed her just hitting him for no reason, because I guess Gia is kinda wacky. So, she got a restraining order, and he has to pay fines and what not. He said that he went to jail and lost his career, and lost a lot of things due to her. He said he was always annoyed by her, and didn't want her, was trying to break up with her all the time, and she didn't want to. He basically was at his wits end with Gia. However, this coming September is going to be the 3 year mark on the restraining order, it will be lifted because it's only good for 3 years. Recently he told me he felt bad for her. I said "Funny. Why would you feel bad for someone that ruined your career and alot of other things? I thought you always hated her?" He said "i do, but I still feel bad because she's doing drugs and I hope it's not what I did to her." I said "well, if you want her then leave me now." He said "NO! Why would I want a druggie, and why would I want someone I was trying to get rid of? I just want her to be happy and not go down a destructive path. I don't care enough to want her back." I said "Well, she is always on your mind constantly, and it bothers me that you know a little too much about her. " He said "Because people that are friends with me and her inform me, I don't personally ask about her, and that's how i know because of mutual friends." I told him not to bring up her name around me anymore. He doesn't but when he's drunk he'll tell me the whole story that i heard a million times about how they got into a physical fight. He literally is repetitive and just won't stop. I told him I am worried that when the restraining order is up that he'll contact her, and i don't want my heart broken. He claims he would never do that, and that she is a druggie loser, that he wants nothing to do with, but he just feels bad that she is doing that? He claims he doesnt care enough though to contact her. I think it's BS because I keep telling him that I feel like a backseat to her. I feel like she is top priority, and I am nothing. He said "babe she ruined my career, she ruined a lot of things. its hard for me to let go of someone who did so much damage in my life, I don't like her. I don't want her back, I just am angry because she messed my life up, and anyways why would i want someone back if I was trying to rid them in the first place?" I I don't know...I told him not to mention her at all to me and if he is angry he should see a therapist or talk to his guy friends, not me. It's disrespectful, and I have been hearing the same thing for a year now. He will say little things like "I went to go get cigarettes, and Gia was there so i left." "I saw Gia passing the red light next to me, she got really fat." saying things like that, that I don't want to hear!!!! I don't care. He was the one that brought it up to me that a mutual friend sent him screenshots of her new facebook, and he deleted the onversation between him and this mutual friend, but yet told me, and said "I am about honesty, and i just wanted to tell you that a mutual friend sent me screenshots of Gia's Fb, and he was telling me about her." I said "Show me this conversation." He said "I deleted it because I wanted nothing to do with it, and didn't care, but i figured it would be right in telling you anyways." I am confused and said "What's your point???" He said "Just being honest." I am like "Ummmm.....ok? well you're kind not if you deleted the convo?" He said "Because initially I didn't want to deal with it or see it, but I figured i would tell you anyways." I am very confused. I want your opinions on this. I don't want to be heartbroken, but literally all he does is talk about her in a negative way constantly now is saying he feels bad for what he did to her. I am just baffled. Need help. Thanks.
Author BrunetteBabe1005 Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 I am just really afraid because he also said he blocked her, when I found out through a mutual friend and even saw in his phone that he didn't block her, Gia blocked him on Facebook. I am told she's over him and wants nothing to do with him, but it's the point that I don't if he's over her? Or just angry? I am weary because she is brought up so much. Even if it's hate filed thoughts, she still shouldn't be on his mind like that though. Just tell me your honest opinion and if you think he's just mentally screwed up because of what happened in his life? Or is it that he has underlying feelings?
Jabron1 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Just tell me your honest opinion and if you think he's just mentally screwed up because of what happened in his life? Or is it that he has underlying feelings? Yep. He still has the feels for her. Probably unwanted. What do you think about that? What are you going to do?
Zahara Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I read your past threads. He has issues with alcohol, a criminal record, treats you badly, and lying about blocking her -- honestly, as dysfunctional as he sounds, there may be a possibility that he is addicted to that kind of drama and may just revisit her again. No one can actually tell you if he decides to open communication with her but what would be more appropriate is why you've stayed in this relationship. 4
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Your BF is just as much part of that drama as she was. He could have, should have walked but he didn't. Some who are like that lacks self worth and respect for themselves. BIG RED FLAG. He is still carrying around that attachment to her, it has never left him. It is so unhealthy in every way. The warning signs were there since the beginning. I say it's a bit of both...unresolved feelings and abandonment issues....possibly stemming from childhood. You can do one of two things...get you both into therapy, because there is more to it then this ex, or just plain cut your losses and run for the hills. Me personally, I would never ever date someone with such a history of drama and violence.
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I read your past threads. He has issues with alcohol, a criminal record, treats you badly, and lying about blocking her -- honestly, as dysfunctional as he sounds, there may be a possibility that he is addicted to that kind of drama and may just revisit her again. No one can actually tell you if he decides to open communication with her but what would be more appropriate is why you've stayed in this relationship. Issues with alcohol and has a criminal past...OP give your head a shake. You don't have a relationship with someone to "fix" them and their problems. That is so dysfunctional in itself. Jeez Louise!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 He still has an emotional soft spot for her. It sounds like he has a soft spot for drama too. Bad combination. 2
kismetkismet Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 This all sounds like bad news. A negative fixation on an ex is still a fixation, and is a lot more emotional involvement than feeling indifferent and moved on from someone. I'm not saying you have to feel warmly about someone to be over them.. but even if you had a terrible break up with someone, once you've emotionally moved on the negative feelings are more just a distant distaste. You don't go on actively hating them and dragging up past issues. This guy sounds like bad news for so many reasons.
Snow_Queen Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 When I read your post, I had to comment since I had a similar experience. All the guy did was rant about his ex then tell me how grateful he was that I wasn't like her. That's literally the only thing he liked about me. It became so bad, I felt like I knew her better than I knew him (and I never met her!). Every conversation, every date, every interaction ended with him complaining about her. Obviously, some very strong feelings still existed and discussing my discontent with this did not encourage him to stop. So, I dumped him and I highly recommend you do the same with you bf. 2
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I think anyone who talks incessantly about their ex or any man (or woman), even if it's negative, still has feelings for that person. He can deny it until hell freezes over, he is not over her, and yah do not be surprised if he does contact her. Sounds like he may be addicted to drama.... Unless you are too, I would consider ending this, as difficult as that might be. You WILL get over it, and eventually find a man who loves you, respects you, and does not have lingering feelings for his ex or previous dysfunctional RL. 1
preraph Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 It IS a bad sign when a guy never gets past the bitter diatribe about his ex. To me, it's one sign that he is not taking any responsibility for his part in it and putting it to rest. How things ended with relationships in the past are the best indicator to how yours will end and the aftermath. And it gets real old hearing about it, and if it's on his mind that much, so is she.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I would not get into a relationship with a man who mentions his ex a lot. Ex wife, Ex finance, ex girlfriend. Ex whatever. Yeah here and there for a back story. But you don't even need to really know the woman's name. There was someone else before he met you, and that someone is not in their life anymore. He needs to concentrate on you and if he was really over his ex, he wouldn't even mention her because she would be far from his mind. ugggh dump him. Then YOU"LL be the next ex he complains about to his next girlfriend. lol. 1
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