Frequently busy and uninvested girlfriend over text [update 2016-07-07]

[Roflcopter]

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Hello, I am posting this (first) topic because I need help with dealing with my current relationship. I'm 15 and so is she, we're both in the same class in high school.

 

I had been crushing on this girl for almost 2 years, and I even got rejected last year. I will not go into too much detail on how i found out she liked me back, but simply put, she slipped a note into my agenda. Anyhow, since I've known this, I got her number and we'd been chatting for more and more. I asked for a relationship a couple of months ago but she rejected it, saying she wasn't ready for it. We still continued chatting and got to know eachother better and better. I then decided I needed to ask her out on a meeting, and even though I had started losing hope, she accepted. It wasn't the kind of date in the movies, just a meeting in a park nearby (We live in a small town). She didn't have any excuse to get out of the house, so she took an occasion when her parents left, but that only gave us around 40 minutes. Still, we chatted and laughed and it all went well.

 

It's been a month and a half since our first "date", and after a couple more of them, I finally talked to her about why she didn't feel like having a relationship (That was a week ago). To my surprise, she said that she didn't mind at this point. So cool, I finally have a girlfriend.

 

Before I dive into the problems, I should tell you that she is quite a outgoing person in character, but she hasn't ever dated before so I can understand that she may have been a bit afraid of it. Also, she doesn't want to talk about it to her parents, whatever happens, because she is scared they will make fun of her. She doesn't want others of our class, not even her best friends (She has two best friends, but she says they are annoying and she only hangs out with them because she has no other ones) to know out secret. Only my friends know.

 

The problem is the feelings that I've had for the last month. At the beginning I was very happy and excited about us two, going out, and finally receiving the love of the girl I had been crushing on for a couple of years. However, after a while, I started getting slightly sad, as if something important was missing. We weren't in a relationship then (Although there was pretty much every aspect, such as texting, meeting eachother, etc.) and so I thought being in one would fix things. But not a single bit. In fact, I feel worse now because I have no idea what the hell is wrong with our relationship. I searched it up, and came across a blog explaining the differences of an obsession and real love. I thought, maybe I am obsessed. I realized that I thought about her every night, way too often, and made big deals (Didn't talk about it to her, just thought about it a lot and got scared) when she talked to other guys. I always feel like I should plan out my moves in front of her to not disappoint/offend her. I constantly doubt about her love because it seemed so unlikely. When I cut down on the thoughts about her, or thought more positively, I immediately felt better. Nevertheless, I still feel like I am missing a huge peice in my relationship.

 

This led me to feeling the need to break up. To entirely forget about her, because it's causing quite a lot of stress. Although it seems easy, I'm trying not to do this, because someone once told me "Fear can lead you to destroy what you're afraid of losing". Could it be that I'm scared of losing her? Maybe because I've been wanting this for so long? It's true that I do tend to think about it often enough, but I don't feel a consistent "fear", just the feeling of missing a big peice.

 

We haven't been on too many dates, only about 4 or 5, because most of the times she is too busy. When she isn't, she has to get out with the excuse of going to "run in the woods" (There are multiple reasons why she can't go out otherwise, mainly the fact that her only two friends live far and her parents know that she doesn't hang out with anyone else). This only gives us 1 hour per date, which is annoying and puts a big limit in our relationship. Furthurmore, I recently talked to her about kissing (we ran into that subject from another conversation). She apologized for the fact that nothing happens during our dates, and said she is really scared of having her first kiss and doing other things (Something that bothers me, but I respect her boundries.) Since noone knows, we can't talk much at school either, another huge limiting factor.

 

So I'm considering a few things. I could wait and see what happens. I could talk to her about all this, my obsession, so on, tell her why things aren't going so well (I feel like I shouldn't though, because she will think it's weird and not understand). I could break up with her and let go. The thing is, the feelings seem to be fluctuating all the time. One day I feel really good about having her, and sometimes I feel like it's going massively downhill. I don't know if it's because of her, or it's just me. I am so lost that I'm not even sure I love her, or if she loves me... But I still don't feel like I should let go. I think it will hurt us both a lot, and that I will regret it.

 

So what the heck should I do? How can I know how I truly feel about her?

[californiablonde]

You are young and so is she. This will be the first of many relationships. No one can make the decision for you but right now the negatives seem to outweigh the positives, especially given the fact your feelings for her are lukewarm at best for the moment. Love takes time to develop so it doesn't necessarily happen quickly. At this point in the relationship-you said she is your gf- so you should if nothing else have a solid and secure feeling that you like her. If you can't maintain that on a day to day basis I think you don't really have any business being with her.

 

I think this is a classic case of wanting something so badly and then obtaining it and then no longer wanting it. All of a sudden the reality of what you dreamed/fantasized about is not living up to the expectation. So now you feel overwhelmed and unsure. You say you had a crush on her for two years. That is a long time for you to develop all these wonderful ideas about her in your head. How well did you actually know her? If it was only in passing then it gave you more room to shape her into the person you wanted her to be in your imagination. I also believe at this point there should be some mild physical interaction which probably only adds to the confusion/frustration. When you can not see her or spend a lot of quality time with her it makes it difficult for a fair assessment of your feelings. Not to mention that you say no one knows about your relationship as well as the fact that she "wouldn't mind" being your gf. Unless, her parents don't want her to date there should be no reason to do it secretly. Personally all these factors make it very odd.

 

It is normal to have doubts, fear, or anxiety but it should not be something that is going on all the time. I think that you probably should break up with her and get yourself sorted out before you do anything else. If this is something you have created for yourself it will show up in other relationships and lead to the same results. Either that or sit down and have a conversation about how invested she is in the relationship to see if it helps quell your fears. If it does it should allow you to tap in how you really feel about her and make a decision that is no longer based off of anxiety.

[smackie9]

Gosh Being obsessed with someone is so painful. The truth is you have conjured up this image of her over the last two years, she is now not what you have imagined. Dude I hate to bring the news to ya, you need to back of and let her catch up to where your feelings are at. At this time she isn't that into you. Maybe in time she might like you more, but for now you will have to wait. If you push her, she's going to be more busy, and make more excuses as to why she doesn't want a relationship or even not see you etc. You can't force someone to be all crazy about you.....

[Roflcopter]

First of all, thank you for your reply. It really means a lot that you took the time to read the massive text!

I finally get what the heck was missing: The girl I thought she was... When I first fell "in love" with her, it wasn't a huge thing, just a small crush on a girl whom I was sitting beside of. The feeling seemed to develop as she became my friend, but I still didn't know her anywhere near how much I know her now. And you're right, I was imagining a lot of things that aren't happening right now, and I felt really confused. The fear she didn't like me probably came from the fact that real life is different from what was going on in my mind.

 

As for the parents thing, she has never dated and I think she's scared of their reaction. I talked to her about it a while ago and she says that they're really annoying about relationships and she doesn't want to be made fun of. She doesn't want to tell her friends either because she doesn't trust them, and she doesn't want anyone to know to avoid attention and annoyance.

Also, she said she had a new excuse to tell her parents and go on longer dates more often. I'm hoping it'll work out, so that as you said, I will be able to reevaluate my feelings towards her and see if I really want to keep going. Since we basically only text most of the time I have a hard time to do just this, and it's generally confusing.

 

If it doesn't work out, I will seriously consider breaking up and focusing on studying for a while before re attempting a relationship. I think though that the particular problem with this one is that I fell in love with a girl I didn't know.

 

Thanks for the replies!

[Bee4Shine]

Sometimes we jump from acquaintance to relationship without a foundation of a friendship. That puts a lot of stress on the relationship and expectations. Can you slow down? Can you get to know this girl, for who she is? Find something in common, a hobby, running - anything. Let your relationship develop naturally based on a friendship, trust and mutual respect. Stop overthinking it and give her the space and respect of a friend.

[DaToscana]

Hey buddy, so i honestly think you should talk to her about all of this.

I understand you're both very young and that she might be afraid of saying or doing things. But if you truly care about this girl, and she cares about you. Then you should open up and tell her how you feel. Remember that the base of any relationship is honesty.

 

The way you talk about her and how much you think of her, just shows you that you have feelings for this girl.

 

As i said, you should give this relationship another opportunity, but the only way is if both are willing to.

 

Hope everything goes well.

[mikeylo]

You are very young ! Anyway, the problem here seems to be that you have probably not verbalised anything about your feelings to her.Am I right ? Tell her and hear her side. You might be surprised that she feels the same.

 

You may want to learn early on that letting your feelings known is the best way.It builds trust and foundation for a healthy relationship.

 

She is not the girl you thought she was, better or worse ?

[Roflcopter]

Thanks again for your replies.

 

She was a bit of a friend before the relationship, but I admit we didn't know much about eachother. It's kinda annoying because we don't seem to share much in common.. She's a pretty sporty girl, I don't like sports that much except tennis.. She likes theatre but I don't, etc. But we do find things to talk about, so that isn't a huge problem.

 

She isn't quite the girl I imagined she would be, but she isn't that different after all. I can't really say if she's better or worse, as I haven't had the chance to know her that well (as I said before), but what I can say is that she doesn't seem as motivated as I would've liked. I don't think though that it necessarily means she doesn't like me that way, because we soon have big exams and a lot of schoolwork.

 

Although I will confess to the fact that it isn't easy at all for me to tell her all this, probably because I feel a bit ashamed for being so obsessed, but I guess I have no choice (The point mikeylo brought up will probably help me not only now, but in future relationships).

 

Thanks again for replying to my teenage relationship problems

 

P.S. After talking about this and finding out why I felt so bad, I actually feel a lot better, so I think I will pursue this at least until after the exams, when we will be less stressed out and hopefully things will get better.

[Roflcopter]

Dear fellow posters,

 

It's been about 2 months that I'm officially together with this cute, funny and smart girl, although we were dating a month or two before that. If you read the other thread I made, you will notice that I went through a bit of a tough situation, but I feel better now.

 

I'm creating this thread though because I still realize that something important is missing in our relationship, and her behavior isn't making complete sense. Let me explain:

 

Things have been getting better and better every time I see her, we feel a whole lot more comfortable and closer (physically and emotionally) to eachother than before. In fact, a week ago, we even slept together in a tent (it was an organized event to celebrate the end of this year). We didn't do anything sexual (I'm only 15 and it's only been 2 months!), but I can say that I haven't ever experienced such a good time in my life, and it was truly amazing to cuddle and drift off to sleep!

 

However, when we aren't in eachother's company, I admit that I don't even feel in a relationship. A part the couple of hearts and "ILU"s when we text good night, our conversations seem to remain cold and boring. I feel like texting an ex is even better. She takes ages to respond to each message (As she multitasks all the time when texting), and sometimes after waiting 5 minutes all I get is "ok".

 

Another thing I would like to point out is the fact that she is quite busy all the time. Either she's seeing some friends or going shopping, I feel quite low on her priority list, while I would refuse almost anything (going to the movies with my group of friends for example) to hang out with her.

 

Finally, she said she is leaving for 2 months during the summer vacations, which made me extremely sad. She said that she would go camping and wouldn't text me at all or very rarely, but I can slightly understand that she wants to spend time with her family. I would like to know, though, what I could do to cope with the loneliness of not having her on my side?

 

Is it normal that she's so uninterested by text? Ok, she isn't the texty type of person, but I expect her to at least give into the conversation and not do other things at the same time. Also, what can I do to increase my priority? (Or is this how it's supposed to be?) Thanks for your help.

 

P.S. I haven't really addressed this problem with her yet, I will tonight though. I feel like I shouldn't be too needy but it's starting to bother me quite a lot, especially since she said the last time we would see eachother was yesterday, even though she's not leaving for another 3 days.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Roflcopter

[Roflcopter]

Quick update : I talked to her (Well it kinda got into an argument, although in the end we both apologized and she said she understood where I was coming from) about her unresponsiveness over text, I have seen a very slight improvement but we only texted a bit after that so I don't know yet for sure if she got my point or not.

 

I'm not sure as wether to tell her about the other problems yet, because I feel like I shouldn't blame her for too many things at once... Still, it bothers me that she's so "busy packing" and stuff and doesn't have time to meet me even for an hour or so even though she has time to text me. I mean, she's leaving in a couple of days and doesn't even have time to hang out?