You don't want kids, but would you have a baby not to lose the love of your life?

July 6, 2016

I was talking to one of my closest buddies the other day. He has been with his girlfriend for about 3 years. They are both nearing their mid 30s and are living together.

He wants to have a baby but she doesn't. He expressed how hurt he was when she said she doesn't want children and never did. He wants to take this next step and start a family.

This scared me a bit because I don't want kids, and every single man I've ever dated did. What if you meet the person of your dreams? You want to spend the rest of your life with them, and losing them would basically shatter all of your future plans to be together and have a life together.

Would you just have a child?

I know myself. If I have a child I will love it more than anything in this entire world, and I will do everything in my power to give this child the best possible life. I would be a good mother, I know this. But I just DONT want kids and never did. But at the same time, if I've found the man for me. THE man. MY person. SOULMATE. Whatever you want to call this feeling that you've found truth and love in another person...would you just do it and have the child? Or would you sacrifice everything that makes your life whole because you don't want to compromise on something so huge?

July 6, 2016

Never.

That is not the reason to bring children into existence. It's unfair to them to be used as a manipulative prop.

If it's someone's dream to have children, then obviously they aren't ultimately suited for a person who doesn't want them and feels either pressure or obligation to produce a child just to make someone else happy. Jeez--I feel so badly for that child to have a parent that really never wanted them in the first place.

Edited July 6, 2016 by kendahke

July 6, 2016

I was talking to one of my closest buddies the other day. He has been with his girlfriend for about 3 years. They are both nearing their mid 30s and are living together.

He wants to have a baby but she doesn't. He expressed how hurt he was when she said she doesn't want children and never did. He wants to take this next step and start a family.

This scared me a bit because I don't want kids, and every single man I've ever dated did. What if you meet the person of your dreams? You want to spend the rest of your life with them, and losing them would basically shatter all of your future plans to be together and have a life together.

Would you just have a child?

I know myself. If I have a child I will love it more than anything in this entire world, and I will do everything in my power to give this child the best possible life. I would be a good mother, I know this. But I just DONT want kids and never did. But at the same time, if I've found the man for me. THE man. MY person. SOULMATE. Whatever you want to call this feeling that you've found truth and love in another person...would you just do it and have the child? Or would you sacrifice everything that makes your life whole because you don't want to compromise on something so huge?

(I'm using the word YOU in this post, figuratively. I don't mean the poster specifically).

That is a fundamental lifestyle/relationship choice. Having a baby when you don't want one will put a wedge between you even if on an unconscious level.

How can you be a "good mother" if you don't want them. Sure, you can tend to their needs, you can feed them, get them to school, etc. but your emotional investment could be lacking and they would feel that. Children have an uncanny ability to read people.

I'd think about the reasons that you don't want them. Write them all down and mentally put yourself in the position of having children and think about how it would affect those reasons/you. This is about long-term forethought/foresight. You'd be being a little short-sighted and focusing only on the immediate goal of having that man in your life. This is about 3, possibly more, people -- you, your significant other and the product(s) of that union.

July 6, 2016

(I'm using the word YOU in this post, figuratively. I don't mean the poster specifically).

That is a fundamental lifestyle/relationship choice. Having a baby when you don't want one will put a wedge between you even if on an unconscious level.

How can you be a "good mother" if you don't want them. Sure, you can tend to their needs, you can feed them, get them to school, etc. but your emotional investment could be lacking and they would feel that. Children have an uncanny ability to read people.

I'd think about the reasons that you don't want them. Write them all down and mentally put yourself in the position of having children and think about how it would affect those reasons/you. This is about long-term forethought/foresight. You'd be being a little short-sighted and focusing only on the immediate goal of having that man in your life. This is about 3, possibly more, people -- you, your significant other and the product(s) of that union.

There aren't many reasons. Simply I want to live my life for myself and not always have to put a child before all of my decisions and choices. I don't want the responsibility and would rather dedicate all of my time, money and energy to building a life I want.

But the life I want includes having a man that I love and can spend the rest of my life with. If I find this person, I would never want to lose him. Otherwise the reasons for my not wanting children would lose all significance because I wouldn't be able to spend my life with the person I love.

July 6, 2016

Absolutely not. I would not have kids to keep a certain man around. I have faced this,

I have always known (since I was very young!) that I did not want children. Like you, I think I would be capable of raising a child well (I constantly get told, "but you are so good with kids!!"), I am quite responsible etc.

But I do not WANT kids.

But I just DONT want kids and never did. But at the same time, if I've found the man for me. THE man. MY person. SOULMATE. Whatever you want to call this feeling that you've found truth and love in another person...would you just do it and have the child? Or would you sacrifice everything that makes your life whole because you don't want to compromise on something so huge?

Do you know how you can avoid this scenario? Be up front. Tell them RIGHT AWAY that you do not want kids ever. Before you fall in love, before you decide he is your soul mate.

I have the "I don't want kids" talk with anyone before I sleep with them. Its 1. safe sex, 2. I am not having kids, ever. I tell them this so its clear that if god forbid an ""opps" were to happen - that I am not carrying a pregnancy. I think that its important that both are on the same page with that. So, the "talk" happens very early.

Now, once you get to know someone more, and start "future" talk, its again, vitally important that they know I wasn't kidding about that. No kids.

"No kids" is a significant part of who I am, how I live my life, and how I envision my future. So its easy for me to talk about, because its important to me.

My husband and I had the "no kids" talk during our first month of dating. He knew were I stood, and agreed. Our similar visions for the future are one of the things that brought us together.

Now, about 9 years in, his father died, and he went through a real crisis. Part of that was questioning if he wanted kids or not. I knew standing my ground was putting me at risk of losing him - but I just couldn't do what I knew was not right for me. I am open to fostering - but "I aint birthin no babies".

Eventually the dust settled, and today (6 years later) I would say he is even more steadfast in the "no kids" camp than I am.

July 6, 2016

But I just DONT want kids and never did. But at the same time, if I've found the man for me. THE man. MY person. SOULMATE. Whatever you want to call this feeling that you've found truth and love in another person...would you just do it and have the child? Or would you sacrifice everything that makes your life whole because you don't want to compromise on something so huge?

My mom did... six of them (including me). She told me while growing up the only reason she had kids was cuz my dad wanted kids, a large family.

Given how she was never really a mom to any of us, I wasn't surprised.

But my dad was happy.... he was an awesome dad too by the way.

Anyway, if you do decide to have kids (even one), do NOT neglect. They didn't ask to be born.

Edited July 6, 2016 by katiegrl

July 6, 2016

Whether or not you want children is usually a discussion that happens early in a relationship. If not, then you set yourself up for future disagreements and difficult decisions.

However, if you discussed it and agreed, then it is very clear what to expect later. Yes, someone can change their mind, but they can only ASK that their partner consider the request. They can leave if they don't like the answer, or the other can leave if necessary. It often IS a deal-breaker issue for people, on either side of the decision.

However, there will always be a good chance at finding another great partner who shares your views. Children - unlike marriage - really are a lifetime commitment (or can be through college, at least!).

July 6, 2016

Nope.

In fact, I ended several relationships because the men wanted babies and I adamantly did not.

It took me until my late 40s to meet someone who already had pre-teen children to marry. He often lamented that he didn't meet me earlier in our lives so that I could have been the mother to his children.

I have told him over and over that it never would have happened. He seems to think he could have changed my mind.

I'll let him continue his delusion...

July 6, 2016

I think that the flaw in the thinking here isn't a self vs. kids internal dilemma. It's relying on another person to make your life whole. You're life should be whole with or without a significant other or kids. That way you never feel like your future life/love is held hostage in order to have children.

But who am I? Just some stranger on the internet.

July 6, 2016

I think for most people who feel strongy about not wanting kids, having them as a compromise is not an option. It sounds like your stance on the issue is more of a preference, than deal-breaker. I dont see anything wrong with that, or anything wrong with coming to a decision to have them despite the lifestyle not initally being your first choice, if u can commit to being a good mom. I think plenty of people fall on the fence on the issue and are eventually forced to decide one way or another- or allow time to make the decide for them. There are a lot of factors to consider and its not a black and white issue for everyone.

July 6, 2016

I've always known I in not want kids. Told every man I ever got involved with on day one. Take it or leave it, it's not negotiable.

To have a child just to keep hold of your partner seems like game-play to me. With the poor kid as a pawn, a bargaining chip, a physical compromise.

As far as I'm concerned, if someone's feelings about having children were so opposite to my own, they could never be my 'soulmate' anyway.

July 6, 2016

I believe that plenty of parents only have children because that is what is expected of them or they want to keep a partner.

If you don't want children and a man you're with wants to be a father, then he is not your soulmate since you feel so differently about an important issue. The basis of a successful marriage is agreeing on pertinent decisions.

July 6, 2016

But at the same time, if I've found the man for me. THE man. MY person. SOULMATE. Whatever you want to call this feeling that you've found truth and love in another person...

How can this person be your soulmate if you can't agree on something as basic as having kids together? And what would you then call the next person you're attracted to that shares your desire to be childless?

An anchor baby is a bad idea all around...

Mr. Lucky

July 6, 2016

NO NO NO NEVER NO HOW!!!

If I could change one thing about the world it would be that only people who sincerely want children and were stable, secure and mature enough to take care of them would be allowed to breed.

Additionally I would make it acceptable and honorable for people to admit they don't want them and that no one would ever pressure them or make feel like a second class citizen.

Capitulating on reproductive choices is a terrible idea and will come back to haunt both parties and especially the child.

Having children that you don't have an innate desire for is a miserable experience. The loss of freedom and self determination and the cleaning up of puke and poop and the loss of sleep and tantrums and colic etc is an indescribable hell for those who do not have that innate desire to bear and raise children.

Resentment and bitterness builds by the day and can boil over into abuse, abandonment, neglect, alcoholism etc etc.

Capitulating on reproduction also does NO favors for the one that wants kids either. When one partner cringes and recoils at the sound of screaming or a soiled diaper or a spit up on the floor, the resentment and loss of respect and affection grows daily in the person who's dreams of a family are dashed and broken day by day.

In the end, the relationship is not preserved anyway. With the building mutual resentments and bitterness and disillusionment, the bond and connection dissolve anyway. The relationship/marriage fail anyway, only instead of failing with only two adults able to walk away, now there is a minor child(s) in the mix to further complicate and aggravate the situation a thousand-fold.

Don't do it. Children break up more couples and marriages than they ever keep together. Your grandmother doesn't want you to know that inconvenient fact but it is true.

July 6, 2016

NOPE...kids don't help a marriage

July 6, 2016

And there is an even darker side to this - abuse and even murder.

Pick up a national newspaper on any given day and there will be a story about a man killing his pregnant wife/girlfriend or his girlfriends child from a different father.

And in any given week or two there will be a story of a mother killing her own child/children.

Some stories make headlines but many do not. Whether it is a headline story or a single paragraph on page #4, it is a reality.

Statisticly, homicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in pregnant women, lead only by car accidents.

Headline case like Scott Peterson who plotted and schemed his wife's murder so he could bang his OW are somewhat rare but are a part of the landscape and do occur.

Much more common though is the tension and frustration and anger boiling over goes too far and a pregnant woman is beaten to death in a domestic assault or the fetus is killed do to the injuries of the mother.

Less common is the mother to be inflicts her own abortion or kills the young child after it's born. It is somewhat less common but it does occur somewhere in the country almost weekly.

This is real. This is how serious it actually is.

Now I'm not saying that any college kid who boasts to his buddies he doesn't want kids is going to turn into a child or pregnant woman killer.

But I am saying that this is a very real thing and that adults who say they do not want kids should be taken seriously and their choices respected.

July 6, 2016

Thank you Old shirt for saying what needs to be said.

There are enough damn people on this planet. Only those who sincerely desire, and are capable for proving for them should be breeding. But sadly this is not the case.

And pressuring people who do not want kids to have them - is wreckless and happens all too often.

July 6, 2016

I was talking to one of my closest buddies the other day. He has been with his girlfriend for about 3 years. They are both nearing their mid 30s and are living together.

He wants to have a baby but she doesn't. He expressed how hurt he was when she said she doesn't want children and never did. He wants to take this next step and start a family.

?

To put it quite bluntly, your friend is a nitwit.

If they are in their 30s they should be mature and self aware enough to discuss this very basic fundamental of human relationships.

Whether each person wants children or not should have came out in the first handfuls of dates and once this basic incompatibility was noted, the relationship should have stopped moving forward right there.

The whole point of dating is to get to know someone to see if they have similar life goals, interests and temperaments. This relationship shouldn't have progressed past a couple weeks.

I'm not saying they couldn't have enjoyed some sat night movie dates and some booty calls. But neither should have taken themselves off the market and should've continued looking for someone with the same basic life goals.

July 6, 2016

To put it quite bluntly, your friend is a nitwit.

If they are in their 30s they should be mature and self aware enough to discuss this very basic fundamental of human relationships.

Whether each person wants children or not should have came out in the first handfuls of dates and once this basic incompatibility was noted, the relationship should have stopped moving forward right there.

The whole point of dating is to get to know someone to see if they have similar life goals, interests and temperaments. This relationship shouldn't have progressed past a couple weeks.

I'm not saying they couldn't have enjoyed some sat night movie dates and some booty calls. But neither should have taken themselves off the market and should've continued looking for someone with the same basic life goals.

Agreed. I feel like you're friend was probably thinking ''Oh, she'll change her mind, women always do when they find the right person.'' Very WRONG. He was disregarding her feelings and opinion and basically invalidating them and now he is panicking because they're running out of time.

I don't think you should be focusing on this term ''soulmate''. I don't believe that there is a one true love for everybody. There could be someone who you have a strong connection to, but if the life you would have with him is not the kind of life you want to lead (babies and family) then it will never grow into the long-term, lasting love that you're talking about.

And hopefully, children are discussed early enough in a relationship that both parties know not to get to serious and attached if they don't have the same goals and priorities.

Personally, although I already have one child, I don't plan on any more kids. The man I am seeing knows that I am not having more children and agrees with this stance. Had he expressed a different view on this, I probably wouldn't even allowed myself to get closer to him and develop stronger feelings.

July 6, 2016

Hi all,

I am in a somewhat similar situation, and any thoughts are appreciated.

When we decided to get married I said I was fairly sure I did not want kids, but was not 100% (I guess I was actually, thinking back)....

She said she did not want at the moment, but that could change...

Back then we decided that we could start our life together, and if any of us decided definitely either way, we could reassess and see if we continued together or not....

Well, the time has come, and she wants to have a kid, and I am certain I do not want to have any.

She quit her job and is now looking, so I am the financial support of the family...

About six months ago, we had the conversation about having the kid.... and I said I was certain I did not want any.... so we would have to separate....

She got very sad and angry, saying how she had wasted her time, etc....it broke my heart seeing her with such sadness, so I said "ok, if we end up having a child, you will have to take care of it on your own, never expect me to do absolutely anything for him, and if I get tired of living like that, we will just separate, and end of story"..... she was very happy and agreed to everything....

As the days passed on, I started thinking and realized that it was not possible that the "hands free" fathering would work.... even if she said yes to everything, I believe she would end up getting mad at me for not changing diapers, going with her to the doctor, etc, etc....

In addition, I don't think I would be able to just have a child and not be concerned about his well being, etc.... and considering I do not want to have kids, it would be something I would regret doing, I am sure....

so, six months later (i.e., now), I told her that I don't believe it would work.... she hasn't gotten a job again, and she feels financial pressure.... and is extremely sad, and it breaks my heart to see her like that...

I wish there was something I could do, but the only thing that I believe would cheer her up is to agree to have a child.... even with all the conditions I mentioned above....

At the same time I know (or at least I feel) that the remedy would be worst, because it would just calm the waters now.... but when she gets pregnant, and delivers the child, I will have to walk away, but I would know I have a child that I have to be responsible for....

Anyhow.... just venting, I guess.... I believe the best would be just to separate, but she has no job or money, and even if I offer to support her, she will not want to be dependent on me....

Thanks for listening....

NHP

July 7, 2016

When we decided to get married I said I was fairly sure I did not want kids, but was not 100% (I guess I was actually, thinking back)....
She said she did not want at the moment, but that could change...
Back then we decided that we could start our life together, and if any of us decided definitely either way, we could reassess and see if we continued together or not....

Well, the time has come, and she wants to have a kid, and I am certain I do not want to have any.

She quit her job and is now looking, so I am the financial support of the family...

About six months ago, we had the conversation about having the kid.... and I said I was certain I did not want any.... so we would have to separate....

She got very sad and angry, saying how she had wasted her time, etc....it broke my heart seeing her with such sadness, so I said

so I said "ok, if we end up having a child, you will have to take care of it on your own, never expect me to do absolutely anything for him, and if I get tired of living like that, we will just separate, and end of story"..... she was very happy and agreed to everything....

You needed to follow your first mind and divorce her. Seriously.

Neither of you are being fair to the child that will be created. This is too much to put on their shoulders.

July 7, 2016

Hi all,
I am in a somewhat similar situation, and any thoughts are appreciated.
When we decided to get married I said I was fairly sure I did not want kids, but was not 100% (I guess I was actually, thinking back)....
She said she did not want at the moment, but that could change...
Back then we decided that we could start our life together, and if any of us decided definitely either way, we could reassess and see if we continued together or not....

Well, the time has come, and she wants to have a kid, and I am certain I do not want to have any.

She quit her job and is now looking, so I am the financial support of the family...

About six months ago, we had the conversation about having the kid.... and I said I was certain I did not want any.... so we would have to separate....

She got very sad and angry, saying how she had wasted her time, etc....it broke my heart seeing her with such sadness, so I said "ok, if we end up having a child, you will have to take care of it on your own, never expect me to do absolutely anything for him, and if I get tired of living like that, we will just separate, and end of story"..... she was very happy and agreed to everything....

As the days passed on, I started thinking and realized that it was not possible that the "hands free" fathering would work.... even if she said yes to everything, I believe she would end up getting mad at me for not changing diapers, going with her to the doctor, etc, etc....

In addition, I don't think I would be able to just have a child and not be concerned about his well being, etc.... and considering I do not want to have kids, it would be something I would regret doing, I am sure....

so, six months later (i.e., now), I told her that I don't believe it would work.... she hasn't gotten a job again, and she feels financial pressure.... and is extremely sad, and it breaks my heart to see her like that...

I wish there was something I could do, but the only thing that I believe would cheer her up is to agree to have a child.... even with all the conditions I mentioned above....

At the same time I know (or at least I feel) that the remedy would be worst, because it would just calm the waters now.... but when she gets pregnant, and delivers the child, I will have to walk away, but I would know I have a child that I have to be responsible for....

Anyhow.... just venting, I guess.... I believe the best would be just to separate, but she has no job or money, and even if I offer to support her, she will not want to be dependent on me....

Thanks for listening....

NHP

You don't want her dependent upon you anyways. You're in a bad situation here. My recommendation is to get a vasectomy. And probably a divorce too.

She wasted her time with you? You wasted your time with her! She knew your stance on kids from the get go. There was no wool pulled over her head. I think she's gearing up in prep of a divorce now.... quiting work could help with spousal support, right? A child with child support, right?

You're in bigger trouble than you realize... don't be surprised when she has an 'accident' and end up getting pregnant....

July 8, 2016

If that's not something you want then you two aren't compatible for a relationship IMO.

FWIW I had one while married and I am done. But I am still young enough I run into a lot of men still looking for kids post divorce. There are men out there who know they don't want kids. You just have you limit yourself to them (and they are more common than you might think).

July 8, 2016

Anyhow.... just venting, I guess.... I believe the best would be just to separate, but she has no job or money, and even if I offer to support her, she will not want to be dependent on me....

Thanks for listening....

NHP

First off, welcome to Loveshack! You'd get better feedback (and it's considered better form ) if you start your own thread.

Were your wife a SAHM, she'd be fully dependent on you then. If the trust and commitment aren't there, not an environment to raise a child in...

Mr. Lucky

July 8, 2016

Aye Aye - You have one choice - to divorce. Having a child, and then not caring for it, or loving it is NOT AN OPTION.

She agreed out of desperation, but it is a very very very bad plan. Terrible.

Back then we decided that we could start our life together, and if any of us decided definitely either way, we could reassess and see if we continued together or not....

Well, you went into this marriage - with a pre-plan of a possible divorce - so here you are. Divorce time.

I wish there was something I could do, but the only thing that I believe would cheer her up is to agree to have a child.... even with all the conditions I mentioned above....

Emotional maniplation, and not wanting to deal with hard choices is NOT a reason to bring a new human into this world.

Could you imagine knowing that your father didn't want you, wanted nothing to do with you, and only agreed to have you so that his mother wouldn't nag him about it? How about the emotional damage growing up living in that situation?

Having a kid in this scenario is SELFISH. You are being selfish by thinking that having one will make things easier on you "calm waters", she is being selfish by wanting to bring a child into this world with a man who doesn't want one - just become its something she WANTS.

Very bad reasons to create a new human.

And yes, you are at HIGH RISK! What are you using for birth control?!? Trusting her to take a pill everyday when she desperately wants to get pregnant? I agree with others - being as you do not want children, get a vasectomy ASAP - its a relatively simple procedure and can protect your future!

Edited July 8, 2016 by RecentChange

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