gkly Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 (edited) Getting to the point first, my questions are: Is it better to bring out the sex talk so he knows that I like him, sex will happen (just not now), and don't feel it's a good idea yet? Should we discuss about cultural difference, so he understands me more and he won't feel I'm not attracted to him? Is 6wks-in too early to discuss this that he will feel forced to do monogamy talk? I really like seeing him but at the same time afraid of losing him too. But I do not want to use sex to keep him, especially when I'm not sure if I can feel secure after having sex in a relationship where monogamy talk did not take place. At the same time, I do not want to force monogamy talk out of him. I've been seeing this guy for the past 6 weeks, once per week. He's in the late 20s and I'm in the early 20s. We will be having 6th date this weekend. He texts everyday (no phone calls, which I think it's digital age thing), sends pictures what he's up to, calls me cute/adorable/sweetie, etc. He always initiated dates too and asked me out 3,4 days prior. On 5th date after dinner he suggested going to a bar, and then added "or we could go home, or different bar..." I knew what going to his house meant, so I said, "no, we can just go to that bar." So far, he's been very patient and respectful about me taking sex slow. He knows I'm not experienced. We kiss during dates, hold hands and have made out in the past dates. He's open about talking about his family, but we did not have a talk about exes yet. (Is ex talk always necessary?) I'm not ready to sleep with him yet, because we both have online dating profiles up (although I rarely use it), he recently broke up with his ex (I know I'm not a rebound because he's showing affections), and most importantly, we haven't had monogamy talk. But I'm not looking for a commitment. I also know it's perfectly up to his decision whether to take the profile down or not. Also, there is a cultural difference between us. In my country, traditionally, men and women do not sleep together unless you are a couple. So it goes like this: 1. two people meet through friends, blind dates, work place, or start from friendship (sometimes if they see someone who has ideal looks/aura, they go and ask their number) 2. they go on regular dates and usually date one person at a time 3. he likes you and you like him too 4. he asks you to be his girlfriend in 3-5 weeks of time 5. go on date as bf/gf then they start holding hands, hugging and kissing 6. sex comes about 1-4 months of dating as a couple (speed depends on age) 7. "I love you" is common thing to say to each other Also, there's no texting rule, 3-5 dates rule, or "let guys initiate" rule. Girls can pursue guys because generally, if he's attractive, other girls would also find him attractive, and they don't want to lose him. Basically, it's "better to regret after making an action than regretting for not making any action." I know it takes long time in Western culture to call each other bf/gf, and it is acceptable to have sex before exclusivity/monogamy. For this weekend's date, he asked when I'm free, so I answered "I'm free on Saturday late afternoon or Sunday." Usually he always asked for Saturday but this time he suggested Sunday... (probably over-thinking after feeling a bit of panic after turning down his subtle hinting on sex last time...) As I said, I'm not looking for a serious commitment. I just want to know he won't be sleeping with other people. I usually go with the flow and don't think about future (commitment, engagement, wedding, etc.). Edited July 6, 2016 by gkly
TXGuy Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Do you want to know that he is not sleeping with other women once you two start having sex? Or do you want to know he is not sleeping with other women for the 1 to 4 months of you dating exclusively while you decide when/if you will have sex with him? The former is perfectly reasonable. If it's the latter, you will have a harder time finding men who consider that reasonable.
BrownEyedGurl1 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 (edited) Do you want to know that he is not sleeping with other women once you two start having sex? Or do you want to know he is not sleeping with other women for the 1 to 4 months of you dating exclusively while you decide when/if you will have sex with him? The former is perfectly reasonable. If it's the latter, you will have a harder time finding men who consider that reasonable. My last 5 dating partners have done that. Its not unreasonable at all it depends on your social circle and who YOU choose to spend time with. OP, I don't know if he is actually pressuring you for sex. Some guys let it happen naturally and dont assume you going back to his house means sex. The guy I'm seeing, we have been dating, involving hanging out at his house, for a month and we've fooled around but he doesn't pressure me for sex plus Ive hung out with guys before who said that and it didn't lead to sex. You set the pace and if he brings it up tell him your thoughts. If a guy likes you, he will wait a few months its really not that hard to find. Oh, and all of these guys weren't dating other women too...my current guy just took down his dating profile...I'd say its more of a bad sign he hasn't done that. Edited July 6, 2016 by BrownEyedGurl1 1
Gaeta Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Why do you only have 1 date per week? This would not be enough for me to build a connection with someone enough to get to bed. 1
Author gkly Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 My last 5 dating partners have done that. Its not unreasonable at all it depends on your social circle and who YOU choose to spend time with. OP, I don't know if he is actually pressuring you for sex. Some guys let it happen naturally and dont assume you going back to his house means sex. The guy I'm seeing, we have been dating, involving hanging out at his house, for a month and we've fooled around but he doesn't pressure me for sex plus Ive hung out with guys before who said that and it didn't lead to sex. You set the pace and if he brings it up tell him your thoughts. If a guy likes you, he will wait a few months its really not that hard to find. Oh, and all of these guys weren't dating other women too...my current guy just took down his dating profile...I'd say its more of a bad sign he hasn't done that. He's not pressuring me at all. We went to his house, ordered dinner, watched movie, lied down on couch (cuddling + kissing), etc. We never went near the bed and he did not try to push beyond the boundary. Once we were kissing and cuddling on the couch, then he suddenly said "ah we need to stop...too sexy" and we went out to continue our date outside. He said he feels comfortable with me. And the fact that he has not taken down the profile yet bothers me too. I haven't taken mine down yet but I don't use it (he's my first guy to meet using online dating site - not tinder - and he knows that too). I do occasionally see other guys but don't go beyond dinner + drinks (nothing physical, even kiss). But as I said, it has been only 6 weeks. I feel very stable, safe and comfortable with him, unlike with other guys. I don't feel passion like I did with my ex, which is fine with me because I can be myself. I like him, I like myself when I'm with him, and I like feeling stable.
Author gkly Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Why do you only have 1 date per week? This would not be enough for me to build a connection with someone enough to get to bed. How often are people supposed to see each other? (Once he asked me why he's the one always asking out. ) Wouldn't asking him "I want to see you more than once a week" sound needy? I know he has busy schedule as a VP and he works 11 hours a day 7:30-18:00/19:00. I have my schedule throughout the day too. And I'm happy seeing once/twice a week... My ex ex, although he gave me space when I told him, he wanted to see me almost everyday and he tired me out so much.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I like your detailed analysis... and the only one I question is the part where his "showing affections" is said to be evidence of your not being a "rebound" for him. I have no reason to believe that he sees you AS a rebound, I just don't think that (some smooth-talking guy) couldn't "show affections" to someone who was still a 'rebound'. As to the big picture... I think you should talk yourself into initiating a conversation about where you stand as a couple. Just, for example, think of the difference between 1970 and (even 1990, but especially) 2016 where, to be responsible about potentially deadly STD/STI's... people who in 1970 might have just (let the good times roll), were suddenly well-rehearsed in having protected sex, and being prepared to have protected sex. It's just something you DO, as adults... have those direct (and awkward-seeming) conversations about sex. And y'know, it really IS OK to tell him exactly how you feel, and exactly what you want. EVEN IF he goes home unhappy that he won't be having sex with you next week or next month, he will at least get to *know* of your clear interest, and *intent* with him. Just will yourself to have the conversation. 1
joseb Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I like your detailed analysis... and the only one I question is the part where his "showing affections" is said to be evidence of your not being a "rebound" for him. I have no reason to believe that he sees you AS a rebound, I just don't think that (some smooth-talking guy) couldn't "show affections" to someone who was still a 'rebound'.]. Yeah that really stood out to me too. What kind of date doesn't show affections?! Definitely not any indication. How long ago did he split up?
Gaeta Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 How often are people supposed to see each other? (Once he asked me why he's the one always asking out. ) Wouldn't asking him "I want to see you more than once a week" sound needy? I know he has busy schedule as a VP and he works 11 hours a day 7:30-18:00/19:00. I have my schedule throughout the day too. And I'm happy seeing once/twice a week... My ex ex, although he gave me space when I told him, he wanted to see me almost everyday and he tired me out so much. Too many people misinterpret what 'needy' means. Wanting a relationship to escalate to more dates is not needy, they're normal relationship needs. Wanting to spend quality time with someone you're getting to know, wanting affection, wanting good regular communication is not being needy, it's knowing what type of relationship you are looking for and not settling for less. NO don't tell him you want him to invite you out more. No no no no - YOU make the invitation. If you see each other on Saturday then after the date offer him to do something Wednesday. Make it happen, don't ask for it. After 2 dates it's normal for BOTH parties to plan dates!!! If you never ever ask him to go out he ( and any man) would assume you're not interested in getting to know him. Again it's NORMAL for a woman to offer dates and to PAY for them too. Sure he has a busy schedule but it's not your role to decide if it's too busy to date you, it's his to deal with. Couples build a connection by spending time together, do you want to build a connection with this man? Do you want to get to know him better? If yes then participate in 'getting to know him'. Offer activities and dates 2 times a week instead of 1 time. Once in a while make it 3 times a week. 1
Author gkly Posted July 8, 2016 Author Posted July 8, 2016 Yeah that really stood out to me too. What kind of date doesn't show affections?! Definitely not any indication. How long ago did he split up? In terms of affection, I meant that he shows interest in me. I heard that people going for rebound relationships just want sex, and if the girl does not comply, they disappear. He was in about 3-3.5 months of LTR and broke up about 2-4 months ago approx. He still has photo of him and his ex on social media and on online dating profile (idk why men upload photo of them and the ex). Also, I found a plastic box that contained hair ties, pins, etc.
Els Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Should we discuss about cultural difference, so he understands me more and he won't feel I'm not attracted to him? I think you should. IME there is a huge difference between how Western and Asian? (I'm just guessing you're Asian based on your picture and post, but I could be wrong) cultures treat dating and relationships, especially in the sex/exclusivity aspect. Of course, "Western" and "Asian" are also broad terms and have differences within themselves, but still. Is this your first time dating outside your native culture?
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