Talking to an Ex (Despite her having a Partner)...

[PerryK]

It was the longest relationship either have had. We were loved as a couple by everyone that knew us, "you're so perfect together, i'm so happy you are together" kind of responses.

 

She went to university and moved into halls where all of her new friends were single, going out every night, enjoying life being free and partying and just getting around as is expected for people at that age. She was tied down with me though so felt like she couldnt really have what they had.

 

With me being in my 3rd year of university, exams, stress, travelling between seeing her, working every night all night and classes, plus on top of that she struggled with her course, so I taught myself her syllabus to help with her coursework. Applying for graduate jobs also. I wasn't the cheeriest guy to be around, that I was a few months prior.

 

She was being obsessed over by the guys on her courses, all the young carefree, first year guys who were just loving life going out every night and being away from parents for the first time. They seemed like a much more attractive proposition to her.

She got close to one guy in particular, we went on a break and she got with him, before ending everything and getting with him immediately.

 

I put it all down to grass is greener syndrome, and walked away and moved on. 6 months later I get a phone call, she had broken up with him a while ago and had been collecting the courage to phone me, to try and sort stuff out. I was still bitter over how it ended so hung up. I never spoke to her again for a long time, until she liked one of my photos on Instagram, so I popped up to say hi.

We talked for hours every night, pretty much every day. The only issue being that she had a bf. Through chatting she spelled out how unhappy she was with this boy.

 

- He was boring, he refused to ever go out for a drink etc because "i'll take someones head off, blah blah macho talk blah".

- He wouldnt let her go out.

- He would get ridiculosuly jealous and pissy if she went out with her female married friend.

- If she ever text him to ask how his day was she just gets "its ok" back.

- He was really insecure, demanding her passwords and to go through her phone and computer constantly.

 

She told me that she went through a lost period when we broke up, we weren't good but she didnt know what she wanted and everyone else was doing one thing so she went with it.

She told me that I am the best guy she has ever been with.

She told me that she thinks about me all the time, even a few years after breaking up.

She told me that she often thinks about me during sex or pleasuring herself to keep her going.

She told me that I was the best, and the boy she is with now is just 2nd best but the best she could do with the situation.

She told me that they are going through massive issues at the moment and she doesn't want to be with him any more.

 

 

The only problem, she is about to move out her parents home, she put money on a place but can't sustain it herself. So this guy said he will move in (studio flat - bedroom kitchen lounge in one room), she has said yeah as long as he moves out as soon as he can afford his own place. Because he is just moving into a new job since finishing uni so has no choice but to live with her because he has no money for his own place and he would have to commute 3 hours.

 

She keeps telling me that I should wait for her, she wants me and she wants to wind down this relationship but is only keeping it open at the moment for these living arrangements next year otherwise she is fully broke.

 

Wait, or tell her to do one and do my own thing?

 

I don't necessarily want to be the idiot sitting around waiting patiently like some beta idiot while she does what she wants, but she says she wants me...

[MissBee]

Do your own thing.

 

Read The Other Woman/Other Man board here. You waiting would essentially be you volunteering to be in this position. Many people have relationships and marriages that they complain about all the live long day but continue on with it while complaining to someone else or having an affair on the side, yet in real life, they do NOTHING about changing their situation and instead sometimes even increase their ties to this person they supposedly are unhappy with. I've been there, believe me.

 

You're someone's choice fully or you're not. There is no middle ground. I've been to college, I'm in grad school, people find roommates all the time. People break up with live-in bf/gfs all the time and find a new arrangement. This woman is complaining to you about this guy, and now is moving in with him! Think about that. There are other options, she's just choosing this one. Do you really think when he moves in they will just be roommates? No...he's her bf, they will be sharing a bed, living like a couple.

 

If she wants you so much and if things are meant to work out, they will, when she is free, single and disengaged. She's not some confused victim. She made a choice and you'd be putting yourself in a bad position really sticking around watching her make these choices and hoping she'll eventually choose to be with you.

[bachdude]

Ok, so let me get this straight...

 

she doesn't like the guy she is with right now yet they are moving in together and you are supposed to wait for her????

 

Wow

 

Her reason that she can't afford the place on her own is a lame excuse, bro. Yeah right, she has no choice but to live with him and he has no choice but to live with her, etc etc etc.... What DID people do when landlords refused to rent places to unmarried couples?? Everyone was out on the street I'm sure!!

 

There are many other ways she could handle the situation, like find another roommate for one! People do this all the time.

 

To ask you to wait for her as she prepares to move in with this other guy just leaves me scratching my head.

 

And I apologize if all of this sounds overly blunt, but it is my honest reaction looking at the situation from the outside.

[smackie9]

It's not always the "grass is greener" it's about sewing your wild oats, having new experiences, date other, enjoy your freedom. From there you develop into an adult that knows what they want, their needs and has knowledge to sustain a relationship into marriage. Your relationship ran it's course, and it's time to move on and experience life.

 

This is why I always say stay single when you are going to uni. There are many ripe for the picking and enjoy.....enjoy your youth while it lasts.

[smackie9]

As for your ex, she's going through adjustment. It can be a confusing time, feelings are all over the place, emotions guided by urges. It will not be clear until years down the road when you look back at this experience through older, wiser eyes.

[PerryK]

Ok, so let me get this straight...

 

she doesn't like the guy she is with right now yet they are moving in together and you are supposed to wait for her????

 

Wow

 

Her reason that she can't afford the place on her own is a lame excuse, bro. Yeah right, she has no choice but to live with him and he has no choice but to live with her, etc etc etc.... What DID people do when landlords refused to rent places to unmarried couples?? Everyone was out on the street I'm sure!!

 

There are many other ways she could handle the situation, like find another roommate for one! People do this all the time.

 

To ask you to wait for her as she prepares to move in with this other guy just leaves me scratching my head.

 

And I apologize if all of this sounds overly blunt, but it is my honest reaction looking at the situation from the outside.

 

I don't think you got what I said. She likes the guy, he is just second best to everything i ever was.

 

She tried to come back to me 3 times before but I was bitter from her leaving me to be single at uni all those years ago, and the other 2 times I was in other relationships, albeit unhappily, but mentally I want to fix everything so stayed to make it work until they ended.

 

She even reached out 6 months ago, while she was about 6 months in with this current guy. But I was with another girl.

 

 

I guess things are different in America, regarding room mates and land lords etc. Here we don't do 'room mates'. The university for her final year (4 year course) allocate her a studio apartment.

Her student loan for accommodation and all incurring costs of living away is £7500. Her rent for the year is £7400.

 

She has had to sign for that accommodation, though it means that she has £100 left for food, books, transport etc for the remaining year.

 

Her bf has stepped in and said "i have no money to put a deposit, security fee, agency fees, initial months rent on a new place before i start my new job...i will move in with you and pay you half of the rent each month."

 

I was sent a screenshot of their conversation over text

 

"her: okay, i do need help for at least 2/3 months but when you saved enough money you get your own place

 

him: dont you want to live with me?

 

her: lol, no we need seperate places"

 

What she has asked, is as i work abroad right now and wont be coming home for another 4/5 months is for us to get to know each other and reunite as "friends" over the next few months. Once this guy has saved enough money to move out on his own then she will kick him out.

 

This works for my life, as I am in a new place every few weeks (male only military bases, so no chance for girls). She wants me, but i dont want to be waiting around expecting something, i am going to be waiting anyway but don't want to be disappointed when it comes and she flaps about it and pushes it back and back.

[elaine567]

I am sorry but she is doing what she wants to do and has the added advantage of having you sticking around as plan B should it all go pear shaped.

She dumped you for a reason and I guess that very same reason will rear its head again should you get back together, if you ever do get back together.

She probably has not really found what she wants, so she grabs a bit of him and a bit of you, as neither of you alone is actually the real deal for her.

Plenty dumpers want to be friends with the ex as they miss the closeness they once shared, but actually getting back together is sth they tend to not want.

 

She keeps you hanging around as she feeds you enough compliments to keep you onside, despite the fact she is going to be actually living with someone else. It is I am sure a huge ego boost for her.

 

Are you not a little put off that she is apparently just using this guy? Or are you so besotted with her that she can do no wrong?

[PerryK]

I am sorry but she is doing what she wants to do and has the added advantage of having you sticking around as plan B should it all go pear shaped.

She dumped you for a reason and I guess that very same reason will rear its head again should you get back together, if you ever do get back together.

She probably has not really found what she wants, so she grabs a bit of him and a bit of you, as neither of you alone is actually the real deal for her.

Plenty dumpers want to be friends with the ex as they miss the closeness they once shared, but actually getting back together is sth they tend to not want.

 

She keeps you hanging around as she feeds you enough compliments to keep you onside, despite the fact she is going to be actually living with someone else. It is I am sure a huge ego boost for her.

 

Are you not a little put off that she is apparently just using this guy? Or are you so besotted with her that she can do no wrong?

 

 

Thankyou, thats what i don't want to be, is a plan B that she keeps around, knowing im some whipped kid that is willing to wait around for her.

 

I was with her for a few years, we were both still young though and we both agreed that what we had was to intense and mature for the age we were and the stress we were under at the time.

 

All that goes through my head is that, she was having trouble with a bf, started a new job where she met me, liked me, left him for me. She went to uni, we had trouble, she met a guy, liked him, left me for him. She decided she didnt like him and wanted me back again. I said no. I said no 3 more times over the years. She is with this guy, they are going through trouble, she is chatting to me saying she will leave him for me. It is going in circles.

 

Part of me wants it to be "she is only coming back because i am the one it was right with" Ive been with a tonne of girls and always consider her to be the best, that it just wasnt the right time with.

 

I am not doing anything regarding girls etc for at least 5 months due to work etc. Im not going to wait around though for this girl to use the bf for help paying then kick him out for me, thats just immoral. If it happens and i am around then give it a crack but i am not going to sit around and wait for it.

[elaine567]

All that goes through my head is that, she was having trouble with a bf, started a new job where she met me, liked me, left him for me. She went to uni, we had trouble, she met a guy, liked him, left me for him. She decided she didnt like him and wanted me back again. I said no. I said no 3 more times over the years. She is with this guy, they are going through trouble, she is chatting to me saying she will leave him for me. It is going in circles.

 

 

There is definitely a pattern there. She falls out of love, looks around for someone else and then only jumps when she has a soft landing in place.

Is she lining you up this time because you are "the one" for her, or has she just run out of options and you are the "last man standing" at the moment?

I don't know.

I am of the school of thought that it is better not to revisit old relationships, they didn't work then, why should they work now? Unfortunately the same issues tend to crop up and if she left you before for another guy and she has a pattern of doing so, why would she stick around now?

I think you may be setting yourself up for more heart ache.

She may have grown up and matured, but the fact she is plotting her "escape" behind her bfs back and using him to pay her rent, doesn't sound like she has.

[tinkerbell16]

Thankyou, thats what i don't want to be, is a plan B that she keeps around, knowing im some whipped kid that is willing to wait around for her.

 

I was with her for a few years, we were both still young though and we both agreed that what we had was to intense and mature for the age we were and the stress we were under at the time.

 

All that goes through my head is that, she was having trouble with a bf, started a new job where she met me, liked me, left him for me. She went to uni, we had trouble, she met a guy, liked him, left me for him. She decided she didnt like him and wanted me back again. I said no. I said no 3 more times over the years. She is with this guy, they are going through trouble, she is chatting to me saying she will leave him for me. It is going in circles.

 

Part of me wants it to be "she is only coming back because i am the one it was right with" Ive been with a tonne of girls and always consider her to be the best, that it just wasnt the right time with.

 

I am not doing anything regarding girls etc for at least 5 months due to work etc. Im not going to wait around though for this girl to use the bf for help paying then kick him out for me, thats just immoral. If it happens and i am around then give it a crack but i am not going to sit around and wait for it.

 

How do you not see a pattern here??? She is a cheater. You will never be able to trust her.

[PerryK]

How do you not see a pattern here??? She is a cheater. You will never be able to trust her.

 

I agree with other posters above that I am being lined up and kept on the side as the guy to come to if it fails. I know there is a pattern of being with a guy, being unhappy with that guy, looking elsewhere, finding elsewhere, moving on. I am not going to be that guy.

 

However, i take exception to the above comment.

 

Not really a cheater, the history/pattern:

 

BF 1 - friends forced her to be with him by blackmailing her using him because the friends enjoyed the "bad boy" aspect that they got from hanging around with an ex convict. She hated him, we started working together and started talking loads, she found out he gave her an STD (cheating) and she left him and got with me.

 

BF 2 me - friends hated me, constantly tried to break us up because i was "a posh rich boy", they constantly tried to intervene with things like giving this ex bf and his convict mates my number and address and arranging nights out with my gf that conveniently are where the ex is with his mates. This, along with the stress I brought trying to complete my final year uni, her moving to university and making new friends and a new course and going out led to us breaking up with me and getting with a guy on her course.

 

BF 3 - He wasnt all there mentally and did things like slit his wrists and attempt suicide if she ever seemed like she was going to leave and did things like throw all her belongings away because he could. She left him and asked for me back. I said no.

 

BF 4 - She thought she would let herself lose and tried to have a 1 night stand, she couldnt go through with it and just spoke to the guy all night. He told all his friends they slept together but they ended up getting together. She is older than him and since the spark died down has realised he is boring and jealous, insecure, controlling and not nice. But the living arrangement that they had signed for was made before i popped up to chat to her and we hit things off again, so she is in a bit of a rut.

 

She doesnt want him, he was 2nd best to me, the best came back snooping around to see whats going on, she thought she had to settle but now she signed her life up for settling she is getting buyers regret and wants out.