Found out that ex wasn't emotionally faithful to me; feeling gaslighted.

[spiderlilies]

I posted about my situation two years ago, and I was advised by people to leave, but my self-esteem has been poor (I'm working on it, though) for quite some time, and so, I naively thought that maybe I was the problem, that I was just too jealous and needed to work harder to get better. Yes, I do need to learn to be less jealous and insecure, however, it turns out that my bad feeling about my ex's female friend wasn't misplaced, after all.

 

Basically, what happened was that a few years back, my ex made a new female friend. At first, I didn't think much of it. But they hit it off well and started getting close REALLY quickly. They discovered that they had a lot of common interests. They were bantering a lot, and would occasionally get lewd and flirty. I started feeling wary and warned him to be careful. I know about his history with women (i.e. he falls for women who share several common interests with him, and there were times when, instead of confessing to them, he'd instead get as close to them as possible to enjoy the fun parts of a relationship minus the hard work).

 

I cautioned him about emotional affairs, how it's a slippery slope, and how people can find themselves getting into emotional affairs without realizing it. He dismissed me as just being jealous, and said that emotional affairs aren't a thing. The woman sometimes sensed trouble and offered to stay away a few times, as my ex could never take the initiative to cut her off. (One time, after I told him that I found out that she was encouraging him to make fun of me, he didn't even sound apologetic, and very hesitantly agreed to cutting her off... before worrying about not being able to follow her on Twitter anymore. Yes, he sounded more concerned about the Twitter feed than guilty/sorry for talking smack about me and letting another woman talk smack about me.) However, she'd keep coming back, because guess who kept welcoming her back?

 

Things got worse the moment she decided she wasn't going anywhere (I blame her, but I blame my ex more). From then on, 99% of our fights were about her. He would go complain to her about me whenever we had arguments, would apologize to her for "[his] GF treating [her] badly" (by that, he meant me not liking her and being wary of her), would get really defensive about her, etc. She admitted that she continued making fun of me, but my ex defended her and said it was my fault because I didn't like her and drove her away. At some point, my ex even said that he'd rather lose me than give up the friendship, because I was just being jealous and paranoid.

 

This should've been my cue to leave, because I wasn't being respected or put first, but this was my first relationship. As I said, I was naive, and I really, desperately wanted to stay with him. Aside from wanting to work harder to change, I didn't want to let the "other woman" (whom he still claimed was really just a friend) win. I even sought therapy to try to save the relationship. He dumped me anyway, apparently for being too jealous and supposedly because he wanted to develop his friendship with her.

 

It's been six months since he dumped me. They're still not together for whatever reason, but he's apparently developed feelings for her. He supposedly developed those feelings after dumping me and spending more time with her to fix the "damage" I caused to their friendship. I don't believe that. He doesn't realize it, but he was already getting way too close to her, and he definitely crossed a line by repeatedly putting her before me. He kept saying that I just didn't trust him, but he wasn't setting any boundaries because he was just that confident that he wouldn't cheat. For me, even if you think and say you won't cheat, it doesn't hurt to be careful, and to consider your partner's feelings on a new friendship. And besides, he implied that all he really needed was space to get closer to the woman for feelings to develop, so I think that even if we stayed together and I wasn't jealous, just giving them space to hang out more and get closer would've led to a full-blown emotional affair or him dumping me because of GIGS.

 

Now, I feel gaslighted. I feel like he used my issues and low self-esteem against me to make me constantly doubt myself. I didn't want to hate him at first, and I kept blaming myself for the breakup, but now I know better. I hate the both of them so much.

 

If there's any consolation, though, getting therapy was a very good decision. Originally, it was to salvage the relationship, but now that I'm single, I'm getting it for myself and I'm getting myself sorted out. I'm sure I'll get better, but right now, even though it's been six months, it still hurts from time to time. I still find myself randomly tearing up because of a bad/sad memory, and I sometimes still have the occasional nightmare.

 

Just wanted to share my story to let it out and maybe get some support.

[guest569]

Ditto to basically all of that!!!! I've just come out of a very similar situation although mine has never admitted to having feelings for her (but I've cut him off completely, whether or not there were feelings or something going on, bottom line is that a partner should always come first and our feelings should have been respected and considered!!) .

 

He and I had a really amazing relationship and lots of shared interests, but it gradually (edit: suddenly) became a threesome when she moved to town, and then i dropped our activities cause i couldn't stand her, so it ended up just being him and her doing OUR dance lessons etc. plus more of their own activities.. going on OUR date that we had planned.

 

I will comment more later, but for now all i can say is that we are both better off without our partners than to be second best all the time. PM me if you like.

Edited July 6, 2016 by smiley1

[spiderlilies]

Ditto to basically all of that!!!! I've just come out of a very similar situation although mine has never admitted to having feelings for her (but I've cut him off completely, whether or not there were feelings or something going on, bottom line is that a partner should always come first and our feelings should have been respected and considered!!) .

 

He and I had a really amazing relationship and lots of shared interests, but it gradually (edit: suddenly) became a threesome when she moved to town, and then i dropped our activities cause i couldn't stand her, so it ended up just being him and her doing OUR dance lessons etc. plus more of their own activities.. going on OUR date that we had planned.

 

I will comment more later, but for now all i can say is that we are both better off without our partners than to be second best all the time. PM me if you like.

 

Thanks for this, and I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you as well. What's really sad is that partners in healthy, loving relationships would treat threats as an "us (the couple) vs. them" problem, but it looks like our exes and their "friends" made us - their girlfriends at that time - out to be the problem.

[guest569]

Thanks for this, and I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you as well. What's really sad is that partners in healthy, loving relationships would treat threats as an "us (the couple) vs. them" problem, but it looks like our exes and their "friends" made us - their girlfriends at that time - out to be the problem.

 

Absolutely. I communicated very honestly and clearly from the start and he treated me like the enemy and like i had the problem and I was the one that needed to fix it, by somehow forcing myself to like and be friends with someone who was quite clearly invading our relationship. Sux that he still doesn't see it that way in spite of me leaving him because he chose her. He still doesn't get it.

[toastytiger]

Same here. Yes. Wow.

 

Realizing you've been gaslighted feels awful. It sucks when someone you love makes you feel like your feelings are invalid, or makes you feel guilty or crazy for "over-reacting" or being jealous -- whether or not they are conscious they are doing it or not.

 

I didn't feel comfortable with my ex spending time with someone he was attracted to, yet he still did it. It was basically an emotional affair. After much fighting, I let him be friends with her. Then he ends up dumping me anyways for her. Seriously big lesson here. Never settle for being put second in a relationship

 

Heart goes out to you. This is a great experience to grow from and now you know better to trust yourself.