She tells her friends our most intimate things

[JewelD]

Here, I fixed these.

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I don't run to my friends about my relationship problems, and I do not agree with doing it. I am not even involved in the rumor mill (because I do not feed that fire) yet so much stuff gets told to me - which shouldn't be public gossip in my opinion.

 

Just like there are some people who need feed back on what seems like every aspect of their relationship, providing play by plays here on LS - there are others who really do not need other's input on personal, private matters - unless again, its an absolute crisis.

 

I have been in that position twice in 15 years - and I found PROFESSIONAL advice to be very helpful.

 

Honestly, trust and confidentiality between my spouse and I comes before any female friends.

 

You didn't fix anything, I said what I meant. Good for you you don't do it, doesn't make you better or worse than women who do. It's very common and to expect a woman to stop confiding in her friends simply bc he doesn't want them to know anything about their relationship is just unrealistic. If she has good friends anyway. She might say she'll stop but if he does something to upset her and doesn't want to be bothered with her, of course she's going to go to her gf's who know her the best. Some people prefer advice from people who already know them and their history, rather than a PROFESSIONAL.

[RecentChange]

You said all women do this. Several have chimmed in that they do not. Not all women share private details of their relationships with their friends.

 

Some do, perhaps even the majority, but not all do, I know several who keep tight lipped like I do.

[JewelD]

You said all women do this. Several have chimmed in that they do not. Not all women share private details of their relationships with their friends.

 

Some do, perhaps even the majority, but not all do, I know several who keep tight lipped like I do.

 

I didn't say ALL. Obviously some women don't, some don't even have friends. I suppose we can go through every post on this site where people don't put 'some' and correct them, But for the purposes of the OP's situation, the point is that it is not abnormal for a woman to talk to her friends about her relationship. It is very common.

[kendahke]

I talk to my best friend about my relationships, but I don't tell her about his sexual prowess and other highly sensitive things and she didn't talk to me about her late husband's prowess or things like that. But we sure did discuss everything else about our relationships and there isn't anyone on the face of the earth who's gonna check me on that.

[Gaeta]

In case my question got lost in there somewhere.

 

OP: Did your wife address those complains with you directly already?

[MikeValentine]

2nd time asking: how did you find out? I haven't seen where you have answered how you knew this.

 

 

I brought up fictitious scenario about something very similar to what I suspected she had shared... (someone opened the door for this fictitious scenario during normal conversation) In front of a few people, one of which was her friend I suspected her of telling intimate things. The reaction from the two of them "told me" they had discussed these things. They looked at one another with that OH ****! look. Later that night, when we were laying in bed, I asked her about it.

[MikeValentine]

You have been together 1.5 years and you are going to break up because of this without so much as talking to her about it?

Either there is more to this story... or there is more to this storty

 

Yes, isn't there always more to the story.

 

We've been dating for a 1 1/2 years. We've never argued, we rarely disagree on things. It's been a rewarding and fun relationship... BUT.... lol

 

More to the story issue 1.

Her Ex lives in another state. They have shared custody of (2) children. The children live here, with her and the Ex visits occasionally and the kids spend time with him during summer break for a month or so.

The first time the Ex came to visit for a weekend, she allowed him to stay in her house. And she was going to stay there as well. Our relationship was at the point where I would generally spend weekend nights at her house if I didn't have my kids. I invited her to stay at my house and she did however, this was not in her original plan. It troubled me that she would have him stay in her home... and not consider my feelings...

 

More to the story issue 2.

On another visit from her Ex, he was to stay at a friends house nearby. And he came, and went... and I thought he stayed at the friends house however, about a week later, one of her kids spilled the beans that he actually stayed at her house.

She had lied to me.

 

More to the story issues 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, ... Ha.

The friend of hers that I believe she is speaking to about our intimate "things" tells her all sorts of stuff about her marriage, she tells me some of these things... It's just not appropriate in my view. And I wonder, if this woman is telling my GF these things, what is my GF telling her??? We have other friends but this woman, in my view is toxic. Then I think, is my GF the toxic one?

[MikeValentine]

In case my question got lost in there somewhere.

 

OP: Did your wife address those complains with you directly already?

 

Yes, to some extent however. Either I didn't hear her loud and clear or, she didn't tell me clearly enough. Make sense?

Apparently I didn't head her concerns and thought I did.

[Gaeta]

More to the story issues 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, ... Ha.

The friend of hers that I believe she is speaking to about our intimate "things" tells her all sorts of stuff about her marriage, she tells me some of these things... It's just not appropriate in my view. And I wonder, if this woman is telling my GF these things, what is my GF telling her??? We have other friends but this woman, in my view is toxic. Then I think, is my GF the toxic one?

 

You started this thread by saying your girlfriend was talking about several things concerning your relationship and you. What is that proof?? the look she shared with that friend?? You have nothing don't you? You have no proof your girlfriend is putting you down in front of her friends.

[MikeValentine]

I wouldn't care because I wouldn't know. and I'm pretty sure my ex certainly did talk about our sex or moments i pissed him off to his guy friends. Still don't care. If they were taunting me or speaking to me about it, that would be a problem, but that's the whole point of having friends, they're not going to run back to your SO and tattle on you.

 

But reread, I said women talk to each other, they don't usually do it in front of the dude. Not on purpose anyway. Although I didn't read where the OP said that's what happened to him anyway.

 

"You wouldn't care because you wouldn't know"?

I'm not sure how to take that other than to say, we are all different, and some of us find that a partner should have a certain level of respect for the other. That level apparently varies among us. All good.

I find that your view lacks self respect and is a bit soulless. For me.

Not saying your wrong, just saying that it doesn't work for me.

[MikeValentine]

You started this thread by saying your girlfriend was talking about several things concerning your relationship and you. What is that proof?? the look she shared with that friend?? You have nothing don't you? You have no proof your girlfriend is putting you down in front of her friends.

 

Yes, see my other reply to another on here...

[MikeValentine]

They often don't like it because they feel if the friends butted out, they could have more control over their wives or girlfriends. But that is the whole point, not to be isolated and to be able to get outside perspective when needed.

 

Agreed. I don't fit into this category however. We have other friends, she has other friends and I have other friends. And we do things independently of one another. Not often, but we do. I'll go camping with a buddy, she'll go Salsa dancing...

[MikeValentine]

Interesting thoughts from all! We're all different in many ways, including our choices of what we share with others, for sure! Have never talked about my sex life or intimate parts of my R's with gfs, though.

 

Interesting indeed!

Thanks for chiming in by the way.

[MikeValentine]

I have this to say about confessing certain things to friends, no matter who they are outside of a doctor/patient setting where there are confidentiality issues at stake:

 

1) Trust - TRUST NO ONE. I say this because you never know who will / won't blurt out something to someone either in a joking way or unknowing. And you also never know who will / won't take something out of context, even something trivial, and use it against you. Once trust is broken, trust is broken and it can never be truly replaced.

 

2) Information - What information is shared between two people is their business. But when it's of a certain nature (like yours is), that's when it's sticky.

 

3) Telling how you feel - If you want her (or anyone) to stop sharing certain information, tell them. But tell them in a mature way and say "Listen (name), I really don't like the fact that you share (information) with (name) or anyone else, so please don't share those things. It's embarrassing or it's really none of their business." Whatever you do, don't shout and scream or tell them via email / text messages. It's cowardly and humiliating on both of your parts. I've had former friends do that to me. Now granted, looking back, they were not good friends to begin with and chances are they had a series of bad relationships with people before and since. Someone who does that to someone is abusive, unhappy with themselves, and lashes out at others because it make them happy. And like everything else, we live and we learn from the good as well as the bad experiences.

 

4) Stopping it? - Say you tell them to stop it and they don't. Then what? Because that happens as well. If they don't, then you have grounds to end the relationship, but this is your wife we are talking about. You are going to end your marriage over this? Some do. I don't know enough about you or her to say that this is the trigger but it's going to be a major point of contention. Remember with the advent of Facebook a lot of people started getting divorced and relationships ending over nonsense or being at a certain place or making contact with old gfs/bfs. Nonsense? Not exactly, even though it seems like it.

 

Best of luck in your situation.

 

Thank you very much for your thoughts. It's greatly appreciated.

I'm afraid it won't stop however. Truly wish it would as after (5) years of being single (for the most part) I thought we had a good thing. We grew up in the same area in MD., different towns... about 30 mile away... We're now in CO. and have alot in common.

I'm going to try to believe that I'm being over sensitive and see how ignoring my true feelings work out for me, us. HAHA.

[MikeValentine]

All you have to do is tell her that her talking about your personal life is flat out disrespectful and it either stops or your gone. If she gives you any trouble then ask her if she would like it if you told your friends about her likes/dislikes when your in bed with her. Bet the house she would be mortified if you did.

 

Let her know in a way that she knows your upset and pissed off about it and say it like you mean it.

 

Thanks,

But I'm not pissed off. I'm upset and sad. I'm in love with her and this is just very very sad.

I feel weird in front of this couple now...

[MikeValentine]

Yes, I would. I have lived long enough to know that this is indicative of a general lack of respect for others and is not something talking about it will solve.

 

This type of behavior would cause me to lose any attraction I had for the person as it's pretty tacky.

 

I am certainly losing attraction...

Going to head to the mountains Sat. for an overnight in the forest. Just me and my thoughts...

 

I appreciate your input LivingWater...

[tinkerbell16]

Thanks,

But I'm not pissed off. I'm upset and sad. I'm in love with her and this is just very very sad.

I feel weird in front of this couple now...

 

Maybe it's weird but my girl friends and I share quite a bit about our relationships. It is not ina gossipy or malicious way but to support each other when needed and to have a sounding board.

[Els]

Is there a reason why you can't just TALK to your partner about toning down the level of detail that she shares?

[joseb]

Honestly I'm kinda shocked at the number of women replying who thing there is anything odd about this.

As far as I was aware almost all women do this all the time. I don't see it as any reflection on me.

[elaine567]

This isn't really just a tittle tattle amongst women issue, this is really a problem with an ex and the OPs gf lying to him about where the ex stayed, when he came to visit the kids.

 

The friends all probably knew the ex stayed with the gf, but the OP was out of the loop. He probably feels they conspired to keep him in the dark (he only found out when a kid spilled the beans).

 

So instead of feeling like it is him and her against the world, it is the gf, her friends and now her ex who are the team and the OP feels like the outsider.

 

The close friend, who it is assumed gets told everything, he sees as the biggest threat. The OP now feels like he is not part of that group, he feels like the target, he feels that they are all speaking about him and not probably in a good way either.

[Poutrew]

This isn't really just a tittle tattle amongst women issue, this is really a problem with an ex and the OPs gf lying to him about where the ex stayed, when he came to visit the kids.

 

The friends all probably knew the ex stayed with the gf, but the OP was out of the loop. He probably feels they conspired to keep him in the dark (he only found out when a kid spilled the beans).

 

So instead of feeling like it is him and her against the world, it is the gf, her friends and now her ex who are the team and the OP feels like the outsider.

 

The close friend, who it is assumed gets told everything, he sees as the biggest threat. The OP now feels like he is not part of that group, he feels like the target, he feels that they are all speaking about him and not probably in a good way either.

 

Can he be blamed for the way he feels? There really was a conspiracy to keep him out of the loop. If this woman were my girlfriend, I would be hurt beyond belief. The only reason her scheme fell through was because you can't really control what comes out of a kid's mouth. My next question would be where did the ex sleep while he was there? Was there any midnight oil burning? Again, everybody knows what really happened except me - unless, that is, one of the little kids tattles and says something like 'mommy and daddy were tickling each other at night so much I couldn't sleep very well...'

 

Honestly, for me, that alone, and the lie that went behind it, would be a deal breaker for me as it shows the girlfriend has absolutely no respect for me and my feelings and will just do whatever she wants to anyway... I'd be gone from this situation very quickly...

[Gaeta]

Yes, see my other reply to another on here...

 

I read everything and nowhere you said if your wife already spoke to you in details of all the things she is complaining to her friends.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It is very common.

 

 

It seems to me you hit the nail on the head with this comment, JewelD.

 

Check out the second definition and the first, too, really.

com·mon

ˈkämən/Submit

adjective

1.

occurring, found, or done often; prevalent.

"salt and pepper are the two most common seasonings"

synonyms: usual, ordinary, familiar, regular, frequent, recurrent, everyday; More

antonyms: unusual, rare

(of an animal or plant) found or living in relatively large numbers; not rare.

ordinary; of ordinary qualities; without special rank or position.

"the dwellings of common people"

synonyms: ordinary, normal, average, unexceptional; simple

"the common folk"

(of a quality) of a sort or level to be generally expected.

"common decency"

of the most familiar type.

"the common or vernacular name"

denoting the most widespread or typical species of an animal or plant.

"the common blue spruce"

2.

showing a lack of taste and refinement; vulgar.

synonyms: uncouth, vulgar, coarse, rough, boorish, unladylike, ungentlemanly, ill-bred, uncivilized, unrefined, unsophisticated;

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Honestly I'm kinda shocked at the number of women replying who thing there is anything odd about this.

As far as I was aware almost all women do this all the time. I don't see it as any reflection on me.

 

Wouldn't surprise me if a majority of women do this all the time.

 

But, it isn't done in my friend groups and I would never do it. I have one friend who talks to me about her life with her husband when they have problems. She's the only one who would mention anything about her/their intimate relationship. I really don't care for it and don't encourage it but have known her since we were kids so she's almost family. I would never share the same stuff with her were I married and didn't when I was married.

[MikeValentine]

Thanks for all the replies. I broke it off. Sucks, but I couldn't be lied to.

All the best to all of you!