She tells her friends our most intimate things

[Lady2163]

This has much to do with maturity and maybe boundaries.,

 

But, anything good or bad that happens to her, does have the potential to be talked about. OP, if you think your exw hasn't shared details from your past life together with boyfriends, friends or family, you're sadly mistaken.

 

Probably until my early to mid 40s I had several friends I was an open book to and could talk about anything and everything. And we did. I was in the military, get a few of us together and a few drinks flowing and we are telling it all. About current boyfriends, past boyfriends etc.

 

I needed a LOT of validation that my actions and words were the right ones. I needed a lot of feedback. Eventually, I got to a point where I was able to better express myself and my wants and needs. I don't have a lot fights with people in my life now. I draw the line, detail the consequences and it is what it is.

 

I had the laziest husband ever. You bet I griped to friends, family counselor. It was a daily thing. If I needed him to do five things, one might get done. It was like living with a tween. "I forgot" was as common as "I will do it after this show". I was hoping people would have solutions. They didn't.

 

Money is private. Your (the man) negative views on friends and family is private. Your interactions with her are not private. Your sex life is not private - but should be limited to either boasting or talking problems over with one friend or doctor or counselor.

 

That said, I'm sort of close mouthed about my sex life. I have one gay male friend and we talk a lot of smack. Mine is usually truthful, but it could just be bs. Also, you may not consider this a matter of privacy, but I have a wonderfully erogenous neck. Which means, I may be an old, fat woman, but visible hickeys don't bother me. When I have a visible hickey, I'm pretty much showing the world that I got me a little some some.

 

If you love this woman, talk to her. Explain why you want things private. Don't just fall back on "because it's private". When I was poor, I wanted my income kept secret because I was embarrassed. Now that I'm upper middle class, I want it kept quiet so acquaintances and wannabe friends don't try and part me from it. It happens more than you would think. People have this great idea for an investment and $1000 - $10,000 would really go a long way to getting them started....

 

If you focus on how these different scenarios make you feel when they are gossiped about, if you make yourself vulnerable by telling her this and explaining everything throughly and she still can't censor herself to your satisfaction, then yes, end it.

[MissBee]

It's normal to talk to your friends about your own fears, concerns or vent in a relationship, but I do think that should be only about your own feelings and concerns and not sharing intimate details about your partner, especially things that would embarrass them.

 

I also think there should be some aspects of your relationship that are private/sacred and not for your friends, especially since it doesn't only involve you, but another being as well.

 

Drawing the line about where is the tricky part, but if you've voiced your concerns, she should respect them.

[smackie9]

Most who do this sort of thing do it for their own entertainment.

[elaine567]

OP, if you think your exw hasn't shared details from your past life together with boyfriends, friends or family, you're sadly mistaken.

 

I agree.

Many people have best friends and family members they share their lives with and when they have troubles in their relationships they share their troubles too.

Not everybody has close friends or close family members, but those that do, tend to share a lot with them, why wouldn't they?

They ask their advice, they discuss problems, they ask for help, they vent, they want feedback, they want help making decisions, they want a different perspective...etc. etc.

 

OP, If you have been ill, in hospital and in pain recently then it doesn't take a great deal of deduction to gather you are not having much sex does it?

Nor does it take much to work out how much anyone earns.

These are not intimate details, they are just things people speak about. You are being a bit paranoid

Of course if she is discussing your sexual performance in great detail for all and sundry to hear then that is a step too far, but I do not think that anyone talking to a close friend or family member about something that is bothering them or indulging in idle chit chat is a huge problem.

Many people rely on friends and family; counselors and professional helpers are often the last resort, not the first port of call in any storm.

[kismetkismet]

I DO discuss my sex life with one or two friends, but not in a negative or demeaning way. I also have discussed the details of my relationship and relationship problems with friends in the past when I'm having issues that I don't know how to deal with. I'd never bring up deep fears or pasts that had nothing to do with me though. All of that is very very common.

 

I don't think it's so much that she's sharing things about your life, but that she's speaking negatively about you in general. If she has such a negative opinion of you, why would you want to be with her?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Interesting thoughts from all! We're all different in many ways, including our choices of what we share with others, for sure! Have never talked about my sex life or intimate parts of my R's with gfs, though.

Edited July 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[mizunomead]

This is something that I just learned about in the last yr or so. But at the least it's not uncommon for women to pretty explicitly talk about there love lives with there friends.

I first caught wind of this after my divorce. Multiple single friends of my ex came out out of the woodwork looking to hookup based on stories they heard from her about us.

In my first dating relationship after divorce, we exchanged some pics. I had multiple friends of hers comment about me to me based on the pics.

The woman I'm currently dating gets texts all the time either from her friends giving highlights about there men....

[mortensorchid]

I have this to say about confessing certain things to friends, no matter who they are outside of a doctor/patient setting where there are confidentiality issues at stake:

 

1) Trust - TRUST NO ONE. I say this because you never know who will / won't blurt out something to someone either in a joking way or unknowing. And you also never know who will / won't take something out of context, even something trivial, and use it against you. Once trust is broken, trust is broken and it can never be truly replaced.

 

2) Information - What information is shared between two people is their business. But when it's of a certain nature (like yours is), that's when it's sticky.

 

3) Telling how you feel - If you want her (or anyone) to stop sharing certain information, tell them. But tell them in a mature way and say "Listen (name), I really don't like the fact that you share (information) with (name) or anyone else, so please don't share those things. It's embarrassing or it's really none of their business." Whatever you do, don't shout and scream or tell them via email / text messages. It's cowardly and humiliating on both of your parts. I've had former friends do that to me. Now granted, looking back, they were not good friends to begin with and chances are they had a series of bad relationships with people before and since. Someone who does that to someone is abusive, unhappy with themselves, and lashes out at others because it make them happy. And like everything else, we live and we learn from the good as well as the bad experiences.

 

4) Stopping it? - Say you tell them to stop it and they don't. Then what? Because that happens as well. If they don't, then you have grounds to end the relationship, but this is your wife we are talking about. You are going to end your marriage over this? Some do. I don't know enough about you or her to say that this is the trigger but it's going to be a major point of contention. Remember with the advent of Facebook a lot of people started getting divorced and relationships ending over nonsense or being at a certain place or making contact with old gfs/bfs. Nonsense? Not exactly, even though it seems like it.

 

Best of luck in your situation.

[preraph]

I hate to break it to you, but good long-term girlfriends tell each other a whole lot and I think it's fine. Now, do I think there should be some limits? Yes, but really, keeping secret the fact a husband is being a jerk is not one of them because a good friend should always be at the ready in case she has to leave or something.

 

Should they tell them their most intimate sexual things? If they need advice and perspective, wouldn't that be preferable than telling your mother in law? Or would you rather go to a counselor with her and talk about it there? I also kind of feel like if you're doing anything you're ashamed of enough you don't want anyone breathing a word about it, why are you doing it?

 

 

Thing is, how you found out about your wife telling things does tell me something. Either she is too open with you about that or she's telling friends of hers who can't act like adults and not bring it up. Because how did you even know? So yes, if she's telling some immature loud mouthed woman about it who then brings it up in front of you, then your wife has very bad judgement. But every woman should have a friend she can tell anything to and get their opinion on it. But that person should be discreet and never bring it up with you.

 

But when they will really dish the top secret dirt is when you cheat on them or divorce them. So I don't think you want to do that.

 

A woman's good old girlfriends will be there long after the boyfriend, the husband, and the dog has died. Just sayin'. We are not islands. If we don't share some of our lives with our friends, they drift away. We want them somewhat involved as long as they give good advice or just listen and don't cause problems with what we tell them.

[Els]

 

 

 

He stated she's sharing details about their sex life. The title of the thread explains it all, "She tells her friends our most intimate things."

 

 

 

Is there a reason you are against the OP clarifying? IMO 'talking about sex life' in the sense of "Man, he is GOOD!" or even "Yeah, we've had some issues but we're working through them" is totally fine. On the other hand, something like "His penis is only 4.75 inches and he cums in 1.5 minutes and omg he licks like a pussy, gives up after 10 licks" is not.

[bubbaganoosh]

All you have to do is tell her that her talking about your personal life is flat out disrespectful and it either stops or your gone. If she gives you any trouble then ask her if she would like it if you told your friends about her likes/dislikes when your in bed with her. Bet the house she would be mortified if you did.

 

Let her know in a way that she knows your upset and pissed off about it and say it like you mean it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Is there a reason you are against the OP clarifying? IMO 'talking about sex life' in the sense of "Man, he is GOOD!" or even "Yeah, we've had some issues but we're working through them" is totally fine. On the other hand, something like "His penis is only 4.75 inches and he cums in 1.5 minutes and omg he licks like a pussy, gives up after 10 licks" is not.

 

 

Not sure what you mean by being "against the OP clarifying." Clarifying what and to whom?

 

Going to try to answer what I think you may mean. Are you saying is there a reason I wouldn't talk about sex life in a vague and complimentary way such as the suggestion you make of exclaiming, "Man, he is GOOD!"

 

Yes, there's a reason I'd never do that. It's no one else's business.

[MikeValentine]

Even I find it inappropriate and from me that's saying something. Start doing the same to her and show her how it feels.

 

I don't have it in me to do that, I wouldn't want to hurt her as I've been hurt. The whole 2 wrongs don't make a right thing. Never mind the passive aggressive aspect.

The only lesson there would be that she'd learn I was a dick. haha.

[Els]

Not sure what you mean by being "against the OP clarifying." Clarifying what and to whom?

 

 

My post, that you quoted, was asking the OP to clarify exactly what his partner was saying. You tried to answer for him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My post, that you quoted, was asking the OP to clarify exactly what his partner was saying. You tried to answer for him.

 

Oh, I'm so sorry to have misunderstood who the question was for, Elswyth!

 

Although it seemed to you that I was trying to answer for the OP, I wasn't. I thought the question you asked in post #35 was directed toward me because my name was in the same post right above the question you asked. Hence, my answer!

Edited July 7, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[PogoStick]

Is it appropriate for a wife/GF to tell her friends about our sex life, my faults, the things I do when I get on her nerves. My fears in life..., my financial status...

 

Women, do you think I can let her know how this hurts me? The actual question is, will she respect me and stop letting our most intimate of things public?

Thanks.

Mike

 

1. Yes this is what women do. The female-female bond is very strong and they will support each other before they will support you. This is a kind of bond that men will never understand. That's just life and reality.

 

2. Yes, you can, and SHOULD, let her know this hurts you. No, she will not stop telling her friends about you, so you should not have this expectation. However, a great woman will love her man, she will CHAMPION her man. She will defend you and tell her friends how amazing you are. She wants her friends to be jealous of her amazing man. Give her friends a reason to be jealous. If you give her these reasons and she still attacks you, then it's time to find a new woman!

[elaine567]

We've been dating about a year and a half and she's befriended a woman in the community, they go on walks multiple times a week and I recently discovered some of the stuff they talk about.

They talk about everything apparently.

How the other women's husbands salary is lacking (in her view), his shortcomings...

He's clumsy around the house,

The lack of sex on our part lately, I've been ill and spent a week in the hospital, since then, I'm in too much pain to perform regularly.

 

I love her however, this is a deal breaker.

 

Ok, so she has discussed the fact that due to your illness you haven't been having sex. Well wouldn't that not be obvious to anyone? Is she actually discussing "intimate" details or is "we're not having sex due to Mike being ill" the sum total of it?

The other women is discussing her husband's shortcomings, what has your gf actually discussed about you, or is it an assumption you your part that she is doing the same?

 

It may be a surprise to you, but women do tend to vent about their partner to close friends, she may moan he is clumsy and they are "poor", but that doesn't mean she doesn't adore him too.

Women also brag about their SOs, gloss over problems and generally big them up too, it is not all about bad mouthing.

[preraph]

I don't have it in me to do that, I wouldn't want to hurt her as I've been hurt. The whole 2 wrongs don't make a right thing. Never mind the passive aggressive aspect.

The only lesson there would be that she'd learn I was a dick. haha.

 

A lot of men have trouble with women having close friends because they don't have close friends but only have nonintimate buddies who only discuss sports or whatever, though I defy any of them to tell me they don't also make a running commentary on every woman's body that passes by them when they're together, so I don't believe they're really angels. I just think some are so possessive of their women they try to keep them under wraps. I don't think not having close friends is a good thing at all, for either men or women. I think it's a sign of a weakness or fear.

[preraph]

Ugh, thanks for the reply. I was hoping above hope that she would understand and respect our relationship but it appears the writing's on the wall. This is a new one for me as I was married for 22 yrs and this was never a problem. But since dating, I've come across this more than once. We've been dating about a year and a half and she's befriended a woman in the community, they go on walks multiple times a week and I recently discovered some of the stuff they talk about. They talk about everything apparently. How the other women's husbands salary is lacking (in her view), his shortcomings... He's clumsy around the house,

The lack of sex on our part lately, I've been ill and spent a week in the hospital, since then, I'm in too much pain to perform regularly. I love her however, this is a deal breaker.

 

Really? Would it have been a dealbreaker if instead she had told her girlfriend "Even though my husband has been sick and in the hospital, he was a tiger when he got home?"

 

Any adult knows sex will not be uppermost in your mind while ill. Give those women a little credit. You're acting like a baby about this. She has no obligation to build you up into a sexual superstar with her friends and expect them to believe you're a stud even while sick.

[kendahke]

I recently discovered some of the stuff they talk about.

 

2nd time asking: how did you find out? I haven't seen where you have answered how you knew this.

[JewelD]

Women do this. All the time. and they need to. You can't have issues in your relationship and no one to vent to but the person you're in a relationship with. That's not going to end well.

 

and friends can be supportive sometimes,too. a woman might be thinking of leaving a man over something silly and their gf's will be the one to tell her to calm down and stop overreacting.

 

The only time it would become a problem is if the man is being somewhat of a jerk. My ex hated that I told my friends about issues I was having with him, and I told him, look, there would be nothing to tell if you weren't acting like an idiot.

 

Should be more concerned about fixing the issues she's complaining about rather than the fact that she's speaking to friends about it.

 

My advice is to just deal with it or move on if you hate it that bad. I've never been friends with a woman where we didn't discuss intimate details about our love lives, whether dude wanted us to or not.

[preraph]

Women do this. All the time. and they need to. You can't have issues in your relationship and no one to vent to but the person you're in a relationship with. That's not going to end well.

 

and friends can be supportive sometimes,too. a woman might be thinking of leaving a man over something silly and their gf's will be the one to tell her to calm down and stop overreacting.

 

The only time it would become a problem is if the man is being somewhat of a jerk. My ex hated that I told my friends about issues I was having with him, and I told him, look, there would be nothing to tell if you weren't acting like an idiot.

 

Should be more concerned about fixing the issues she's complaining about rather than the fact that she's speaking to friends about it.

 

My advice is to just deal with it or move on if you hate it that bad. I've never been friends with a woman where we didn't discuss intimate details about our love lives, whether dude wanted us to or not.

 

They often don't like it because they feel if the friends butted out, they could have more control over their wives or girlfriends. But that is the whole point, not to be isolated and to be able to get outside perspective when needed.

[Poutrew]

Women do this. All the time. and they need to. You can't have issues in your relationship and no one to vent to but the person you're in a relationship with. That's not going to end well.

 

and friends can be supportive sometimes,too. a woman might be thinking of leaving a man over something silly and their gf's will be the one to tell her to calm down and stop overreacting.

 

The only time it would become a problem is if the man is being somewhat of a jerk. My ex hated that I told my friends about issues I was having with him, and I told him, look, there would be nothing to tell if you weren't acting like an idiot.

 

Should be more concerned about fixing the issues she's complaining about rather than the fact that she's speaking to friends about it.

 

My advice is to just deal with it or move on if you hate it that bad. I've never been friends with a woman where we didn't discuss intimate details about our love lives, whether dude wanted us to or not.

 

So I am assuming that if your dude was going on and on about your most private sexual and personal details to his buds, things he never tells you, that you'd be OK with it? And believe me, guys can get so grotesque that it even grosses out other guys. Such as comparing their wives to hookers that they have had in their past, and the wife comes up wanting. Then there are the old booby size comparisons, and ass shape / size comparisons. How well the wife goes down on them and whether she swallows or not. How wet she gets, or doesn't get, whether you do or don't like anal... If you were home and listening to your hubby or BF saying these things about you, I have a very hard time believing it would be in one ear and out the other...

[RecentChange]

Here, I fixed these.

 

1. Yes this is what some women do. The female-female bond is very strong and [some women will put their friends before their spouse] they will support each other before they will support you.

 

Some Women do this. All the time. and they need to. You can't have issues in your relationship and no one to vent to but the person you're in a relationship with. That's not going to end well. [unless they seek other confidential outlets, like counseling]

 

Honestly, I don't run to my friends about my relationship problems, and I do not agree with doing it. I am not even involved in the rumor mill (because I do not feed that fire) yet so much stuff gets told to me - which shouldn't be public gossip in my opinion.

 

Just like there are some people who need feed back on what seems like every aspect of their relationship, providing play by plays here on LS - there are others who really do not need other's input on personal, private matters - unless again, its an absolute crisis.

 

I have been in that position twice in 15 years - and I found PROFESSIONAL advice to be very helpful.

 

Honestly, trust and confidentiality between my spouse and I comes before any female friends.

[JewelD]

So I am assuming that if your dude was going on and on about your most private sexual and personal details to his buds, things he never tells you, that you'd be OK with it? And believe me, guys can get so grotesque that it even grosses out other guys. Such as comparing their wives to hookers that they have had in their past, and the wife comes up wanting. Then there are the old booby size comparisons, and ass shape / size comparisons. How well the wife goes down on them and whether she swallows or not. How wet she gets, or doesn't get, whether you do or don't like anal... If you were home and listening to your hubby or BF saying these things about you, I have a very hard time believing it would be in one ear and out the other...

 

I wouldn't care because I wouldn't know. and I'm pretty sure my ex certainly did talk about our sex or moments i pissed him off to his guy friends. Still don't care. If they were taunting me or speaking to me about it, that would be a problem, but that's the whole point of having friends, they're not going to run back to your SO and tattle on you.

 

But reread, I said women talk to each other, they don't usually do it in front of the dude. Not on purpose anyway. Although I didn't read where the OP said that's what happened to him anyway.