MikeValentine Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Is it appropriate for a wife/GF to tell her friends about our sex life, my faults, the things I do when I get on her nerves. My fears in life..., my financial status... This hurts me to know end! When these woman are around I feel horrified. Embarrassed and exposed... Women, do you think I can let her know how this hurts me? Actually I have the answer to that question. The actual question is, will she respect me and stop letting our most intimate of things public? (Public as in her Girlfriends) or is this something many women do, and need... for support? Thanks. Mike
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Is it appropriate for a wife/GF to tell her friends about our sex life, my faults, the things I do when I get on her nerves. My fears in life..., my financial status... This hurts me to know end! When these woman are around I feel horrified. Embarrassed and exposed... Women, do you think I can let her know how this hurts me? Actually I have the answer to that question. The actual question is, will she respect me and stop letting our most intimate of things public? (Public as in her Girlfriends) or is this something many women do, and need... for support? Thanks. Mike MikeValentine, yes, it's inappropriate for a woman or man to tell her/his friends intimate details of the relationship they have with their SO. This includes anything you consider private. I would definitely tell your wife or girlfriend it bothers you when she does this. I would break up with a man I'm dating if I learned he was doing this, the reason being I believe it's a hard habit for some people to break and I wouldn't care to have to train someone in how to be respectful in a R. To me, the time of dating is the time to discover these types of issues with your SO as you can then break up with the person if they disrespect you to this extent. Many women do this, but there are plenty of women who don't do this, too. Not everyone has learned to treat others with respect. 3
Author MikeValentine Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Ugh, thanks for the reply. I was hoping above hope that she would understand and respect our relationship but it appears the writing's on the wall. This is a new one for me as I was married for 22 yrs and this was never a problem. But since dating, I've come across this more than once. We've been dating about a year and a half and she's befriended a woman in the community, they go on walks multiple times a week and I recently discovered some of the stuff they talk about. They talk about everything apparently. How the other women's husbands salary is lacking (in her view), his shortcomings... He's clumsy around the house, The lack of sex on our part lately, I've been ill and spent a week in the hospital, since then, I'm in too much pain to perform regularly. I love her however, this is a deal breaker. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 So sorry to read that you love her as I know it will hurt to break up with her. I guess you could try to work through it, but in my opinion it's an issue that goes deeper than just a bad habit. Again, I'm sorry but on the other hand so glad for you that you're not already married to her. 4
Author MikeValentine Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Thanks for your honesty, not sure why I felt the need to come here and validate what I already knew. Guess I was hoping against hope... Let the mourning begin. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I think it's always helpful to verbalize the issue in order to process your thoughts about something like this. You knew what you needed to do but you also needed to process your thoughts about it. For me, if a bf was doing this it would cause me to lose attraction for him so that would help me to move on more easily than a break up without this issue would. Again, so sorry. 2
Author MikeValentine Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 For me, if a bf was doing this it would cause me to lose attraction for him so that would help me to move on more easily than a break up without this issue would. Again, so sorry. That makes complete sense and It will make it easier. Have a great night! Mike 1
MissCongeniality Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Even I find it inappropriate and from me that's saying something. Start doing the same to her and show her how it feels. 3
tinkerbell16 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 MikeValentine, yes, it's inappropriate for a woman or man to tell her/his friends intimate details of the relationship they have with their SO. This includes anything you consider private. I would definitely tell your wife or girlfriend it bothers you when she does this. I would break up with a man I'm dating if I learned he was doing this, the reason being I believe it's a hard habit for some people to break and I wouldn't care to have to train someone in how to be respectful in a R. To me, the time of dating is the time to discover these types of issues with your SO as you can then break up with the person if they disrespect you to this extent. Many women do this, but there are plenty of women who don't do this, too. Not everyone has learned to treat others with respect. You have been together 1.5 years and you are going to break up because of this without so much as talking to her about it? Either there is more to this story... or there is more to this storty 6
longjohn Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I read the title to this and thought.. teenagers. Then I read the post and seen "wife" WTF? No it's not appropriate for her to tell her friends everything and/or seek their approval. I'm sure you didn't sign up for marriage by majority rule or agree to marry/date her friends. My ex wife did this on me before (unknown at the time) and I was furious when I found out. I couldn't believe she'd be blogging away to total strangers about our every little issue and the worst part. 3
Gaeta Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Is she doing this with several friends or you just caught a conversation she was having with her best friend? In my culture female friends have a very strong connection and best female friends will talk to each other about their relationship if something is of matter. My best friend is going through some issues with her partner, his kids are over on vacation and they are not raised as nicely as she raced her own kids, she can't stand they leave dirty dishes everywhere in the house or their father let them play on Internet till middle of the night every night. She is frustrated, she is just blowing some steam with me, she tried to speak to her BF about it but nothing is changing. She knows better than to nag nag nag at him, so she lets her frustration out with me. In a month the kids will be back in school and problem will be solved. Your story indicates that you have some tension in your relationship. She probably has address those frustration with you several times but nothing is moving. She is letting some steam out. Why don't you address those issues? 5
stillafool Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Just tell her to stop telling her friends your personal business or you'll leave her. That would be grounds for divorce for me because I am such a private person. 3
Toodaloo Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 There is talking about things and then talking about EVERYTHING... For example "Mavis is rubbish at blow jobs" is different to "Mavis wants to improve but I don't know how to show or tell her what I like"... "John can't get it up" is different to "John has been really ill and I am looking forward to reigniting our sex life when he is better"... Personally before the "ditching" I would try and talk and also listen. People communicate differently. try to find a way that works. I would hate for any partner of mine to feel inadequate in any way. I don't think your other half sounds horrible she just sounds like a gossip... 3
central Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 It's time to break up with her, as this is completely unacceptable material to discuss with anyone but you. A lesson may be beneficial. Make a list of any similar issues or traits she has, and reveal them to a group of your friends (and maybe hers) with her present. Then dump her. 1
kendahke Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 How did you find out she was telling her friends all of your personal business? 2
elaine567 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Your story indicates that you have some tension in your relationship. She probably has address those frustration with you several times but nothing is moving. She is letting some steam out. Why don't you address those issues? I agree. I would never normally discuss private details of a relationship with a friend, but if I was struggling or at the end of my tether, then that is when a shoulder to cry on is helpful or just having someone to vent to can be therapeutic. Many, many women use their friends as sounding boards and confidantes, she is not alone there. 4
Els Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 It really depends on what extent she's doing it and to what level of detail. If you're having problems then it's normal for her to want to talk about it with someone and get support from them. But if she's exposing a play-by-play of what you do in the bedroom, or exactly how much you make, or anything that you've explicitly said you want her to keep private, then that's far too much and I'd find that a breach of trust. That being said, are you really going to leave a LTR of 1.5 yrs without so much as TRYING to fix this? You should really communicate with her about how it makes you uncomfortable. If she values your relationship she will make the necessary changes. 3
Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Is it appropriate for a wife/GF to tell her friends about our sex life, my faults, the things I do when I get on her nerves. My fears in life..., my financial status... This hurts me to know end! When these woman are around I feel horrified. Embarrassed and exposed... Women, do you think I can let her know how this hurts me? Actually I have the answer to that question. The actual question is, will she respect me and stop letting our most intimate of things public? (Public as in her Girlfriends) or is this something many women do, and need... for support? Thanks. Mike First of all, how do you know she is doing this? Secondly, if you are very, very sure that this is going on, it is completely appropriate for you to bring up to her and tell her that if there is something this intimate and important to be addressed, you are willing and want to talk about it and make changes, try new things, compromise, etc. between the two of you and that it hurts and embarrasses you to know she is sharing these kinds of things with "strangers". If she blows it off or dismisses your feelings, you adamantly ask her to refrain from doing it. If she refuses, you need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you and let her know that. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 You have been together 1.5 years and you are going to break up because of this without so much as talking to her about it? Either there is more to this story... or there is more to this storty Yes, I would. I have lived long enough to know that this is indicative of a general lack of respect for others and is not something talking about it will solve. This type of behavior would cause me to lose any attraction I had for the person as it's pretty tacky. 4
Gaeta Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Yes, I would. I have lived long enough to know that this is indicative of a general lack of respect for others and is not something talking about it will solve. This type of behavior would cause me to lose any attraction I had for the person as it's pretty tacky. All those things she complains about to her friends did she address them with you already? 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 (edited) I agree. I would never normally discuss private details of a relationship with a friend, but if I was struggling or at the end of my tether, then that is when a shoulder to cry on is helpful or just having someone to vent to can be therapeutic. Many, many women use their friends as sounding boards and confidantes, she is not alone there. If the gf is struggling or at the end of her tether she should address it with OP, not with her friends. Also, the gf is sharing details about their sex life. In my culture this is only done by disrespectful people. However, those disrespectful people who do this would be clueless as to the fact that it's disrespectful. It really depends on what extent she's doing it and to what level of detail. He stated she's sharing details about their sex life. The title of the thread explains it all, "She tells her friends our most intimate things." All those things she complains about to her friends did she address them with you already? I believe you may have me confused with MikeValentine, the OP. Maybe want to start at the beginning of the thread, no offense! Just so you know. Edited July 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease
kendahke Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 In my culture Since you bring it up--and I'm curious--what is your culture?
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 This would be a dealbreaker for me. In fact it would piss me off to no end. You have a partner, you discuss issues with them not with your friends, your family your mother. Zip it. A therapist or counselor sure because it's confidential. People talk, the conversation will continue onto to others.....it's called gossip. Gossip can be very damaging. If your GF can't learn to talk about more positive things like shoes or purses, exchange recipes then, she has a problem. 4
RecentChange Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I agree with others, I think this would be a deal breaker for me. "out there" in real life I am a very private person. I would NEVER discuss my sex life, good or bad with a friend or anyone else who could leak such info. My husband is the private sort as well - I can trust him not to talk about us, and he can trust me. Some women DO casually talk about such things. And in my experience, many of them have a pretty big mouth and love to gossip. I can't tell you how many times a "girl friend" has told me something about her spouse - or worse yet, something about people that are simply acquaintances of mine - and I am left thinking WHY in the world are you telling me this. Why did she tell you this?!? When in an absolute CRISIS (and not sitting in the therapists office) - I have gone to my best friend (of 20+ years) for a shoulder to cry on, and still left out the majority of the details (this has happened once - when I discovered he was cheating - and I didn't even make it clear if he had cheated or not - didn't want any "word" to get around). Even I find it inappropriate and from me that's saying something. Start doing the same to her and show her how it feels. This is horrendous advice. Two wrongs do not make a right. Tit for tat does not result in healthy relationships. Revenge doesn't work. Either you feel you know her well enough that you can express how big of a deal this is to you, and that it really bothers you, and that you can TRUST her to RESPECT you and knock it off.... Or you can't trust her to respect you - and then you should end it. 5
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Since you bring it up--and I'm curious--what is your culture? I live in the USA is all the information I'm willing to post on a public forum. I sometimes include the phrase, "In my culture" when posting on LS as I'm aware that even though folks may live in the same country there are vast differences and variables within more specific groups of people as to what is deemed acceptable behavior. So when using this it is a recognition that what is acceptable for me may not suit you and vice versa.
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