She doesn't want a relationship.

July 6, 2016

I met a woman on Tinder back in February. I had just broken up with my now ex. We met up for drinks and I could tell right away she liked me but I was a bit non-committal and it didn't really go anywhere. My ex and I were still on again off again trying to reconcile, so even though I liked this new girl, it didn't feel right to dive into something new until I had closure with my ex. I strung things out for a few weeks until eventually she told me that she was now in a relationship with someone else. I said that was cool but I'd like to still be friends. In early May, she came to one of my gigs (I'm a musician). She was still dating this other guy but I could feel the sparks were flying. That night, I remember being 100% convinced I was going to sleep with her in the future. When you know, you know...

So sure enough, beginning of June she texts me out of the blue telling me she's single again and wants to "hang out". It was within 24 hours of me telling myself "It's really over with my ex. Time to move on." Karma. On our first date, she makes it very clear she wants to sleep with me. She goes so far as to tell me "I don't mind if you're sleeping with other women." Maybe she sensed I was still in a relationship? I said I wasn't (true) but we could keep things "simple" if she wanted and just have "fun". Next date, I cook dinner at my place and we have sex. She didn't want to stay the night though. The next date after that is dinner at her place and more sex. She then tells me while spooning afterwards that she doesn't want a relationship. She told me "The past is gone and the future doesn't exist so lately I've been trying to live in the present". I definitely like her and see long term potential but am not infatuated either. Maybe she just wants casual sex. At the same time I have to wonder, how did she so quickly enter and exit a relationship that started after I met her (Feb) and ended before June? How am I not relationship material but he was? She did tell me she is thinking of moving away from LA in a year so maybe that's her reason for avoiding commitment.

I know she likes me a lot. She texted me while still dating the other guy "You feel like an old friend - I assume because we've been to war" (we're both divorced). Then a couple weeks ago, I was on tour in Vegas and she offered to drive out to spend one night together. I was like WTF??? That's 8 hours of driving just for sex. She said she didn't mind.

So I'm enjoying the sex but wondering where it's going to go from here. I kinda want a relationship (even if it's just a rebound) because I really like doing couples things like hiking, playing tennis, binge watching TV shows... We're both super busy though. Also, she's actually kinda famous and has a full Wikipedia page and if you Google her name, her image appears all over the Internet. It kinda freaked me out actually because I can find out way too much about her if I go down that rabbit hole. She has lots of fans and I think one of the things she likes about me is that I'm completely outside of her social circle and fan base. But I also wonder if there is a reason she is keeping me at a distance...

So do I just enjoy it for what it is or do I risk blowing it up by seeking out something more substantial with her?

Edited July 6, 2016 by CryForNoOne

July 6, 2016

Enjoy it while it lasts. (If you're fine with something casual) The whole "not looking for a relationship thing" is something people usually say when they don't consider you relationship material, and continue to date others in the meantime besides you. It often ends with being dumped for someone they do want to be in a relationship with. She actually already did it to you once in the beginning by picking some guy over you.

July 6, 2016

I'd agree, take her on her word and just enjoy it for the both of you. However... sometimes people say things they think the other person wants to hear. She says she only wants some fun because maybe she thinks that's all you want, and so that's where you both stick. But then if you say you want more, and it turns out she truly doesn't, then you could lose her. It's a bit messy and all you can really ever do is be true to yourself. If you can handle the way things are, then stick with it. If you truly feel you want more, then be honest to yourself and her, but be prepared for any outcome. All the best.

July 6, 2016

Enjoy it while it lasts. (If you're fine with something casual) The whole "not looking for a relationship thing" is something people usually say when they don't consider you relationship material, and continue to date others in the meantime besides you. It often ends with being dumped for someone they do want to be in a relationship with. She actually already did it to you once in the beginning by picking some guy over you.

Everything you said makes sense up until the last bit. I thought I made it clear she was pursuing me but I was the one being non-committal until I was out of my old relationship. If she wasn't into me she would have ended contact a long time ago so she definitely didn't pick some guy over me. If anything she dumped him after I re-entered the picture...

July 6, 2016

She's just very clearly communicated to you that she does not mind if you sleep around (she is probably doing the exact same)...and she states their is no future which is another code word for risky behaviour....and she quickly exited and began another ''relationship''

What do you learn from this? That she has long term potential? I just don't get it...there are so many red flags and you come to that conclusion?

There is no long term potential here in any way shape or form and she is not relationship material. Try to make it any more than it is and you will see that I was right.

July 6, 2016

She's just very clearly communicated to you that she does not mind if you sleep around (she is probably doing the exact same)...and she states their is no future which is another code word for risky behaviour....and she quickly exited and began another ''relationship''

What do you learn from this? That she has long term potential? I just don't get it...there are so many red flags and you come to that conclusion?

There is no long term potential here in any way shape or form and she is not relationship material. Try to make it any more than it is and you will see that I was right.

I suppose you could draw that conclusion from what I wrote so let me validate why I see long term potential: We have the same political and religious views. She's a good and trustworthy person. We're both physically attracted to each other and the sex has been good. She is very independent and has very high self esteem. She has a successful career, is well educated, and comes from a good family. We can talk endlessly. Other than she doesn't want a committed relationship right now, my biggest complaint (if you can even call it that) is that I'm a dog person and she is a cat person... Oh I guess she;'s slightly introverted but again, not a big deal.

July 6, 2016

I suppose you could draw that conclusion from what I wrote so let me validate why I see long term potential: We have the same political and religious views. She's a good and trustworthy person. We're both physically attracted to each other and the sex has been good. She is very independent and has very high self esteem. She has a successful career, is well educated, and comes from a good family. We can talk endlessly. Other than she doesn't want a committed relationship right now, my biggest complaint (if you can even call it that) is that I'm a dog person and she is a cat person... Oh I guess she;'s slightly introverted but again, not a big deal.

This woman is in love with her freedom. It will take an exceptional man to make her want to commit to one person only again, if ever. Divorced women with a libertine behavior are good for short flings but a terrible investment for the long term.

July 6, 2016

I"m not seeing the quandary here.

Are you well and truly over your ex to the point where if she appeared today wanting to reconcile, you'd tell her to go pound rocks? I dont' get the sense that you are.

At any rate, she says she doesn't want a relationship. You can either be cool with that and enjoy "the now" or you can not be cool with that and go find someone who wants what you want.

July 6, 2016

I suppose you could draw that conclusion from what I wrote so let me validate why I see long term potential: We have the same political and religious views. She's a good and trustworthy person. We're both physically attracted to each other and the sex has been good. She is very independent and has very high self esteem. She has a successful career, is well educated, and comes from a good family. We can talk endlessly..

BUT she doesn't want a committed relationship with you, has told you so and is cool with you being with other women. That's not someone who is down for allowing all of the above to develop.

There is no long term potential with someone who has told you that's not where she is.

Take her off the pedestal.

July 6, 2016

So I'm enjoying the sex but wondering where it's going to go from here. I kinda want a relationship (even if it's just a rebound) because I really like doing couples things like hiking, playing tennis, binge watching TV shows... We're both super busy though.

So do I just enjoy it for what it is or do I risk blowing it up by seeking out something more substantial with her?

You can still do all of those things with her without being a couple.

July 6, 2016

BUT she doesn't want a committed relationship with you, has told you so and is cool with you being with other women. That's not someone who is down for allowing all of the above to develop.

There is no long term potential with someone who has told you that's not where she is.

Take her off the pedestal.

I haven't put her on a pedestal. I just described her good attributes for a long term relationship because someone else questioned if she had any. As a matter of fact, in response to your other post, I know I'm not completely over my ex. Not even close. I stated I want a relationship, even if it is a rebound, to help fill the void right now. If I were committed to being single like her, the casual sex with no strings attached would probably be just fine. Contrary to whatever picture I may have painted, she is a responsible adult and doesn't do anything stupid or take unnecessary risks. I can tell that about her.

July 7, 2016

If she just exited a relationship, then it's probably more about you than her. Otherwise why would she suddenly have such a change of heart.

July 7, 2016

I'd agree, take her on her word and just enjoy it for the both of you. However... sometimes people say things they think the other person wants to hear. She says she only wants some fun because maybe she thinks that's all you want, and so that's where you both stick. But then if you say you want more, and it turns out she truly doesn't, then you could lose her. It's a bit messy and all you can really ever do is be true to yourself. If you can handle the way things are, then stick with it. If you truly feel you want more, then be honest to yourself and her, but be prepared for any outcome. All the best.

I don't want to "enjoy" a situation, knowing that she'll dump me for someone else. That's settling and desperation.

July 7, 2016

She's just divorce.....she is enjoying her freedom, and I assure you she is still got her dating profile out there somewhere. Wear a condom.

July 7, 2016

I mean, if you are ok with just banging her, and realizing this is not going to turn into something more, then fine, go with it.

Remember, you too can see other people while in this arrangement. It will probably make her jealous, but she set it up for that. Sometimes there can be some real hypocrisy when it comes to one partner not wanting to commit, but then getting uptight when the other does the same thing.

I find it extremely odd she would drive so far to Vegas just to bang. That leads me to believe her options are not as open as she is leading you to believe, and maybe playing games with you

July 7, 2016

I find it extremely odd she would drive so far to Vegas just to bang. That leads me to believe her options are not as open as she is leading you to believe, and maybe playing games with you

Dude, you NAILED it! That's what confounded me more than anything. Sexually, it feels like she's wrapped around my fingers. There's no way she doesn't have options though. She's far too attractive.

I guess I'm going to just enjoy the sex and keep swiping on Tinder as well. I think she's playing games or it's a defense mechanism though...

July 8, 2016

So we had a pretty lengthy text exchange tonight. She reached out to me to express her sadness over all the shootings the past few days. Eventually we moved to more lighthearted subjects. She said she wanted to see me perform again. I said I was only touring this month and no locals shows but I could serenade her some time. She said "I would love that." We ended the text exchange with emoji kisses. So clearly I'm not just a lay. The saga continues...

July 8, 2016

So we had a pretty lengthy text exchange tonight. She reached out to me to express her sadness over all the shootings the past few days. Eventually we moved to more lighthearted subjects. She said she wanted to see me perform again. I said I was only touring this month and no locals shows but I could serenade her some time. She said "I would love that." We ended the text exchange with emoji kisses. So clearly I'm not just a lay. The saga continues...

I think you seem to be a bit confused about casual.

Just because she wants casual doesn't mean she will never talk about normal stuff. She just is not looking for a serious relationship.

And you shouldn't be either, as you admit you are not fully over your ex.

So no idea why you are looking for a serious relationship, unless its to fill a void, which is a terrible reason.

So this no strings might be perfect for both of you.

July 8, 2016

I guess I'm going to just enjoy the sex and keep swiping on Tinder as well. I think she's playing games or it's a defense mechanism though...

The epitome of romance, by all accounts- neither of you are ready for a relationship, with each other or separately.

That's exactly the kind of stuff that makes people jaded after a while though, so tread carefully for both your sakes.

July 9, 2016

I think you seem to be a bit confused about casual.
Just because she wants casual doesn't mean she will never talk about normal stuff. She just is not looking for a serious relationship.

And you shouldn't be either, as you admit you are not fully over your ex.
So no idea why you are looking for a serious relationship, unless its to fill a void, which is a terrible reason.

So this no strings might be perfect for both of you.

I'm not at all. We talk endlessly on dates. I don't think we've ever had an uncomfortable silence. I wasn't suggesting that it meant something that we did.

Edited July 9, 2016 by CryForNoOne

July 9, 2016

I'm not at all. We talk endlessly on dates. I don't think we've ever had an uncomfortable silence. I wasn't suggesting that it meant something that we did.

OK, I had read your earlier post

"We ended the text exchange with emoji kisses. So clearly I'm not just a lay. The saga continues..."

as you being confused and thinking this must be more than casual, but if not then fine.

July 9, 2016

OK, I had read your earlier post
"We ended the text exchange with emoji kisses. So clearly I'm not just a lay. The saga continues..."

as you being confused and thinking this must be more than casual, but if not then fine.

No actually you're probably right on that account. You were saying I was confused about what casual sex was and that normal conversation implied something more... That's what I took exception to. Of course we can have normal convo and it implies nothing.

I probably didn't make myself clear in my initial post. I don't want a serious or long term relationship right now. No marriage, kids, or moving in with each other talk. Nor buying groceries together and all that BS. I just want someone to do fun things with and I prefer exclusivity.

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She doesn't want a relationship.

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