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Involved with a man who unfortunetely doesn't want anything more than casual.

1Jessie86

By 1Jessie86
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1Jessie86 Established Member

1Jessie86

Posted
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I've been dating a guy for about 3.5 months. We're both in our 30s. I've never been interested in casual dating and I thought I made this clear to this guy before we met (online dating). I spoke to him about it last week and asked if he ever sees what we have going anywhere and he said, "I like what we have." I don't want to waste my time with him if it may never end up going anywhere. I try to date other people but I'm the type to devote my time to one person I'm dating. It's hard because he's probably one of the best guys I've ever dated, for many reasons. Is there ever a chance for a casual relationship or "fwb" to lead to something more serious?

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
I've been dating a guy for about 3.5 months. We're both in our 30s. I've never been interested in casual dating and I thought I made this clear to this guy before we met (online dating). I spoke to him about it last week and asked if he ever sees what we have going anywhere and he said, "I like what we have." I don't want to waste my time with him if it may never end up going anywhere. I try to date other people but I'm the type to devote my time to one person I'm dating. It's hard because he's probably one of the best guys I've ever dated, for many reasons. Is there ever a chance for a casual relationship or "fwb" to lead to something more serious?

 

Very, very slim chance. Question is: do you have the time and youth to waste on someone who has already told you that he just wants casual?

 

To demote your value to fwb for any reason other than "it's what I want for myself right now" is kneecapping yourself. Don't settle for this unless you want to be his eff-buddy more than anything else.

 

You can't sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in.

Edited by kendahke
  • Like 6
losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
I've been dating a guy for about 3.5 months. We're both in our 30s. I've never been interested in casual dating and I thought I made this clear to this guy before we met (online dating). I spoke to him about it last week and asked if he ever sees what we have going anywhere and he said, "I like what we have." I don't want to waste my time with him if it may never end up going anywhere. I try to date other people but I'm the type to devote my time to one person I'm dating. It's hard because he's probably one of the best guys I've ever dated, for many reasons. Is there ever a chance for a casual relationship or "fwb" to lead to something more serious?

 

I mean, yes of course there's always a "chance," but if I were you, I wouldn't continue to see him casually in the hopes that he'll change his mind. You could go another six months like this, and what if nothing has changed? That's an awful lot of time and emotion spent on someone and not being any further along.

 

I've also found that people don't really pay that much attention to what's written in an OLD profile. Even if you've explicitly stated that you only want a serious relationship, that doesn't mean that the person you're seeing is really cognizant of that. It should be reiterated fairly early-on.

 

Now that you know what you know, do you really want to keep seeing someone who isn't that serious about you?

  • Like 2
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted

Nope. He's not going to change. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he'd of made you a girlfriend a long time ago.

 

He's got every single perk of a girlfriend, without actually giving you anything back.

 

End it. It's a dead end. You're gonna wind up back here 6 months from now, 9 months from now saying the same crap.

 

This dude is never going to give you what you're looking for, and at your age, you don't have the luxury of just dating "for fun."

  • Like 2
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

snip

Is there ever a chance for a casual relationship or "fwb" to lead to something more serious?

 

In this case, I think not.

 

If a guy knows you want a deeper relationship and doesn't say, "I want that too," all you're going to get is what you already have.

 

So he's not what you're looking for.

 

Sorry.

 

 

 

Take care.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

No......you are wasting your time and have been wasting your time. What he said makes it pretty clear. If you are seriously looking for someone, only date people who are serious.....

  • Like 2
ThisisIt606 Established Member

ThisisIt606

Posted
Posted

Take it from me... I asked that same question about 3 months in and was given the same reply as your guy gave you. I chose to STAY... sure we had some fun times, I met a good portion of his friends, we exchanged holiday and bday gifts... then one night we have plans to go out, he says he will pick me up and he actually comes over to break up with me. Says he "doesn't see it going anywhere and doesn't want to try".

 

I sensed that coming because he was acting very distant and weird leading up to it. Bottom line, he's not going to change with you. Take him for his word and leave him now.

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

To be honest, I don't think so - for two reasons:

 

1. He may be the kind of guy who only ever has casual relationships. He may not be capable of bonding and so enjoys time spent with a partner but could easily walk out

 

2. He has said he likes it how it is. So, even if he is a guy that can bond, he sees no point in more commitment at the moment. If you left him, he might think differently. However, that's not something I would ever recommend as his feelings may not change.

 

I wouldn't waste any more time with someone who doesn't respect me enough to want something serious. He is dictating the terms at the moment. It should at least be equal.

  • Like 1
Better Established Member

Better

Posted
Posted (edited)

You have to be careful because there are some different definitions of "casual" out there. Sometimes it is casual due to the inability to commit the proper amount of time with the hope of something more later. Sometimes it is just someone who can't commit themselves.

Edited by Better
  • Like 1
SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
Posted

Guy's perspective:

 

He doesn't want to commit to you for whatever reason (whether that be about you or about him).

 

Best thing to do is drop him, and you'll be left with one of the following:

 

- A guy who realizes what he's lost and changes his mind (extremely unlikely)

or

- You'll move on and find a guy who reciprocates what you want.

  • Like 6
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted

Hoping that someone changes their mind after being clear about what they want is the kiss of death amd the beginning of an avoidable road of heartache.

 

Some guys pull a bait and switch and some straight up pretend and fake wanting more and others are pretty clear about it. It's a blessing in disguise when the person is clear. It's disappointing, sure, but if you proceed and get hurt when a year, 2 or 3 from now you are still casual or they leave or break it off, it will be your own doing. Many of the heartbreak stories here have started with people refusing to believe someone or thinking that dating was an audition to change someone's mind.

 

Continuing to date casually and hoping you're the extremely rare exception isn't wise. Make a choice for yourself if you actually want a man who wants a relationship with you. The truth is, if after a guy tells you this you continue, he will not say wow I'm gonna make her my gf or wife one day...no...usually you continuing means you have agreed to his terms to be casual and he will assume you are on the same page about being okay with things as is too. Relationships aren't about finding "great people but..." and convincing them to be with us. It's about finding great people with no "buts" "(:laugh:) who want what we want.

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
Hoping that someone changes their mind after being clear about what they want is the kiss of death

 

This^^^ 100% Waaaaaay to many threads on "How do I convince him to commit to me" Don't be one of those.

  • Like 3
VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

Posted
Posted
Guy's perspective:

 

He doesn't want to commit to you for whatever reason (whether that be about you or about him).

 

Best thing to do is drop him, and you'll be left with one of the following:

 

- A guy who realizes what he's lost and changes his mind (extremely unlikely)

or

- You'll move on and find a guy who reciprocates what you want.

 

Exactly.....

  • Like 2
MzLady Established Member

MzLady

Posted
Posted

When a guy tells you he's not looking for a relationship... believe him. Unfortunately.. this is real life and not a Rom-Com - he's not going to wake up one day and suddenly want to be with you and only you. After months of dating and getting what he wants.. he has become very comfy with your arrangement and doesn't want it to change. I'm sorry you're stuck in this type of situation, it sucks. If you are looking for more, I'm sorry, but he is not your guy. You should consider moving on at this point and finding someone who is on the same page as you. Best of luck

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted

I need more info here to really judge.

 

What are your pasts? If he had a LTR/marriage sand got divorced 6 months before you two dated...he isn't looking to get married. Then you need to talk and find out long term east he wants and have a heart to heart.

 

If he hasn't had any serious fling then he may not even realize what you want. He might equate you wanting to move in and marriage right now vs the relationship just developing.

 

Talk to him and see what he says....then decide.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I'm the type to devote my time to one person I'm dating.

 

And stop doing this with someone you're only casually dating and they aren't moving towards commitment. Devotion should only be awarded to someone who is equally devoted to you. Otherwise, you're wasting emotion and energy that would be better invested in someone who wants exactly what you want in a relationship.

 

You said you thought you made yourself clear---how many times, in person, did you have the talk with him that you're not settling for less than commitment? Did you leave that up to your profile and hoped he got the message? Plenty of people do not bother to read all of the fine print on online profiles, so you should develop the courage to speak up for what you want and not assume that they are on the same page just because they're taking you out or having sex with you. As you see having sex, to some people, doesn't mean "we're officially committed". It means you both were game for some sex.

 

Own your voice and never be afraid to speak up for what you want. It's better to let something end within weeks than to spend months or years assuming--being too afraid to open your mouth and speak up--and be no more closer to what you want than you were when you started out.

  • Like 1
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted
I've been dating a guy for about 3.5 months. We're both in our 30s. I've never been interested in casual dating and I thought I made this clear to this guy before we met (online dating). I spoke to him about it last week and asked if he ever sees what we have going anywhere and he said, "I like what we have." I don't want to waste my time with him if it may never end up going anywhere. I try to date other people but I'm the type to devote my time to one person I'm dating. It's hard because he's probably one of the best guys I've ever dated, for many reasons. Is there ever a chance for a casual relationship or "fwb" to lead to something more serious?

 

He doesn't want more so leave.

 

He is not going to change and there are no magic words. He has seen enough. You are not bad but not what he wants so he will keep you around long enough to meet someone else.

 

Ditch and move on. It will hurt a lot less now than in a couple of years.

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