Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 So let me begin by stating that I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months now, and he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't want to break up and actually wants to start a family with me. He's 33 years old and I'm 32. The only issue is that he is still living with his great grandmother who is 92 years old and raised him (so she's been practically his mother). She does everything for him like cooking and picking up after him. She has spoiled him rotten to be frank and treats him as if he were still a teenager. I know she seems very old, but she's in a perfect state of health and her memory is still intact. In other words, she's going to be around for a very long time. The problem is that she has started to interfere very much in our relationship, and I don't know how to handle the situation anymore. My boyfriend has told me that his great grandma has ruined almost all of his previous relationships including one where he had a live-in girlfriend for 2 years. This girl put up with the old woman during that entire time and they fought everyday. From my personal experience my best guess is that his great grandma was the one who started all the fights because she is very confrontational and will insult you right to your face. She has done this with me on several occasions and all I do is ignore her and walk away. Because of her advanced age I don't talk back to her. The tip of the iceberg was when she recently said out loud with both my boyfriend and I in the room that one day he's (i.e. my boyfriend) going to find a lucky girl to settle down with. That was the ultimate insult for me. At least my boyfriend stood up for me then, but he's never stern with her. I know he respects her, but I feel that unless he puts his foot down and tells her directly to butt out of his personal life, then the great grandma will continue to feel as if she's still queen of the house. Mind you, that house belongs to my boyfriend, not her. It's so bad that it's getting to a point where my boyfriend is asking me to stop coming over to his house because of his great grandma. My fear is that we will start seeing each other less, and that will ultimately lead to the end of our relationship. I haven't left him because I think he's the one. I can see a future with him. But at the moment because he has the old woman to contend with, our relationship is at a stand still. We can't even live together because of his great grandma. No one else in the family wants to take her in and she doesn't want to move out so my boyfriend is stuck with her for a while. He's already depressed about the situation because he thinks I'm going to ultimately leave him just like his other girlfriends did because of his great grandma. What do I do in this situation? I don't want him to kick her out, but it would be nice if her attitude could change. She's possessive and jealous and wants to be the only woman in my boyfriend's life. It's sickening how rude she can be. I'm at my breaking point and don't want to put up with this for years (or however long she will be alive for, candidly speaking). What shall I do? 1
elaine567 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Do not put yourself in competition with all his other gfs, they left when the situation became intolerable for them, do not try to be the "better" woman and stick around if it is not working for YOU. 2
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 At 33 he should be able to live on his own, why isn't he? If she takes care of him like cooking, cleaning and stuff then she is more than capable of taking care of herself. I don't see any good ending to this story. You'll just be one more girl that got fed up. 1
Toodaloo Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Can he not come and stay with you? Is there a reason why he has to stay at home with her if she is capable? At 90 she will be dead or in a home soon. It may feel like forever but its not. Sorry you do not get on with her. Old folk tend to be lovely or just plain awful... either way they usually have given up giving a damn what anyone else thinks and just do their own thing anyway. Its not going to change. Your other half needs to make a decision about how he wants to live his life. He then needs to tell his grandmother how it is going to be...
Author Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) At 33 he should be able to live on his own, why isn't he? If she takes care of him like cooking, cleaning and stuff then she is more than capable of taking care of herself. I don't see any good ending to this story. You'll just be one more girl that got fed up. I agree with you. His great grandma is very independent. Ideally he would move in with me as my house is paid off and he could get out of so much debt. Plus we would have our own place. But he doesn't want to move out at all. Maybe he enjoys having the grandma take care of him. Or maybe he's afraid of moving out in case her daughters try to take the house when the grandma passes. I honestly don't know what his problem is but he does not want to move out at all. Edited July 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator corrected quote ~6
elaine567 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 At 90 she will be dead or in a home soon. It may feel like forever but its not. Not necessarily, she is fit and compos mentis, so she may have at least another 10 years in her yet.
Author Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 At 33 he should be able to live on his own, why isn't he? If she takes care of him like cooking, cleaning and stuff then she is more than capable of taking care of herself. I don't see any good ending to this story. You'll just be one more girl that got fed up. Can he not come and stay with you? Is there a reason why he has to stay at home with her if she is capable? At 90 she will be dead or in a home soon. It may feel like forever but its not. Sorry you do not get on with her. Old folk tend to be lovely or just plain awful... either way they usually have given up giving a damn what anyone else thinks and just do their own thing anyway. Its not going to change. Your other half needs to make a decision about how he wants to live his life. He then needs to tell his grandmother how it is going to be... I wholeheartedly agree on all these points. His great grandma is very independent and is more than capable of taking care of her own self. I have my own house and want him to move in with me but he doesn't want to. He wants to stay put in his current home that he shares with the old lady. I think it could be that he secretly likes to have her wait on him all the time (he is spoiled after all) or it could be that he is afraid of her daughters taking the house after the great grandma passes if he leaves. Maybe he thinks that by staying put in there the daughters won't be able to take anything? The weird part is that the house is in both the grandma's and his name so even if the daughters tried they shouldn't be able to take anything. I'm in between a hard place and a rock. He's too old to have a childish 92 year old dictate his life but yet he's doing nothing about it. I'm beyond fed up with this situation and I feel like I have to put my own life on hold and wait for her to die (to be straightforward) just so that I can even start a family with my boyfriend. I'm 32 and don't want to wait too long. I know you say the grandma is very old and shouldn't live long but she's so healthy that I think she'll make it past 100. Plus knowing how she is she would try her damn hardest to hold onto her life just to ensure that my boyfriend ends up with the girl she wants for him. She acts like it's her choice who he dates. It's very sad.
Author Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 Not necessarily, she is fit and compos mentis, so she may have at least another 10 years in her yet. True. I wouldn't be surprised if she makes it past 100.
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 10 months in, it's time to make an executive decision. You leave it and search for a better suited man or you hang in there and risk finding yourself at 40 still debating the same old thing. I would leave it. This man cannot be the best prospect ever. He is in his 30s being treated like a baby by his grand-mother, he's asking you to not come over as much, he refuses to live independently, like really, that's the man you want to pick for yourself? Like my mom said to me many times 'nice and pretty' does not put butter on the table. Him being nice and fun isn't enough.
Noideanow Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I dont think you should leave such an old woman alone (unless he cant stand her company, which doesnt seem like the case?), and afterall she is the reason your boyfriend is even on this earth, cant you learn to love her (because right now you dont?) and cherish her company and life-experience and hopefully sometimes loving way? (if you really love him) maybe she can sense you are trying to "steel" him away:confused: and thats why she is rude to you, or she just fears it and you can talk to her about it:cool: if you have something to say that will calm her down:confused: if you cant stand her and never will then you probably have to choose freedom and see if he follows:confused:
KatZee Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 This woman is 90 years old, there's no way you're going to get her to "change her attitude." Since she's been like this with past girlfriends, I'm sure this behavior is deeply ingrained and has been for quite some time. The only way this is going to get better is if your boyfriend moves out. At 33, it's actually embarrassing that he's still there. If he was there to take care of HER, and she was ill, needed assistance, couldn't walk, had dementia, or something of the like, I could justify it. But she's not. She's more than capable. It seems like your boyfriend just enjoys being babied, and probably has no clue how to function as a normal adult human being. She's also not going to change because he enables her. Instead of actually fighting for any past girlfriends, he lets her steamroll over them and the relationship, and then he goes to find another sucker who will *fingers crossed* hopefully put up with her s.hit. Instead of acting like an adult, he stays there allowing her to continue wiping his a.ss as if he's a 5 year old. That's gross and I feel sorry for him, and every past girlfriend he's had, and I feel sorry for you. He hasn't done a thing with another other woman, why do you think it would be different with you? I'd get out of this, sorry. You're not dating a man, but a man-child.
elaine567 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 YOU also have to factor in the grieving process once she does die, as they are so close, he may be distraught for years and will be in no place to carry on a proper relationship with you.
DevotedBaker54 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 That's a tough situation to be in. It sounds like you love your bf and want to stay with him, but his grandma is making it difficult. It's especially hard now that you can't come over. Have you tried talking to her on your own? Maybe ask her how she's feeling and if you can do anything to calm her anxieties about her grandson having another important woman in his life. Maybe she will see that you really care and are willing to make it work with her. If you guys do end up getting married and moving in together, maybe you can have somewhat of an adjoining house? Like one part of the house could be hers, and the other could be for you and your bf. That way she feels safe with her family being so close, but you'll have your privacy and alone time. In the end, she's going to be in the picture for a while so you're gonna have to make it work with her. I'm wishing you luck and hope you two can talk it out
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