jasper2013 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 thanks to all that read. Im going to try and keep this easy to read with paragraphs. its a bit of a read. Sorry. TL;DR at bottom.. this recent relationship kind of had two chapters so i will start with the first after the following background: I had my last break up 2 years ago. I was depressed in a big way. Took about a year to sort of feel normal. a year and a half to really flourish. I remember the day i felt finally happy being single. I wrote it down. I dated casually. Had flings. one night stands. I was happy like that. No girlfriend needed to feel happy. I look back at that first relationship and laugh because man that girl was not worthy of my love. The shades of infidelity and the toxicity. Chapter 1: Then I meet a new girl at the height of this new found happiness. She seemed to have every box checked off for me. My age, not a club rat, solid head on her shoulders, caring, gorgeous and for some reason she seemed to really like me (we met for a first date and literally spent 6 days together as she was here on vacation). She was telling me "I think I like you more than liking but i don't want to say it so soon" after the week I drop her off at the airport feeling horrible as we might not know what this could be. She's teary. We keep talking once she's home. Low and behold she gets a job through a friend here and is back in 3 weeks to live ! I was ecstatic. We talk about how we're gonna take things slow. She gets here and we just start grooving again like before. I was in heaven. I told close friends jokingly this could be it. 2 months in and my jealousy reared its ugly head. I saw that her ex-bf across the country was texting her. I didn't like this. She is good friends with his sister but I don't see why they need to text. She says she's going to tell him that they don't need to talk. Seems to go away. I had one bout of jealousy while drunk at a party with her and told her in a rather crude way I didn't like this. This was the first tick against me as it was unfounded and dumb on my part. She starts acting distant and its starting to bother me. Hot and cold. "I don't know if Im ready for a relationship". I try and play it cool but she starts flaking so one night I tell her that Im done with this game and don't want anymore. The next day we talk again and she says she is too. I was pretty bummed again. We take a month apart. I force myself to workout more than I do, to bike. We meet one day so I can give her an item back. Keep it light casual and act like I'm not bothered by things. She was going on a trip home. Said lets bike when you're back. 2 weeks later she's back and cheekily asks to go for a drink at "our place". We hit it off like old times. We spend a couple good dates together. We get intimate. We discuss what was wrong the last time and both agree to keep it relaxed, fun, sexually exclusive and she tells me she wouldn't want me to be seeking other girls. I say the same with her and men. Im fine with us re-examinging later if we want a relationship. 2 months of this go by and its pretty good all around. I cut my jealousy off. No pressure to title anything. Then I see a post on Facebook where she tagged her ex-bf for an available apartment in our town. I ask her whats up in a non-confrontational manner and she says she knows it looks bad but she wants nothing with him. He is apparently looking for a change in his life and decides randomly this town is best...Yeah right... I know his anterior motives and maybe she's encouraging it??? She reiterates she's over him and that even if he came she wants to remain with me. Says she will tell him thats the case. I never hear another word about it. He doesn't come. No more texts. Everything goes back to light and casual. A week ago I had a down day over other things in my life and wasn't in the jovial mood I like to be with her. She picks up on it and says she doesn't like it. The following days she's distant again. Hanging out with her friends. One of whom I know really likes her but I do not see him as a threat for a couple reasons but he may be a white knight and try to disparage me. Tried for 2 days to get her to come hang out with me this weekend. She kept being short in response, evasive, always busy. Just like the first chapter. I asked her whats wrong and that I can't deal with this hot and cold behaviour again. She says she doesn't know what she wants again. Its weird because we were doing what she wanted "light and fun", which i liked too but now thats too much! So I politely say I don't want this anymore. Take a couple things back and end it. She didn't put up a fight in me doing so and I felt at the time that this is the right thing. Havent spoken to her since. Gone NC. We live in a small town so we will see each other all the time. Anyone deal with that? Did I do the right thing? Im just scared its going to be a long time before i meet someone with all the boxes checked off in such a small town. Too bad she didn't have the "no cold feet" one checked off like she gave the impression back in the day. I get waves of regret and waves of hope in single life throughout the day. I know I've been through this before. But that was with a way horribler person than a new one. Just looking for insight. TLDR: I screw up a bit. Nothing too huge? Girl gets hot/cold, doesn't know what she wants. we end up breaking up and then making up. the new relationship is good again being light and fun. She gets hot/cold again because I had a day where I wasn't in a good mood. She seems to keep a line on her ex across the country. This girl had it all and was able to turn on the love taps one day and turn it off the next. Was breaking up for the best? Was I rash in doing so?
Author jasper2013 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 anyone have any insight? I know its long. I hope the TLDR can summarize well enough.
kristyxxbrickley24 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 No trust in a relationship = no relationship You seem like a jealous BF. If you don't take her word for it then of course she would be mad. Has she ever gave you a legit reason to be jealous?
Zahara Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 You made the right decision. For such short period of time, too much up and down, insecurities and uncertainties. Even if you both continued, I am sure something would snap either one of you at some point and result in another ending. 1
VeveCakes Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 She's too invested in her ex. But also why did you break up with her if you still want her? Why not suggest a relationship and see what she wanted?
jofor Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 It sounds like you didn't trust her, I'm wondering why? Did she show herself to be untrustworthy? What do you think she needed? There is a lot about you and your needs, which is important of course, in your post. Though I think if you want to find a truly meaningful relationship you will need to focus on the other person and their needs. You might have done that I don't know just going by your story. I think you are right to relax and enjoy singleness, that's great. 1
Author jasper2013 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 yes i definitely had some trust issues in the first part of the relationship. Probably stemming from my past. I shouldn't have acted on them. I nipped them in the bud hence when I saw the Facebook post from her ex I just asked nonchalantly and if she was interested in him still. She said no I want you I will tell him I'm not interested. Never heard another word from him. I ended things because I was so tired of the guesswork of where I stand, even though a huge part of me still thinks she's the best Ive ever met. I see our similarities and think how can this not be the best? I could have asked for a relationship but was assuming she already knew she doesn't want one or else she wouldn't say "i don't know what i want". Im getting opinions from women that I should just go back and lay it all on the line and "fight for her". "women like to be fought for" Is that the right idea? I would be so crushed if i lay my heart on the line and theres someone else in the picture or she truly wants to be single. I mean she must have known i would be receptive from going from keeping it cool to more serious right??
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