Need ecplaining my past when i meet women

[Hamish57a]

I really need some advice about what I should say when a lady says tell me about your self. Tell me about your past. I know we all have a story and I suppose I'm ashamed of mine. I find my self saying too much and they just can't get away fast enough. Here's my story.

I was married when I was 23. I met Donna in a hotel, we hit it off and we spent the night together she was from out of town. We said good bye, good time right. A month later we were married against everyone's wishes. It lasted 6 months. I didn't know she had two children and I didn't care. Everyday with her was a struggle. She was a night mare but I loved her. I was hurt and moved on. 3 years later I met Trula, we got married after a year. We were married 25 years. We had a daughter. A house, great job and life was great. Then I lost my job. The place closed and moved south of the border. I couldn't find a job. I was so afraid. I forgot who I was. I was a failure. I alienated my family, my wife, my daughter, I was a mess. Then I reconnected with Donna. I left my wife and we and my family but it was a nightmare again but worse. I felt so guilty that I alienated her. Then 4 months later I met Laurie and once my divorce was settled I married her. A new start right. But I was totally screwed up.

I didn't care if I lived or died. Really I was hurting bad and I didn't Cate about anything, so you can imagine how much I had to offer Laurie, I left her and went back 6 times over the course of 7 years. I did finally get a job after 2 years at a great job and I loved it. It certainly helped my state of mind. But my new wife hated me working at the Airport. Their was just too many distractions there. Too many women. She was so insecure and jealous. She drove me up the wall. I didn't or couldn't see my daughter for fear of her trying to get me back with her Mom, so I stopped seeing my daughter and my parents. I quit my job. In the mean time Lauries daughter had a child, my Grand daughter. She enriched my life emmensly. She helped me feel life again and Laurie and I struggled. When I finally awoke from the nightmare. I hadn't seen my daughter in 5 years, was fed up with Laurie and her controlling me. But I let it happen. I wanted so desperately to see my daughter but if I left I'd be losing the kids by now Peighton was born. What to do? I was dieing inside slowly everyday. A friend interceded an old friend convinced me to leave. So I did, that was 8 months ago. I see my daughter often, I talk to my parents and two of my siblings and I'm happier than I have been in years but I'm so lonely and afraid to fail again. I know I'm a good guy. I don't have any trouble meeting and talking to women. But what do I say. My god I'm terrified, and I hate to lie. I know my past is behind me. I've come to terms with what I did, I don't understand why I left my wife of 25 years but I'm good with it after 8 years. I know I never loved Laurie but I miss the kids terribly. I just wanted some one to love me as I will love them. I know I need to be patient and not rush into things but I'm terribly afraid to even try. What a story eh. Sorry couldn't help that eh lol. Thanks if you read it all. Please tell me what you think and thank you

[Hamish57a]

Why is my post ignored, are my setting set so I get no replies or is that you just don't care. Confusedb

[JAbba2gEther]

I really need some advice about what I should say when a lady says tell me about your self. Tell me about your past. I know we all have a story and I suppose I'm ashamed of mine. I find my self saying too much and they just can't get away fast enough.

 

Hello Hamish

 

I felt sad as I heard your situation. I feel your heart - you are a man who is aware of his shortcomings and one who is very tender. You know how to love your daughter and granddaughter, and you have such a tender heart.

 

When you say that women can't get away fast enough, it appears that women are actually attracted to you. You have been married for over 32 years of your life ad you are now 58 years old. In one of the seven year relationships, your wife loved you so much that she was willing to take you back after you moved out over SIX times. Not many men get that many chances from a wife he has left. This does not speak of failure with women - this speaks of a heart condition that you may have - insecurity.

 

Insecurity can cause us to run away. When we feel as if we are unlovable, we feel we have failed in some way. It seems as if there are two factors that make you insecure:

a. your loss of a job and the insecurity it causes

b. when a wife you are with appears to control you too much

 

Generally, at times of stress or when you feel insecure, you run away. Rather than facing the trouble head on, it is easier to clear out from the situation. You blame yourself, get depressed, and then run away.

 

You are also controlled by fear. I quote you:

 

[i had] a house, great job and life was great. Then I lost my job. The place closed and moved south of the border. I couldn't find a job. I was so afraid. I forgot who I was. I was a failure.

 

Fear can do this. Cause you to forget who you are. A man who is striving to do the best he can, but experienced a setback. Afraid that you might let down your daughter and wife; that you will lose their respect.

 

I believe that you may have struggled with your relationship with your mother. Perhaps she tried to rescue you from every trouble when you were a child, and now you have come to depend on a woman - a wife - to make you feel secure. But, you felt resentful of your mom's interference all the time; and this causes you to have a love-hate relationship with women. You find that you can't live without women, but don't want to be stifled by them. You want to show them how much you can take care of them.

 

I wonder, too, whether you run away form stress and fear as you may have seen your own father do the same at a critical time in your life? I do not know - I do not know you. But I would suggest that you go to a male counsellor and talk to them about your family history, your fear, your insecurity and your tendency to run away when you feel stress or insecurity. You know, you are more successful than you think you are. The long relationships with your past wives indicates you are loveable, but the only thing that limits you is ... your running away from relationships when there is pressure and stress in your life. This fleeing will stop you from communication, from overcoming shame, from working through problems and won't help you develop your self confidence again.

 

Don't give up. I suggest you attend a counsellor as soon as possible, and don't be scared of meeting your daughter and granddaughter. You are more loveable than you think.

 

There is a saying from the Holy Bible that says you can love your neighbour (the people around you) when you love yourself. Counselling can help you with this, and help you move forward ready to make the next important decision of love you may face in the future.

 

Edited July 5, 2016 by JAbba2gEther

[Hamish57a]

Thank you. When I was a boy, my mother told me that I was different. I didn't associate with other kids very well and I hid away. Every one knew I was different. My dad and never got along,he was a rough guy but I must say the older I get the more I understand him. And yes my mom is for ever interfering in everything I do. She just gets angry with me every time I talk to her.

 

I feel very bad that I wasn't able to enrich my second wife's life like I should of. But I am glad that I'm not with her. It's time to move on. My wife of 25 years was so timid,so complying. I know what type of woman works for me and I know I've learned a ton.

 

I suppose it's probably better that I learn to like my self before I try to love another and I'm getting there. And when I meet some one just go slow but don't lie. I just can't deceive so I won't. Perhaps I haven't met my one true love yet. I don't think I will talk to anyone. I've tried and they just tell me what I already know. Us I'm lonely but I think I've been living with in my own thoughts for a very long time. Even being with some one doesn't mean you're not alone. But thank you. I was expecting every one to say that I was a hurtful person and stop ruining people's lives. But they haven't lived my life so they don't truly understand all the hurt and anguish thanks again.f

[Sunnymae]

I don't think full disclosure about your past is necessary, especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable. When they say tell me about yourself, just saying I'm a hardworking father of two daughters, I wear my heart on my shoulder, I'm easy going, and I'm looking for a friend to be intimate with and if it grows into something else great. Although, they may ask you about your past relationships you can just be short and to the point without elaborating. Say something like: I was married, but now I'm divorced. Not a big deal especially at your age.

[NTV]

I think if you focus on the kid, you will find a woman right for you without trying.

[JAbba2gEther]

Thank you. When I was a boy, my mother told me that I was different. I didn't associate with other kids very well and I hid away. Every one knew I was different. My dad and never got along,he was a rough guy but I must say the older I get the more I understand him. And yes my mom is for ever interfering in everything I do. She just gets angry with me every time I talk to her.

 

I feel very bad that I wasn't able to enrich my second wife's life like I should of. But I am glad that I'm not with her. It's time to move on. My wife of 25 years was so timid,so complying. I know what type of woman works for me and I know I've learned a ton.

 

I suppose it's probably better that I learn to like my self before I try to love another and I'm getting there. And when I meet some one just go slow but don't lie. I just can't deceive so I won't. Perhaps I haven't met my one true love yet. I don't think I will talk to anyone. I've tried and they just tell me what I already know. Us I'm lonely but I think I've been living with in my own thoughts for a very long time. Even being with some one doesn't mean you're not alone. But thank you. I was expecting every one to say that I was a hurtful person and stop ruining people's lives. But they haven't lived my life so they don't truly understand all the hurt and anguish thanks again.f

 

Hello again, Hamish,

 

You know, there used to be an old saying "sticks and stones may broke my bones, but names will never hurt me". Today, that is known as a fallacy. The attributes spoken to you by your friends, and particularly your caregivers (your parents), can add scars and limit you for a lifetime. I can see how a mother who is overly critical and angry can cause you to become timid and complacent. This may not be the real you, however.

 

You say that you begin to" understand your father as you grow older". This is what happens many times, but that's how a counsellor can help you to bring an age-appropriate outlook to your childhood. You see, your brain is like a big hard drive. It stores many things, kept locked up until the appropriate command and 'password' is entered to locate its data. You have much data from your childhood - the emotions you felt at that age, the perspective you had at the age when you faced the situation, and so on. As it appears you are compassionate, and probably quite a sensitive chap (which is a good quality); you probably internalised a lot of what your mother and father said about you and it has affected your self talk. This is why you are still saying that women hate you and that you are only valuable when you are working - these are the messages you imbibed through your interactions with your mother and father.

 

Hence, a family relationships counsellor who is experienced with 'families of origin' will be an ideal person to talk to. I will be happy to suggest a site that has a database of them if you are in the States. If you are in another country, I can suggest sites you can go to locate such a counsellor.

 

I feel very bad that I wasn't able to enrich my second wife's life like I should of. But I am glad that I'm not with her. It's time to move on. My wife of 25 years was so timid,so complying. I know what type of woman works for me and I know I've learned a ton.

 

You know, this marriage lasted for 25 years. The type of woman you may need is actually timid and complying, not overbearing. We are often attracted to the person who most models our parents and, for you, if your mother was angry, overbearing and critical; you are most likely to feel comfortable with that type of person. You are also most likely to respond to your partner the way your father related to your mother; and also in the way you decided to react to your mother as a child.

 

You probably made quite an impact on your wife of 25 years. You gave her security, someone to love and someone she knew loved her; a father who looked after her daughter, and a person to talk to at night. A woman wants security and stability, and just wants to be loved and reassured. You did this for 25 years, and I am sure your wife was shocked when you moved out.

 

There is a technique in counselling called 'reframing', which is something you could talk about with a counsellor. This means that you can change the way you speak and label situations. For example, there are two ways you can see a situation when you and your wife disagree. You can see it as a possible challenge to your self esteem and say "I'm not the best for my wife as she always argues with me. There must be something wrong with me". However, you can choose to reframe your thoughts and say "disagreements means that my wife and I look at things differently. This means we are both unique and special. I'll negotiate with my wife because I know my opinion is important, and so is hers..." Reframing is a powerful strategy to train your self talk.

 

I was expecting every one to say that I was a hurtful person and stop ruining people's lives.

 

You know, this is not necessarily true. There is another theory about how people look at the world. It's called 'the looking glass self". This means that you see yourself by how you imagine others see you. But, this can be tainted by the way you were treated by your parents, and how you reacted to that treatment. In your case, it appears that you see yourself as a bother, as someone not worthwhile, and as someone who does not have anything to offer people. This is not necessarily true, and this is why you need to reframe your self talk.

 

When I was a boy, my mother told me that I was different. I didn't associate with other kids very well and I hid away. Every one knew I was different.

 

How do you think you were different? You know, many people are shy; but that doesn't mean they aren't interesting. People will see your life as interesting, and your unique experiences in life, your unique personality and your caring nature are very attractive to many people. If you work on your self talk and reframe your thoughts about life, who knows what you can achieve - the immense contribution you can give to your granddaughter, your daughters and the lives that you have married, or other women you choose to be with in the future.

Edited July 6, 2016 by JAbba2gEther

[Hamish57a]

Thank you for your insight. I'm in Canada, Orillia, Ontario to be exact. You know me pretty good. Yes I am a compassionate person, I do analys everything I do. I'm afraid to say a stupid comment for fear some one might laugh. Lately I'm really struggling with who I've become. Yes I feel like I've let everyone in my family down. But through it all my daughter has been my strength. Such a wise kud at 26.

 

Perhaps I should talk to someone, I could certainly use a bit of direction that for sure. I have a friend who cares for me very much and I discuss this with her but I feel she's byiss because she loves me. I think of her as a friend and that's it. I keep saying to her that I'm not capable of loving anyone and in fact even though I've been married for a total of 32 years I can't remember ever feeling love but I must of right. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me I do appreciate your comments. This is why I joined this site

[JAbba2gEther]

No worries, Hamish.

 

I would suggest that, because you have had problems with your mother; and have resentments with the wives and girlfriends you've had, I would be contacting a male counsellor if I were you. It might be daunting, since you had just a harsh time with your own father. However, you do not wish to develop an emotional affair with your female friend, plus having a male perspective will only serve to enrich your sense of male identity.

 

By the way, I am a male and you have found some comfort. Perhaps this means there could be another male counsellor that may of assistance to you? Here is a link that may be useful to you:

 

1. http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/contact

2. CAMFT