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4 months post-breakup and still not over my short-term relationship

ptlouie11

By ptlouie11
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ptlouie11 Member

ptlouie11

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Hey guys, I'm seeking some words of wisdom from you all since I'm still struggling getting over a guy who broke up with me 4 months ago and we were together for about 5 months. After the break-up, we decided to stay friends because we both enjoy each other's companionship. However, I realize I've been the only one who reached out about once every few weeks, we would meet up in person and hang out platonically. I get some short-term pleasure from hanging out with him but I feel devastated afterward because each time I'm being reminded that I'm not good enough for him to date. I'm well aware that he's never into me and even though I'm not over him yet, I know that there's no chance of us getting back together. I don't know why I'm still feeling sad every single day and I can't resist the urge to text him because I know if I don't then I'll never hear from him again. He has told me multiple times that he enjoys our friendship and he doesn't want to let go of what we have. Yet, he has never initiated once since the break up but agreed to hang out with me every time I initiated. I know if he didn't enjoy my company he wouldn't have agreed to see me. I thought that treating him as a friend would help me move on but so far I feel like I'm more invested in the friendship than he is and I can't do it. There have been times when he told me he'd reach out to me after he gets back from his trip, after his graduate exams are over, etc. and never followed through.

 

Any words to help me move on would be much appreciated.

FTM042014 Established Member

FTM042014

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The thing about short term relationships ending is you tell yourself that because of the length of time you shouldn't be grieving so badly. There's also the pain of the loss of what could have been. I am still having a tough time a year after the end of a 2 month relationship so I can relate. May I ask how the relationship was? If there weren't many instances of discord or unhappiness it can be a shock when it ends because you may not be able to pinpoint why. Also, were you under the impression during the relationship that both partners wanted this to be a long-term, serious affair? That may play into your sense of loss also. Unmet expectations. Thinking you're on the same page and then unceremoniously finding out you were not.

 

Ultimately a bond is a bond. It doesn't matter for howong it lasted.

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Charlie99909 Member

Charlie99909

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I'm in the same boat. 4 months tomorrow and I still miss her. I'm at the point where I just like to stay home and watch movies. I used to go out after we split and I can't do it anymore. I'd like to say it gets better, but you'll have good days and bad days. I haven't spoken to her in 4 months. All I can think about is how we were last year and knowing that she's happy with someone else.

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ptlouie11 Member

ptlouie11

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The thing about short term relationships ending is you tell yourself that because of the length of time you shouldn't be grieving so badly. There's also the pain of the loss of what could have been. I am still having a tough time a year after the end of a 2 month relationship so I can relate. May I ask how the relationship was? If there weren't many instances of discord or unhappiness it can be a shock when it ends because you may not be able to pinpoint why. Also, were you under the impression during the relationship that both partners wanted this to be a long-term, serious affair? That may play into your sense of loss also. Unmet expectations. Thinking you're on the same page and then unceremoniously finding out you were not.

 

Ultimately a bond is a bond. It doesn't matter for howong it lasted.

 

That's very true. I feel bad telling people that I still haven't moved on after this long. My friends tell me I should have long ago since we were only together for a few months. The thing is I haven't dated a lot and he's a genuinely nice guy. He was respectful and kind towards me. Always offered to pick me up on dates and treated me really well. We had a lot of mutual interests and life goals. However, the whole time, I could tell he wasn't all that into me because he didn't really talk to me every day. He'd only text me to plan dates. He ended things when I asked him for commitment since we were together for 5 months and no title. He's not a commitment phobe by any mean because he's dated girls before. He told me that he enjoys my company but he doesn't feel a strong connection. I took that very hard on myself and thought that maybe I'm lacking in some ways.

 

Anyway, I tried to be friends afterward and I truly meant to pursue a friendship with him. So far, he seems to not even want to invest in a friendship with me hence why I've been the only person initiating contacts. It's been a month since I last saw him. I keep telling myself that it'll get better each day goes on but I'm still in a lot of pain. :(

oasis Established Member

oasis

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That's very true. I feel bad telling people that I still haven't moved on after this long. My friends tell me I should have long ago since we were only together for a few months. The thing is I haven't dated a lot and he's a genuinely nice guy. He was respectful and kind towards me. Always offered to pick me up on dates and treated me really well. We had a lot of mutual interests and life goals. However, the whole time, I could tell he wasn't all that into me because he didn't really talk to me every day. He'd only text me to plan dates. He ended things when I asked him for commitment since we were together for 5 months and no title. He's not a commitment phobe by any mean because he's dated girls before. He told me that he enjoys my company but he doesn't feel a strong connection. I took that very hard on myself and thought that maybe I'm lacking in some ways.

 

Anyway, I tried to be friends afterward and I truly meant to pursue a friendship with him. So far, he seems to not even want to invest in a friendship with me hence why I've been the only person initiating contacts. It's been a month since I last saw him. I keep telling myself that it'll get better each day goes on but I'm still in a lot of pain. :(

 

The reason that you cannot get over him is because you are still in contact with him. Those on and off contact is like reopening an old wound, thus preventing it from healing. The only way for you to heal, is to cut him off totally. He does not want to be in a relationship with you and has made that crystal clear....so therefore you should not be confused by his treatment of you. It is over for him.

 

 

Please get a hold of your self-respect and stop wasting time picking up breadcrumbs. Good luck to you in keeping with No Contact.

FTM042014 Established Member

FTM042014

Posted
Posted
That's very true. I feel bad telling people that I still haven't moved on after this long. My friends tell me I should have long ago since we were only together for a few months. The thing is I haven't dated a lot and he's a genuinely nice guy. He was respectful and kind towards me. Always offered to pick me up on dates and treated me really well. We had a lot of mutual interests and life goals. However, the whole time, I could tell he wasn't all that into me because he didn't really talk to me every day. He'd only text me to plan dates. He ended things when I asked him for commitment since we were together for 5 months and no title. He's not a commitment phobe by any mean because he's dated girls before. He told me that he enjoys my company but he doesn't feel a strong connection. I took that very hard on myself and thought that maybe I'm lacking in some ways.

 

Anyway, I tried to be friends afterward and I truly meant to pursue a friendship with him. So far, he seems to not even want to invest in a friendship with me hence why I've been the only person initiating contacts. It's been a month since I last saw him. I keep telling myself that it'll get better each day goes on but I'm still in a lot of pain. :(

 

It is disrespectful for people to tell you how long they believe you should grieve. They are not you. They do not experience what you do. You mentioned that you don't date a lot. I think this is key. You may want to explore why that is. The answers may lie there. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy holds so much weight for you because you subconsciously believe there won't be anyone else for awhile. Or ever. Perhaps bringing some balance and experience into your dating life will help when you are ready to try again.

 

If someone does not seem as into you as you are into them, please, walk away. You do not have to settle or hope or try to make someone want you. They are not right for you if that is so. When you are ready to date again keep that in mind and find a guy that is smitten with you also.

 

Think about the other reasons this particular dude is so important to you and start to break them down with logic. Be honest with yourself in that. He symbolizes something for you. It may not even be about him specifically.

 

I admit I have a ways to go in my recovery but I am much much better now. You know why? I ceased all forms of contact with her. And you know what made me relapse in May? Facebook stalking her bf: also a form of breaking no contact. Since that moment I have been progressing. And my urge and desire to contact have gone. So even though she dumped me last May it has only been a few months since it was totally over for me. You are doing the same by dragging it out.

 

It's so hard when you are attached and don't want it to end, I know, but it sounds like it's time to admit some truths. And begin to accept them.

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ptlouie11 Member

ptlouie11

Posted
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The reason that you cannot get over him is because you are still in contact with him. Those on and off contact is like reopening an old wound, thus preventing it from healing. The only way for you to heal, is to cut him off totally. He does not want to be in a relationship with you and has made that crystal clear....so therefore you should not be confused by his treatment of you. It is over for him.

 

 

Please get a hold of your self-respect and stop wasting time picking up breadcrumbs. Good luck to you in keeping with No Contact.

 

You're absolutely right! I didn't have the strength to do no contact but I know that's the best course of action for me right now. The reason I continued to reach out was because he always agreed to see me which led me to thinking that he likes my company. Why do you think he tells me he wants to be my friends and makes promises to stay in touch but never initiates?

 

What are some things that you can do to maintain no contact?

fixing Established Member

fixing

Posted
Posted

He doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the relationship is over and its best that you both part ways. That's why he is foolishly telling you he 'enjoys the friendship'.

 

It is doing nothing but prolonging your grieving over the relationship. You really must cut contact altogether and ignore him when he finally reaches out to you, because when he does, it will be coming from a selfish place on his end.

 

And, nobody should ever judge themselves over not being over someone. There are no parametres or ratios to getting over the ex.

 

We are all humans, but we ALL feel differently. Emotions and feelings can be crippling for some, and not so much for another.

 

Seriously, you deserve so much better then to be some tag along friend with someone you once were together with.

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