Author wmacbride Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 While I understand this analogy - it still doesn't recognize that a lack of "happiness" or contentment, or fulfillment, or whatever you want to call it - made him take that turn into the drive through window. I know all of our scenarios are different. But to use the same analogy, from my understanding (as a BS and a WS)... Moderation! It shouldn't be all or nothing. For me, I didn't realize that "eating at home" wasn't making me happy any more. I didn't realize I until I had that sip of soda, and remembered I LOVE SODA! I haven't had a sugary soda like this in SO LONG. Ugh, I can't imagine having to live the rest of my life and never tasting soda again, why does it have to be unsweetened tea for the rest of my life? My spouse and I used to treat ourselves to soda now and then - but now all he wants is folded white napkins every night. So while yes, my cheating was certainly "ice water in the face" - it was for both of us. It was for our relationship - status quo wasn't working any more, and a shake up had to happen - wasn't the right way, but honestly, it was effective. So now my husband and I indulge in some soda. We have reconnected with the things that brought us together in the first place - and it wasn't pressed linen. The responsibility and work that go into a successful and long relationship still have to be tended to - but what is the point of making it work - without that fiery passion, without that sugary soda. We added that BACK into our relationship, because we realized we had become complacent and were not tending to those IMPORTANT parts as well. If you get your junk food itch scratched at home, that drive through window has no pull. I understand what you are saying, and I agree to a point. However, this doesn't explain the people who say that they were not looking for an affair and that it just sort of happened.
Author wmacbride Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Ah, no sorry you misunderstand. I mean some people are not happy with themselves or don't feel they're worthy of love or have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. They need therapy BEFORE getting married. They need to work on themselves before they ever could be happy in a marriage. And some people are just narcissists. In reality they also need therapy, but they never get because they think they're practically perfect. Ah okay. That does make sense.
RecentChange Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I understand what you are saying, and I agree to a point. However, this doesn't explain the people who say that they were not looking for an affair and that it just sort of happened. I wasn't looking for an affair, I didn't even realize that I had been missing "soda". Met someone handsome and charismatic - nothing new there, you meet people, I had plenty of times in prior years, when I was still getting soda at home. A chat would have been the end of it. But suddenly his attention was alluring. Suddenly I noticed the flirting when previously "content" at home I wouldn't even realize when someone was being a flirt. He was giving me attention that had been missing and craved - subconsciously. Changes in a long term relationship (I cheated after being 100% faithful for 14 years) happen so gradually, so incrementally that often you don't even notice. I knew my husband was depressed, I have been to the counseling sessions - what I didn't realize, was that we had grown apart emotionally. That he wasn't giving me the attention I craved (and honestly he couldn't), and that *I* was not giving him the attention he needed either. We had neglected an important part of our relationship. Validation, making the other feel sexy and desired. Passion. And there I was - someone else was offering all those things on a platter, and I didn't resist it. All the years prior, any advances would have gotten a chuckle, and "I am sorry, I am not single" - but this time, for the first time, I flirted back.
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I was not looking for an affair either...never even thought about it. I enjoyed the flattery and flirting....I let it go too far. Completely my fault I was happy in my marriage. I loved my husband. I just got caught up in the moment...moved my boundaries and looked for a reason to validate why it was ok. Scary isn't it? Little Miss goody two shoes...Miss religious...perfect little wifey.... became a slvt.
Midwestmissy Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Recent change, I get what you're saying. And it makes perfect sense in your situation. In our case, the junk food presented itself (as it had for both of us over 28 yrs) and he now decided it was a reward. His was a case of coming up on 50, not having achieved what he had wanted, blaming me for it (projection) and deciding her attention was validation. And that the enthusiasm behind the attention was in fact valid. Then I became demonized. A 6 month affair with an married employee, no love. Then as she confided in him, he realized he was sleeping with a serial cheating opportunist and the ego strokes didn't pack the same punch. He's done a lot of therapy - our marriage didn't bring on his affair, his insecurities and years of presenting a happy self while internally blaming me for his unhappiness did. I had no idea. we weren't missing sugar at all, because it didn't make him feel good (his health tanked from the stress). We were missing authenticity and honesty, which are the last things an affair provides. He comes from a family everyone believes is so happy and awesome. He was taught that to present oneself otherwise was weak and reflected poorly on his mother. They in fact are all eating at the gas station constantly instead of either dealing with life directly or reaching out for help. Their cover is being social workers, which enables them to "solve" others' problems and appear (in their minds) in complete control. They are an unhappy group. They wanted our marriage to end, since erasing heartbroken me would be less work than supporting me. It's easier to flit from one crappy buffet to another because it makes one seem so busy and complex and important. It's just avoidance. Any problems are the result of someone else, so they can act happy. It's a train wreck when the avoided problems are mental disease and addiction. And sad. My mother did (and does) a number on me too - but I've never allowed it to affect my marriage, probably because I saw the writing on the wall with her when I was very young and I always viewed my husband and kids as a way to get the healthy relationship I always felt I hadn't had in my family. Which is why the affair hurt me so badly. But one person can't save a marriage or someone else's crappy diet.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Can someone have an affair and still be happy in their marriage? I'm hoping o get input from people who are married, especially those who have been in one that experienced an affair, as they have the "inside scoop", so to speak. Speaking from my WW's perspective she says she/we were happy and still best friends UNTIL she met the OM. Once she fell for the OM (OM was co-worker and I was traveling frequently) then she started rewriting our marital history. Because of cognitive dissonance she started to blame me for everything. I was the problem. After D-Day she told me that I did not push her into an affair; she was pulled into it. She was bored. She had poor boundaries with men. She wasn't ready for real adult life (marriage, mortgage, work). She wanted external validation from her charming co-worker. She did not have any close friends. I was traveling and she wanted to go out and have fun. She basically checked out of the marriage for a few months, and then checked back in after her affair ended. During her affair she was miserable inside our marriage. Before and after her affair she was very happy with our marriage/relationship. Looking back the only issue within our marriage that contributed to the affair was that she had some pent up resentment because she was conflict avoidant. This was all she needed to justify her affair. At that time she was not fully aware of that resentment nor did she know how to articulate it.
Daisy2013 Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Speaking for myself, no. I am quite loyal as ironic as it sounds. When I did, I had given up on my marriage and had fought for years to be heard and paid attention to and he shot down counseling. Hell, my husband didn't care what I did and often told me I could do as I wished, he didn't care. So, I did just that when a long-term man friend of mine confessed his feelings for me. MM? I don't know. I guess he was happy enough. As miserable as he claimed to be (and I knew his wife so I knew he wasn't playing me with some stuff), he refused to leave as he refused to get another divorce as it would have been his third. I choose to think he was happy enough, so for him, yes. I was a diversion.
Recommended Posts