Do people cheat in happy marriages?

July 4, 2016

Another thread has brought a question to my mind.

Can someone have an affair and still be happy in their marriage?

I'm hoping o get input from people who are married, especially those who have been in one that experienced an affair, as they have the "inside scoop", so to speak.

Just speaking for my own situation, our marriage was happy, but he was unhappy with factors in is life that had nothing to do with our marriage, and over which I had no control.

I am basing that opinion on his own words to me.

July 4, 2016

Even if it's happy with no boundaries they'll always dig up an excuse from somewhere. It's what cheaters to best.

July 4, 2016

Sadly, yes, some people do stray.

July 5, 2016

Can someone have an affair and still be happy in their marriage?

i think so. we don't always choose between a BAD and GOOD; sometimes we choose between a good and even better - meaning, i do believe you can be happy and satisfied... and then a BOOM happens and you suddenly find yourself in an affair; some folks don't figure out what they're missing until they meet someone new. the affair can open up a lot of secret resentment and issues.

however -

Just speaking for my own situation, our marriage was happy, but he was unhappy with factors in is life that had nothing to do with our marriage, and over which I had no control.

i don't believe you can be happy in your marriage and unhappy in other aspects of your life; mostly because usually... the unhappiness in those other aspects almost always translates onto marriage.

it's a complicated subject, i guess. in general though - i take the affair as a proof that our happiness wasn't enough.

July 5, 2016

I would say yes.....I believe that some man can differentiate between the two, or compartmentalize the two. Thats why many man don't leave there wife. They may say it's becouse the kids and what they would loose but truly there still in love with the mother of their kids. And in some way thats a very hard bond to break.

July 5, 2016

i think so. we don't always choose between a BAD and GOOD; sometimes we choose between a good and even better - meaning, i do believe you can be happy and satisfied... and then a BOOM happens and you suddenly find yourself in an affair; some folks don't figure out what they're missing until they meet someone new. the affair can open up a lot of secret resentment and issues.

however -

i don't believe you can be happy in your marriage and unhappy in other aspects of your life; mostly because usually... the unhappiness in those other aspects almost always translates onto marriage.

it's a complicated subject, i guess. in general though - i take the affair as a proof that our happiness wasn't enough.

Maybe you should change your quote to person and not man

July 5, 2016

Yes, at least until they're caught. Some people will cheat no matter what, or even if happy, want something more than their marriage provides.

July 5, 2016

Some people are greedy.

Can enjoy happiness at home and want the thrill of an affair.

July 5, 2016

Oh, sure. I can't tell you how many married guys I've met over the years who are cheerfully cheating on their wives. They're happy because their wives have chosen to be deaf, dumb and blind to their cheating. Their ideal isn't one happy marriage with a wife; it's a wife who will put up with their cheating.

July 5, 2016

Yes - my wife (then GF and fiancée) carried on an EA with a MM she was previously a mistress to - up until shortly after the wedding. She was amazingly happy to have found a man like me and to have me marry her - but for so many reasons - she could not give up her OM/MM and even secretly remaining "friends" with other ex lovers behind my back.

I sometimes wonder how long she would have kept hiding and lying to me - and talking and seeing him (even with me present). Wanted it all. Sigh - hard to write this.

Yes people cheat in happy marriages and relationships. People can be weak, needy, or selfish.

Edited July 5, 2016 by dichotomy

July 5, 2016

i think so. we don't always choose between a BAD and GOOD; sometimes we choose between a good and even better - meaning, i do believe you can be happy and satisfied... and then a BOOM happens and you suddenly find yourself in an affair; some folks don't figure out what they're missing until they meet someone new. the affair can open up a lot of secret resentment and issues

I would say this was true in my case. Before the affair I would have said I was happy in my relationship.

Before embarking on the affair the married other man and I even talked about it. "Happy in your marriage?" Not on the rocks right?

We both agreed that are marriages were "good".

I think the fact that we were willing to embarc on affair points to the fact things weren't exactly perfect at home.

Eventually I started questioning why I was capable of this. Why now, and not all the years prior. What did I want, what was I looking for.

And the truth is that things weren't as perfect as I believed. I was resentful about aspects of our relationship. I was desperately missing certain things in my life. The affair made me aware of that.

And it brought forth the issues that needed addressed. Unless you know the problem, it's hard to come up with a solution.

It certainly wasn't the right way, but the affair brought things to light, that I had been not addressing - and we were then able to tackle them head on.

Today I would say I have a good marriage .

July 5, 2016

I know you just asked about marriages, and I've had some bad relationships in my life, but I've had three really awesome relationships and it shocked me when someone hit on me, as I had missed many earlier signs.

When I am satisfied, I don't bother to look for anything else. A man has to hit me in the face to get my attention, because I'm ignoring all others except the one I'm with. He's were my mental and physical energy are, at all times.

So, I'm going to take the opposite viewpoint. I don't think people who are truly happy in their marriage cheat with long, deep affairs. Is it possible for them to have a one night stand if it falls in their lap? Yes. Will they be the aggressor? Probably not.

The former MM was/is pretty happy in his marriage. She was (I assume still is) a good wife and mother. She worked her paying job with minimal drama. She was a good cook. She was an adequate housekeeper. She did complain when he was away for work. She did lay on the guilt during his peak times. She also was very vanilla in the bedroom. Personally, I think she spent more time treating him like he was a partner and father of the children and just forgot to have conversations with him. They stopped just visiting and chatting. Most conversations were about the children, the house or the next project.

So, he may not have been as happy as she THINKS he was.

July 5, 2016

I think they do especially opportunists. My WH needed to know ALL women validated him not just me.

July 5, 2016

I don't think so. I don't think a lot of people know what a happy, healthy marriage is. I also don't think some people are capable of being in a healthy marriage unless they undergo some intensive therapy. A lot of people think their marriage is happy, but in reality they're just going through the motions. They are two individuals who happen to share a home, kids, etc. but they aren't a unit (and I'm not talking about codependency). Google the term "false bond" and you'll begin to see a lot of marriages around you that fall into this category.

It would be extraordinarily difficult to cheat it you're in a truly intimate marriage. I actually think it would be impossible. But those marriages are very few and far between. Not many people are willing to make themselves vulnerable enough to be in one.

July 6, 2016

I think they do especially opportunists. My WH needed to know ALL women validated him not just me.

But, would you say you're in a happy marriage? I thought I recall that you're thinking of divorce but waiting until the kids are older.

Btw, wmacbride, great that you started this thread rather than thread jacking the other one!

July 6, 2016

Before I knew about the A I would have said we were happy, not as happy as we had been, but we still laughed, loved, liked, planned. After D Day and with hindsight, I could say so, that's why he was acting like he did. My H is the sweetest, loveliest man I have ever met, prior to and during the A he was different, I thought it was stress and as it turned out part of it was. Combat stress, a long det in Iraq during the worst of times, a lot of guilt on his part for not being able to save his comrades, guilt because he couldn't fix my illness and he says he just didn't feel good enough, that he wasn't happy with him. he says the A was an escape to being someone he thought he deserved to be, and not in a good way. He felt me, him our marriage wasn't what he deserved.

Not being derogatory to the OW, I wouldn't do that, but she wasn't like me, she was a multiple WS to her husband, louder than me, confrontational, wore attention seeking clothing and while I was a career professional she worked in a bar. Please don't interpret this as me thinking I was better, just different. I only mention it to highlight how he chose someone to have an A with as someone he wouldn't ordinarily socialise with. He said he felt he didn't deserve our nice home, our happy life, his behaviour at that time was as though he had been taken over by space aliens.

I asked him how he could say he was happy with me and how he could say he was in love with me. He said it wasn't our marriage that was broken but him and that each time I was nice to him or went out of my way to do something special it just further highlighted what a bad person he was. a total circle of self loathing and self destruction. He said he felt he couldn't be good enough for me, had I known this is how he was feeling I would have got a job sweeping the street, wearing trashy clothes and drinking like a sailor. It has taken and still takes a lot of counselling for him to feel good enough, we are one of those couples who have been together a long, long time, yet still hold hands, still laugh, love and dance alone. We have been through the worse of times, it was so, so hard, yet I never stopped believing we were meant to be, nor that he would leave or that we had fallen out of love.

I felt for the OW who loved him, there was no future faking, but she had what she wanted mapped out in her head and she was hurt. I was told by him some of the hurtful things he had done to her and I told him I was ashamed he could be so bad to someone, he was a different person. Compartmentalising allows such crappy things. I wanted to say to her that there wasn't anything she could have done to make H leave or stop loving me and us, he was never going to leave, neither was I. I just had to wait and support him while he found the happy in himself. SO, so glad he did and has.

July 6, 2016

Another thread has brought a question to my mind.

Can someone have an affair and still be happy in their marriage?

Some people can only be happy in their marriage if they're having an affair. The marriage provides them with stability, routine, security, etc and the affair with passion, hope, desire, vibrancy, etc.

Others are able to find everything in a single relationship.

July 6, 2016

Another thread has brought a question to my mind.

Can someone have an affair and still be happy in their marriage?

I'm hoping o get input from people who are married, especially those who have been in one that experienced an affair, as they have the "inside scoop", so to speak.

Just speaking for my own situation, our marriage was happy, but he was unhappy with factors in is life that had nothing to do with our marriage, and over which I had no control.

I am basing that opinion on his own words to me.

It depends on what happiness is defined as to be honest.

Is it a temporary fleeting feeling where today you can be happy and tomorrow not? Where you are fond of someone and your life is generally fine, even if not exciting?

Thinking about it in terms of satisfied and unsatisfied seems to be more accurate than happy or not happy IMO. I think some people are married for the sake of being married and therefore there has always been some level of restlessness or not being satisfied, even if they have happy times. I think some folks did get married for the "right" reasons and had a satisfying relationship but then things change temporarily and they became dissatisfied. In the former case it has never been right but they trudged along, in the latter, it may be truly that at this particular point they have strayed but it wasn't that the whole relationship was tumultuous or unloving.

From what I have observed from others here and in real life, from my own parents, to my own participation, is that cheating usually points to some dissatisfaction on the part of the cheater, whether with themselves and their own issues or their relationship or a combination of both, and cheating is often an avoidance tactic where instead of addressing the root of the dissatisfaction they try to escape it while living a double life. They don't want to make a difficult choice so they delay or escape into another relationship on the side. Not choosing the other person but also not really choosing their spouse either or even themselves because they're lying and pretending. I think the main point for me isn't about oh are they really happy or not, but what are they gonna do about it? And the fact is, most cheaters, regardless of their level of happiness, would rather cheat than change their situation entirely by leaving it or working on the issue.

Edited July 6, 2016 by MissBee

July 6, 2016

Some people are happy eating every meal at the convenience store - quick, easy, tastes good, no nutrition, but scratches an itch. Drive thru fast-food, big gulps, eating alone in the car, instant gratification, long term health issues.

Other people like 3 healthy balanced meals a day, planned out, carefully prepared, nice wine, silverware, China, family present,linens. Takes a lot of work, long term health benefits.

Our marriage was providing the second scenario, as we had both worked on together, but my wh decided the first one seemed like something he'd been denying himself and somehow decided that it was a reward. Didn't tell me that suddenly eating at home wasn't making him happy anymore. As the affair progressed, our marriage became less and less happy to him. Then he found out that a future with his affair partner would only include junk food. And serial cheating. Cue the indigestion.

Whatever was making him unhappy in the first place wasn't solved by having an affair. Not satisfying. It brought on literal and figurative health problems, even for those family members who didn't get to experience the affair.

Sometimes not being "happy" in a marriage requires a reality check that you'd better suck it up buttercup, because this is adult life. Life can be really really hard. Affairs can happen when there's no one in your life to give you that ice water in your face.

July 6, 2016

It depends on what happiness is defined as to be honest.

Is it a temporary fleeting feeling where today you can be happy and tomorrow not? Where you are fond of someone and your life is generally fine, even if not exciting?

Thinking about it in terms of satisfied and unsatisfied seems to be more accurate than happy or not happy IMO. I think some people are married for the sake of being married and therefore there has always been some level of restlessness or not being satisfied, even if they have happy times. I think some folks did get married for the "right" reasons and had a satisfying relationship but then things change temporarily and they became dissatisfied. In the former case it has never been right but they trudged along, in the latter, it may be truly that at this particular point they have strayed but it wasn't that the whole relationship was tumultuous or unloving.

From what I have observed from others here and in real life, from my own parents, to my own participation, is that cheating usually points to some dissatisfaction on the part of the cheater, whether with themselves and their own issues or their relationship or a combination of both, and cheating is often an avoidance tactic where instead of addressing the root of the dissatisfaction they try to escape it while living a double life. They don't want to make a difficult choice so they delay or escape into another relationship on the side. Not choosing the other person but also not really choosing their spouse either or even themselves because they're lying and pretending. I think the main point for me isn't about oh are they really happy or not, but what are they gonna do about it? And the fact is, most cheaters, regardless of their level of happiness, would rather cheat than change their situation entirely by leaving it or working on the issue.

this makes sense...

July 6, 2016

I don't think so. I don't think a lot of people know what a happy, healthy marriage is. I also don't think some people are capable of being in a healthy marriage unless they undergo some intensive therapy. A lot of people think their marriage is happy, but in reality they're just going through the motions. They are two individuals who happen to share a home, kids, etc. but they aren't a unit (and I'm not talking about codependency). Google the term "false bond" and you'll begin to see a lot of marriages around you that fall into this category.

It would be extraordinarily difficult to cheat it you're in a truly intimate marriage. I actually think it would be impossible. But those marriages are very few and far between. Not many people are willing to make themselves vulnerable enough to be in one.

I'm sorry, but I don't agree.

If you are happy in your life, and your rleationship, and a therapist, counselor or some other professional tells you that," no, you're mistaken and you are actually unhappy", then you are wasting your money.

Many of the marriage si see are true bonds, as the people in them have been through things you can not even begin to imagine, and they have a bod that goes far deeper than an outsider looking in can realize.

July 6, 2016

Some people can only be happy in their marriage if they're having an affair. The marriage provides them with stability, routine, security, etc and the affair with passion, hope, desire, vibrancy, etc.

Others are able to find everything in a single relationship.

tbh, I think lot of people in A's flatter themselves about what it provides.

July 6, 2016

Ppl cheat.

Marriages are not happy when one does deceive.

This is not a chicken and egg question.

July 6, 2016

I'm sorry, but I don't agree.

If you are happy in your life, and your rleationship, and a therapist, counselor or some other professional tells you that," no, you're mistaken and you are actually unhappy", then you are wasting your money.

Many of the marriage si see are true bonds, as the people in them have been through things you can not even begin to imagine, and they have a bod that goes far deeper than an outsider looking in can realize.

Ah, no sorry you misunderstand. I mean some people are not happy with themselves or don't feel they're worthy of love or have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. They need therapy BEFORE getting married. They need to work on themselves before they ever could be happy in a marriage.

And some people are just narcissists. In reality they also need therapy, but they never get because they think they're practically perfect.

July 6, 2016

Some people are happy eating every meal at the convenience store - quick, easy, tastes good, no nutrition, but scratches an itch. Drive thru fast-food, big gulps, eating alone in the car, instant gratification, long term health issues.

Other people like 3 healthy balanced meals a day, planned out, carefully prepared, nice wine, silverware, China, family present,linens. Takes a lot of work, long term health benefits.

Our marriage was providing the second scenario, as we had both worked on together, but my wh decided the first one seemed like something he'd been denying himself and somehow decided that it was a reward. Didn't tell me that suddenly eating at home wasn't making him happy anymore. As the affair progressed, our marriage became less and less happy to him. Then he found out that a future with his affair partner would only include junk food. And serial cheating. Cue the indigestion.

Whatever was making him unhappy in the first place wasn't solved by having an affair. Not satisfying. It brought on literal and figurative health problems, even for those family members who didn't get to experience the affair.

Sometimes not being "happy" in a marriage requires a reality check that you'd better suck it up buttercup, because this is adult life. Life can be really really hard. Affairs can happen when there's no one in your life to give you that ice water in your face.

While I understand this analogy - it still doesn't recognize that a lack of "happiness" or contentment, or fulfillment, or whatever you want to call it - made him take that turn into the drive through window.

I know all of our scenarios are different. But to use the same analogy, from my understanding (as a BS and a WS)...

Moderation! It shouldn't be all or nothing.

For me, I didn't realize that "eating at home" wasn't making me happy any more. I didn't realize I until I had that sip of soda, and remembered I LOVE SODA! I haven't had a sugary soda like this in SO LONG. Ugh, I can't imagine having to live the rest of my life and never tasting soda again, why does it have to be unsweetened tea for the rest of my life? My spouse and I used to treat ourselves to soda now and then - but now all he wants is folded white napkins every night.

So while yes, my cheating was certainly "ice water in the face" - it was for both of us. It was for our relationship - status quo wasn't working any more, and a shake up had to happen - wasn't the right way, but honestly, it was effective.

So now my husband and I indulge in some soda. We have reconnected with the things that brought us together in the first place - and it wasn't pressed linen. The responsibility and work that go into a successful and long relationship still have to be tended to - but what is the point of making it work - without that fiery passion, without that sugary soda. We added that BACK into our relationship, because we realized we had become complacent and were not tending to those IMPORTANT parts as well.

If you get your junk food itch scratched at home, that drive through window has no pull.

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