3daystodecide Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I'm new to this forum, although not such a newbie at posting my random thoughts and pain to strangers. I've been a member on another forum for ages but thought I would give this one a try, if for nothing else but to have a change. Where do I begin? Let's see....well I've tried the no contact so many times and failed so many times I often wonder why I even bother. I'm obviously weak where my emotions are concerned and like an idiot I go back for further mistreatment and emotional abuse from my ex. I don't think I will ever understand how things could change so dramatically and perhaps I am foolish to believe that love lasts forever. So here I am again trying "No Contact" not to get him back this time but to get over him and find some sort of peace. He doesn't deserve my love and I really don't want to feel anything for him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I will never get over the wounds he inflicted and yet he can say he loves me but he doesn't even know what love is. Anyways this is day 2 for me once again. I do not hold out much hope for me and have lost what little faith I have in myself to be strong. I've given myself 90 days to love myself instead and to change my life. It is a very tall order. Suffering with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life, it makes heartbreak even more fun. I'm going to continue to rant and rave for as long as I can and hope to reach the end this time. To reach a stage where I no longer hold a single thread of emotion for him and he can happily go to hell lol. Wish me luck!
peonyrose Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I wish you luck, and you can do it. Oh man I was so damn tempted today to break NC, and I would have been justified if I had. But I thought of all the work I've put in to finding bits of me again, and getting passed the awful pain that man left me to deal with. You can do it. I don't know your story, but one day at a time. I may even break it, who knows. I guess when you stop questioning it so much, you know its done. God I can't wait to reach that point. Freedom. Stay strong, stay you.
Author 3daystodecide Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 Hi peonyrose I wish you luck too. I'm so glad that you didn't give into the temptation to break no contact. Every time I've broken it around 8-9 times now I could happy punch myself. If I wasn't my own worse enemy I would of been healed right now. My emotions are still a rollercoaster ride, I hate him, I love him, I miss him, I could happily kick him in the balls lol. Perhaps this is normal or I'm going insane. But I'm trying to accept he will never love me and I can't be his f**kbuddy until he finds the right girl. I want to be happy and like you said free. I've realised even if I got him back for a moment, I would have to continually fight for him to stay there and that's not love. I don't want to have to fight for someone to want to be a part of my life, someone who should be proud of me and not hide me from family and friends. I'm hanging on to the thought that in 90 days I will be over him, if done right and I focus just on myself he will no longer matter to me. I can be happy again. My heart can stop hurting again. I pray every day for strength to get through this.
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