Ex Girlfriend pregnant by another man - should i stay or should i raise?

[steven123]

As the title indicates i'm looking for advice in others past experiences, all of which would be appreciated.

 

Im 24, ex GF is 21. We was together for a year and did many things together including travelling thailand for 5 weeks. Things were great throughout our relationship, and i can certainly say that i felt more love than i did in my previous 5 year long relationship.

 

She found out she had fertility problems, and it was likely that she was unable to have children in the future. We argued alot towards the end, and mainly this came to me saying i was not yet ready to have children.

Ultimately we broke things off.

 

Fast forward 7 months, we start talking / meting up again. We discussed everything that went wrong in our relationship and why it went wrong. We was both happy and things where better than they ever was. We was being fully open with each other and communicating better than we ever had. it was clear that we both really love each other.

We agreed that we would wait until the end of the year to start trying for a child of our own and that we would focus on enjoying ourselves and building strong foundations in the meantime.

 

She found out she is 8 weeks pregnant (now just over 9), and i am not the father as we have been only meeting for like 5 weeks. It was me who initially re contacted her.

 

We was both extremely upset as we wanted our own child. Due to her being at risk of not having children again, she doesn't want an abortion, out of fear of not being able to get pregnant again.

 

The father of the child, is a 37 year old man who has 2 children already, with 2 different mums. He is unable to see one of his children, and sees the other through a contact centre. He drinks a lot (perhaps 4/5 nights a week) and has a criminal record. He doesnt pay maintenance for one child as he cant afford it and pays £5 a week for the one he sees in a contact centre. All her family disliked him due to him being horrible to her all the time.The father is aware that she is pregnant, however he hasnt contacted her since the day she told him it wasnt an eptopic pregnancy. She has told him she doesnt want anything to do with him as his way of life makes her sick and it isnt in the best interests of the baby. If the father of the child was actually a decent child i wouldn't want too get involved and would try and walk away. but he isnt bothered and probably will be happy if he doesnt have to get involved himself.

 

She dated him for around 2 months, while i also dated other people.

 

She has already decided that she doesnt want this man in her childs life due to what he is like and she is happy enough raising the child alone, should she have too.

 

She says shes made a huge mistake, but really cant get rid of the baby. She genuinely does not like the father and does not want him to be apart of her babies life. She said she wished it was mine, and i do too. but its not.

 

For us though, it means i either have to leave her or support her throughout this.

I am really unsure of what i should do.

 

There are so many things that need to be considered. I have told my mother recently, who is going to speak to my dad about it.

 

Its a hell of a large commitment, should our relationship not work out.

Theres the thought of the baby not being mine, not having my genes. The thought of explaining it to my work collegues and friends. the thought of the father suddenly trying to become a part of the childs life and making life difficult for us. I feel as though i lost her to him, even though they arent together and wont ever be again.

 

I do love her and she does love me. But is love enough for such a situation?

 

While the baby is due at the end of January, I have my final accountancy exams middle of next year. So therefore the baby being born will have an effect on this, however she is accepting that i will need to work hard for them when they come. trying for our baby was planned so then it would have been born after my final exams, not this.

 

Basically i really dont know what decision to make and would like any advice.

 

thanks in advance, should any of you read such a long post and reply.

[CarrieT]

I do love her and she does love me. But is love enough for such a situation?

It doesn't sound like it, honestly.

 

She is only 21 years old. She has shown you that she isn't mature enough to establish boundaries, use birth control, or make insightful decisions. You would not only be mothering her child, but her as well.

 

And I believe you would grow to resent her for her bad decisions.

[Lorenza]

It's very mature of you to consider raising her child, but if you two have already broken up due to you not wanting to be a father yet (only 7 months ago!) how will it work out this time? Not only will you be forced to be a parent, but it won't even be your child. Think about it.

[Marc878]

No way i'd take this on. How do you know he didn't dump her and she's using you for plan B backup?

 

Marring someone that young is very risky. Especially with that baggage.

 

Do not under any circumstance put your name on the birth certificate.

 

You could get stuck with huge child support payments later.

 

There are better out there.

[tndawg]

It is very honorable that you are even considering raising this child that is not your own. Many men do that every day when they marry someone with children. The child is the innocent person in this situation. Don't you think the questions you need to be asking center around her and not the pregnancy? What do you want in a marriage and a family? Does this situation fit into that mold?

[LD1990]

Hell no, do not stick around for this nightmare.

 

You're young. I know you probably feel in love, but there are plenty of women out there, and you're in your 20s. You should be enjoying life, not raising another guy's kid.

 

Here's what you're in for if you stay: the remaining 7 months of her pregnancy, filled with fun doctor's visits and other errands, and of course, this entire 7 months will be all about her. Then top that off with at least 18 years raising a kid that isn't yours. In a year, when all your friends are going out to celebrate passing exams, you're going to be stuck at home changing diapers.

 

You will be much happier in the long run if you leave.

[Robert]

Looks like the threadstarter disappeared soon after posting, so we will close this up. If the threadstarter would like the thread reopened, they can request that via the "Alert Us" button on this post.

 

Thanks,

~6