UrbScholar Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm a 21 year old man from NY. I started dating this young lady, but the circumstances couldn't be anymore complicated. We met and became friends through a program we were both in. For the first month of knowing each other, we didn't hang out one on one or become too involved. One night, we had a few drinks and things escalated into sex. The issue is that the girl was already in a 4 year relationship that seemed to be going down the drain already. She said he made her feel unimportant and often prioritized his friends over her. Our relationship was really casual for about 1-2 weeks, until we ended up talking more and realized we had a lot in common. We clicked really well. Well, come to find out, I was the third guy she'd cheated on her ex with. In about 2-3 weeks, the program was ending and she was going back to LA. In those weeks, we spent a ridiculous amount of time together and went on some amazing dates. We decided to keep things going, with me under the impression that'd she'd end things with her bf within a few weeks at most. After staying up late with video chatting and phone calls for two months, I realized she didn't plan on breaking up with him soon. I cut off communication for a while, and she reached out to me to let me know she had gotten a job in NY and was interested in picking things back up (she wanted to try out NY for a few months anyway, had nothing to do with me). Against my wishes, she broke up with her ex when she got here to NY instead of beforehand. Well we're going on four months of me being the only guy in the picture. She's already told me she wants to be together and that she sees a future beyond that (marriage, family, etc.) but I have a few concerns: -She and her ex are still in contact -she tells me she's not ready to be together because she's still damaged from ending her last relationship, but she wants me to continue to treat her like my gf without the title -She often omits info and uses half truths, even for little things -She one time left a party we were at together and stepped outside to talk to her "mom" which turned out to he her ex -She clearly has a fear of abandonment -One of the people she was cheating with went to her college and essentially played a second bf role beyond intimacy, seemingly under the impression that she'd be with him eventually (makes me think of myself) -She's complained about me asking her not to see these two men in a private setting -She will not take down very intimate pics of her and her ex from IG and FB -I know I have my own insecurities, so it's hard to know whether or not I'm trippin by worrying about some of this stuff Am I a rebound? Am I being overly insecure? Should I be concerned? I'm trying to make big decisions about my life since I graduate college next year and because she's going back to LA in a month. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I don't think you're the rebound, because I don't think she's actually broken up with her ex. 6
Author UrbScholar Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 Hmm. Could you explain why you think that?
MissBee Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 -She and her ex are still in contact -she tells me she's not ready to be together because she's still damaged from ending her last relationship, but she wants me to continue to treat her like my gf without the title -She often omits info and uses half truths, even for little things -She one time left a party we were at together and stepped outside to talk to her "mom" which turned out to he her ex -She clearly has a fear of abandonment -One of the people she was cheating with went to her college and essentially played a second bf role beyond intimacy, seemingly under the impression that she'd be with him eventually (makes me think of myself) -She's complained about me asking her not to see these two men in a private setting -She will not take down very intimate pics of her and her ex from IG and FB -I know I have my own insecurities, so it's hard to know whether or not I'm trippin by worrying about some of this stuff Am I a rebound? Am I being overly insecure? Should I be concerned? I'm trying to make big decisions about my life since I graduate college next year and because she's going back to LA in a month. You have managed to craft an extensive list of concerns, red flags and character flaws of your girlfriend.Given this, it seems whether or not you're a rebound is neither here nor there, as even if you aren't one, ALL these other qualities still spell bad news. Wouldn't you agree? Also, people often use their own insecurities to say that the bad or questionable behavior of another might be in their own mind. Oddly enough, this is a function of insecurity as well...where insecure people are scared to trust their gut or call out bad behavior so they find every way to deny it, downplay it or internalize the blame for it or make themselves the one who is "maybe wrong" instead of seeing and admitting the obvious for fear of what will happen if they do assert themselves about the obvious that they'e witnessing. 1
Satu Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 (edited) You're not a rebound. You're just one of the guys she uses as pawns, in the game she plays with the guy you call her ex. She's seriously bad news. She's hyper-manipulative, totally devious. Now you can't say you weren't warned. Take care. Edited July 4, 2016 by Satu 1
kismetkismet Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 This girl doesn't seem to have any loyalty or honesty in her and only cares about fulfilling her own needs.. If she treated him that badly with no remorse, she's going to do the same thing to you at some point. It's not like she made a 'mistake' and then tried to right the situation, she dragged it out with him until she could get nothing more out of it.. so you'll never be able to fully trust that she's not doing the same thing to you. Also, she's not even your girlfriend..and she may not ever want to be. It seems more like she wants all the benefits of being in a relationship without having to make any of the commitments or have any responsibility to one another. 1
Teddius Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 This right here, exactly. She's pulling, pulling, and pulling you into her emotionally, OP, further, further, and further whilst she herself seems completely emotionally invested in her "ex." Coughing..... Don't allow your emotions to usurp your better judgment. Tell this broad to hit road immediately. 1
longjohn Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 My major concern here is the simple fact she's cheated on her bf/ex and told you about it. What's to say she won't cheat on you? What's to say she isn't still with her ex and telling you what you want to hear? I'm the cautious type and I'd stay well clear of this one. Way too many reasons you could be getting played. I can related to this on a few levels. I recently became single, met a new lady at a class that I really click with. To the best of my knowledge she's divorced, hasn't got a bf and lives alone. Then again I'm only going on what she's told me and what people tell each other and what the truth is unfortunately is all too often not quite the same. If I were you I'd at best keep my guard up and question everything. Honestly I'd avoid her like the plague and find one that's a wee bit more grounded. 1
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