dklaw Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 (edited) I have been with my GF for 6 months, things are good and moving along nicely. We are still in the new couple phase. We get along great, have a lot in common, keep each other busy, great conversations, great chemistry, good sex life, met each others friends and all get along. It's going well. 5 weeks ago she was raped by 6 men on her university campus. She spent time in the hospital and I saw her every day. She is completely closed off now. She doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want me to touch her (hold her hand, that sort of thing), but she doesn't want me to leave either. When she does talk to me she says to find someone else and that she's disgusting and used up. She's in therapy but from what I know she isn't really participating. They kept her in the hospital for suicide watch. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her. We don't know each other well enough for me to know how to really help her. People close to me who know what happened say to move on and let her be, and she'll never be the same. That seems like a douchey move. I'll admit it's a lot to handle in such a new relationship. Edited July 4, 2016 by dklaw 1
preraph Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Gosh, I'm so sorry for your girlfriend and for you. She needs to see a rape counselor. Normally, the police will recommend someone, I'd think, a victim's advocate, but it depends on the size of the town or whatever if they have that. She is very angry at men right now, and distrustful. Being raped or victimized makes you understand the depths of uncaring and evil that exit in people and that no matter how careful you are, if someone targets you, it's unlikely you can protect yourself from them. She may or may not be ready to resume dating anytime soon. This sort of thing can change a person forever, and usually does. But many come back to it, though much less trustful. Since she knows you, there's a chance once she's dealt with the trauma, she can come back to you. Talk to her parents or sibling or whoever is closest to her right now and ask them if they have found a victim's advocate or rape counselor for her to talk to. If not, she should go to a female psychologist. Don't tell her yourself unless she brings up the subject. But look into it. Make sure her family knows they should find help for her. She will need psychological help to deal with this. The anger and bitterness will be too much for her family to deal with and can even pull a family apart. And you can't do it as her boyfriend. But please, make sure someone in her family researches (or maybe you can do that part for them) and finds her a rape counselor or psychologist. You can call the police department and ask them for a name. They usually can refer you. You can call a hotline for a women's shelter, or even the RAINN, a big victim hotline network, at (800) 656-4673 and they may have a recommendation for your town. Good luck. Be patient. Do not be pushy. And do not DARE to whine to her about not getting sex. She is broken right now. 3
LostOnes05 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 All you can do is give her time bro. I can understand that is quite a traumatic experience to survive. Hopefully they catch the dogs that did this and they get what's coming to them. I wouldn't abandon her, if I were in your shoes. It really doesn't matter if you've known her 7 days, 7 months, or 7+ years...you'll never know how to truly help someone that has experienced something like that. Just be there for her, even if she pushes you away at first. Just give her space and come back. Let her know the great person you think she is. It'll be tough but all you can be is supportive of her recovery and continued healing. I'm really sorry she went through that. It really makes me furious when I hear of men doing that to anyone. Let her know she has the courage and strength to survive and overcome this trauma. But also that she has to take an active part in her healing. I wish you guys the best of luck and hope that she finds the strength within herself to overcome what a group of cowards did to her. 3
MissBee Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 This is completely horrible and I'm so sorry. I actually had a male friend who this happened to , they were together longer though, so that makes a difference. But it was a difficult time for her and for him secondhand. Basically, all you can do is go at her pace and let her decide what she needs and wants from you. It's hard because likely things are so new and in truth this changes her whole life, and of course, in the grand scheme, your relationship will be on the back burner as she deals with this trauma. Support her at her own pace and let her know you care and are there, don't abandon her, but also seek your own support for this. I'm again so sorry, I was physically ill when my friend told me about what happened to his gf and it was a rough time for them too, so I can only imagine. 1
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her. We don't know each other well enough for me to know how to really help her. People close to me who know what happened say to move on and let her be, and she'll never be the same. That seems like a douchey move. I'll admit it's a lot to handle in such a new relationship. She is a girlfriend, a friend, and a human being. Abandoning her right now would be monstrous. I am sure you can take a couple of months out of your dating life to devote to this lady who's been special to you for 6 months. Who knows if she'll be the same or not. It's too soon to even think about this. You don't start thinking what new kitchen you want while you're busy putting down a fire. She is in the 'putting down the fire' phase. Don't abandon her. For now it's a human being helping another one. Keep the big questions for later. 3
gimlynick Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Don't run away from her, my friend! Even if that's what she wants... Don't do it. This thing is horrible and even with professional help she will carry this for the rest of her life. BUT it's something that she will be able to deal with in a matter of time. I've had a gf who was raped multiple times as a young kid. She is ****ed up. She never got professional help and now, years after the facts, she finally realises that she needs help so your girlfriend needs help as soon as possible!! Even if she doesn't want to work together with the therapist right now... She will have benefits of talking to this person. Take it very easy with her. Don't give her any stress. Be there more as a friend right now then her actual boyfriend. Forget about the sexual part of a relationship. Be a man, not a boy. So do not run away. If you handle this as a man you two could get stronger then ever together. Good luck and courage to her 1
Satu Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her. We don't know each other well enough for me to know how to really help her. People close to me who know what happened say to move on and let her be, and she'll never be the same. That seems like a douchey move. I'll admit it's a lot to handle in such a new relationship. Stop thinking about yourself and think about her. It will make a better man out of you. 2
Lorenza Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Do not leave her please. Don't victimize yourself, don't feel sorry about yourself - just be there for an unfortunate human being, who's probably scarred for life. At least for a while, at least to keep a little tiny bit of trust in men. It won't hurt you to just offer some simple emotional support, like coming to visit her and bringing a treat. You don't have to be a psychologist, you don't have to talk to her about what happened, just come and tell her how your day was or something lighthearted. I think that we all have a moral obligation to help each other, if we can. You could walk away, but would that make a decent person? I don't think so. Ohh, it hurts me to think about how that girl feels... 2
katiegrl Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 First off, OP I am so sorry..... I was date raped many years ago, she has a rough road ahead.. Second, this is happening far too often on university campuses, it really needs to stop! Were these men arrested? Suspended? Expelled? Did she even report the rape? Believe it or not many women don't! But they should! I did not and I REALLY regret it! Encourage her to stay strong! Be a strong positive force in her life. If she has not reported it, encourage her to do so ASAP! These asshats need to be held accountable, and that will definitely help with her healing. Again this crap at universities needs to stop. Perhaps her experience can help in accomplishing that if she speaks out, again it all will help with her healing as well..... speaking out is very empowering. Best of luck and ((hugs)) for her as she attempts to work through this. 1
Lorenza Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 @katiegrl Omg... So terrible that it happened to you, hugs!! Hope you have made some peace with it in your mind by now 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 This is a difficult time with her. You should be there for her. Understand the relationship is on hold. Her recovery will take a long time and she needs counseling. There is no timeless of when she will become more normal with you when it comes to BF/gf stuff with touching, holding hands, kissing, and having sex. 1
nerdlingZA Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 This is a difficult time with her. You should be there for her. Understand the relationship is on hold. Her recovery will take a long time and she needs counseling. There is no timeless of when she will become more normal with you when it comes to BF/gf stuff with touching, holding hands, kissing, and having sex. its really difficult time for the OP. I don't know what I would do also. OP u should let her breath; stop visiting her everyday. she might take years to become a normal GF again if she pushes u away during these difficult times... GO AWAY!!!! 1
juniorrocha Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 If you leave, OP, you'll be showing her that men are indeed coward human beings who only think about themselves. This is not about you. It's about her, her well being. If you do care about her, be patient, be there for her, take things very slowly and let her initiate anything. She's obviously traumatized right now, but I believe if you show her you're with her, things will change with time. Even if in a while you guys break up, at least you did something for someone who's been special for you. 2
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I realize everyone reacts differently, but I can tell you *from experience* that not every woman who has been raped considers herself a *victim* who needs to be handled with kid gloves. And whoever said it will take years for her to "be normal" again was WAY off. Or perhaps you worded that wrong? She is still "normal* right now despite being raped. She is a survivor! Not a victim. Still normal. Her feelings will be messed up for awhile for sure, but the worse thing to do is treat her like some poor traumatized victim who needs special care.... ugh. I hated that!!! The best thing to do is be strong and encourage her to be strong as well. Do not allow her to wallow in self pity, that will lead to depression or worse. With the help of a good rape counselor and therapy, she "will" work though this... She needs to fight back, report her rapists, be pro-active in their prosecution.... these are things that will help with her healing! Keeping her strong and resilient ...I learned this afterwards, and wish I did! OP, what she needs from you right now is your friendship and emotional support. Be patient ... do not push for anything more than that, but definitely do not pull away either.... Stay strong! 1
JuanDelToro Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 OP. This is a serious matter. I implore you to discard all advice you have received in here so far and seek PROPER advice from a professional. See a psychologist; specialized in rape trauma if possible; After you have received all relative information and advice, especially in regards to how this rape will affect you, then and only then weigh your options and make a decision. Take my advice seriously. 1
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 OP. This is a serious matter. I implore you to discard all advice you have received in here so far and seek PROPER advice from a professional. See a psychologist; specialized in rape trauma if possible; After you have received all relative information and advice, especially in regards to how this rape will affect you, then and only then weigh your options and make a decision. Take my advice seriously. I agree with you. But for the record, my advice comes straight from a rape trauma counselor/psychologist ..... mine. And it helped me tremendously. But yeah agree with your post above 100%. 1
JuanDelToro Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 ^Katiegirl. My post is not in any way an effort to derogate other people's advice in this matter. I know that people mean well and want to be helpful in here. But such matters should be approached with extreme care from all sides. 1
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 OP. This is a serious matter. I implore you to discard all advice you have received in here so far and seek PROPER advice from a professional. See a psychologist; specialized in rape trauma if possible; After you have received all relative information and advice, especially in regards to how this rape will affect you, then and only then weigh your options and make a decision. Take my advice seriously. You don't need to see a psychologist just to hold someone's hand and be there for them. She already has a psychologist, she doesn't need every body around to be a specialist in rape. He just needs to be there he doesn't even need to say anything. No one knows how this rape will affect him and honestly it's too soon to even think about it or speculate. Maybe he'll end up disappointed or hurt but once in a while in life you've got to put others before yourself. No matter how disappointed he may end up in the future it will never be as bad as living with a rape. 1
tinkerbell16 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I have been with my GF for 6 months, things are good and moving along nicely. We are still in the new couple phase. We get along great, have a lot in common, keep each other busy, great conversations, great chemistry, good sex life, met each others friends and all get along. It's going well. 5 weeks ago she was raped by 6 men on her university campus. She spent time in the hospital and I saw her every day. She is completely closed off now. She doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want me to touch her (hold her hand, that sort of thing), but she doesn't want me to leave either. When she does talk to me she says to find someone else and that she's disgusting and used up. She's in therapy but from what I know she isn't really participating. They kept her in the hospital for suicide watch. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her. We don't know each other well enough for me to know how to really help her. People close to me who know what happened say to move on and let her be, and she'll never be the same. That seems like a douchey move. I'll admit it's a lot to handle in such a new relationship. I JUST watched a documentary on how common rape is on US campuses. Sadly, she is not alone. I bet there are support groups in her area, even on her campus, where she may feel more comfortable talking to other "victims". She was put in your life for a reason. I believe this is the case for all relationships. This is an opportunity for growth as a man and a human being. Don't walk away from this opportunity. Even if it isn't in the status of boyfriend and girlfriend. Be the one man that redeems six for her. 1
tinkerbell16 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I have been with my GF for 6 months, things are good and moving along nicely. We are still in the new couple phase. We get along great, have a lot in common, keep each other busy, great conversations, great chemistry, good sex life, met each others friends and all get along. It's going well. 5 weeks ago she was raped by 6 men on her university campus. She spent time in the hospital and I saw her every day. She is completely closed off now. She doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want me to touch her (hold her hand, that sort of thing), but she doesn't want me to leave either. When she does talk to me she says to find someone else and that she's disgusting and used up. She's in therapy but from what I know she isn't really participating. They kept her in the hospital for suicide watch. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her. We don't know each other well enough for me to know how to really help her. People close to me who know what happened say to move on and let her be, and she'll never be the same. That seems like a douchey move. I'll admit it's a lot to handle in such a new relationship. I JUST watched a documentary on how common rape is on US campuses called "The Hunting Ground". It is available on Netflix. Sadly, she is not alone. I bet there are support groups in her area, even on her campus, where she may feel more comfortable talking to other "victims". 1 in 6 women are victims of rape or attempted rape. I tend to think it is higher because many go unreported. I am also a "victim". She was put in your life for a reason. I believe this is the case for all relationships. This is an opportunity for growth as a man and a human being. Don't walk away from this opportunity. Even if it isn't in the status of boyfriend and girlfriend. Be the one man that redeems six for her. 1
Orion39 Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Yes it is a lot to handle in a new relationship, but I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. It's encouraging to hear that she is attending therapy sessions for this. Have you considered going to some of your own as it is surely traumatic for you in a way as well. It's no surprise that she would want you around, while your relationships is new you have proven to be someone safe and trustworthy. On the other hand she won't want to be touched, by you or anyone. She has been greatly violated and a sense of security lost when she was raped. While I don't know from personal experience, I do work with many people who suffer from trauma and dealing with the trauma that follows rape is difficult. The best thing you can do for her is to respect her boundaries, be there for her but do not touch her. Find ways you can show her you are there for her and are supportive of this time in her life.
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Support her at her own pace and let her know you care and are there, don't abandon her, but also seek your own support for this. I'm again so sorry, I was physically ill when my friend told me about what happened to his gf and it was a rough time for them too, so I can only imagine. I agree with MissBee in that you should also seek your own support. You're a young man who is of dating age. There's no telling how long it will take your gf to work through this and if there will be a future for you with her. How to determine that aspect of the R would, to me, seem tricky and I would think some guidance and counseling for you would be in order. You sound like a wonderful person, by the way. As awful as her situation is, she's fortunate to be involved with a person as considerate as you seem to be as she faces her life at this point. That is not to lay an expectation on you of making a lifetime commitment to her, though. It seems to me a professional with experience in helping people through this type situation could really make your own life easier as you support your gf.
amaysngrace Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I'm sorry that happened to her but you should probably move on. She suffered trauma and isn't going to be the same ever again. You didn't rape her. You don't owe her anything. Maybe be her friend if you don't want to be douchey and leave her but I'd seriously rethink the relationship if I were you.
MissCongeniality Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Anyone who says she won't be the same again is a liar and a fool. Yes it's traumatizing but in time she will heal. You abandoning her though that will be what breaks her.
amaysngrace Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Anyone who says she won't be the same again is a liar and a fool. Yes it's traumatizing but in time she will heal. You abandoning her though that will be what breaks her. Wow...not very congenial of you. The rape's not going to break her but it is his leaving that will huh? Way to put a guilt trip on someone by saying their actions are way worse than rape.
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