Natebun Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Hey guys! I hope I'm doing this right because I'm new here, but I really needed some advice. Sorry this is so long. I've been with my boyfriend about 5 months now. His ex has been a problem since day one and has been the reason why we've "taken breaks". This already sounds bad, I know. Here's the thing, she's absolutely obsessed with him. Has threatened to kill herself over him. They were together for 2 years so I understand it's not that easy to let him go but it has been almost a year since they broke up. My boyfriend himself is a lovely, super sweet and caring person (most of the time), but I've always had a problem with this girl and she's actually messaged me and told me how much she doesn't like me and how depressed she is and all that. After she caused our break up or "going on break" as he likes to call it, and we got back together he had told me that he stopped talking to her, that she was too much for him and was causing problems. I was happy about that and glad he was making a responsible decision. But around then she messaged me and actually told me some things he's done while we were together, for example: his ex got drunk and disappeared for a day and he supposedly got very upset and told her "how do I know you weren't out doing bad things with some other guy". That really set me off, and that should've been a red flag but at the same time I have no idea if she's telling the truth. When this happened I talked to him about it and how he was lying to me because he said he wasn't talking to her, when really he was talking to her everyday still, but I didn't bring up the other things she told me so I still don't know if they're truthful but I fear they are. He told me after this that he'd be completely honestly with me and he is, I think. And I'm aware they still talk on a regular basis Just a week ago I randomly brought it up and asked him if he'd ever be with her again. His answer was "I can't say I haven't thought about it" which surprised me because I was expecting a no, but at least he's being truthful. I talked to him about it again saying it was a problem that that was his answer. He immediately got all defensive and mad and told me "it's not like I consider it everyday, but I have. I love you and that's the end of the story" so I shut up after that because I had nothing more to say about it. Then I talked to a close friend of mine about this who is also friends with my boyfriend. He told me something interesting as we were talking about my bfs ex (who this friend hates btw because she's caused so many unnecessary problems) and apparently right before I broke up with him, my boyfriend had said "if (me) and I were to break up properly, I would probably go back to my ex" this pisssd me off and I went straight to him to talk about it. We had this big fight about it, he swears they're nothing more than friends but how can I believe that after all this? He says "it's not like I think about that everyday" but it's still in the back of his mind, and if he has that mindset while he's in a relationship with me then why am I here? He said he refused to stop talking to her because theyre so close and she's always been there for him. I understand that I guess, who am I to tell him to stop talking to someone who's helped him so much? But if that's the case why is he dating me and not her? Shouldn't that be partly my job? I feel as though she's more important to him than me. He claims he loves me and not her but I just can't buy it. I don't know what to do at this point, we haven't been talking since the whole fight and he's been messaging me about how he's sorry and he loves me but that he can't stop talking to her. I feel so torn, at this point it feels like I should just break up with him, but I love him so much I'll only be hurting myself. I feel as though they're not letting each other move on, by crawling right back to each other, what good is that doing? She's probably so depressed about it because she's not allowing herself to go through the process of heart break by keeping him around and so she's just going through it again and again without healing. At this point he's just keeping her on then side is what I feel like. And she feels it too, she's told me. They're both pathetically unable to leave each other and I'm not sure what to do next. They're not just friends if she's still in love with him and he's still considering being with her in the back of his mind, that's not normal. Especially while he's in another relationship.
CarrieT Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I feel as though they're not letting each other move on, by crawling right back to each other, what good is that doing? You are absolutely right. Let him go. The relationship you have with him has only been five months - also "with breaks?" That means it isn't a solid relationship at all. Cut your losses and move on as the guy is not emotionally available. 6
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 It is never a good idea to get into a relationship with someone who has unfinished business with their ex. He has unfinished business with his ex. They are still in a "relationship", so how can your relationship with him ever move on and flourish? She is always there messing with his head, messing with your head. It is an impossible situation. Personally, I think you should walk away. You are already on the "take a break" downward spiral, after only 5 months, when you should be still in the honeymoon phase. He is nowhere near ready to be in a relationship with you, his ex is still on his mind. Dating is about finding people you can have fun with, who make you happy, Where is the happiness, when you are always wondering about his ex and fighting about her. 1
salparadise Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 How do you feel about you and his ex becoming sister wives? Seriously, you may NEVER get rid of this woman (while holding onto him). It's pretty obvious that they're a package deal. This is just one more iteration of the "just friends" BS. I don't care which gender we're talking about, it's absurd. Here is my conclusion... it's a small subset of the population who need to keep ex's, orbiters, and fan clubs on the string... and who have boundaries weak enough that they actually see it as a reasonable thing to do. For this group these are not isolated situations, nor are they only about the orbiter of the day. It's a essentially a personality feature that doesn't change. They just swap different people in and out of the roles. So when you start dating someone, determine if they're one of these and decide what your life and relationship will be based on objective information and rational decision making... before you have the attachment factor to make it complicated. My decision is that I will never again date a woman who encourages ex's or a bunch of "men friends" to always be sniffing around.. OP, you have to make the decision with 5 months of history, which is better than a year or three or five.
Els Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Wow, no. I'm not generally against all contact with exes, I think keeping an acquaintanceship with them is fine, but this guy is just being ridiculous. He's clearly not over his ex and is still clinging on to hopes of being with her. Talking EVERYDAY? Hell naw. Ditch him, he can try crawling back to her then, while you can find someone whose heart is genuinely invested in you alone. 2
MissBee Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) You are absolutely right. Let him go. The relationship you have with him has only been five months - also "with breaks?" That means it isn't a solid relationship at all. Cut your losses and move on as the guy is not emotionally available. Pretty much. He isn't over his ex and has told you as much...and it makes sense, they haven't even broken up a year yet and are still in contact...you're likely the rebound girl here. No man or woman over there ex, who is ready and emotionally available for a new relationship, will admit to thinking about getting back with their ex WHILE with their current partner. That is all you need to know. 5 months with breaks is not a lot of time invested...leave him and his ex to work out their drama and move forward with someone who is completely done with their ex. Edited July 5, 2016 by MissBee 2
bachdude Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Three's a crowd. There's another woman in the picture here that he won't let go of, even though his contract with her is clearly poisoning your current relationship. I'm afraid you became involved with a guy who never moved on from his previous relationship. She is on his mind and he is still committed to her, which is proven by his actions.
brittly42 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I'm sorry to hear your relationships have been challenging. I think a lot of us have felt the same way at one time or another. Friends come and go over the years, but there are always more people who care about you than you may realize. What, if anything, would you want to be different? It's important to let your two friends know completely how you feel. They may not realize the strain it's placing on you. Remember it is impossible for you to fix their relationship, as it is something only they can choose to do. Let them know you won't all your friendship to be defined by this situation, and if that doesn't change, then you'll be taking a break. Focus on the Family offers many relationship advice, too, that you can offer to them. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers!
Lady2163 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Run, run, RUN!!! Listen, dating and relationships are supposed to be fun. Some complications you can't avoid. If you start dating someone of a different race in a country that is t always very tolerant of inter racial relationships, you're going to have complications. But you get to choose. And you go into this knowing fully what to expect. This is a third person who is choosing how your life with the boyfriend is going to be. Your boyfriend is being an ass by keeping her in orbit. She's his fallback and you're his rebound. Trust me, you deserve better. You deserve to have no drama from the exes. I'm not in favor of much contact between exes if there are no children together, no joint finances, no work responsibilities and no civic responsibility (members of the same service group). What kind of friends does he think they should be?
Alamo657 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I've been with my boyfriend about 5 months now. His ex has been a problem since day one and has been the reason why we've "taken breaks". Just a week ago I randomly brought it up and asked him if he'd ever be with her again. His answer was "I can't say I haven't thought about it" We had this big fight about it, he swears they're nothing more than friends I feel as though they're not letting each other move on, by crawling right back to each other At this point he's just keeping her on then side is what I feel like. When anyone is still talking to an ex in a shady and ambiugous way, it means trouble, unresolved feelings, unability to let go, and keeping a safe zone to fall back to in case of troubles. Your boyfriend had the balls to tell you he would go back with her if the occasion arise. You're loosing your time with someone who's not that into you at the very least.
Tribble Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 After she caused our break up or "going on break" as he likes to call it, and we got back together he had told me that he stopped talking to her, that she was too much for him and was causing problems. She didn't cause your break up at all. A break up happens because one person in a relationship decides something means it isn't working. It's not her fault, this is a situation your bf is allowing. When this happened I talked to him about it and how he was lying to me because he said he wasn't talking to her, when really he was talking to her everyday still, but I didn't bring up the other things she told me so I still don't know if they're truthful but I fear they are. He is a liar. You gave your relationship another shot based on a lie. Therefore there should be no relationship. Second chances only work if the reasons you broke up no longer exist. The do oh and you have another problem now, dishonesty. Just a week ago I randomly brought it up and asked him if he'd ever be with her again. His answer was "I can't say I haven't thought about it" which surprised me because I was expecting a no, but at least he's being truthful. I talked to him about it again saying it was a problem that that was his answer. He immediately got all defensive and mad and told me "it's not like I consider it everyday, but I have. I love you and that's the end of the story" so I shut up after that because I had nothing more to say about it. Let him. He doesn't need to think about it - he can go do it once you dump his sorry a**. I understand that I guess, who am I to tell him to stop talking to someone who's helped him so much? You are his gf. He owes you respect. You can't tell him to do anything. He should be doing this of his own volition and he's not. NEXT! he's been messaging me about how he's sorry and he loves me but that he can't stop talking to her. Can't? Doesn't want to more like. He doesn't have to stop but you should have the self respect to remove yourself from this situation. I feel so torn, at this point it feels like I should just break up with him Bingo! I know you say you love him but this one is clear cut. You deserve better.
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